Springs Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I've had a long drawn out two month break up. It's been gut wrenchingly painful and I've been broken down to nothing from it. I finally decided to find myself, think about what I need and end this torture. My ex has been contacting me for the past 3 weeks or so, being very friendly and affectionate. He has been texting every day, nice messages. We met 2 weeks ago for dinner and I thought we were going to get back together. It was so wonderful and it brought all the feelings of love and belonging back. But since then, I cannot ask when we are meeting again or I get shouted at. I can't ring him, even though he texts lovely messages. I can't ask what is going on with us, because I need to know..and it's not fair to leave me hanging on..then I was being ignored and felt so crap over and over again. Then he would turn around and start treating me like he loves me again. I've been walking on eggshells, feeling so low, feeling so unworthy, feeling so guilty, so punished, so controlled. I called him tonight and said I need an answer, and if he won't give it to me then I have made a decision. It's me over him. I have a life too, and there are two of us in this. I asked him why he kept texting me like everything is ok, and does he really see us getting back together. He just said 'because I miss you'. He's been using me because he's lonely but doesn't really have any intention of us getting together again. He cried and said he is sorry and he loves me so much but it's not enough because the problems we had are unfixable. (Only because he won't change). I know he's right. I moved to this country for him. I told him I'm moving home when I get a job there and not to contact me again. That I should have had this closure two months ago. I told him I love him so much, thanked him for the best years of my life, and wished him all the best in everything he does. And left with my head held high. I knew it had to be over at some stage, even though I was racked with this empty hope. I need to accept it now and move on. It's going to be so hard. I regret that we ended up this way. But maybe this is just how it needs to be. I know it is. It just doesn't make it any easier. How do I learn to truly accept this for what it is and move on Link to comment
Springs Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 All I need is someone to say I'll be happy again Link to comment
Melting Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 What your ex did was a mere act of selfishness and I feel for you. He built your hopes up and then shat all over you. It will take time, but you will be happy again. I guess all you can say to yourself is deep down do you really want a man who treated you like this? I am going through the same thing, mine throws me a bread crumb now and then. I am struggling to be strong and hope that time passes soon so I can get out of this phase. All you can do now is remain in NC, it truly is the best healer. Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You will be happy again. Really! It is going to take time. Please block all avenues for him to contact you. I think what he is doing is so unfair to you. Do NOT let yourself be available to him in any way. Yours is doing the slow fade on you. This happened to me too... long and drawn out. It is very painful. I think you did a fabulous job in your last message to him, you were clear in your message and had lots of dignity. I have learned so much from this forum and its been like a best friend to me lately. Take good care of yourself and just allow yourself to heal. No magic formulas, just time. Big hug!!!! Link to comment
Springs Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Thank you for your posts guys. It helps so much being on here with people who understand this pain and who seem like they really care. In some ways I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my (sizeable..his loss) chest At least now, I know Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Springs, You handled it magnificently and walked away with much self-respect and dignity. I'm sure you'll be ok Link to comment
AvonRepus Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Of course you will be happy again. Do you really think even for a second that there's another way around? No contact.Strictly no contact. Things get better, oh so fast. I moved overseas for my husband,followed his skinny butt all over the continents and it was so darn hard to picture my life somewhere else without him. Well 4 or 5 months since the BU ( I don't even care how long),maybe over a month NC (blocked the crap out of him ) and I finally live for the future.Not for the past. No contact is the best thing that happened to me. That and him screwing all the time. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 The no contact thing...I feel that if he contacted me just to say he hopes I'm ok or something like that, that I would feel bad if I didn't respond in case that hurt him. How crazy is that? After all the unanswered phonecalls and texts and emails I've sent him, all the heart wrenching pain I told him I was feeling and he just blocked me out. So cruel. So cold and heartless, but yet I still wouldn't want him to be sad. My mother says it's because I have a good heart, but I need to think of me. I suppose she's right.. Link to comment
