More realistic: Make attempt start dating/sex at my age or throw in the towel?

[RedLipstick]

Hello people

 

I would like advice or have someone help shed light on my issues I have had all my life with dating, sex and guys. I will try to keep this short as possible, ok? I live alone in a small studio with 3 fish and two small dogs. I work FT but don't have many friends (just 2 right now). I will be 32 soon and never been on a single date, never had a bf and never had sex

 

Mostly I feel like an outsider to life -- spent most of my life watching friends and family members get bfs/gfs, marriages, pregnancies, divorces, etc. I am recently diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, depression and social anxiety, been on depression med for over 2 years and it seems to be working nicely. I have a hard time connecting with people, mostly it is very painful socially 'cuz I don't know when it's my turn to speak so interrupt them, take things too literally/don't understand social signals and so on. I seen other girls getting dates flawlessly and I don't know how to do that, it just comes so naturally to others. Social interaction has become so uncomfortable these past few years that I just avoid it altogether. I go to work and I come home and do activities alone like reading, watching TV, masturbating, listening to music, LOL. People say: "well guys like confident/sexy girls" or "You give off 'don't approach me vibes.' Well that's all well and good but I don't know HOW to go about changing these things. Even when I did think I had something to offer guys, they still didn't approach me anyways, so what's the point? Maybe I am a 'defective model' as far as humans go? Seems like. I have problems surrounding touching and sex, it cause extreme anxiety thinking about touching men and vice versa in a sexual manner since I have not done that in a sense. So another thing people say stupidly is: "Oh, when Mr. Right comes along you won't feel like that!" Well that's nice. Too bad I've never been in the ball park of a date, let alone sex. Sometimes I consider suicide because I don't seem to fit anywhere or with anyone, sigh. To make matters worse, guys (and women too) are apprehensive about any adults with no sex or dating experiences, after a certain age you're viewed as a freak. I know this from experiences time and again, just makes me feel deflated and worthless. At what point does someone say realistically to themselves: it's time to just accept life as is and throw in the towel OR there is still something to be gained yet so keep working on it? That is point where I am. Thanks for reading this.

[LDRohnos]

Hey guess what I'm 27 and single and it amounts to about the same thing as when I was 18 and single. When you aren't in a relationship everyone starts off from scratch again and thats the beauty of it.

 

Granted you're going to be behind in experience in comparison to most people of your own age group but that shouldn't stop you from getting dates and such. Just need to find the right avenues to take to get dates. Unfortunately for women there is a bit of a double standard going single to bars and clubs, it's typically okay for a guy to go but women tend to be looked at with that "aww poor girl" attitude. I wouldn't really look at those types of venues for picking up a date.

 

I have problems surrounding touching and sex, it cause extreme anxiety thinking about touching men and vice versa in a sexual manner since I have not done that in a sense.

 

I'm going to be honest and say that may cause problems with some men at first, not all just some. I would just be very upfront about it and tell them that you're a virgin before (or soon after) actually going out on dates with them...or bring it up in a situation that's light hearted but do not wait too long. It's important they know very soon after meeting them so you can quickly weed out the ones that aren't going to be able to handle waiting and/or being patient, which is something that you will require.

 

Have you tried online dating? Just being in an atmosphere where there is flirtatious banter and you can be comfortable in your own environment can help alot. You don't even need to date guys necessarily but just get to better understand what to say and what to do that attracts men and what turns them away.

 

Just wanted to give you my perspective...I'm sure women here in a similar situation (or experienced a similar situation) can help you out much more than I can, good luck!

 

 

PS - Don't throw in the towel. Your dating days are far, far from over.

[cocoon2012]

Hi there

I think the biggest problem of the lonely people (to some extent i am myself one of them) is due to not consciously knowing how to share!..... sharing is balance in giving and receiving, in all the life interactive areas, like communication, sharing a food, sharing a house, sharing an idea and so on....,not knowing the art of sharing is rooted in our childhood where we have not learn the art of individual being and possessing ourselves.does my general talks make sense to you or you see it differently?

[RedLipstick]

Sometime I don't think there's no point in bothering. I feel like a 'freak' I don't really understand people or how to connect with them like I see others doing. I had female friends all my life pop up and get asked out and bf's, never happened to me once. I just don't understand how to make that happen Sorry to say, I am also terrified of sexual intimacy like touching someone else in that way and vice versa. It seems very embarrassing (even though that sounds immature) that's how I feel. Understandably no man is going to want to be with a woman that can't have sex with them, they will just move on to the next one who can/will. Everything that people says is so 'natural for humans' etc. doesn't seem that way to me.

 

I don't feel like I have many other options except to get used to living alone, but that is hard to do and wish I knew how to make that at least easier. Maybe someone have tips/advice on how to do that.

[cocoon2012]

Sorry for my delayed response, i don't check this site as often and they are not send e-mail?

I want to add telling something, that if we have not received enough UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, we keep on looking for that, we put off answering and responding anything and anyone to make sure it is unconditional! that is how we loose friends and we become lonely,.....all of us are enjoying one source of unconditional love and that is in the heart of the expanding universe,! give love unconditionally to receive that unconditionally! good luck!

