Need Advice

[johnh1984]

All the stories in here give me hope for myself. To be strong and not give in to temptation and that longing. Here is my story and advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

We broke up around the end of August 2011 she left me. We were together for two years, lived together, and I have kids so she was kind of was there step mom. Also joined bank accounts, furniture, and she wore the ring I gave her when I proposed. She left me for certain reasons - were not being supportive, drinking, drugs, and finally the worst one of all was when she got an abortion and I told her off when she needed my help. I was in a different state of mind as I did not want to get the abortion and she did it anyways and it tore me inside. I almost went of the deep end by killing myself because of drugs. We had ups and downs yet always managed to say we loved each other and would be together forever.

 

I did my part in the end and so did she. Immediately after the break up she found someone new and stays at his house all the time. She has never been one to deal with her emotions and be alone. When we met it was love at first sight, what I didnt know she was on anti-deps, aderal, seizure medications and some other things. She was very emmotional and I dealt with it the best I could. Over our time together she stopped taking all those medications.

 

Long story short around mid September I asked her out on a date, she agreed. Remember she is still with this other guy. We went out but then the feelings came back to her she started to cry and blame me for everything. So i took it and just sat there. We hung out the next day at my house we watched a movie I started to become needy. Bad in my part. She slept over nothing sexual. A couple days later she told me she missed me, we still said I love you and so on. One night at 2 am I get a call and she says Im coming over. I said ok. In the morning I got her Jamba Juice and everything was fine. Later that night she went to my house and waited for me. Then she called me and said "I cant do this" and left. We would text randomly and everything seemed fine, till I started to pressure her on choosing. One Friday we went out and I told her I couldn't do this as it wasn't fair for anyone involved - What I meant by that was it wasn't fair for me, her, and the other guy. We decided to not see each other. Than the next Tuesday she called me and said if I could change her taillight and I said sure. We never got together after that as I told her no more. Last Friday we talked and decided we weren't going to communicate anymore - but she said text anymore. I said fine I will no longer contact you. She said I never said not talk but if that's what you want. Today Oct 10th after we decided not to talk she emailed me "Hope this makes you laugh" it was some joke she sent me. I have made a lot of changes since she left I joined AA, see a Homeopathic doctor, therapist and turned my world completely around to be a better person for her and myself. I have no idea if no contact is the way to go and I need advice. Sorry if the story jumps around a bit. I just do not understand she says no more but then sends me an email. Thanks.

 

Sorry forgot. She said stuff like "I know will be together in the end, I love you, I miss you, I want babies with you, I still wear my engagement ring when hes not around." She split up with me. I don't understand what any of this means, I know shes confused and hurt. She stopped telling me this on Friday but she did contact me like I said via email today. I never replied, I usually do.

[Eocsor]

First of all. You have major changes to make in your life before you can be with anyone. You're a recovering addict and barely into your treatment process. This is probably the worst time to be chasing someone who is ambiguous about whether they want to be with you or not.

 

Heal first. Change for yourself, not her. If the only reason you are doing this is for her you will fail. If, when you are in a better place you want to see if you can pick things up try then. Right now you need to take care of you.

[endy]

What Eocsor said. To add to that, once you do get through this for yourself... Hopefully you are in a better place in mind, body, and spirt.... You're not going to want someone like this anymore.

 

Look at her actions. Disregard what she says. She is with someone else and cheating on you. This is not healthy. I would consider starting to learn about you inside. There's ways to do this, but right now focus on ridding yourself of the alcohol. You need to start thinking about your children more as well. You have no idea how your behavior is effecting them. That's the more important thing right now.

[EgoJoe]

It's best not to change anything for a whole year after you gain sobriety. Plus, dude, wearing the ring when he's not around.

 

You deserve better.

[johnh1984]

You guys are right in the fact that I need to do major changes. I am currently in the process of getting better for myself and I can say Im doing really good both menatally and physically. Been sober since the last time I said I almost went off the edge. I have always been spiritual and always try to seek help. Yet this time I actually followed through. Going to the gym lost about 13 pounds so far, feeling great and doing what I need to do. Eating well, going out with friends. Met a girl but I cant seem to forget about my other half. So therefore I cannot commit with anyone else.

 

Yet I still miss her as if it wasnt for her I would have never taken the steps to get better.

 

Am I just clinging on to something that will never be? Why does she still contact me if she didnt care? Why would she ask me to apologize in letter to her family members? Im so confused but no longer in a painful state of mind. I feel like she was the one that got away. Thank You everyone this place is great.

[endy]

Yes you are, it's not true that if it wasn't for her you would have not get better. It's not her that caused you to change. It's the experience in your life that's causing you to change. She was just a part of it. That person could have been anyone. Odd to think of it that way isn't it?

 

That's probably exactly what she was in your life for. Look, she's screwed up as well. She jumped into another relationship which is not healthy. She then cheated with you. If she can cheat with you she WILL cheat on you, trust me.

 

Like attracts like, your'e screwed up and she's screwed up. A healthy person would not have stuck in the relationship for as long as she did. A healthy person would also not put up with her behavior. What you need to do is get well in this department.

