On Polygamy/Monogamy/Exclusivity...

[asthesparrow]

Hey ENA,

So I've posted about this same guy before (see: thread) and got some really great advice on that thread if you feel like reading.

First up I'm just going to say, don't pass any judgements on me. I understand that a lot of my views (relationships, sex & otherwise) aren't the social norm and therefore am sure are disagreeable on this forum. So just read with an open mind.

 

 

So, this man and I. We've been seeing each other for a year. We've been on holidays together, go on lots of dates, cook for each other, etc. He's incredibly loyal and checks all the boxes. We aren't exclusive. When we first got together I didn't want anything serious, neither did he, so it was entirely mutual and I was happy with the arrangement. It was a lot more casual then too.

Now we talk daily and see each other often. The dynamic has changed a lot in the sense that we were obviously "friends with benefits" at first, but increasingly, he is taking me out on dates for an hour or a few hours at a time without being intimate at all. Only really when we go on trips or cook at eachothers' houses are we intimate.

 

Recently I was ill, and he called me every day to check on me, even came over to keep me company and make me a healthy meal.

 

On top of that, I can openly talk to him about dating. In the time we've been seeing each other, I've told him about a few dates I've been on. As well as that, as much as I care for him deeply, I am not jealous or possessive and do not mind that he sleeps with other women. (However, this he never mentions but surely he does sleep with other women - he has a high sex drive.)

 

So, I am completely comfortable in the nature of our relationship, and I am sure he is too or else it'd be over by now. I have my cake & eat it too, essentially.

 

What's wrong? Although I am not jealous of other women, and I feel he does spend a lot of his time with me and thinking of me, I have this intense desire to be with him and only him.

 

I mean, monogamy is only 'normal' so I guess it makes sense. And I feel a lot of the reason I want to be 'exclusive' with him is because he doesn't want to. He isn't ready for commitment and I don't think he will be for awhile. I haven't been in a relationship for two years or so now, and I wanted to spend the better half of my 20's being single... He is the only man I have met in 2 years with whom I want to commit. I know he isn't going anywhere for awhile so at least I can rest assured in that fact, but still... What is it that is bothering me? It's the exact relationship I have been looking for sans the official title.. So what's the deal?

 

Any advice to impart, ENA?

Thank you much for reading this far.

[Fudgie]

I am curious - WHY doesn't he want to commit? Does he say why he isn't ready? Is he even dating other people at this time?

 

If he's not dating others/doesn't want to, spends oodles of time with you, and still says he doesn't want to commit, I'm thinking he may have been burned badly in the past so the title/idea of boyfriend and girlfriend may scare him.

[pl3asehelp]

Hey ENA,

So I've posted about this same guy before (see: thread) and got some really great advice on that thread if you feel like reading.

First up I'm just going to say, don't pass any judgements on me. I understand that a lot of my views (relationships, sex & otherwise) aren't the social norm and therefore am sure are disagreeable on this forum. So just read with an open mind.

 

This is a HUGE misconception. Just because someone does not agree with how you choose to live your life does not mean they are not open minded or judgmental. The exact same argument could be made in the opposite direction, i.e. your lifestyle choices could be thought to be closed minded and judgmental by preferring your choices to monogamy.

 

Everyone has preferences and it doesn't make anyone closed minded or judgmental because of those preferences.

 

OP - to your post - you're acknowledging that the reason you want to be exclusive is because he doesn't. I would focus on this if I were you. Why do you want something which is impossible to have? Is this a habit of yours? Do you do this in other situations? Do you enjoy the frustration of failure? If this is a habit, it's something that's going to cause you problems forever in multiple areas of your life until you resolve it.

[asthesparrow]

I am curious - WHY doesn't he want to commit? Does he say why he isn't ready? Is he even dating other people at this time?

 

If he's not dating others/doesn't want to, spends oodles of time with you, and still says he doesn't want to commit, I'm thinking he may have been burned badly in the past so the title/idea of boyfriend and girlfriend may scare him.

 

Thanks for replying.

He says he doesn't want to commit because he has been single 4 years now, and prefers being solo. He puts this down to being married 10 years and leaving his wife on account of her affair. I would say he is afraid of being hurt again, yes. But, as am I.... Aren't a lot of people? Don't we love, regardless?

 

 

This is a HUGE misconception. Just because someone does not agree with how you choose to live your life does not mean they are not open minded or judgmental. The exact same argument could be made in the opposite direction, i.e. your lifestyle choices could be thought to be closed minded and judgmental by preferring your choices to monogamy.

 

Everyone has preferences and it doesn't make anyone closed minded or judgmental because of those preferences.

