skeeter99 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I'm getting sick of being hurt by the people I feel I'm closest to. I realized that the best way to handle this is to have no expectations of them, so I won't get hurt and I can live more free and be content. But how does one just stop having expectations of people? Does that mean I have to be cold and distant towards them? Do I have to stop caring for them? Can anyone please give me tips and examples on how I can stop having expectations? I'm having a difficult time understanding how to do it. Thanks. Link to comment
indigoblue Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Do what you feel like doing. Personally after I've told someone over and over again how they've crossed or hurt me, and they still don't get it I just cut contact. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 My DD21 had trouble picking friends who expected her to keep being a Giver, even when they had no intention of Giving back. I told her, this year at school, to not be so quick to offer things - help, rides, food, etc. Just hang out with them. Don't offer so much if they say they need something; sit it out and see if they take care of it themselves, or someone else steps in. That way, you're not creating a precedent of being the Giver in the relationship. Those people who just befriend you so they can be a User to your Giver will go away. And you'll be left with people who are real friends. THEN you can be more helpful, once it's established that you're real friends. Also, look for people who share the same values. Talk about how you've been hurt, and see what they say; if it's happened to them too, chances are they aren't Users and will be there for you when you need them. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 As for your existing friends, you just need to learn boundaries. No, I won't give you a ride; I asked YOU for a ride last week and you couldn't be bothered, so I feel used when you keep asking for rides. And read this book, which is outstanding for learning how to set this right: The Dance Of Anger. Link to comment
skeeter99 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Do what you feel like doing. Personally after I've told someone over and over again how they've crossed or hurt me, and they still don't get it I just cut contact. So, it does mean not caring anymore. Having that "whatever" attitude and not letting your emotions or feelings be dictated by people's response or lack of response towards you. Does that sound about right? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think it's about adjusting expectations, not taking the drastic and unrealistic (IMO) step of no expectations. For example. I expect friends to be reasonably reliable, to show interest in my life, to be supportive whenever possible -all things that I give/do in return. Here's an example of where my expectations were different than many of my women friends. When my women friends were in serious relationships I did not expect to be a priority when it came to time with their SO -so, I avoided calling when I knew the SO might be there (and still do) and didn't expect them to be free on "date nights" to hang out with me one on one. I remember when I was dating my now husband seriously a friend told me that she had an extra spot at a restaurant for a Saturday night (it was a hard to get reservation) and she asked if I wanted to join her and her friends - without my SO (who she does like). I thanked her but said that I wouldn't feel right spending a Saturday night without my SO just to go to a restaurant -that we should make plans to see each other another time. I was surprised that she was surprised. Link to comment
skeeter99 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 You're right about setting boundaries. With a few friends, I tend to be the Giver. When I play that role (the Giver) I do tend to get hurt more. I have other friends where the roles are reversed, and they are the more Giving type. When it's like that, I don't get hurt. I do need to learn to be less passive aggressive. It's hard for me to confront friends who have hurt me. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I'm a giver and I'll probably never change. I get hurt more, yes....but it beats being an emotional shut in. Link to comment
Melting Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I have always been the giver in my friendships, family, relationships and I get hurt over and over. But it is whom I am as person and I would not want to change it for the world, even though it hurts so much at times. One day I just hope to meet another like me in my world. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 After having friends that were all take and no give, I strongly believe setting boundaries is very important. Give only what you feel absolutely comfortable with. It took me a long time to get to this point. So now if a friend calls sobbing she's being kicked out of her roomie situation for the umpteenth time - I'll offer to keep her kids overnight, but not let her personally move in, for example. I've learned the hard way that she seems incapable of NOT taking advantage of the situation when I've allowed that. I'll offer extra dry goods if her roommates ate her out of house and home - but I won't give her money. She has definite problems saying no to people, so if I gave money, it could go for anything BUT food and leave her in the same position. Part of the problem with being too giving and permissive is whoever you're giving to - just isn't learning how to deal with situations and take without draining their friends - which ultimately doesn't help them either. Consider it "semi-tough love!" If it's emotional support you're giving and not getting, same thing - mentally set your boundaries out. "I can hang out with him and be a good listener for an hour, but then I need to do my studying/washing/relaxing." So tell them upfront "sure, we can hang out for a bit - but I have stuff I need to do in a couple of hours, I'll have to leave then." Some examples of being "semi-tough" might be: I don't mind giving you a lift to work this week, but I'll need some help with the gas, fair enough? Sure, you can stay for a couple of days - that will give you time to make other arrangements, you can use my phone if need be. No, I can't have poker night at my place this week - I'll take the one for next Saturday though. Remember - saying "no" doesn't mean you don't care, and isn't unfair - you're not owe anyone favors, help, or anything else or they wouldn't be favors. Link to comment
skeeter99 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I'm a giver and I'll probably never change. I get hurt more, yes....but it beats being an emotional shut in. The funny thing is, I've since become more the sensitive and giving type (within the last 2 years or so). And it has made me more emotionally available for my friends and has made me develop deeper friendships. The thing is, I have gotten more hurt as a result of it. For example, I gave a lot to a friend and I thought we had gotten so close. Almost to a best friend level but I found out, through her actions and her almost lack of thoughtfulness and sensitivity towards me, that in her eyes, we are just good friends and not the super close friends that I wrongly presumed. So now, I'm being more distant and I'm not going to care as much if she wants to hang out with me or not. Whatever. If she initiates contact fine, if she doesn't fine. I'm not going to hold my breathe anymore for some people. Meaning, I won't be waiting and wondering why some people don't call to hang out, etc etc... Because it might just mean that they're having issues or have other things going on, or whatever it may be. And it's not necessarily about me. But I've somehow trained myself to believe that what they are doing or not doing is a reflection on my friendship with them. Sorry to ramble. I just need to correct some bad habits that I've made. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I have always been the giver in my friendships, family, relationships and I get hurt over and over. But it is whom I am as person and I would not want to change it for the world, even though it hurts so much at times. One day I just hope to meet another like me in my world.That won't happen until you can learn to say NO. Read The Dance Of Anger. Seriously. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I about had a cow today. DD21's roommate doesn't have a car. She usually takes a bus to her college (different college from DD21's) and to her work. But today she was really sick, and asked DD21 (as the only roommate out of the four who has a car) to take her to the clinic. She did, of course. But then her roommate said she'd get a ride home from someone else. And DD21 agreed! And left her there! She's come a long way from the Giver who did everything for everyone. If SHE can learn it, you guys can. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 skeeter, I think you're moving beyond just the Giver/Taker issue and that's awesome! You're starting to realize WHY you do it, and that you don't have to, to be a worthwhile person! Good for you! Link to comment
skeeter99 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 skeeter, I think you're moving beyond just the Giver/Taker issue and that's awesome! You're starting to realize WHY you do it, and that you don't have to, to be a worthwhile person! Good for you! Thanks. Maybe I have made some progress. I have to keep reminding myself and saying these things over and over in my head..... "don't expect anything" and "don't assume anything" and "whatever" and "it doesn't matter". The voices in my head. hehe Link to comment
turnera Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Fake it til you make it. Link to comment
pecanlove77 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Life would be perfect if we didn't have any expectations for any one to live up to. I would get angry at someone I cared about thru e-mails and she cut contact with me. Link to comment
skeeter99 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 I've started distancing myself more and have noticed that the friend is making more of an effort. I'm still going to continue to not rely on her actions or anyone's actions to make me happy. If she or any friend contacts me, then fine, if not fine. Link to comment
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