AvonRepus Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Don't feel bad about that,well you can but later on -when you are ready to unleash the anger. I can relate to your story. I was always there for my husband but it was never the other way around. He knew he can turn to me and I will be there-supportive and ready to help him out. It is weird -when I actually had the chance to hurt him -I didn't. I pictured his teary face and that broke my heart all over again. Who knew I am a softee,none of my friends that's for sure... Link to comment
lemsip Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Listen to Avon, NC truly will help. I wish I could do full NC forever but I can't cos we have a house to sell. As ridiculous as it sounds, you have an amazing gift in the form of NC. You can't see it now, but give it one full month and you'll see. Then after 3 full months you won't believe the difference in how you feel. You're a great girl. Remember that. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 I made it through today at work. Now I'm home I just feel so empty and hopeless. I can't believe it's over. My mind is playing images and memories of our happiest times over and over again. The affection, the joy, the trust, the tenderness, the love. It hurts me so much that this didn't work out. This time last year I was so excited to be starting a new chapter in my life with him. Moving to a new country to start a life together. We didn't even make it a year here together. If only I could talk to that girl and warn her of what was ahead..would I have done it or ended it then. It feels like physical pain to think I will never see him again and that he is no longer part of my life. I know I need to think of the bad parts, the cruelty of his treatment in the break up, his selfishness, his not meeting my needs. But all I can think about are his arms around me cuddling and being so in love and so happy beyond words. How will I ever heal from this? I am so heartbroken Link to comment
Mishmon Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Dear i have gone through the same!! 2 months of i miss you... nothing love you .... nothing .... i absolutely know how you feel. Week ago he was still doing the same. Yes you will be happy again! And so will I! I have no idea how to advice you since we are in the "same" * * * * ..... i just hope i never ever again get any of those "lovely" toxic messages ever again. As someone's sig on this forum say "In a life of little significance something insignificant can seem very significant" spare me the insignificant small talks please, give me no hopes unless you are hoping for very same, and ask me no questions before you ask yourself the very same. Got bit carried away here sorry.... but those are things you could tell if it happens again. And ofc finally, NC for the time being. Wish you fast recovery Link to comment
Springs Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Thanks mishmon, I'm sorry you went through this too. I suppose the consolation is that that person you thought loved you so much has treated you like crap..I need to hang on to that thought but all I can think about right now is just how much he means to me and what we had. But it's over now and time to move on.. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I hate this time of the evening so much. Just when I get home from work and when I would usually have showered, got ready for him coming to visit and cook a nice meal. Now I just don't care. It is so empty and lonely. This pain in so sore I just can't accept that it's actually over...I keep thinking it will all work out some day and he will realise he is making a mistake. I'm so stupid and just lying to myself and I know it won't help me to think that way. But the no contact ever...never...forever...is killing me. How can this person who I loved so much and loved me so much just be gone out of my life like everything never happened..I want him to contact me so much, but I know it would only set me back. I feel so lonely. I wonder if he is missing me and feeling the same. I'd love to know how he feels..why can't I stop this torture Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Oh Springs, I hear how much you are hurting. It will get better. I felt the same way and it is better now. Just take it a day at a time. I know its hard to come home to an empty house. Do you have a pet? Even a small cat can help so much.... Try, as hard as it is to make a nice meal for yourself. Find some good books you can cuddle up with. Hey- a good book and a cat or dog??? It will get better, you just have to get there and the getting there sucks big time... I finally feel like smiling today and my life doesnt seem as shattered as it did a month ago, the healing is increasing now exponentially. In the end, it doesnt matter what he thinks or feels. He is gone, harsh but true. What only matters is YOU now.... be good to yourself. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Bluerose thank you so much. I am really trying hard but I haven't even made it to 48 hours no contact yet and it is killing me. I know the only way is up, it has to be. I have a cat to cuddle with and I'm going to finish off reading 'the help' and then book myself some flights home. I have such a long road of hard decisions in front of me..do I stay here where I moved to because of him or do I go home? There are more opportunities for my career here, and home is a small town where most of my friends have moved away from. I know noone can make that decision for me, but I'm ashamed to stay that a large part of me truly wants to stay here, because as long as I'm here..he knows where to find me and we have more of a chance than if I am not even in the same country. I'm having such a hard time ACCEPTING this. Its over. I know this. Why can't I ACCEPT it!! Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 The 'Help' was a good book! Just remember you are in shock still. It is a major life change, and it is going to take some time to get used to the idea. I would wait to make big decisions right now, just cuddle with the cat, read and just chill. I think what to do will become clearer with time. You will accept it in time. I am truly beginning too, though I didnt think I would. Moreover, I am starting to see that it may be for the best. Link to comment
