My Journey to Getting Myself Back

[oscarthaslouch]

My Fellow ENA'ers

 

I came here back in early June severely heart-broken and confused. This is not a post how to get your ex-back (I haven't done that yet, I've done it before though).

 

I did manage to get myself back since then. For those facing that long uphill struggle (I think it should be a long struggle too, nothing worthwhile should be achieved overnight), I want to give you my story and some pointers.

 

I got broken up with "Out of nowhere" at the beginning of May and I was at my absolute fattest (5'8"-218lbs, you do the math). Beyond that, I got clingy towards the end of the relation. Nothing too too bad but yes I was complacent staying in and not going out most nights. My boys would invite me out to events on weekends and I would turn it down sometimes because I had a girl already so why bother? And one more "symptom" I might add is that I stopped taking care of myself. I was eating like a wild boar (part of the reason I was fat), and a side effect was I didn't care about my appearance as most of my clothes didn't fit as well as they used too. Now I dont think I was gross by any means but yes personal hygiene was taking a backseat in a way. I also lost track of some of my hobbies such as listening to/finding/sharing music. Anyways, I wasn't THAT bad, but I will show you the difference compared to now.

 

The beginning of the journey... (Beginning of May - End of June)

 

1) The first couple weeks were bad. All I really had for focusing my energy on the breakup was to take it to the gym. Did the gym help take my mind off my Ex? No. But, I went to bed every night knowing I did something positive for myself. I didn't realize how out of shape I was, I mean, I could only do 20min on the stairmaster and another sloppy 10min on the rowing machine before I was done. But still, I kept going everyday because I needed to remind myself that I was taking this breakup into a positive direction. I started to make bets with co-workers that I could get down to a certain weight by a certain time (190lbs by June 25th for example). Yes I stopped eating like a slob too.

 

2) Not that my Ex tied me down in anyway, but being single gave me more of a freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted. It's hard to explain but to those that have been there, even if you weren't in a relationship that tied you down, having the freedom of being single is great once you get used to it. I slowly began going out more with my roommates and friends. Look I had absolutely no confidence in my abilities but I still kept going out because it felt like the right thing to do and I wanted to also show people that the breakup wasn't hurting me.

 

3) I started going to more concerts and electronic shows. Whatever floats your boat. I live in NYC so going to these events and seeing all these members of the opposite sex does help you realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you're not into the scene try to find something else.

 

4) I started visiting friends in nearby cities knowing that new experiences would help me reflect better upon my healing time during the breakup. I also would go visit my rooomates hometown whenever they would go back home.

 

5) Slowly, and unsuccessfully I would get girls numbers and try to date them. To be honest I was not ready and I think the fact that my confidence was low is what did this, but at the same time going through the motions of meeting other people does help and is a good step to take in my opinion.

 

6) I began going on walks for about an hour every night near my apartment with my iPod. This helped tremendously, it was a great way for me to think things through and also get used to being by yourself and happy about it. I wasn't happy about being by myself at this point but I strongly suggest evening walks with good music.

 

**At this point in my healing, I was still messed up. Yes I was reading this site every single day so things were starting to get clearer to me and I began to get wiser**

 

Part II (Beginning of July - Beginning f August)

*Although shorter than the other parts, looking back July had a significant impact on me, I think that's because my training wheels went off at this point and I started to get the routine of getting myself back. ENA, gym, go out, hang out with friends, read, etc. When I look back at it, July was crucial for me because that's when the scars began to scab.*

 

1) I started to notice results in my body but not yet to the point people were like "Damn". I lost the bet with my coworkers to get down to 190 by june 25th but I started hovering around 195-198lbs. So I lost 20lbs since the breakup and it was a good way to get my confidence going. I upped the ante on my workouts and was able to do 30min on a treadmill and 10min on the rowing machine, and I started doing pushups and other easy lifts.

 

2) I went to South America for about 10 days and this helped a lot. Just gaining a new experience and seeing new people does put things in perspective. I suggest doing something similar, if you can. I also read my first 2 books in Spanish which in a way made me feel better about myself as it's a relatively noteworthy thing to do (at least for me)

 

3) Around this time I already had begun to reach out to people I had lost touch with. I re-connected with a girl I went to school with on a friendly level. Even though nothing came of this her and I are pretty good friends now and it is great to have a girl to talk to at times as it gets your mind off the Ex. They are also good resources if you need advice for the opposite sex.

 

4) I really started pushing going out more and developed closer friendships with people I was acquaintances with and also made new friends. This helped a lot, making new friends of either sex helps expand your points of view and developing new relationships/bonds/experiences helps to minimize the impact that your Ex had on you. At least it did for me.

