Jump to content

Healing and NC after a nasty relationship


Recommended Posts

There is a thread about my relationship here:

Reading through it, it is obvious that the relationship was very unhealthy. I'm completely in the dark about my ex, all I know is that she has no interest in even talking to me. So it's time for me to embrace it.

 

Today I contacted her to ask for one last night together. I don't know why I asked, or why I thought it would help. I was turned down and then completely ignored when I asked to just be allowed to have a "final talk" with her. Like everyone warns - contact will only make you feel worse, because you never hear what you were hoping for. If you were going to hear what you were hoping for, you'd have heard it before, instead of a decision to break up. NC is the only option from here.

 

So here I am at day 1 NC. I've felt worse. Part of me - most of me - is still hoping that some way this situation will be fixed and she will decide to stay. I want her to want to work on our relationship. I am desperate for that to happen, somehow, because despite everything, I am still in love with her. I have to be the world's biggest fool.

Link to comment

You're not a fool, just a guy who loves someone and wishes both of you had been able to work to keep your relationship viable.

 

Unfortunately, you can't salvage what takes two all by yourself.

 

The first week is hard, very hard. Make sure you fill it with as much activity and outside stuff as you can, rearrange your living space, go for a walk or run when you want to pick up that phone and LEAVE THE PHONE at home. There's not likely to be anything so earthshattering that someone MUST reach you in 30 minutes or the world will end. ALWAYS remember that when the temptation is there - you can turn it off, put it aside, and get the heck away from it.

Link to comment

I have started running recently! I used to be a real fitness buff but have not done anything for the past year. Close to when our relationship ended - I was expecting it to end - I started working out again and running. I know now is the time to start focusing on my diet, living situation and fitness. I have already terminated my lease at the place I am living. The wheels are in motion. What scares me the most is my lack of motivation and enthusiasm on a day to day basis. I'm having to really force myself to do things.

 

I just noticed it's been 3 years since I joined eNA and I'm in the same situation again, heartbroken! This time doesn't feel as bad, maybe because of experience with heartbreak and maybe because this relationship was much more toxic.

Link to comment

I went out tonight to shoot a few games of pool and came home. Skype automatically loads up and displays on my screen when I log in. I couldn't help but notice that the Skype "comment" which she has had for nearly 6 months was missing. Out of curiosity, I clicked her profile. It was blank - she blocked me. I haven't done anything to deserve being blocked other than her dumping me. Given that the entire time we were together, she has never added anyone else to her list, she must have added someone new and blocked me to avoid any contact.

 

It shouldn't matter, but it really added insult to injury. It's time to take the hint. I'm not only not wanted, she wants me completely out of her life. It's 9:30pm and I have avoided coming home because I didn't want to think about her. Yet here I am, pouring my heart out yet again on an anonymous internet forum. I wish I'd never met her.

Link to comment

I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but I've signed up for online dating. I figure that she's done with the relationship and I'm not going to sit around waiting for her. I might as well go out and have some fun whenever the opportunity arises to take my mind off her even temporarily. I can't rely on my friends, who are all in long term relationships. I did have a lot of fun shooting pool and playing darts tonight, and for the most part I avoided thinking of her at all. I did look at my phone a few times with the excuse "checking the time", but I already knew she wasn't going to have messaged me. I am almost certain she is already trying to replace me. It would just follow the behaviour she's had in the past when breaking up with her boyfriends.

 

It was great to talk to my friend who was in a very similar situation to me about 2 years back. He had it even worse, his girlfriend of 2 years was just as psychotic as my ex (we had a lot of laughs finding out just how similar they are). She cheated on him after 2 years in his own house. It put things in perspective a bit. He's now in a healthy relationship of over a year, with a lovely girl. His ex sounded like my ex to a tee, and it just made me even more sure that she's out with some new guy already (most likely she had someone lined up before even breaking up with me)

 

I need to get myself out as much as possible and quit dwelling on this. I had plenty of time to analyze this situation before we ever even broke up!

Link to comment

I'm really having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that we are never going to be together again. She was my world, she was what I knew. It's gone. There is an extremely low chance she will ever even talk to me again. I am posting on eNA like a madman, repeating myself everywhere. There is nowhere else to put it down. There is nowhere else that anyone will read it. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel like crying my eyes out. I haven't cried at all. I can't focus on my work. I can't focus on what I need to do. I feel like I'm dying inside.

