How do I save my relationship?

[King Crimson]

I had a lovely relationship last year, a close friendship I had the entire year turned romantic in May. For more than a month it seemed like it was going perfectly. Alas, things changed. I had fallen into a bit of a depression, going off to parties with my bros far more often, getting drunk and often dialing my girlfriend. She didn't seem bothered at first but eventually she started telling me to go easy on that stuff; I didn't listen. Eventually a “friend” badmouthed her on the phone after snatching it from me one party early July. Two days later when we got together for dinner it turned into an interrogation. I handled it badly; she assumed that I had said horrid things about her to my friend, I said that was not the case and I'd beat him up for this. The day after she dumped me over the phone. “We never clicked”

 

No contact for a month. I realized my faults; I had become ignorant and insensitive to her; falling into indulgence that must have been humiliating to her with those drunk calls. I dropped alcohol 100% and focused on my discipline by working out, trying to become a better man. I eventually contacted her again, she was detached yet friendly (no breakup talk). Weeks passed and school started. I hadn't texted her in a while, deciding to send her an email apology for my actions and my efforts to become better. She liked hearing it from my side but said “I hope you find the right person.” Days later she wanted to meet up with me for coffee at school, but I was busy. In the evening after a text asking if she minded my contact, she told me she didn't want to lead me on. A heated discussion started; she broke up with me because of refusing to take responsibility for the incident, I retorted with what I had been doing in the meanwhile to fix my issues and telling her how I missed her so. It ended with me saying we need time for the dust to settle, I'd rather I bump into her eventually at school. (this part of the text might not have reached her though, I'm not sure. It had a strange format that can be read on some phones, but not others) 3 weeks have passed without contact, what do I do now? I haven't seen her at school at all, despite her apparently being in my management lecture.

 

TL;DR: The breakup occurred In July's beginning, and a month and a half passed before I broke No Contact. After a few weeks of conversation and a missed attempt at meeting her again, we discuss the breakup through text and it goes kinda so so, but I hear what I needed to hear and told her what I wanted to say. A few weeks have passed, what now? I haven't seen her at school at all. I've made many improvements to myself in the meanwhile, emotionally moving on to a degree. I don't want to give up on her though, especially since I haven't even seen or talked to her the day before she dumped me.

[contrase]

Nothing she said in any communication seems to indicate she ever had any desire to get back with you, she went so far as to say she hopes you find the right person and she doesn't want to lead you on and make you think she wants back in. Yet at one point you say "we need time for the dust to settle" as if she wanted to get back with you. I don't get that and also the part where a heated argument ensued. If you are the one that wants back in you don't go and get in a fight you need to learn when to not say anything because it won't help you to try to win a battle and lose the war.

[King Crimson]

I didn't really explain that so correctly, this is a bit of a quickly condensed version that I posted elsewhere so I'll elaborate anywhere needed. It wasn't so much of a heated argument, rather a reply in which her temper flared a bit I guess. After her replying initially with the saying of, "not wanting to lead me on" , I said If we indeed "never clicked" like she had said during the breakup, she was leading me on the entire year. Obviously she got a bit mad by this, saying that If that's what I thought about what happened last year, then we weren't ready to be friends. I again replied, saying that I didn't think that; I thought there was more going on than I knew. It was here she went into describing how during the incident I took no responsibility for my reckless actions, blaming it on my friend and avoiding the topic, ending with "that's all have to to say about the matter." That's the last I heard from her, and the only time since the breakup we ever really diocussed what had happened.

 

Well then I went into my extended description of my apology and what I'd been doing since then to try take responsibility. The "dust settling" part was at the end, since I pretty much was saying that I'd rather we have no contact for a while before we talk again, whether it's as friends or not.

 

It really does seem like she has no indication of wanting getting back with me, which really hurts. If our year together really meant anything to her like she says, why is she so unforgiving about this? We were both firsts for one another, and she seemed so happy, even a week beforehand. This is why I decided to employ no contact again, but I really wonder how long I should go for. If she really lacks that intention, then she may never talk to me again. I could lose her forever.

 

I think my aggressiveness that time I contacted her, trying to hit the issue on the nail mustn't have been very constructive, though I did get to say to her what I wanted to say. I don't want to ever settle for just being friends with her, I don't want to be that guy that's allowed closeness when it's useful for her, but no intimacy like we had before. I won't approach that way again, I think I must have let me emotions get in the way of thinking. Never again.