Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I was in a real slump for quite a while. I really didn't care about meeting a girl, or if I was ever going to be in a relationship again. Then my buddy's girlfriend, J, sets up a get-together at a local bar for all of her friends and co-workers a few months ago. I meet one of J's co-workers, R, and after about 10 minutes of talking with her, I find myself saying: "I want to be in a relationship again." I mean we hit it off - not even flirting, just conversation-wise. I mean she's just my type. So I talk to J off to the side and she asks what I think of R, and I say she's incredible, and J says she thinks she's totally my type and that she's amazed how R and I are hitting it off, but she has a boyfriend whom she's having lots of trouble with, and who is a pretentious snob who pretty much nobody in the group likes. Anyway, the end of the night, we all say our goodbyes, and a week later, out of the blue, R friends me on Facebook. And we joke around, post dumb stuff on each others' walls, just friendly-like. Fast forward a couple of months to last night. J is having a birthday party, and it's the first time I see R since a few months ago. R brings a huge bottle of Stella just for me, and ironically enough, I had brought a 6-pack of Stella for the two of us. But no boyfriend. I ask where he is, and she says he wanted to stay home to play video games. I mean, really? You leech your girl's car, her computer, God knows what else, you barely work, and you can't even go to an event with her? But I didn't say anything. And R can't go half an hour without talking about her boyfriend and how wonderful he is, while J is telling me that at their lunch hours it sounds like the opposite, and that she has nothing but problems with him. R made food for the party, and at the end of the night we're talking for about an hour and before we all leave, I go in the kitchen and clean the dishes she brought her food in as a way of saying thanks for making the food in the first place. We walk downstairs and out to our cars together, say goodnight and that's that. We get along. I KNOW I could be great to her. But prince charming is at home playing video games all day, and it just really gets to me. I'm not going to put the moves on a girl who's already involved, but I can see it, J can see it, why can't R see that she can have someone who actually seems to GIVE A CRAP?!? I just can't see where I'm going wrong. Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Back up, and back off. If she leaves him for you, she will leave you for someone else later down the road. Let their relationship run its course on its own. You think you would be great for her, are you anything like her previous boyfriends? If not, then you would not be great for her. You may treat her better, but you are not the type of guy that she would like to be with. Some want to be treated badly, some want a guy she can fix etc... avoid them. It is not you, some want to be in a messed up relationship (Want may be incorrect word, but it is what they are used to, it is what is normal to them). Those kind will make your life hell if you get with them. She will likely outgrow it if she does like winding up in bad relationships, when is the question, don't wait around to find out. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I'm not going to wait around, nor have I been - if for nothing else that I don't want to be a rebound, should they split anyway. I have other options I might like to check out, I guess I'm just lamenting the fact that people just seem to love to be in crap relationships like this over a halfway decent one. Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sorry, thought it sounded like you wanted to get with her. I don't understand it either. I always revert back to "everyone is different". I have things about me people say they don't understand as well. Its all good though, it is what makes me, me. Link to comment
Generation Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 "I just can't see where I'm going wrong." You're not going wrong anywhere yet, because you shouldn't be doing something about it when she's already with someone. Take a step back. You're honestly a really bitter person. You never even met the guy... Everywhere I've bolded, take notice. Self-explanatory, so I'll leave it at that. Let me elaborate. You've judged him already without meeting him. You think you're better than him from hearsay alone. But what do you know of their relationship anyhow, against the fact she seems to like him and says he's a great guy. You think she's a damsel in distress with this guy, and that you'd be her knight in shining armor. Who knows how their history is. You can't be the judge of that having known so little in the first place. Honestly, I don't see too highly of anyone who speaks like this. It's just so toxic. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I do want to get with her, but like I said, I don't make moves on involved women. J even asked me if I'm still into her and I told her that while I do still like her, she's never going to leave this guy, plus I've lost a little respect for her if this is the treatment she likes. I agree everyone is different and we all have our quirks - I'm not mister perfect either, I just don't get it. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I just can't see where I'm going wrong. You're not going wrong anywhere. The thing is that even though you and J can see it, maybe R is really happy with the guy? No-one really knows what their relationship is like behind closed doors, so to speak. They may be really happy together, no matter what outsiders may think is going on. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 "I just can't see where I'm going wrong." You're not going wrong anywhere yet, because you shouldn't be doing something about it when she's already with someone. Take a step back. You're honestly a really bitter person. You never even met the guy... Everywhere I've bolded, take notice. Self-explanatory, so I'll leave it at that. I've heard from my friend, J, and three other people who have met the guy on multiple occasions and they all say he's a complete douche and manipulative. I am bitter, you have that right, but I'm not assuming things. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 You're not going wrong anywhere. The thing is that even though you and J can see it, maybe R is really happy with the guy? No-one really knows what their relationship is like behind closed doors, so to speak. They may be really happy together, no matter what outsiders may think is going on. J has lunch with her since she's a co-worker, and according to J, R is always complaining about him at work. Then at parties, she paints this perfect picture of him. Link to comment
Generation Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 How would you be any better than him? Let's hear some of the complaints she's had with her boyfriend. What's your solution? You can think of this is as a job interview. Why should she hire you as opposed to keeping him? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 J has lunch with her since she's a co-worker, and according to J, R is always complaining about him at work. Then at parties, she paints this perfect picture of him. Lots of people complain about their partners, have arguments with them and sometimes find them annoying. That doesn't have to mean that the entire relationship is a disaster. It's called life. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 A. I have my own car, B. I have my own computer, C. I can support myself and don't need to rely on my girlfriend to support me, and D. I actually take an interest in my girlfriends' activities and friends and make half an effort to get to know them. Link to comment
