My Ex and I got back together but he just couldn't seem to commit

[Jiminey]

My ex and I got back together, well sort of, we hadn't seen each other for two months and I was heart-broken, after spending an evening together we started seeing each other, however, he was always busy with work, he works most days of the week and his work is physically demanding. We were in touch regularly, he said he loved me but needed time, and asked that I be patient as if he wanted to get back together then it was going to be for the long haul and he had to think carefully that it was the right thing. We carried on seeing each other and he would call me and take my calls, was always extremely sweet and supportive and said he loved me. We then started seeing each other a bit more regularly and he would make the effort to call me at work in the day, just to have a chat. Then he would come round, and then ask to see me the next day or the day after. He was always loving and affectionate. The problem was that firstly he never asked me out again, and secondly, quite often cancelled plans, whether it was down to having to work, or his car breaking down on the way to my house, or being tired after work, I told him that this was causing me a lot of upset as I wanted to be able to see him and rely on him. He came to my birthday party and met all my friends and family, he bought me flowers, champagne, cake, candles, presents - and was lovely and sweet. Then he just became a bit flakey again. He would always text me or call me but less calls, and didn't ask to see me as much. I got to the point where I was saying that I was just feeling let down, and I didn't understand why we weren't girlfriend and boyfriend to which he said that he wanted to ask me face to face. That he loved me and didn't want to lose me. He said that because his ex girlfriend cheated on him after he had invested so much in the relationship, he thought that maybe he had a bit of a problem committing because on some level he was scared that it would happen again, although he knew that I would never do that to him. I got to the end of my tether as whenever I broached the subject, he suddenly didn't respond as much, and didn't take my call, one minute after I got a text from him. I said that if he was going to ignore me then we should call it a day. I was so upset and said not to contact me again unless he had something different to offer. Now I don't hear from him. I apologised for being upset and saying what I did. Now he just ignores me if I text him or call him. I still love him and we both believed there was a future, and wanted to be together - but I just don't get it, and don't know if he still loves me or has decided that he can't really commit so is just leaving what we had behind. So upset, but I guess I shouldn't contact him. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[tattoobunnie]

I'm sorry to hear that he's stringing you along. Never rely on love alone...If you really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have let you go the first time around.

 

I've been in your shoes before, and it stretched out for six months. And after I finally gave up, I had so much fun going out and doing absolutely whatever I wanted, then met an awesome guy another five months after that, and now we're getting married this December.

 

Anyway, he keeps telling you he wants to take it slow, yet you keep wanting to act like your boyfriend. He directly tells you to your face that he invested so much in his ex, so he's gonna give you nothing but scraps...if I were you, I'd run, and keep running. Cuz in this instance, there are only two scenarios, ONE, even if you were Mother Teresa, or heaven sent, he'd still wouldn't know what to do with you. And TWO, you bend over backwards and do everything for you, yet it's still not working out...he's not the right guy. And you know it. It's hard. I just know you deserve better.

[michla]

Me thinks he's got something (someone) else going on in the background and he's trying to juggle both. HUGE mistake.

[Jiminey]

Thank you. Good point, he does love me, has never ever said he doesn't know how he feels about me. But yes, you're right, he let me go, although I did finish with him, twice, as he just wasn't making the effort to see me. I am heartened by your story, and happy you managed to move on and then met someone really special. I thought that he was the one for me, we get on so well, I love him, he is a lovely, sweet guy, but because of his "baggage" he can't see me too much, apparently, as he is scared of getting hurt. I've told him what you said about his ex, that I am paying the price. I don't know what to do, I do think he is right though, but I know I have to move on.

[Jiminey]

Yes I did wonder about this - but when we are together, he says how much he wants a child with me - and would he say that if he was with someone else? Also, he lives at home with his mum and dad, that's not to say he doesn't have a girlfriend, quite possibly he does. But, he says he doesn't and I do believe him cos everything adds up, I've never found him out, he's never lied about anything as far as I know.

