ClarenceRutherford Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 it happened saturday night...he called on tuesday...several times...wanted to see me...or at least that's what he said... How did he act? Supportive? Your losing your virginity was a big thing in your life. Does he seem understanding? It's good he called. Many guys (unfortunately) don't. Am hoping he's not some player, though I doubt he was a virgin before you. Is he of similar age? I feel like a stupid, silly little girl asking advice about this...I'm sorry for bothering you No bother. If he seems like a good guy to date in other areas (leave out the sex now), could you not date him regularly? If you're feeling uncomfortable about getting too sexual too soon (which is what I think the heart of this may be about), then cool the sex and proceed like real couples do in dating -- focusing on the relationship over the sexual. Sex can wait. You want someone that truly cares for you. Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 He's older than me...he wasn't a virgin...I don't know, he asked me what I was doing, how I was feeling, wanted to see me...the thing is we went out several times but we sort of agreed our relationship wasn't the best of ideas so saturday night came like a punch in the face...I guess I'll see him tomorrow and talk...I can't avoid him forever,right? Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 He's older than me...he wasn't a virgin...I don't know, he asked me what I was doing, how I was feeling, wanted to see me...the thing is we went out several times but we sort of agreed our relationship wasn't the best of ideas so saturday night came like a punch in the face...I guess I'll see him tomorrow and talk...I can't avoid him forever,right? Okay. Seems like he cares. That's good. You know what you're doing here, so you be the one to judge your relationship's future. Originally Posted by Callalily I feel like a stupid, silly little girl asking advice about this...I'm sorry for bothering you Don't feel bad for asking. You're likely a little naive on relationships. That's okay. When I said "Good Girl," I didn't mean that in a perjorative or intimidating way. Myself, I wanted to date and marry (and found) a Good Girl. "Good Girl" doesn't necessarily equal "virgin," just one who acts reponsiblity in dating and sex, which it sounds like the way you act. Good Girls make mistakes, too, just like us "Good Guys," which I consider myself, though describing that casual sex incident I had @25 may shatter the Good Guy image some may have of me on this board... Believe me, I wouldn't have done what I did and certainly wouldn't have just got up and walked away after completion..... EDITED THIS INTO THE RECENT POST, BUT RELOCATING IT HERE: Here I had sex early.... but knew little about women and was a dud at dating for most of my 20s.... Am thinking that HS sex messed me up and made me scared of women... though I'm not an unattractive guy, or so women tell me... (even in my 40s).. Didn't really learn what I needed about how to sexually please a woman until recently after reading some Christian and secular books on marital sex improvement. Was a "5 Min. Man" Didn't know anything about giving a woman OS until one suggested it @25.... the thought never occurred though of course as a man, I had sexual desires and lusts... Then ask me about anatomical names of vagina parts (i.e. clitoris, labia)... I knew nothing of that until I did some reading... in my 40s... Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 When everybody else was studying Playboy and Penthouse, I was studying Gray's Anatomy, the medical reference section, and the Social Science section. Now you could say that our objective was the same - to see and study the anatomy of the opposite sex - but somehow I do believe I came out ahead on this one. For instance, that book on reconstructive surgery in the Community College library was particularly interesting, if for no other reason how it illustrated both the dangers of what could happen to one through the course of living, but also the miracles surgeons can accomplish. We may take these parts for granted, but for many, it's not that easy, and in some cases they may outright kill us [cancer]! That book completely reshaped how I viewed the implant trade, along with those procedures documenting the reconstruction of other rather sensitive areaas. My conclusion? Let's just Not be so hard on them in the first place! Anal is OUT!! Of course, this was no help when it came to casual dating or any of those issues, but at that age in high school I was projecting myself to be going to college, so I didn't feel any pressing need to be in a temporary high school relationship, my focus was on my studies. College, well, things just went. Let's just say, the more practical you try to be with these thngs, the harder it is to make them work out like you wish. So I finally had an opportunity to have sex when I was 25 and I took it. It was 2.5 years of rollercoaster followed by a rather painful breakup, but it is what it is. Look at the bright side: you're 5 years ahead of where I was, when I was 25! Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 I'm new in this type of things... Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Lonewing was it hard for you to care about another girl after the painful breakup? Link to comment
