How do i transition into an open marriage

[nate5336]

My wife of 2 years (been together 4) and I are having some really hard times right now and she has decided that she wants to move back to her mothers house and wants a divorce. Now this is not the first time this has happened, but have seemed to work it out in the past. The major issue we have is that she is determined to be with who she wants when she wants regardless of the fact that it could end our marriage, to the point that she doesn't think i can handle that type of situation and that divorce is the only answer. Now here's the kicker, I want the same thing for the most part, I don't want it near as bad as she does I admit, but I'm not turned off by the idea by any means. My issue is that I want to feel confident that these other relationships are secondary and I already feel like i am always being put on the back burner to everything and that my opinions are not heard or cared about. There seems to be no room for negotiations, either all or nothing. I don't have a problem with all but again I feel right now I need a bit of a transition period to adjust without it affecting work and general life. I feel like we need to mend us first before we go out and find others to where she feels that the others will help us. I am very confused and do not want to loose my wife or my step kids. Does anyone have any advice on how I can make this decision a bit faster and easier to swallow? Like I said, for the most part we want the same end result just one of us more than the other. And the middle parts to getting there now or in 6 months are becoming the deal breakers. We have both lost a lot of weight recently, she is nearing 50 lbs lost and I am at about 35 lbs lost. We are both on our way to that goal and she has been a great inspiration to me in that respect. We are both eating healthier, I am wanting more and more to study a lot more of what she is studying which I never put much into before I started becoming healthier. She is completely into massage, the seven shakras, energy work, being in touch with your chi, and the like. It has kinda had my attention for some time but honestly not enough for me to care enough about it to learn it all. I was also overweight then and even though i said i wanted to be thinner I did nothing about it and complained that I wasn't loosing weight. So now I am getting into a better place physically and it has been making me want to learn more. One reason i didn't try to get into it any sooner was because while my wife wants her own healing center with many forms of healing going on at once, she wanted it to be her own thing and even though i supported her in it, she made it clear that she really didn't want my help with it and I figured that she didn't really care if I was involved in the learning process or not of these things. Now she has made it clear that she wants someone that is into all that, and as silly as I feel talking about my abductors, and my gluts, and actually calling them by their names, I know the whole situation is a step in the right direction for me and I. I know I am rambling now so I will stop there is just so much on my mind and I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me save my marriage. I posted this here because we are both bi, she more than i, but we are both bi so if I should post someplace else please let me know, I have never posted to a forum before. Please ask me any question to help fill in gaps I have left I am sure I have left plenty. Its hard to get our whole situation without reading a book.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, you can only have an open marriage if both people are on the same page about it and willing to put the work in (and the upkeep you have to do on a relationship increases with every other person involved in it) and if both people have the same desire to be in the relationship.

 

Your wife just doesn't sound like she has the same desire to keep your marriage going, let alone go through the transition into an open marriage. It needs everyone to be able to uphiold their responsibilities and keep good communication going. While you already feel like a low priority.

 

Open relationships are lots of work, not salvage operations.

[Mesemene]

Pretty much what I was going to say. Both partners have to REALLY be on the same page, and most couples who accept other sexual partners have very distinct boundaries around those "outside" sexual relationships. One being usually, it can't be a "relationship" but is firmly a physical adventure/release. It takes a TON of trust in your partner, and a lot of self-confidence. And an absolute confidence that the partnership is stronger than the draw of any of those outside sexual adventures.

 

My issue is that I want to feel confident that these other relationships are secondary and I already feel like i am always being put on the back burner to everything and that my opinions are not heard or cared about. There seems to be no room for negotiations, either all or nothing.

 

This worries me that your wife is a lot less invested in you as a team, couple, and partnership than you are. And that's the basis of ANY marriage, open or otherwise.

 

If you DO decide to try this - I'd strongly suggest getting the help of a marriage counselor who's familiar with some less traditional situations, and possibly one who shares in your philosophies to put things in terms that will make sense to both of you.

 

And really sit down and talk to your wife, explain to her how you've been more and more drawn to her health styles and tenets, and ask her if she's willing to make this a true partnership with the potential for being open to sexual partners other than each other. It'll only work if you're both working for the same goals.

[cocoon2012]

Hi nate

from my personal experience i think the worst thing in a relation is happening when one party give up his/her own interests become a part of the other party`s interests. I think your wife wants to keep her interests unique for herself and she doesn't want you to be more concern than herself in her interests! does it make sense?