 

**At this point in my healing I'm still hurt by the breakup. I really cared for the girl but the NC and focusing on me gave me better understanding as to why things went down the way they did.

 

Part III (August-Present)

 

1) New haircut, new attitude. I'm feeling fly as hell now. I've lost 35lbs since the breakup and it's to the point where people are like "Damn!". I got new clothes that fit me better and also cleaned out old stuff from my room. OK maybe the clothes and haircut do not make the man but I suggest doing something similar. Doing those things told myself that this new me deserves a treat and you might as well put your best foot forward since you've put in work to get to this point.

 

2) My swagger is different and friends/family notice. I'm going to more concerts and yes the effect is still the same, how great is to see so many people out there, it did help me. I really back into my hobby of music and at this point in my healing I really start feeling like I've gotten myself back.

 

3) I go on my first date (gasp). Back in May I didn't think I would get to this point, but low and behold I went out to the bar with my roommates and met this girl. I don't want to get into "player talk" here but I did pick her up on my own and I think a large part of it had to do with my confidence and the pride I felt in getting myself back. It was only one date but it felt great and I can feel this momentum building.

 

4) September comes around and I can feel that I'm moving on. Yes I'm sad that I won't have another go with my Ex but it's obvious by now that I've gotten used to it. I still have down days but the walks at night help, the new friends and music help, being able to go out and be confident in who you are helps. I don't want to get any hopes up but yes the Ex reaches out with a breadcrumb at this time. (I don't want to go into what has happened with the Ex since then since it takes away from the point I'm trying to make here)

 

5) I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I do 42min on the treadmill, a very very solid 10min on the rowing machine and it's obvious now that I'm not the fat guy trying to get in shape anymore, I'm the guy in shape and trying to maintain.

 

6) I keep going out a lot with my friends, not only to bars to mingle but also to diff. events like Oktoberfest and baseball games and trips to explore the city. It's now to the point where I feel like I'm missing out if I don't partake and I really don't want to get complacent again by staying in. Not that it's everything, but more girls are hitting on me, the dating is more successful and I think this is because I BELIEVE IN MYSELF as a person at this point. I achieved a goal of getting myself back so if you're not there yet, the feeling when you realize it is powerful. I don't want to be a cocky jerk but I'm a lot more confident in my ways. I think ENA taught me a lot about myself too so all the reading is definitely beneficial.

 

**5 months later and I'm still alive. I really feel like a new 2.0 version of myself. Do I still think about her? Yes, a lot. Some ENA members could rightly say that this shows I'm not "back" yet or over her. I see your point but at the same time I feel like I got myself back in the sense that I'm used to the relationship being over now and I've accepted it. I have a new routine, a new me, a new goal (maintaining weight loss) that when I go to the gym everyday I feel good about myself.**

 

Guys and girls, it was not easy, and I can't say I'm 100% healed. But please note that what helped me the most was doing something that made me confident in myself again...even more confident than I was before the relationship. The gym and getting in shape was that thing for me so whatever helps you out just stick with it. ENA helps, friends and family helps, new girls help, new clothes, new experiences, a new haircut helps and so does a new you!

 

Thank you for reading this, sorry I know that it is not well-written but I hope that a reflection of my summer post-break up can help. Just keep trying to improve yourself every day because that is all you got. It's hard to explain but on days where I was feeling emotionally sick and tired from the breakup the gym is what helped me feel better about myself and keeping moving forward.

 

I hope to keep moving forward and stay strong.

 

-Oscar

[Springs]

Thank you for this It's put a little hope into a dismal night..

[catron]

this is really inspirational. you show me a glimmer of hope in the current mess i seem to be in and thank you for that.

[pennyloafer2]

I agree this was inspiring. Great job

[beacon]

Pure strength and pride. Pride is a underlying foundation for us to succeed due to it's guidance into rationality. But rationing pride is essential for it to be healthy. Once we get it or get it back, as the case may be, we can do what it takes. Good story and cheers!

[swann]

Good for you Oscar! Positive post and congratulations on getting yourself back.

[lemsip]

Awesome post man, your username doesn't quite work now though! I don't know where I'd be without music either: has helped me through some tough times.

 

I joined a gym yesterday to try and put on some weight!

 

Fair play, great story.

[pennyloafer2]

I ilke the username - it shows where he came from. You have to be pretty down on yourself to put yourself down in your username. And now look how proud he is and how high he's holding up his head. This is really inspiring.