[tattoobunnie]

If you want a relationship-willing and ready partner, don't settle for anything less than that, or you will always get less. You know what you need to do. Sometimes you get so caught up in the idea of wanting something so badly, you really lose track of what is really going on. You're fighting for a relationship, where you're the only one fighting for it. You didn't finish with him twice, because you still allowed him to crawl back in. I want you instead to try picturing a guy that gives you what you need. I'm sure you have tons in common, love each other, but always remember, there is someone out there who will give you that and so much more. Have faith in yourself. Cuz the moment you forget your self-worth, is the moment you begin to lose you, yourself. You know, I've met men, my brother especially, who have lost their wife to suicide, and are still able to love again, marry, create a future, and do not take it out on their spouse or partner.

 

And I know what you're thinking...if only you could just hold on till he gets over her, if only you could just make him see how great you are, if only you say the right things, and walk on egg shells for months on end, it'll all work out...JUST WHERE IS THE PART ABOUT YOU, YOUR NEEDS in all of this?

 

For one day, just let go, no calls, no communication, no thinking about him...let it be a day of having a lot of fun, friends, family, something you've never done before...never cut yourself short.

[learning2relax]

I remember when I came on to ENA at first...thinking that my situation was so different than any one else's. And here I am almost 2 years later and my perspective is how incredibly similar the patterns are......When I started reading your post, the question arose......was he hurt badly by one that he loved before you....reading on, yes! That is exactly what happened. If you look, you will find the most similar stories. There are patterns of behavior for different circumstances. You can't recognize them when you are in the thick of it, so to speak. But they are there. It is really wild to see this all so clearly now. Not that it is always clear and always identical but there are patterns that you can pick up.

 

Your situation......yes he loves you. Yes he wants to be with you. However, the timing is off for the relationship. He has to learn to trust. Unfortunately, he has to find himself in a situation that he desires to come to that realization. It sounds as if he found himself in that situation with you. His past is haunting him. And as much as he feels he is past that relationship, he can only face the residual affects it had on him when he is faced with the fear that were established as a result. He doesn't even realize that they are there until he encounters them. And fear, is very very very powerful. Sounds like he was incredibly hurt by this other woman. He may have even considered never falling in love again (don't we all utter those words when completely devastated?). And then he met you.

 

There is nothing that you can do. He has to chose whether or not he wants to face his fears. Whether or not he wants to push through them. You cannot convince him or motivate him to do this. Fear is on the inside and has the priority position over you. This is only something the can decide for himself. He can do a few things in the long run.....1. Face his fear (eventually and when he has the courage to do so) and move past it to realize the relationship you both have together, or 2. Enter into a relationship where he doesn't have to invest, doesn't fall as deeply in love (feels safe but yet unfulfilling), or 3. Chose to avoid relationships all together as the fear has the best of him and his ego is forever his shield (isn't really his true self).

 

What can you do? Not wait. This can take eons depending on him and the degree of which he is dealing with his daemons, and his ability and commitment to fight them. Everyone is different. There is no timetable for these things. People quote them but they are silly. Every person is different and a product of their environment and experiences. So there is no way to know if and when it will ever happen. So you have to move on. The best you can do is to leave him completely alone. This gives him the best possible opportunity (not that he has to take it mind you) to realize what he had and what he is giving up. That he is letting his daemons win. That he is letting her win. If you stay in touch, if you keep trying, you are only enforcing his defenses. He will only stay that much more committed to staying away and ignoring. His ego has taken hold and will defend at all costs.

 

You and he simply came to the relationship from two different places and when you got far enough down the path, he realized that he wasn't equipped for whatever reason and wants to turn back. You want to move forward. It is where you are at. Just recognize that you can't control. You can't change and you can't convince. The more you try, the more you are hurting not only the best possible outcome (whether or not this includes reconciliation) and yourself by prolonging moving through the process and getting to acceptance so that you are back to who you were once (when you met him) and open to any and all possibilities for yourself.

[gluestick]

I'm sorry to hear that he's stringing you along. Never rely on love alone...If you really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have let you go the first time around.

 

Is this true for all men/women? If you really love someone, you'd fight for the relationship until the end and never give up? I think sometimes it takes time apart for people to really experience the loss of living w/o their SO to truly realize what they've given up and the depth of love they felt.

[learning2relax]

Is this true for all men/women? If you really love someone, you'd fight for the relationship until the end and never give up? I think sometimes it takes time apart for people to really experience the loss of living w/o their SO to truly realize what they've given up and the depth of love they felt.