Link to comment

Go have a good scream or cry - but when you do, make it a good strong cleansing one. Get some of those emotions out. You'll feel a bit drained, your throat will hurt, eyes puff - but - you'll be able to think a more about yourself than keeping it all bottled up like poison. Leave the phone behind, and just do it, don't start thinking about being embarrassed at this point

 

Then come back, and we'll see what you can come up with to make it through tomorrow.

Link to comment

 

Unfortunately, you can't salvage what takes two all by yourself.

 

 

Bingo. This one took me a long time to come to terms with. You can't fix it by yourself... it takes two. If they don't want to fix it, ultimately the decision is theirs and you have to learn to live with it.

Link to comment

Took the day off work yesterday as I was feeling physically sick. Today is my second day with zero contact. It's settling in and I'm trying my best to accept it.

 

When I remove myself from my own feelings in my head about how much I love her, miss her, etc, I can wonder what I was thinking... why did I want to be with her. She was pretty, but not so pretty that I couldn't do better. I was blind with love and really thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world - to me. She did have a good personality, but she was so messed up with depression and PMS rage that I was constantly walking on egg shells with her. Every moment was a fight just to keep her from throwing a tantrum. The tantrums and rage started only about 2 months into the relationship but gradually took over. To the point where if I read a conversation from 4 months ago on Gmail (we chatted every day while I was at work), it seems completely tame comparatively. I remember when I bought her an Xbox and she was completely ungrateful for it (despite bragging to her friends what a great bf she has). All she did was moan and complain the the Xbox didn't have Wifi and then tell me she didn't want it at all. I read that conversation a few days back and it seemed so tame.

 

All in all, I wasn't having a good time anymore - she made me miserable every day. I could not have a healthy social life, home life, family life or even work life. It feels good putting these thoughts down and reminding myself that it was never going to be all roses.

Link to comment
I remember when I bought her an Xbox and she was completely ungrateful for it (despite bragging to her friends what a great bf she has). All she did was moan and complain the the Xbox didn't have Wifi and then tell me she didn't want it at all.

 

This is the kind of thing I had on my "list of little things that add up to why I'm worth better" beside my bed.

 

When it comes down to it, it's the little things that become a mountain of hurt. There's a reason torture is done through time and small injuries that add up to immense pain - and many of us realize in hindsight we were living with it.

Link to comment

I am day 2 no contact as well, and I think this is probably the longest I've gone with no contact from him, even though we've been technically broken up for 2 months now. I get by like you are, thinking of the reasons why it failed, thinking of it for what it really was. Keep doing this and I hope we'll be ok.

Link to comment
I am day 2 no contact as well, and I think this is probably the longest I've gone with no contact from him, even though we've been technically broken up for 2 months now. I get by like you are, thinking of the reasons why it failed, thinking of it for what it really was. Keep doing this and I hope we'll be ok.

The more I think about how much she took me for granted, our communication problems, the lack of love (actions, not words) and romance... the less I feel like contacting her. I'm starting to feel that even though she was the one who walked out and the one who took control of the break up, that she is the one who should be banging on my door trying to apologise. And that will never happen. I suspect that if I do hear from her again, she will give me a very half assed attempt at being friends or telling me she still loves me. And that will be that, because I won't respond unless she apologises. I can't. She walked out, left me. She doesn't care and hasn't for a long time. I would also never trust her again. She stole from me, for Christ's sake! All I can think about is her out flirting with some other guy and having sex with him right now. If we ever got back together I'd just be waiting for her to do the same thing all over again.

 

36 hours without contact. It'll be nice seeing those hours turn into days, the days turn into weeks, months, years... and by then I'll be happy with someone who is truly deserving of what I do for them.

Link to comment

Made it 2 full days now.

 

Had a date tonight. Pretty, smart, well educated, in shape with a bright future. Great conversation and a nice dinner. How I missed the great conversation... I could barely even talk to my ex anymore. She is so much more than my ex ever was. That is the kind of woman I should have been looking to have a relationship with. What was I ever thinking going out with this "live in the moment" psycho? I hope she comes back to me so I can tell her to get lost. Good riddance to bad news. Time to start working on myself again and prepare myself to be in a relationship with a woman more like this.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...