My therapist doesn't like my boyfriend.. is this inappropriate?

[justinfan12]

Alright. I have been seeing this therapist for about a year and a half now.

He has helped me with my trauma, and I have had to confide in him with things to help me to progress.

And one of the things we talk about is my boyfriend.

 

It seems that since the beginning, my male therapist doesn't like my boyfriend at all.

I can see in some light why but I've kindly explained to him the errors of my perception.

I tell my therapist that before my boyfriend was the jealous type, only because he was protective of me.

My boyfriend is a very affectionate person, I had to get used to it but I love this about him he has a big heart and isn't afraid to show me he loves and cares through affection physically.

 

Because of my rape trauma my therapist thinks my boyfriend is wrong for me. I kind of think it's inappropriate because when I talk to my therapist about certain things I am not asking for his advice - I just need to vent and let things out so I can form a conclusion. My therapist will "chime" in and make these faces of obvious disapproval. "He doesn't have a sense of boundaries. He touches you without your permission" - he is my boyfriend of course he can touch me. With hugging and kissing etc.

"I don't like the sound of this guy. My boyfriend made me uncomfortable sexually just once, I told my therapist this just to air it out and he won't let it go. Even though I talked about it with my boyfriend and got things cleared. He sounds like he has major problems" - because I mentioned my boyfriend gets overexcited sometimes and likes to text me a lot throughout the day (by the minute) he thinks very badly of him and I don't get why.

 

I am a little impressionable so hearing his disapproval makes me very confused and question myself at times. It's like he tries to persuade me not to be with my boyfriend. Last time I checked he has a girlfriend so I don't think he would be into me at all. My last session, before he left he said in a way "So I really HOPE you do the right thing with this guy. I'm not sure about him. but I know you will make the right decision. You always do. See you next week."

 

I see him tomorrow. He will ask if I most likely. Is this even. appropriate?

[wiseoldwoman]

Sounds to me as though your therapist is recognizing red flags you'd prefer to ignore. You've given your therapist information that suggested to him that your boyfriend is not good for you. While you might be able to find excuses for things and downplay them in your own mind, your therapist isn't invested in the relationship and has no need to find excuses for your boyfriend.

 

Why would be seeing a therapist if you don't think he should be giving you advice? If all you need to do is vent, wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to just get a dog? They're willing to listen to anything you have to say, but never give advice.

[justinfan12]

I just kind of feel uncomfortable even mentioned my boyfriend because I always feel like he is scrutinizing me if I continue to see him. He uses this sweet voice but I sense that he's not genuine with the sweetness at all.. Im not being paranoid either. I want to know if you guys think his behavior is odd as well..? Just something ive been noticing over the months now.. He just looks for ways to ask me questions that paint my boyfriend out to be a bad person?

 

We had a conversation, basically I told my therapist that my boyfriend suggested that I should not drink because it is unhealthy and I should not smoke (marijuana). Because of that, my therapist went into some rant saying "This guy is possessive. Who is he telling you not to do those things?" I added "Maybe he just cares about my health. I don't drink a lot. But I went out with a friend to drink instead of spending time with him and the next day he just mentioned he never thought I drank and he thought it was weird and suggested I should stop."My therapist said, "He's telling you what to do. That's not caring. He is trying to control you." I said "But isn't a little possessiveness healthy? He wasn't being possessive he just looks out for me."

 

Basically I left feeling awful. I really don't think my therapist was accurate at all. He always seems like he is attacking my boyfriend. I don't understand why. I just want to be happy.

[Lonewing]

I did not know therapists took such positions on people in your life...

[justinfan12]

Sounds to me as though your therapist is recognizing red flags you'd prefer to ignore. You've given your therapist information that suggested to him that your boyfriend is not good for you. While you might be able to find excuses for things and downplay them in your own mind, your therapist isn't invested in the relationship and has no need to find excuses for your boyfriend.

 

Why would be seeing a therapist if you don't think he should be giving you advice? If all you need to do is vent, wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to just get a dog? They're willing to listen to anything you have to say, but never give advice.

He makes it out to be as if my boyfriend is some dangerous person. He isn't. He is very sweet and kind towards me. And I feel safe with him. I don't see the red flags because they aren't red flags to me.

I know what red flags are. I say "My boyfriend is very happy that I no longer walk the route I use to take. Because of what happened to me." My therapist says "He is being controlling."

 

How is that controlling? he never said "Babe do not take that route ever again." He doesn't tell me what to do. he makes suggestions. Suggestions and telling someone what to do, I would think these two are different? Right? It just seems like my therapist had some vendetta against him, and I am not seeing why. It's like a relationship isn't allowed to have differences or else there are "red flags".

[wiseoldwoman]

If you don't feel comfortable with or trust your therapist, he's not going to do you much good. Change your therapist if that's the case. Then again, I think your discomfort might be because your therapist might be right, and you don't want to admit it. You went out with a friend to drink instead of spending time with your boyfriend, and your boyfriend thought you should stop drinking because of that? That's bizarre and it does sound as though he's over the line. He should be glad you have friends to spend time with and shouldn't be expecting you to spend all your available time with him. Sounds to me as though his not wanting you to drink had nothing to do with your health, but rather is a way of trying to control you and limit your friendships with others. I think your therapist is probably spot on.