 

Furthermore stay single for a year or so. Get to a place where you are happy by yourself. Please don't use that poor woman you met as a crutch because in all honestly that's what she would be. Also that behavior... women being a revolving door in your life is not healthy for you kids. It creates abandonment issues if they are attached to them. It WILL effect who they are as an adult. Many people don't realize this. They don't realize their kids are that observant, and what they do will ultimately effect who their children are when they grow up.

[johnh1984]

In respone to Kids issue. My kids do not live with me, and I do understand what you mean by this. I have never brought any woman around my kids besides the X.

 

You are also completely correct in the fact that I cannot use her as a crutch - and I told her everything that is going on and she understands. We decided to stay in contact because she also has a kid and would like to hang out and do stuff with kids just as friends.

 

Thank You for the response I will get better for myself and thanks for the help. I must admit I do miss her people say it was a toxic relationship but hey Love is blind sometimes. I will try to do my best in NC and see what happens in the future.

[cocoon2012]

Hi john,

I think the conclusion you guys reached is very right and you need to learn and practice your life as an independent and individual being for a while before entering in any type of relation. from her point of view also i think she has a dependent personality and you both have been struggling to teach each other in dependency which has finally lead to your separation> i think you both are very much concern about each other> you may start practicing to be good friends and that i think will be a good friendship but as a life partner two dependent personality can not experience a full life together!, i wish you good luck

[johnh1984]

Thank You For that

[johnh1984]

I need some advice on this matter. I have a 2 joint bank accounts in our names. They were originally mine and she is still on them. I am doing NC but I need this taken care of. How do I go about this? Any help would be greatly appreicated. FYI I asked her about 2 weeks ago and she hasnt done it, I was not very pushy on the matter though. Thanks.

[johnh1984]

So she just called me I did not answer the phone. Either she wants something of hers or something else what should I do?

[Mesemene]

Well, you're going to have to contact her about the bank accounts.

 

What I'd probably suggest is call back after a reasonable amount of time, "hey, sorry I missed your call, I was meaning to get in touch anyways since we still need to take care of those bank accounts. When do you think you can get that done?"

 

Until you get all your finances separated and stuff to each other, NC might not be 100% possible, so keep it as minimal as possible, keep it calm and casual, and don't get drawn into personal conversation. So if she initiates more personal conversation, break it off politely "Doing pretty well, thanks for asking. Nice talking to you, I'll check with the bank next week to make sure there weren't any complications, take care!"

[johnh1984]

Thank you. So just keep it short and to the point. Act cool and polite. I guess I have to call her later. Once again Thank You.

[johnh1984]

OK so I talked to my doctor. We had agreed on NC for at least a week. Yet she called me twice today and its eating me up inside to know why!!! I can deal with the bank thing till Friday. I don't want to play games of not answering either - yet I made a promise not to call and be strong. What is the right thing to do call back tonight or wait till Friday like I had agreed on?

[johnh1984]

Ok so she called me one more time and I decided to pick up as I rather not play this game. I answered and she stayed quiet. I said "whats up!" she said "I called you cause I miss you" I said "I miss you too." We talked for about 5 minutes then she got mad at me for bringing up the bank thing. I brushed it off and said I will call you sometime. Later that night I went out with a friend to a place I used to go with my X a lot. So I texed her - do you want some cheescake? She said yes. I brought it to her house after dinner with a friend and we talked for a bit.

 

We talked for about 10 minutes. I cut it short and said I gotta go. She said can I have a hug - I gave in and said sure. Then she said a kiss, I couldnt resist and we kissed for like a minute. I left. Later that night she text me "WHAT TIME ARE YOU GONNA BE HOME?"

i said Y? - Response - I want to come over she said. I said "are you still with the guy?" Response: YES, But I have been thinking about you a lot lately and miss you. Sorry. My response to that was No need to be sorry, I cant tonight maybe some other time. I will call you when Im available.

 

Did I do the right thing as I am not here to be second. Im living and changing and I dont think its ok if shes with someone else to let her come.

 

Any advice would be helpful.

[Mesemene]

You did the right thing, unless you want to be her secret affair.

 

It would definitely give me more food for thought that she's wanting to come over while she's with someone else, and make me wonder if that other guy could be me, should I let her back in, though!

[endy]

you did do the right thing besides hugging and kissing her. She's cheating with you. If she can cheat with you she can cheat on you.

 

True love is not blind, it's very easy to spot... Infatuation is though. This person doesn't love herself. She's acting out of want and desire. And the bad thing is YOU'RE allowing it. She's doing whatever she wants and you're telling her it's alright to do by your actions.

 

You need to tell her next time she talks to you that she's in a relationship. You've cheated with me, and I'm not going to have any part of it anymore. It's disrespectful to all three of us, and I deserve better than that. Don't contact me until you're out of your current relationship.

 

What that is saying is... you made a choice to end our relationship, you need to live with it, I don't need you, and I'm not going to be there for you whenever the hell you want because you made that decision.

 

She'll probably break up with him, run back to you, and then the whole thing will start over again on her end. She's a broken person, so are you. You both need to heal before you come back together... She can't while in another relationship.

 

Take out your alcohol... add the breakup and loss of trust. Go back into the same relationship with that added... It's most likely not going to work if you get right back together. But people need to learn from experience. It's your life. Do with it what you will.

[johnh1984]

thank You guys