oO pd Oo Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I remember that pain. I'm so sorry! Acknowledge that it hurts right now and its going to hurt for awhile. Forgive yourself for hurting. Acknowledge that you will be happy again. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I remember that pain. I'm so sorry! Acknowledge that it hurts right now and its going to hurt for awhile. Forgive yourself for hurting. Acknowledge that you will be happy again. I think this is why enotalone is so helpful. Just the acknowledgement of the pain and grieving and the difficulty of this experience. Everyone else in my life is supportive, but in some ways I do feel they just think 'oh, get over it'. I have tried to refrain from loading all my grief onto friends and family and bringing everyone else down, so I tend to put on a brave face and pretend I'm ok. But I'm not ok. Every minute hurts. Every thought I have is related to him. He is in my mind all day every day. Thank you for all the support here... You know the scene in sex and the city 2 where Miranda and Charlotte get drunk talking about how hard having kids is, well I feel like saying CHEERS, HERE'S TO THE PEOPLE WITHOUT ENOTALONE...HOW DO THEY DO IT!!!??? Much love guys x Link to comment
indigoblue Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 You'll be happy of course. Do you want to dwell in your unhappiness? You don't have to move on... but eventually you want to make yourself happy. Link to comment
Mishmon Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Even a small cat can help so much.... Try, as hard as it is to make a nice meal for yourself. Find some good books you can cuddle up with. Hey- a good book and a cat or dog??? Springs i've been wondering how have you been, you know, you have no choice, you will feel better. You can do little things to make it happen sooner, and as BR66 said, small cat can help so much, big cat however, can do miracles! I strongly support pet thing many times i've said to myself, this cat stopped me from killing myself (even tho i never would) Helping books are good, but from my experience they keep mind focused on issue that drains life out of us in time's like this. They keep telling us what to do and what not to do and it really prevents (me) from taking things in my own hands. So i'd suggest that you mix something "off topic" and something in your daily activities that doesn't require any mental or emotional effort whatsoever. I'm reading calvin and hobbes, it's keeping me from losing my mind. Be safe ~ Link to comment
Springs Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you mishmon. I've decided I'm going to start doing a cookery class and join a gym for evening exercise classes. To be honest, it's the last thing I want to do. I just want to come home from work and curl up in bed but what good will that do. I've just arranged a few different weekend plans for the next couple of months. I'm glad now that I can do that without thinking I have to keep all my weekends free and empty in case he decides he wants to see me..god, i was so stupid. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Today was harder. Day 3 no contact. I miss him so much, my heart aches for us and everything we were. I'm plagued by all the happiest memories of us together, things we did, places we went, just little names we had for each other, things only he and I know. I know it does no good to think this way. I know people must think oh just get over it already, but it helps so much to write it here. And it stops me from sending this very thing to him in a text or email.. I cried on the bus on the way home. An elderly couple were sitting beside each other and both had walking sticks and a little doddery on their feet. The man struggled to stand up, then reached his hand out to his wife and helped her up too. He never let her hand go...I just felt the tears sting in my eyes. I was sure that would be him an I. I am so stupid and such a sorry mess. I hate this feeling so much. Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Hi Springs, How are you dear? I have had a hard day. It is like I am just so out of my body. Thoughts of the ex are constant. I am so thankful for ENA too... I have 2 cats and 2 dogs. The dogs must be cared for and walked everyday. I just got back from a nice walk around the yellowing cottonwoods along the Rio Grande where I live. It was beautiful. I am glad you have a cat, big or smal. LOL Mishmon!!! I read a great book called "The Thirteenth Tale" its perfect for these Fall nights. Hope you are doing OK. It doesnt matter what people think, and I hear it usually takes up to 18 months to get over a significant relationship. My daughter is mad at me that I keep talking about it over and over. I told her I'm sorry but it is where I am at. Let see how she does if and when her and her man break up!! What is your cookery class focused on? I myself love to cook and have taken a few professional cooking classes. I loved them, but gained some wieght when I did. I took pacific rim and seafood along with California cuisine, yummy. Link to comment
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