wiseoldwoman Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Callalily, I'm happy to hear he called you. This is all just my opinion, but it's based on quite a bit of experience. 1. The fact that he called you on Tuesday more than once means he's sincere. If he wanted to blow you off, but still try to pretend to be Mr. Nice Guy, he'd have left a message and not tried again. 2. The fact that he waited until Tuesday to call meant either he needed some time to get his head around things or realized you probably needed to. 3. From your description of the conversation, he sounds like a genuinely nice and caring guy. 4. You don't have to establish a relationship just because you had sex. If you'd truly come to the realization that you weren't meant for each other before this, it's probably best to stick to that. But if it was just typical butterflies about a new relationship, and he's as nice as he sounds, you might want to continue testing the waters - with or without followup sex, depending on both your preferences. 5. The most important thing I can recommend is to make sure you discuss this openly the very first time you see one another. Don't just quietly sweep it under the rug. Acknowledge it happened and that it confused you. Talk about how it made you feel, your reaction, etc. Let him do the same. If you do that, you'll never need to feel awkward about it again. 6. If the friendship doesn't turn into more, try hard to prevent it from becoming unfriendly. It will always be sweet to remember that you lost your virginity to a good guy that you have fond memories of, even it you don't remember much about the actual event. Good luck. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 No. It took me some time - 6 months, 9 months? before I knew I was free and clear of her menta baggage, but I emerged much stronger person. When my brother died - its a similar grief between death of a brother and the end of a relaitonship - I handled that with almost no issue whatsoever. Like I learned how to accept things I could not change through my breakup, and thus, it wasn't as horrific anymore. now my father, he's a different case, because he never learned how to move on from these sorts of events, so it's taken him years to get over these sorts of things. I do not believe I will get him back, either, from my brother's death. Like I said, you're five years ahead. If you end up spending 2.5 years with him, and it goes sour, and you lose another 1.5 years getting over him, you'll be 24, a full year younger than when I got started. Obviously we never go into anything expecting failure, because that's a self fulfilling prophecy, but it's not unrealistic to understand that it may end and it may end badly. Hiding from this inevitable pain, though, only prolongs the length of the process - and you may miss out on something incredible along the way. No promises one way or another - you'll just take it as it comes. I know I used to hold my ex and think to myself "how in the HECK did I get HERE holding this gorgeous woman?????" And I could not explain how it happened, but there I was! And so it was... Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 the thing is we have common friends and we would have seen each other again regardless of what happened saturday.I mean we would have talked even if he hadn't called today... Link to comment
Snowy Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I lost it just after I turned 15. She was 14. At that time, we both thought we were ready and we did enjoy it. OP, don't take the frustration out on yourself. You were drunk, so obviously you had no control of what you were doing. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm new in this type of things... You're not alone. Many of us didn't really start to seriously date until after college, in our mid-late 20s, me in my mid-20s. So you're not too late at this. A friend's son is turning 30 and he's likely a virgin, though I haven't asked about his sexual experience. He and they tell me he only had 1-2 sep. dates in his life, but is now dating this nice older woman.... He may have been a loner, but he's no loser in his career and seems a likeable fellow.... You could call that guy a late bloomer. Did get some of his dating experience out of him in conversation at friends' house once. Didn't want to ask about virginity, as was prying enough, so am assuming he's one. (It's easier to bring that kind of thing up here on these boards). Funny, as he seemed to be a shy guy who was unconfident when asking women out, yet he seems like he has his life together, etc. The older woman he's dating, she's divorced. They've been dating a year or so, so he seems to be handling himself well for a guy who hasn't really dated much. Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 some women like shy guys...I assume he's an intelligent and responsible man...he got his life sorted out...I guess it's easier to find the right person for you when you know who you are, what kind of person you are and what you want out of life...as long as he is happy with her,the divorce part shouldn't be an issue...although if they've been together for over a year I don't think he's still a virgin Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 some women like shy guys... Am assuming you consider yourself one of those type of women. Would have been great to have known more of them were out there when I was in my 20s.... A woman I knew in HS (not a GF) told me this the other day in a PM, after I told her I wished I'd done a lot of things differently when I was young(er). you were a shy, quiet to yourself guy, Tom was too to a point and everytime i said no he pursued it more I have so many regrets... If were to find myself single, things would be a lot different, that's for sure... Not sayin' I'd have sex with every woman I dated, but I wouldn't be so timid or scared about doing things.... We shy guys tend to get worried and think women aren't interested... so don't do a lot of approaching. So I do know what these older (late 20s, 30s) never-kissed or never-in-a-relationship guys are going through... (Have posted in many of their threads). Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I wasn't necessarely talking about myself...I'm shy too so I tend to go for more mature-confident types...it's weird...some while ago I thought only women/girls go through theese feelings...guys don't really show it Link to comment