 

But if you don't want to deal with this rather important aspecct of your life with your therapist, you need to tell him that. Then don't bring up your boyfriend again. Or change therapists. It's your life and your decision obth as to your boyfriend and your therapist.

[Miss Kitty]

He's a proffesional. He might have a better idea than you of how this relationship is going. I think you should pay attention to what your therapist is saying.

[Miss Kitty]

After reading your previous posts. I agree with him. Your boyfriend has jealousy issues.

[LDRohnos]

Look at your other threads such as this one

 

 

 

Compare that to what you're talking about now, I think perhaps the two are interlinked. Your therapist might be implying that you aren't ready for this relationship yet with this particular person. I don't know your boyfriend at all other than what you've posted here but if you're going through something that keeping you emotionally locked up...the last thing you need is someone controlling/pressuring you into things that you CLEARLY are not ready for. Also, you could always get a second opinion from another therapist.

 

Now look at this thread:

 

 

 

Again your boyfriend is being very overprotective of you and doesn't trust your own intuition/decision making to make your own judgement call to goto lunch with this guy from work. I don't even think you trust YOURSELF to discern what to do.

 

Finally..

 

 

 

I think this more or less confirms that you're having a lot of trouble seeing signs and clear messages being sent to you by this guy. Things that you are interpreting very poorly.

 

 

I think your therapist is right on the money (based off these threads). Personally I don't think you should even be in a relationship right now and that again may be what he's alluding to.

[dansmi12345]

Be open to what he's saying. With that said, if you're so uncomfortable that it will effect the progress you're making with this therapist, perhaps it would be a good idea to set up a session with a different therapist to get their opinion on your bf.

[Ms Darcy]

This is your third or fourth post about your bf in only a few days. I think you have some serious doubts.

[justinfan12]

After reading your previous posts. I agree with him. Your boyfriend has jealousy issues.

I honestly don't see the jealousy issues. I think people get jealous all the time. It's not like he demands things of me you know? He just gets a little uncomfortable but he gets over it

[justinfan12]

Because I don't drink at all. He thinks I'm an all around good girl. Which most of the time I guess I am.

He was just shocked that I drank. I think most of it was because I didn't want to go to see him, he wanted me to at least be safe and sober up at his place afterwards. He wasn't telling me what to do. He was just surprised, that's all.

 

But my therapist is convinced he was controlling me which I think is not accurate at all.

He was also surprised that I smoke - I don't tell people this I'm kind of a private person with certain things - so leaving that part out surprised him. But again, apparently he was controlling me.

[LDRohnos]

Because I don't drink at all. He thinks I'm an all around good girl. Which most of the time I guess I am.

He was just shocked that I drank. I think most of it was because I didn't want to go to see him, he wanted me to at least be safe and sober up at his place afterwards. He wasn't telling me what to do. He was just surprised, that's all.

 

But my therapist is convinced he was controlling me which I think is not accurate at all.

He was also surprised that I smoke - I don't tell people this I'm kind of a private person with certain things - so leaving that part out surprised him. But again, apparently he was controlling me.

 

You seem to ask for advice then argue that it isn't true... You've done it on your other posts and you're doing it here. Apparently you do it with your therapist as well. I think perhaps you should start listening to people that may have a bit more experience than you do in these matters.. I'm not even talking about on this forum, I'm talking about your therapist.

 

Or go see another therapist but with that kind of attitude you aren't going to get anywhere anyway.

[justinfan12]

He's a proffesional. He might have a better idea than you of how this relationship is going. I think you should pay attention to what your therapist is saying.

 

I pay attention and hear him loud and clear I do think what he is saying is not accurate at all though.

Therapists all claim to be professionals. Just my opinion. I really don't see the posessiveness or jealous issues. It's not like he turns into a maniac. He just asks questions. I tell him I an out or going out he asks "Who? And Where?" I tell him, he responds with "Okay have fun. Call me if you need me" if it's at night he will ask me to call him when I reach said destination. He just wants me to be safe. But of course my therapist thinks he is being possessives I don't see it.

 

how does asking someone "who? where is it?@ being controlling

[justinfan12]

I don't mean to argue. I wasn't getting that at all. I'm just providing my view of it at all. Just trying to understand how and where my therapist and you seem to get these ideas. If you think I am arguing I am not, sorry you got that impression.

[LDRohnos]

I don't mean to argue. I wasn't getting that at all. I'm just providing my view of it at all. Just trying to understand how and where my therapist and you seem to get these ideas. If you think I am arguing I am not, sorry you got that impression.

 

You are arguing though. You're asking for advice and blocking out all the parts you don't want to hear or just discrediting them entirely. I'm sure you're doing it with your therapist as well, possibly even selectively telling him things that protect your point of view. You cannot have effective treatment with that kind of attitude.

