(s)ex buddy

[bubjav]

I've never been this puzzled by a man and I'm not sure what to do with the situation. I'm too ashamed to talk to my friends about this, so I brought it here. Three years ago I started an online relationship with a man that lives far away from me. We met up once (after 4 months of dating) and hit it off (or so I thought). Things were great and we were planning to get married, when after 6 months of our relationship he suddenly became very distant to the point where we didn't video or voice chat anymore, he stopped sending me emails and calling me and pretty much treated me like a burden. That went on for 6 months until I eventually broke it off. I was also quite immature during that period, freaking out about his behavior, rubbing all the other guys that liked me in his face and such.

 

But anyway, two years after the breakup, we still talk every day. We video chat. We stare at each other and smile for hours. We get intimate. We share all our secrets and problems, we come to each other whenever either of us needs comfort. And he keeps pointing out how great this is, doing this and not wondering where it's going, being just friends, but such close friends. He keeps raving about our (online) sex life and what a great match we are. He says I'm his best friend and the person he trusts the most and tells me he hates thinking about the future where I'll settle down with someone that's not him, but at the same time tells me he wants me to be happy and that I deserve someone great.

 

We're both 30 and I think by this age there shouldn't be any commitment issues. I pretend I agree with him, but honestly I would like nothing more than for us to get back together. I don't want to humiliate myself and suggest it only to be rejected. I know if someone came up to me with this problem, I'd tell them to run away from him and find a healthy relationship, but two years after the breakup I still love him as much as I did when we were together.

 

What is he thinking and what do I do?

[annie24]

I think............ you need to find a real life relationship. Sure, lots of people meet online these days, but those who are serious take steps to take things into real life - ie, moving, planning more visits, etc.... i don't see any of that there. i think you're wasting your time on this guy and you should find a guy who wants to have a real life relationship with you!

[minimini]

Hey... You can check out my posts about the on-line relationship I recently had with my ex from jr.high. Yes, we were in a different boat, both married, etc. Leaving that aside, I totally understand how you feel about still being in love with this guy. It may be on-line, but the feelings are still very real... don't let anyone tell you otherwise. All I can say though, be honest with what you really want out of this. Don't pretend to be okay with a situation that you're not... it'll only hurt more in the long run. Doesn't seem as though this guy is ready to make the changes in his life that he would need to make in order to be with you in "real life". Try to start letting go. I know it's way easier said than done, and I know that it will feel like crap. But keeping up the relationship you have when he is denying you what you really want, will not only prevent you from moving forward to a "better" relationship, but will make you feel even crappier. Good luck! Hope it works out...

[annie24]

Oh, I wasn't discounting her feelings or saying that they are not real. However, I am saying that after several years of talking online, if he (or they) are not making the plans necessary to move closer to each other, and make this into a real life relationship, forget it. Webcamming is fun, but let's face it - it's not the same as being in the same bedroom!

[bubjav]

Thank you both for your opinions, I do know the sensible thing would be to move on and stop dwelling. But it's really hard and the whole thing feels like a rollercoaster ride, there are constantly highs and lows, he keeps doing things that give me hope and I'm not strong enough to completely cut him off. I've been obsessing over the whole thing so much since we broke up it pretty much feels like a part of me at this point and I'm not interested in anyone else in the slightest.

[DylanNotorious]

You should do what he says - find someone that will treat you great.

 

But in the real-world. You will waste your life away otherwise.

 

Besides, this has been going on for 3 years now has it? And neither of you want to move to be with the other, so it can't be that serious of a relationship.

[annie24]

I know that they do things to "give you hope" but unless he is saying, "I am applying for jobs in your area, I will be moving there in 2 months, am looking for apartments, etc...." forget it.

[Catchy06]

I'm going to agree with everyone here because I am currently in the same situation as you... except I'm the guy.

 

I'm currently in an online/text SEX relationship. Were not dating... she wants to date. She lives in Florida... but we've always texted/web chatted.

 

I feel like a jerk now that I'm typing this out... but I have no interest in dating her. She keeps saying she wants to come back to NY and see me... but I know all I would want to do is have sex with her and leave it at that and go back to the online relationship. If she considered moving here I would tell her the truth.

 

If you want this guy to be serious you have to make him. I'm not one for ultimatums, but you'll know his true intentions if you tell him you need something more or you're out.

[Mesemene]

I agree with everyone here - because you're not on the same page as far as your hopes, dreams, needs, and wants.

 

He's PERFECTLY happy, not just ok with, this online relationship. To him, for whatever reason, he considers it ideal.

 

And while you enjoy his company online and have feelings for him, you ultimately want more.

 

These two different needs, desires will collide after a while. You can't make yourself happy with this being the ultimate climax of this relationship, that this is all it will ever be. And he doesn't want to move to a higher level, he considers it perfect.

 

Talk to him honestly, and let him know that while for him this satisfies everything he wants, for you, it doesn't, and you need to start looking for something that will fulfill you for the years to come, not just during your chat sessions. You MAY be able to salvage the friendship - but be aware, if you get involved with a new guy who is physically there, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to ask that you severely curtail contact with Mr. (S)ex. So it might be cleaner, in the long run, to walk now, let him find someone who will be content to be his online mate, while you look for someone who will be here for you.