 

Yes it is. Just as we tend to treat the ones we love the most the worst because we feel secure in doing so.....you get too close. You become to familiar. You lose sight of exactly what you had and have to get away from it and past the pain, allow the emotions to subside in order to understand any of it. At that point you might see it for what it was and realize that it wouldn't work regardless. It may also teach you how to do better in the future at being a better human and treating those that we hold dearest to us better.

 

It not only works for men and women but for the "dumper" as well as the "dumpee." And they are not always on the same page with their conclusions in the end. Only time and healing will tell. Best......

[Jiminey]

I tend to agree with you - it is complicated. I know that he loves me and is always thinking about me. When we split up the first time, it was because he felt it was all too much too quickly, but he himself couldn't help himself either, but after two months, he felt too much pressure, as he wanted to slow down and I ended up pushing him away as he recoiled from the relationship. However, he never not contacted me when I got in touch, we both missed each other and he said that he never stopped loving me. He has never said he doesn't know how he feels, or that he is confused, he maintains that he has deep feelings for me - we talked a lot about having a baby, chose a name, he said he would love me to have our baby and that he would move in. We were really kind to each other, we didn't treat each other badly, he was tender, loving, sweet, supportive and cared about me and always said so. The problem is with his previous relationship. He was in a 9 year relationship and stayed in it even though there seemed to be little love from her - she cheated on him and they didn't sleep together for the last 5 years. So he is hurt and he said that he had realised that only recently, that psychologically he couldn't commit as he was scared of getting hurt even though he knew rationally that I wouldn't do that to him. But now, he is completely ignoring me. I told him not to contact me again in a fit of frustration, and he is holding me to my word. I feel that he is angry and annoyed with me, because I have persistently asked him about where we are in our relationship and saying that I want to see him more (I see him about one evening a week). I know it would be easy to say that he's just not that serious, or that it's not meant to be, but I know how much he cares and loves me and he says that I am the one and that he does see a future. How do I move on, should I just not contact him for a while? It's upsetting me so much as I love him so much and think the world of him.

[Jiminey]

Thank you so much for your post. It is true I think, I can't think of any other explanation, he has never said that he doesn't know how he feels, he says that he loves me and we talked a lot about having a baby, him saying that he thought that I would be a great mother, and we would be great parents together, so he was not just stringing me along, he was serious. But yes I think that his past has scarred him. He was in a 9 yr relationship but only the first year was good. He invested so much in this relationship, which was his first. He proposed to her twice, and she cheated on him for most of it, he bought her a car, let her spend on his credit cards and as a result I discovered that he was in massive debts because of her, which I was trying to help him to address. He hasn't had a serious relationship since, I am his third girlfriend. So, if he loves me and texts and calls me all the time to see how I am and talk to me about my day and his, then I can only think that he can't properly commit because of his past. I just hope that he realises that what we had was so good and special that he doesn't want to throw this away. He hasn't been in touch since Sunday, and then only monosyllabic, I get the sense he is angry, and pushing me away as I did him. I just don't know what to think or whether to hope. It's so painful as I have lost my dearest friend and love of my life. But I take on board what you say about not being able to control or convince and I will try and get on with my life.

[tattoobunnie]

So, while he knocks you up, he still does not ever have to commit to you. So, when the going gets tough, he can just run off too, and leave you in the dust. A baby does not make a relationship work. He tells you you'd be a great mother, yet not great as his wife? Come on.

 

Too bad you didn't push him away and kept on running like you're dodging a bullet. He can love you, you can love him, but is he next to you? Is he sharing a home with you? Is he committing to you?

 

No.

 

Focus on a person's actions. Not their words. I have my exes think about me all the time, but it doesn't mean we would ever work.

 

You're relationship was broken for a reason. If you want a solid relationship, help yourself. All those incidents that his ex did...so what!!! I've heard of crazy things both men and women have done to eachother, and they are able to love, marry, commit again.

 

He's not angry because you pushed him away...you just gave him a get out of jail free card, and he's doing as he did before, whatever he wants. It's hard to see it now, but this guy is a chump.

[Jiminey]

I know you are right in what you say - but I cannot help but feel that he loved me more than anything, he was head over heels in love, we both were, so if something has gone wrong, then is it really as simple as to say that he is happy i gave him a get out of jail free card? Maybe he is cut up over his ex, maybe he can't commit and he's scared. I don't know, this felt different and I know that he is really upset now too.