GingerMinx Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Harsh as it is perhaps you have learned a lesson and won't drink to excess anymore. I respect the fact you seem to be taking responsibility for what happened and are not trying to cry rape for your lack of control. I wouldn't worry too much about having lost your virginity, its done, no point in regrets and after all, you still have the box it came in. I would, however, see a doctor about haivng some STD tests done. If you don't remember much of what happened then you may not have used protection. Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I was thinking about going to the doctor next week or the week after, just to be on the safe side....I know there's a risk for STDs and infections that can cause problems later in life Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I was thinking about going to the doctor next week or the week after, just to be on the safe side....I know there's a risk for STDs and infections that can cause problems later in life How sexually involved has he been? If he hasn't been really active, and has used condoms, could be okay, but I'm not an expert on this. I never had unprotected sex until marriage. Always used a condom. That's something a man/woman needs to talk about before getting sexually involved with another. The other needs to know what they're "buying." Getting tested is wise. When you see him next, do ask him about his experience to give you a better idea of what you're dealing with. Don't let him downplay it or fib. Request -- or if you have to, demand -- honesty. Get to know the other's past before you invest your emotions -- and body. Link to comment
Miss Kitty Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to find excuses, but I'm not an alcoholic.I'm the kind of kid that doesn't do stupid things, that has good grades and friends and does volunteer work. but apparently when I do screw up, I screw up big...I know it's a stupid question but with the morning after pill the chances of getting pregnant are close to 0, right? Yeah, very small chance if any. It's good that you don't normally drink that much. And don't worry, we all screw up big sometimes. You sound like you're a great kid. Don't let this get you down. You'll be alright. After I had sex the first time, I felt so guilty, but soon, you'll get over it and be feeling much better. Link to comment
Miss Kitty Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I guess nowadays if you tell someoneyou're 20 and a virgin the first impulse would be to laugh...not necessarely to believe you...I have friends who had sex at 13... Waaaaayyyyy too early. They're lucky they didn't get pregnant. I lost my virginity at 20 as well (well first consensual sex anyway). It is hard to trust after sexual abuse or near rape as you mentioned earlier and after a bad experience like this, but don't let go of the whole idea of sex altogether. Just wait and find the right guy first and it will be magical. Link to comment
Miss Kitty Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I have a friend that slept for the first time with a boy who didn't believe she was a virgin...when she blead he though she was having her period...nowadays losing your viginity at a tender age is in style... And they'll all regret it later. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing and try to follow in their footsteps. Be strong, take a stand (with any issue really) and do what's right, not what's popular and in the end they will envy YOU for not having all the regrets that they do. Link to comment
Miss Kitty Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 anyways...I'm not sure how to react towards te guy it happened with...I mean he called and was very casual and asked me out...but I just felt awkward...before everything happened...we kind of talekd about our relationship and how we shouldn't be together...and then this happened and...I don't know how to react... I ended up engaged to a guy after we had both agreed that we shouldn't be together. Out of curiosity, we did you both decide that? I think if you explain to him that you need a little bit of time to get your head straight and need some space until then, it would be good. You can still be friends, but let him know that you need some breathing room right now too. Link to comment
Miss Kitty Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I feel like a stupid, silly little girl asking advice about this...I'm sorry for bothering you No bother or else we wouldn't be on here. You aren't stupid of silly. You sound like a great girl. I find you rather likeable. Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 thank you for your support...I mean it...I do feel a whole lot better Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think if you explain to him that you need a little bit of time to get your head straight and need some space until then' date=' it would be good. You can still be friends, but let him know that you need some breathing room right now too.[/quote'] Solid advice from someone with some experience. Not that you plan to get sexually involved so soon again with someone (methinks this experience has scared you), but do try to focus on the relationship first and let sex come later. It's soooooooo much better with someone you love and trust, and know for certain will call you again... Again, speaking from experience.... That casual sex incident I linked to... I could have had a relationship with that woman but the her giving into me so soon turned me off.... Of course, I had responsibility there too and shouldn't have pressed her.... 'I was starving, though and wanted to get something before I got "too old.." Link to comment
Callalily Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 He got the idea...I guess now he's giving me time to breathe and react...I've also been busy with school and projects I'm working on so I didn't really have the time to think much about it or see him...he told me before saturday night that even though we can't be together he still wants us to be close friends, go out, tell our problems...but I'm the type of person that doesn't really share her problems...I burry myself in work or school or retreat from the world for a little while and the start over, fresh...he knows that Link to comment
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