[LDRohnos]

Eh, I think unconditional love in a romantic relationship does not exist. The only time there is such in thing (to me) is between a parent and a child. Everyone has "conditions" that they want their SO to have. To say there's no conditions is to say that a guy you marry gains 250 pounds and becomes a violent alcoholic in a few years and he wasn't like that when you married him. How many people are going to still have that same "unconditional love" for that person anymore? I highly doubt it.

[Mesemene]

Good point, LD. I think everyone's idea of "unconditional" is based on what they consider reasonable concessions, not on the extremes of what can happen to deep-six a marriage or relationship.

 

I think at a certain point, if someone goes way over a "normal" boundary, it becomes a case of what you unconditionally loved no longer exists, and maybe never did - like the guy that turns out to have a second family in the wings, or the girl who sleeps her way through the office, or steals and sells prescription drugs for weekend cash. At a certain point, you feel what you loved unconditionally was an illusion or fantasy, and not the reality, because the person you gave that love to couldn't possibly be doing the things that are being shoved in your face as your "new reality."

[LDRohnos]

Everyone is afraid of the unknown..that is a human trait that all people experience in some manner or another. Sex and intimacy for you falls into the unknown category so obviously you're going to be very apprehensive towards it since I'd imagine in your mind it's developed a negative or neutral connotation since you haven't had any need for it up to this point in your life and you're obviously pretty happy (although curious) without it.

 

You need to find a very patient man who can tolerate no sexual activity for at least awhile and loves you for the other things you can provide in a relationship. To say you're doomed to live alone is very derogatory and it's completely up to you to do something about it. If you want to take an apathetic stance on it then of course you're not going to want to explore that aspect of a relationship. If you take a proactive stance (such as seeing a professional or exploring your sexuality) then there is a good chance that a whole new world will open up for you. It's all up to you if you want to make the necessary efforts to do it or to just accept that you're happy as you are and it's not worth it!

[Mesemene]

There are guys out there who are less touch-oriented as well. I had to find one myself, since my "emotional/expressive" language is NOT very touchy-feely. I tend towards the excessively logical, analytical hermit type, myself. And I tend to express my love and appreciation more via small gestures, the occasional light touch, and sometimes verbal. It DID take a while to find a guy who's on my wavelength, but I couldn't ask for a more understanding man - and I've gone from being relatively passive but open sexually, to borderline frigid with my ex, to being a LOT more open than before. It just took a lot of time, patience, and the right person who I understood - and who understood me.

 

Easy? Not really - but worth it? All the way yes.

 

And I was always somewhat socially awkward, introverted, serious. I grew up in a very staid and stoic culture, where expressions of emotion were "unseemly" and to be avoided, and casual hugs etc just were not done. It's something I continue to work on, being a bit more open - but it comes very hard at times. And casual social touching just... I haven't gotten comfortable with that one yet! I consider myself still a work in progress

[cocoon2012]

I believe Patience and freedom from conditional thinking is the key to to the discovery of our unique self . Our freedom and detachment from conditioning is directly related to the amount of unconditional love we receive or we have received.If that is not fulfilled we will be conditioned and will not feel safe and secure. Our natural growth process will be affected and we react to the conditions and limitations in a trans-active way rather than following our inner guidelines.longtime engagement in this type of defencive reactions will develop a non-free immature adult who is judgmental and conditioned in any upcoming situation to protect his/her unprotected self.

[YakasJourney]

Why are you terrified of intimacy? That would be the first question on my mind, as it will explain everything else. Were you abused growing up? Did you withdraw from a traumatic family environment?

[LDRohnos]

Why are you terrified of intimacy? That would be the first question on my mind, as it will explain everything else. Were you abused growing up? Did you withdraw from a traumatic family environment?

 

I agree there's always something deeply rooted that causes it. My ex's mother almost died giving birth to her and her sister and I knew she was TERRIFIED about sex and potentially getting pregnant to the point where she neglected physical intimacy her whole life (to this point). There's always something that causes it.

[SongCoyote]

Hello RedLipstick,

 

One of the big things that few have touched on in their responses could be the main core to your troubles: you have Aspberger's. People with Aspberger's specifically have trouble connecting with people because the condition affects how they perceive people emotionally, and thus how social interaction works on an inherent basis. I don't know how advanced your Aspberger's is, but I do know there is a wealth of information out there on it, and that unless it is very strong you can get help in overcoming the challenges it faces you with. There are support groups and counselors out there who know how to deal with it and can help you.

 

One of my good friends has a son with Aspberger's, and he has the same problems: he likes people and the idea of friends, but has trouble reaching out appropriately. She (his mom) has given him a lot of help, chemical and psychological as appropriate, and he has grown considerably. There are never guarantees, but perhaps this can give you some hope.

 

Beyond that I'm afraid I don't know how to guide you. I do, however, wish you luck in finding someone who knows better than I, and I encourage you to keep looking until you do!

 

Actually, that last part applies to anyone looking for a relationship, professional, personal, or otherwise

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

 

P.S. Lipstick has a certain magic, yes, but the real magic is you.