Generation Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 A. I have my own car, B. I have my own computer, C. I can support myself and don't need to rely on my girlfriend to support me, and D. I actually take an interest in my girlfriends' activities and friends and make half an effort to get to know them. A. So what? B. Who cares? C. Times are rough for everyone in this economy but I can't really speak on his behalf because I don't know his back story or how much he leeches. D. Not a pre-requisite to be a good boyfriend. So what? I'm not impressed. Follow up on A and B, what car do you drive, and what specs are your computer? Not that it matters, I'm just curious. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Fortunately, I'm not trying to impress you. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Well, even if what other people say about this guy is true, then maybe it shows you more about HER true character in choosing a loser? Either way, none of it really matters as she is with him and if he really is as bad as OTHERS say he is, then she has a choice to leave him. So far, it seems she has chosen to stay with him. Maybe he really isn't half as bad as others like to make him. Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You are making it about you vs him. You feeling rejected? You feel she thinks he is better than you? What is it? Its about her, and what she wants from her perspective. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 You're right. I'm just going to take it that he's the swell dude she says he is and move on. Link to comment
Generation Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Fortunately, I'm not trying to impress you. Unfortunately (for you), that's not gonna impress her either. You don't really have anything to offer. Let me say one more thing. It's not even about impressing her. It's more than that. It's simply something he possesses and you don't. I can't tell you what that is, nor can you speculate. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sorry, didn't realize you were her. How've ya been, R? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I have to admit I can't figure out your anger at a total stranger - someone you have never met before. This anger seems so out there - all about a chick who has a boyfriend and it's not you. That's so weird (imo). I can't quite figure it out. Clearly I must be missing something. Or is this just jealousy at couples in general? (Yes, I am confused). Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 If she's got a boyfriend that's pretty much a wrap on things, I think. I don't care how bad or good the relationship is or what she tells me about it, the fact is you're still with him. So there must be something there. Link to comment
Generation Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sorry, didn't realize you were her. How've ya been, R? Stupendous! Mark surprised me with my favorite meals today that he cooked. It was our anniversary! I didn't even remember. Even though he spends all day on my computer that I can't check my email when he's in the middle of his LoL games, it really makes me happy that he shows me that he cares for me each night. Even though he doesn't have a car or job right now, I still love him. Afterall, for better or for worse... I can see myself being his wife someday. I truly love him! Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I have to admit I can't figure out your anger at a total stranger - someone you have never met before. This anger seems so out there - all about a chick who has a boyfriend and it's not you. That's so weird (imo). I can't quite figure it out. Clearly I must be missing something. Or is this just jealousy at couples in general? (Yes, I am confused). He is hurting. If he does not get it out here, he will wind up doing something he regrets, or is stupid, or embarrasses him later etc... in front of people he does know. If he does not get it out somewhere, he has a long hard road ahead. I know from experience. Dude, you said you had other options. Go out with them, forget about this girl. The more you are around her and hear about her the worse off you are going to be. It is not necessarily anything about YOU. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I have to admit I can't figure out your anger at a total stranger - someone you have never met before. This anger seems so out there - all about a chick who has a boyfriend and it's not you. That's so weird (imo). I can't quite figure it out. Clearly I must be missing something. Or is this just jealousy at couples in general? (Yes, I am confused). I think it's a bit of both, and part of me is confused as well. I hear from J about how R is basically paying his rent, cooking for him, letting him drive her car, letting him use her computer and he doesn't lift a finger or seem to care at all, yet all I hear from R is how wonderful he is. I don't hear WHY he's wonderful, but I hear plenty from others about their problems. So that's what I have to go on. Presumptuous? Sure. When you have five people telling you what a * * * * * the guy is and this girl still seems to worship the ground he walks on, I'm confused. It's also at couples in general. I have a female friend whom I've known for almost a decade. She's really nice and a good person, while her husband is out getting other girls' phone numbers. But she just puts up with it, every couple of years has another kid with him, and makes excuses, like he's wonderful. And to some I guess that IS wonderful. I just had a co-worker say to me last week: "You're a catch. Why don't you have a girlfriend? You don't cheat, you're good looking and you're thoughtful, sweet and you can support yourself." It just really gets frustrating and hard to stay positive. I accept that she's with him. I accept that she's fine with him (though I suspect otherwise when I hear conflicting stories), I just don't UNDERSTAND it. I AM hurting, and this IS my venting place. I don't walk around parties saying "Man, your boyfriend is a loser". When R mentioned her boyfriend wasn't coming because of a video game, I told her "That IS a fun game. It sounds like he's really enjoying it". But she likes who she likes, and it's not up to me to decide. That doesn't mean I have to "get it". I'm just going to go with the other options. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 It just really gets frustrating and hard to stay positive. Ahhh, ok. I get ya. Yes, I can imagine it would be very frustrating if that's all you see around you. That's unfortunate, but I guess all I can say is that sometimes what we HEAR is not always the truth, or what it seems. I don't know, but maybe these relationships really work because whatever is going on behind closed doors, works for the couple. We cannot judge when we don't KNOW all the facts, but only rely on heresay. I'm not ganging up on you. I understand what you say and that you feel frustrated. Just giving you another perspective. Link to comment
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