I feel lost (very long post)

[Contrail]

Hello all,

 

I'm been thumbing my way through the pages of threads on here and had my nose in several books, and as of yet I haven't found the answer I'm looking for. I'm almost positive I know the answer but just dont want to accept it yet...

 

A bit of background to set the stage (I'll try to present this in a logical order, but it may just come out, sorry ):

 

We met via an online dating site (something we've kept a secret from our family and friends) shortly I had moved back home to start my job in Seattle and went on several dates and seemed to hit it off right away, but something just never clicked. Looking back I can remember telling on of my friends, "I have a great time with her and really enjoy her company, but I just dont feel that spark". At the time I remember thinking to myself that I'll just play this out for a few months and hope it turns into something. We dated for 3 or 4 months and ended up making it official. Things had been going well, but the spark never grew. At the time be both lived at our parents houses as neither of us could afford to live on our own. She was still finishing up her degree, and while in training for my carer I was being paid less than what I made as a pizza driver in college.

 

I loved her and she was an amazing friend and support system. The training for my career is one of the most intense and emotionally draining things you can imagine. She had/has been there with me for all of it, and I can honestly say I probably owe my career to her support and encouragement. That year was hard on us.

 

We've now lived together for almost two years and are just shy of our three year mark. We definitely enjoy each others company, and are more than comfortable around each other. Throughout our three years we've been to probably ten or so weddings and I can definitely tell she has the bug. She's made tons of comments about rings and even gone so far to send me pictures of ones she likes. Early on I made it clear that I wasn't interested in the thought till we both had our careers and lives set straight, which only now seems to maybe happening.

 

Beyond that there are things about her that annoy and irritate me beyond belief. Her apathy for a stable job really bugs me, although she just got handed a job, it could possibly in 8 months and shes back where she started with nothing. Believe me its not the money aspect, I make more than enough to support us in whatever we want to do, but its the fact that she isn't driven to better herself or improve upon what she has learned that irks me. When she reaches something difficult in her life, she either gives up or runs to me and wants me to solve her problems for her.

 

Which brings me to my next issue, she isn't curious in life. I'm a nerd and a geek, I wont lie, and want to learn everything about anything. I constantly have the news on and am following the latest politics. I'm a huge history buff, and generally just like to learn new things. She couldnt be more different. Her tv viewing consists of reality shows ellen, and the last book I saw her read was a romance novel. I have no problem with watching or reading that stuff every now and then, but this is all she reads watches. She honestly seems clueless about the world and I am constantly explaining fairly simple concepts to her.

 

A social life for me is really hard to keep going with shift work, but I mange as best I can. Most of the time it requires some late night outings on the weekends with friends. But she always (I hate to say that but it really is always) is tried between 8 and 9 pm and is in bed. Going out on the weekend with my GF is virtually impossible.

 

So if you're still with me (im sorry there's just a ton on my mind), I'd like advice on what to do. I'm getting immense pressure from family and friends and her to put a ring on it. But my gut and my head keep telling me no, we have a ton of unresolved issues to work out. We've been dealing with the issues I outlined (and more I just didnt want to keep writing) since we moved in. We usually will work it out, and agree to work on it. A couple months later it seems some issue bubbles back up we have a fight and we work it out again.

 

I guess what I boils down to is that from the very beginning I never felt that spark and I keep waiting to fall madly in love with the girl next to me and I just dont feel it happening. I've been to the weddings and see the look in their eyes, and cant help but think why I dont feel that way about my gf of three years.

 

I look at my friends and their relationships/marriages, and my issues seems small in comparison, are they? Part of me thinks I should end it and move on, but part of me also thinks I'm blowing this way out of whack.

[fromnywithlove]

Hello!

 

Your issues are not small in comparison. In fact, I see them as quite a big issue. In some ways, I felt the same about my ex. He lacks that drive that I do. He says he wanted more in life, but here we are, almost a year later and he has not moved out of the mountains (like he said he would), he has not saved up money (like he said he would), he has not grown his business (like he said he would). For him, time stood still while I graduate school, got a great job, got a raise at said job and am on my way towards getting my Master's.

 

The issues you and your girlfriend are having are fundamental compatibility issues and trust me, they will not go away. She will not wake up one day and realize that she wants more out of life, just like you will not wake up one day and realize you want less. We are the way we are, and past a certain point in life we are not malleable anymore. We cannot change. If you don't feel the spark, the spark will never be there. That spark is usually something you feel first and it will slowly wane over the years- it doesn't happen the other way around.

 

I think the honorable thing to do is to be honest with yourself, and this post is a step in the right direction. It is not fair to you to be so unhappy and it is not fair to her to think that everything is okay. You two just aren't compatible but you gave it the 'ole college try. There will be a man out there who loves her quirks and loves her for who she is... you, unfortunately, are not that man.

[InvisibleWound]

To me it sounds like there are a lot of issues and things about her that annoy you. It is not fair for you to keep this relationship going if you believe you may never feel that spark for her, it is not fair to her.