 

OP - to your post - you're acknowledging that the reason you want to be exclusive is because he doesn't. I would focus on this if I were you. Why do you want something which is impossible to have? Is this a habit of yours? Do you do this in other situations? Do you enjoy the frustration of failure? If this is a habit, it's something that's going to cause you problems forever in multiple areas of your life until you resolve it.

 

Yes huge generalisation, but I have been scathed in the past on this forum and others for various beliefs, so I thought I'd throw it out there anyway. There can be a lot of close minded fools online who will ignore the entirety of your post just to belittle you.

ANYWAY.

Thank you for replying.

I feel this is a normal habit of mine and other peoples' when it comes to dating/relationships. Such as, pining after the person who left you, even though you know the relationship is over and they don't want you, for example. I feel it is normal to really crave things that are out of your reach.

I feel this is only one of the many reasons I want him to commit to me. He is an amazing man. I give him everything a girlfriend would, so I just wonder why is it that I'm not convincing enough to commit to? (I will state right now that I haven't yet asked him point-blank if he would ever commit to me.) More on that if need be....

[Day_Walker]

I am very reluctant to say that FWB can be turned into a relationship, not saying that it cannot be done but the dynamic is completely different and you two have to be on the same page. If you want to give the monogamous relationship a try then all you can do is see what his thinking is on the issue and go from there. At this point since you want more than what you have there is no point in continuing to be FWB, you will only dig yourself into a deeper whole and beginning to read into his actions things that he does not mean.

[pl3asehelp]

I feel this is a normal habit of mine and other peoples' when it comes to dating/relationships. Such as, pining after the person who left you, even though you know the relationship is over and they don't want you, for example. I feel it is normal to really crave things that are out of your reach.

I feel this is only one of the many reasons I want him to commit to me. He is an amazing man. I give him everything a girlfriend would, so I just wonder why is it that I'm not convincing enough to commit to? (I will state right now that I haven't yet asked him point-blank if he would ever commit to me.) More on that if need be....

 

I really have no idea if it's normal to waste your time trying to do something that is impossible, but I know I don't do it.

 

So you are thinking the reason he won't commit to you has something to do with you? That's possible, but it's also certainly possible that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I'd opt for the latter based on what you've said about him - he likes to sleep with multiple people. That seems like a pretty obvious reason why he wouldn't commit to you.

 

How can you say you don't mind him sleeping with other people and are not jealous or possessive, yet you want a commitment from him? What would the commitment be if he's still sleeping with other people? On the other hand, if the commitment would be that he stop sleeping with other people, then doesn't it follow that you do mind and are either jealous or possesive? (For what it's worth, I personally don't think it makes one possessive or jealous if they prefer to be in a monogamous relationship).

[Alezia]

To me, it just sounds like at first the sex was really exciting (FWB) - but perhaps it simply grew more into a companionship relationship, and he still enjoys having sex with you occasionally if you are together for a long period of time. He is happy to have you fill that wifely role as opposed to the sex kitten role, and he's ok with having another set of woman to complete that picture for him.

 

I think anyone who can have the best of both worlds, wants to keep it that way.

[DylanNotorious]

It's probably time to tell him your ready now for a full on relationship with him. Tell him your not interested in seeing other people, you just want to be with him.

[asthesparrow]

To me, it just sounds like at first the sex was really exciting (FWB) - but perhaps it simply grew more into a companionship relationship, and he still enjoys having sex with you occasionally if you are together for a long period of time. He is happy to have you fill that wifely role as opposed to the sex kitten role, and he's ok with having another set of woman to complete that picture for him.

 

I think anyone who can have the best of both worlds, wants to keep it that way.

 

I think I agree with you entirely, except that it has been like this since day 1 (company more so than just sex)... The first few months we were seeing eachother, I wasn't sure whether he just wanted a friend or a girlfriend...

 

I think my main issue is that if I can have the best of both worlds (still dating and sleeping with other people as well as one person I really totally adore) then why aren't I always happy with that? Over the past 2 months, he and I have been more of a 'couple' than ever... and I've felt no desire for anyone else whatsoever, and have turned down a few dates. To be honest, I feel silly to have even come here and questioned it. I shouldn't even be doubting it.

[Capricorn3]

I give him everything a girlfriend would, so I just wonder why is it that I'm not convincing enough to commit to? ...

 

You answered this yourself in the same post: "He says he doesn't want to commit because he has been single 4 years now, and prefers being solo.

[asthesparrow]

You answered this yourself in the same post: "He says he doesn't want to commit because he has been single 4 years now, and prefers being solo.

 

I guess so.

I much preferred being solo as well... Then I got attached to him.

Ha.