[Capricorn3]

I think your therapist is right on the money (based off these threads). Personally I don't think you should even be in a relationship right now and that again may be what he's alluding to.

^^ I agree with the above. When reading all your other threads, I think your therapist is 100% correct.

 

"But my therapist is convinced he was controlling me which I think is not accurate at all".

 

Again, I would agree with your therapist. Not only the therapist, but the majority of people seem to agree with him too. That says a lot. I think you're being delusional and ignoring what's in front of you. Open up to what he's telling you - it could save you a lot of pain/drama in the future.

[justinfan12]

^^ I agree with the above. When reading all your other threads, I think your therapist is 100% correct.

 

 

 

Again, I would agree with your therapist. Not only the therapist, but the majority of people seem to agree with him too. That says a lot. I think you're being delusional and ignoring what's in front of you. Open up to what he's telling you - it could save you a lot of pain/drama in the future.

He isn't pain or drama. He's quite peaceful.

 

I don't see how I am being delusional. His behavior seems fairly acceptable to me. I know a lot of men like this. How does it make them possessive or jealous? So asking your partner to call you as soon as you get home = red flag

 

Or is something wrong with being chivalrous in today's society? I don't have a problem with it. But my therapist does.

That's what truly stifles me. I only tell him about it because I tell him things that happen every week with me. It stifles me, because I truly don't have an issue thus far, but he does. No one is telling me what the issue is.

just saying "jealousy and possessive" but I am not hearing evidence of this?

 

Possessiveness is when you won't allow someone to do anything you think you control them

Jealousy which is a normal thing... overt jealousy seems mutually exclusive towards possessiveness.

[justinfan12]

Basically the problem in my eyes is hearing from

someone I'm supposed to trust that he doesn't think someone I care about is good for me.

When I don't have any problems or issues with my boyfriend (if so we discuss it and it gets resolved)

Sure he may be a little protective but he cares, and I respect that. It doesn't bother me at all. What is bothering me is having someone pick an issue with something that doesn't bother me. If it doesn't bother me why should it bother you is basically the gist of it.

 

He seems consumed with this idea that my bf is a big bad wolf in Sherpa clothing and that is far from the truth. I'm not being delusional. And you guys seem to be saying the same thing which I honestly don't get. That's what confuses me.

[whysoalone]

Haha, everyone here just seems to agree with the "professional". Every guy is jealous at times, if you can point out one that isn't, then by all means prove it! He doesn't sound controlling or possessive, he sounds right for you. He's understanding of your past experiences and he's supporting you through them all.. Maybe there's more to this therapist?

[Ms Darcy]

I really think this goes back to what LD said a long time ago ... YOU are not ready for a relationship. Thread after thread you are demonstrating that.

[justinfan12]

Haha, everyone here just seems to agree with the "professional". Every guy is jealous at times, if you can point out one that isn't, then by all means prove it! He doesn't sound controlling or possessive, he sounds right for you. He's understanding of your past experiences and he's supporting you through them all.. Maybe there's more to this therapist?

 

That's exactly what I am saying! My bf isn't bad at all...

yes he gets jealous so what? If you were with someone you loved and thought was absolutely beautiful and who made you feel happy would you not be the littlest jealous if someone else might take them away or threaten this?

He is supportive of me, he is understanding - which trust me is very difficult to find. He could have left a long time ago and he chose to stay with me and support and help me. He is open and honest with me.

 

So why my therapist has beef is beyond me, he his sounds really jaded and jealous.

And to the person saying I shouldn't be in relationships? who are you? I didn't ask your "opinion" on whether I should be in a relationship. I'm happy with my relationship, he encourages me.

 

I'm just annoyed because I don't have an issue with my bf so why does MY therapist offer his unsolicited opinions and any single time he brings my bf up he seems so negative? Has nothing nice to say about him. Always looks for something to critique. It's really weird to me.

[Capricorn3]

OP: Sorry, I was basing my reply on all your past threads. You really seem very unsure about your boyfriend/relationship in so many ways, so it's easy to see why most people have this view. I personally think you aren't ready for a relationship right now.

[justinfan12]

OP: Sorry, I was basing my reply on all your past threads. You really seem very unsure about your boyfriend/relationship in so many ways, so it's easy to see why most people have this view. I personally think you aren't ready for a relationship right now.

 

Seem. thats an illusion. You might seem to think I seem unsure but doesn't mean that I am.

I'm really happy about my relationship. Every relationship has problems. We work through them and progress together. I don't really need your opinions of whether you think I should be in a relationship because that wasn't what I asked.

 

My main issue is people literally picking FOR issues when I don't HAVE an issue with him(my boyfriend).

It's like people telling someone "That person is not right for you." Based on what? Your ideals? If that person is happy so what's that got to do with you? (not aiming this at anyone just saying in general)

 

 

It's like people here and my therapist want me to make up an issue or provoke me to be bothered by something when I truly am not. That's what irks me and confuses me.