 

You need to talk to her about everything that is bothering you but in a nice way. Maybe if things really worked out then maybe that spark would come. It is not something that you can beat around the bush about though, the longer you are together for some people it becomes harder to leave/end the relationship.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, living together for well over 4 years... Our relationship has a lot of great things about it but there also is annoyances and stuff.Theres things I do that annoy him and things he does that annoy me. We have the spark though and we love each other. I know it is hard and difficult I have considered breaking up with my boyfriend in the past because he didn't help clean for a while. But now he cleans from time to time and if he slacks I just ask for help. I am not sure what else to really add here...

 

I do think you should probably end this relationship if things don't change, that spark might never come.

[offplanet]

It wouldn't be fair to either of you to get married. As you said, even from the beginning, the 'spark' wasn't there. That would get more noticeable as time went by. The lack of it would make it harder to put up with the things you can't bear about her. A 'spark' makes it easier to put up with a lot of things. She is wanting marriage, so it'd be fair to let her go, to find someone who appreciates her the way she is. It'd be a great mistake to miss out on being with someone with whom you're 'madly in love' and settle for someone who irritates you. That would be a dismal prospect.

[vickyylove]

Maybe you two just aren't compatible? I can identify with a lot of the things you mentioned about her that bug you and I would feel exactly the same. The fact that there's no spark just makes me think you may be better off as friends instead.

[Contrail]

Thanks for the insight all.

 

While I agree with you that we might be better off as friends, I've always subscribed to the field of thought that you can never go back to being 'just friends'. I've tried it with a couple of my prior GF's and it just never worked.

 

I also agree that proposing would be a terrible idea. However I can seem glimpses here and there of traits that are found in very strong relationships, which makes me wonder if I'm giving up to soon.

 

Today she found out that the teaching job she was supposed to get, she would have to reapply for and compete all over again for it. Which opens the possibility that she may not get it (I think very likely as this place has a history of bait and switches.) I foresaw all this happening when she took the initial job a month ago and warned her of it, and that she should not simply quit her job search at the hand shake and a promise of a school administrator. I kind of took that hard love approach and told her that I'm tired of her apathetic approach to her career and she need to get her ducks in a row and figure out what she wants. I really dont think she understands that a job in todays world will not just fall into your lap, you have to bust your behind to get what you want. Which brings me back to the drive/self motivation thing.

 

I dont know why this bothers me so much. I was talking with a cowoker/friend last night and his almost exact words were, "why are you worried about her career so much? you make more than enough that she doesnt even need to work. you two should just be happy and enjoy each other." While I agree with his assessment, I think its my underlying nature that still bubbles up and bugs me that she just isn't driven to excel in life, and better herself. While I realize that 25 is still young, and Im somewhat atypical, I find it weird that she has no passion to better herself grow in her professional life.

 

Am I off base here?

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like MAJOR incompatibility. I don't think this relationship will ever last (sorry). I also agree that proposing would be the worst idea. Don't do it. Sometimes people just don't match. Nothing wrong with that - we accept it and move on to someone who IS compatible. It is not fair to yourself, or to her to keep this going.

 

Ask yourself: Can you really see yourself living with her for the rest of your life (as in marriage)? Is this what you foresee for yourself? All the things about her that annoy you - can you live with that for a lifetime and REALLY be happy and content? Think about it.

[Contrail]

Sounds like MAJOR incompatibility. I don't think this relationship will ever last (sorry). I also agree that proposing would be the worst idea. Don't do it. Sometimes people just don't match. Nothing wrong with that - we accept it and move on to someone who IS compatible. It is not fair to yourself, or to her to keep this going.

 

Ask yourself: Can you really see yourself living with her for the rest of your life (as in marriage)? Is this what you foresee for yourself? All the things about her that annoy you - can you live with that for a lifetime and REALLY be happy and content? Think about it.

 

I actually have asked myself that question quite a bit lately and keep coming back to the same thing. Even though we conflict on some many levels, eventually we end up looking at each other, shrugging our shoulders at it, and give each other a big hug and a kiss. When I come home from work, thinking that I was responsible for almost killing a couple hundred people, she gives me a hug and it all seems ok. Her support in my life is unwavering. While I dont disagree with you in the fact that our personalities clash; sometimes horrendously, at the end of the day we always seem to work it out somehow.

 

I just dont know if I'm ready to throw in the towel on her. I keep reading books and posts that describe exactly what I'm going through, and the course of action seems logical, I'm just not wanting to accept it.

[Capricorn3]

I just dont know if I'm ready to throw in the towel on her. I'm just not wanting to accept it.

In that case, prepare to live a life of constant battle, confusion, personality clashes, and like the title of your thread, "feel lost" etc etc. - all of which lead to a very stressful life (imo). If you feel you can live like this, and be happy with it, then by all means, stay with her. If the writing is on the wall and the red flags are waving but you choose to ignore the warning signs, then I can only wish you well and best of luck.