Confused

[katietrapp1]

I found a message of my husbands the other day he was talking to another woman about sex, and wasn't sure he married right woman. When confronted he said he didn't mean it blah blah anywho I have met a guy he is married but we are into each other and I don't know what to do. Any advice would help.

[wiseoldwoman]

Doesn't sound as though either of you have much of a commitment to this marriage. Might as well end it sooner than later and get it over with.

[annie24]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

I think you guys should get straight to counseling.

[Mesemene]

Doesn't sound like either of you care much about each other - why did you marry again?

[Keyman]

Okay, same as what everyone else has said about your current relationship.

 

But you have met a married guy... How did you feel when you found out about your husband talking to another woman? Are you happy to destroy another marriage because it looks like yours is being destroyed?

[LDRohnos]

This is like the definition of passive aggressive behavior.... Get professional help if you have any interest in saving the marriage...if not just get out.

[katietrapp1]

I have never been unfaithful,he will not do cosouneling...I do love him but i am tired of getting hurt....I dont know what do do..

[katietrapp1]

And i have not done anything with the other man...Nor do i plan to I guess its the attention he gives me.

[contrase]

And i have not done anything with the other man...Nor do i plan to I guess its the attention he gives me.

 

I wonder how many people actually plan to cheat on their spouses? I bet they tell themselves that they won't ever do something like that, but they like the attention, and things just sort of get a bit out of control and before you know it, an accident happens and they find themself having an affair without meaning to! As they lay there in post coital bliss, the fog gradually clears and they mostly believe that they didn't mean for it to happen and they somehow talk themselves into believing that they're still good and moral and honest and ethical and trustworthy, however each time they do it again it's harder to make that rationalization. But of course they still do. Heck their spouse didn't give them enough attention, or enough sex, or they worked too much, or whatever. There always seems to be a good reason.

 

I suggest you figure out what you're going to do about your marriage and either fix it or end it. If it's the latter, get it done and THEN thinking about getting with another guy who gives you lots of attention that you crave. But do it in that order and don't do it with a guy who is married because a guy like that is not the sort of person you want to get attention from.

[katietrapp1]

Well i wont go in private with him to avoid accidents..Im not like that. My husband does this all the time and i forgiv him like a fool and he keeps doing it.

[contrase]

Well i wont go in private with him to avoid accidents..Im not like that. My husband does this all the time and i forgiv him like a fool and he keeps doing it.

 

Your husband has accidents in private with other women all the time and you forgive him and he keeps doing it?

 

Why don't you leave him?

[katietrapp1]

We have two kids and i keep hoping he will chang.

[LDRohnos]

Oh, that's definitely not going to happen if he's refusing to goto therapy. He's perfectly happy doing what he's doing.

[contrase]

We have two kids and i keep hoping he will chang.

 

Why would he change? He's got it just the way he wants it with no consequences.

 

It's like expecting him to suddenly stop eating.

[Mesemene]

Well i wont go in private with him to avoid accidents..Im not like that. My husband does this all the time and i forgiv him like a fool and he keeps doing it.

 

I have to agree with the others.

 

He's got a nice family at home waiting for him when he's done entertaining himself with other women. Why would he want to change anything? He has the best of the "married" world with a wife waiting at home, and the best of a "single" world with being able to fool around without obligation to these other women.

 

That's not good for you, or your children. If he isn't willing to go to counseling, he doesn't want to change. So you have a choice, either years ahead of what you're living with now - or start looking into your options to leave him and start a new life without him.

[Doofus]

It's distressing to me that none of the others who have posted on here seem interested in the fact that you have children. I'm glad that you are.

If you could somehow consider this question aside from your husband's cheating, consider it: Is he a good father? If so, then you should dig in, I think. If he won't change, or, even, consider changing his wandering ways, then suggest to him that you two have an open marriage. Or, heck, just start sleeping with the other man - just be clear with him that you are not going to leave your family for him. I am a strong believer that cheating alone does not justify divorce if there are children involved - unless they're adults of course. I know you're hurting, but you need to think first of your children and what's best for them. Your happiness comes second. Be tough.

[contrase]

I am a strong believer that cheating alone does not justify divorce if there are children involved

 

You won't find too many who echo your sentiments.

[Mesemene]

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree here Doofus. A lot of marriages where cheating occurs aren't healthy in other ways, and the children are getting their images of what represents a "healthy" relationship from their parents. If BOTH parties aren't completely comfortable with an unconventional approach, it's not necessarily the wisest thing to force something that's just not working to stay together.

 

There's very little information to go on to be able to say it would be a viable option here.

[contrase]

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree here Doofus. A lot of marriages where cheating occurs aren't healthy in other ways, and the children are getting their images of what represents a "healthy" relationship from their parents. If BOTH parties aren't completely comfortable with an unconventional approach, it's not necessarily the wisest thing to force something that's just not working to stay together.

 

There's very little information to go on to be able to say it would be a viable option here.

 

Yes, that's true. In a healthy marriage the husband and wife are supportive of one another, and are affectionate and do things to make each other feel good.

 

When there's infidelity, especially as Doofus presents it, to the point where one spouse says "Go screw whomever you want, I'm going to do the same but we're together for the kids", well the kids will see right through the charade and not learn about healthy loving relationships and they will learn all about deceit,, and disrespect, and hostility, and even hatred.

 

Not the ideal role model situation for our kids to follow.

[katietrapp1]

Our children are 3 and 7 weeks. I could never bring my self to cheat, I want things to work but honestly i don't know how. I have told him to stop and If I find it again were done but I can't trust him... He has even had nude pictures of wOmen

[Doofus]

And so the alternative is to say to your children, essentially, this: "If a relationship with a dear loved one gets hard, give up. Leave the loved one." You're right. Children learn about how to treat others, how they themselves are likely to be treated - by future mates, and, importantly, by you - by how you treat their other parent. Bank on it. Oh.. and I use the word bank on purpose. Divorce has a tendency to plunge everyone, including the children, into poverty. Especially the children. But, by all means, indulge your pride first.

[Mesemene]

Children learn about how to treat others, how they themselves are likely to be treated - by future mates, and, importantly, by you - by how you treat their other parent.

 

Perfect.

 

You said it - if the husband is willing to commit to change, and both are open to counseling, that's one thing. Of course, staying together, if both are willing to work on it, is ideal. But...

 

But if he has no intention of changing, you're advocating to the children that treating mom with no respect or love is A-Ok. And that cheating on someone they profess to love is also just fine.

 

You can't have it both ways. And you can't maintain any relationship without the effort of both partners, or it's no longer a partnership - it's a host and a parasite.