My life is completely messed up, girlfriend may leave, desperately need support.

[jimbojTX91]

Hi all,

I feel somewhat silly for posting this.. as I feel that I have put myself in the situation that has hurt me.

 

The short story is I broke up with a girlfriend of a year nearly 6 months ago now, we parted on good terms and she moved out..

At the same time I met a girl at my work, it was totally unexpected, but things had finished with my ex and I wasn't hurt from the breakup so when it became clear we liked each other we started dating..

She had come out of quite a hurtful breakup about 4 months earlier, so things were quite slow going at first and to make matters worse she is quite closed off emotionally because of it and I feel quite resentful towards men in general, as she clearly would treat me that way sometimes, allowing me to do all the work while she could remain detached and aloof.. also punishing me for small things as if they were massive.

 

But... I had a huge crush on her, which I believe developed into feelings of love over the past 5 months, I miss her terribly when she's gone and I get upset whenever she is sad, I also feel she has a lot of qualities that are perfect for me.. we laugh like I never have with a girl before and we have so much fun together when we hang out.

So as you can see, even though things weren't perfect I still didn't want to let go of her in any way..

 

Anyway.. unfortunate timing as it was, my ex called me nearly two months into my new relationship to tell me that she was pregnant to me.. seems we had an accident before we broke up, the timings are bit fuzzy here but I know it's mine and I've accepted that she wants this child and will move interstate to raise it with her family (I will of course try to help her as much as I can).

 

This of course put a massive rift in my current relationship, ..I told my new girlfriend right away..

It caused problems for weeks it was "will she walk away.." "will she stay...." , (not that this was a new theme in our relationship as I said she was cold and unemotional before) up in the air and no clue about what would happen.

Eventually we moved forward and things seemed to be going well,

I've treated my current girlfriend like a princess.. opened my heart up to her in every way, been so patient with her coldness and holding back emotionally and just opened up my arms to always welcome her and make her feel like the most important person in the world..

 

However, last week, my ex called who is moving interstate and asked if I could help her move some things and stay a few nights.

I told my girlfriend that I'd said yes reluctantly because my ex had no other choice basically..

I had only the kindest intentions to help my pregnant ex, but I realise that I made the choice to let her stay before consulting my girlfriend to see how she felt about it.. (gf and I don't live together it's my place).

We've spent the last 4 days talking/crying and reasoning with each other..

I understand that I hurt her by doing this, and she understands that I had only good intentions.. but again I seemed to have disappointed her.

Right now she wants to have a "break", she is upset and confused and doesn't know what to do..

I have cried my bodyweight in tears but yet they keep coming and coming.. I feel so weak and so lost, like a shell of a person..

I keep thinking about my girlfriend and how sad and unhappy she is.. I keep thinking about the wonderful times we've shared.. but at the same time knowing that it's been a fight from the start and I am resentful that I feel like I've given so much/tried so hard for us, but she seems to only become emotional when she's upset with me.. not when she's happy with me.

 

Sorry for the long post.. I know this is a complex situation, and from the small amount of details I am able to give I hope nobody will judge me poorly on what's happened.. I am just hurting like never before, feeling such awful loss and pain.

Because I work with her she is in the office everyday, I have to go in tomorrow (monday), I know I can't concentrate at work with this.. I want to run away, I just don't want to go there, I know I will be close to tears all day..

[SpottiOtti]

I think you should call into work tomorrow, take a mental health day. Take a day away from this girl and think about stuff. You talk an awful lot about her, but not at all about what you are feeling about becoming a new father (congratulations by the way). From an outsider's perspective, the becoming a new father part would trump the shaky relationship part.

 

Also, I understand her insecurity but she could also be a little more understanding toward you. You're trying to do right by this woman, who you decided was not the one for you, but who is pregnant with your child. It makes you a better and stronger man, and your girlfriend should be glad you handled the situation in a stand-up manner. I also understand that she is probably trying to figure out whether it will be a dealbreaker for her that you have ties to your ex for life. This is a difficult situation for her, but it is doubly difficult for you. If she cared about you, she would be helping you process the feelings you have about this. From your post it sounds like she has successfully made this situation all about her, and it's not all about her. It's about you.

 

It also sounds like the relationship has brought you a lot of emotional turmoil. I've been there, man. There comes a point where you have to value your psychological health more than you value another person. Ya dig?

[jimbojTX91]

Thanks Otti, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

 

Well I went in to work, I had to.. I'm supposed to be getting a certification in a month and I have scheduled study hours every day at work, so I can't let my work mates and myself down by not going in.. but it's not every day so perhaps I'll take on day this week and take your advice.

I understand what you mean about fatherhood (thanks for your congratulations).. trumping the current girlfriend, but honestly, I've somehow become quite caught up in this relationship.. I feel there's great loss tied up in it, and as much as I know that I will love my kid, I also want that for myself.

She didn't speak to me at all today, and my workmate who works closely with her said nothing was let on that something was wrong (she is a very private person).. so it's hard to tell what's happening but the non-contact says it all really, she's mad.

 

You're absolutely right this has brought me a lot of emotional turmoil, especially at a time in my life where I've had to deal with unplanned pregnancy, depression over my life in general, depression over my job (not happy).. and also being made to suffer by the on/off nature of this thing.

I appreciate what you said about thinking she should be mindful of my feelings in this.. I think it's been a common theme in our relationship that she doesn't outwardly acknowledge my side of the story or feelings in most instances.. there's more to it than that, it's complicated.

 

Essentially as hard as this is for me I think I've realised that I've given all of me to this girl, and that if that's not enough for her then it will NEVER be enough.. and this will be a cycle that repeats.

It doesn't put me at peace though, because I feel agony over the fact that I will lose her, and lose the things we had that were great,

I am also afraid, afraid to be by myself with a baby on the way, a breakup and general depression..

I feel great fear too for my future chances at romance.. I'm sure that there are people out there that would accept my situation, but it's been nearly 10 years since I met someone who I had a major crush on, and so all these fears feed my depression.

 

I am seeing a counsellor and calling Men's Help when I am desparate, I also have fantastic friends around me.. that's all anyone can ask I guess.. but honestly, right now, I don't know how I'll get out of bed tomorrow morning.

 

 

[Applewhite]

I just read your thread - how are you doing?

 

It's east to get addicted to relationship drama. Emotions run wild, and whatever hormones we produce during that turmoil we get addicted (kinda like drugs I guess - you know they're bad for you but you can't walk away if you're addicted). I hope you find a happier place - real relationships take work - but not the kind of 'work' you describe!

[jimbojTX91]

I just read your thread - how are you doing?

 

It's east to get addicted to relationship drama. Emotions run wild, and whatever hormones we produce during that turmoil we get addicted (kinda like drugs I guess - you know they're bad for you but you can't walk away if you're addicted). I hope you find a happier place - real relationships take work - but not the kind of 'work' you describe!

 

Thanks so much for the concern,

Yes I know logically what's happening to me is addiction to her in one form or another.. not so much the drama now as I did hit a point with our recent problems where I was ready to lose it all to be free of the drama..

It's more out of not wanting to let go of the good things, like the pure and simple fact that we have a great time together, and that we make each other laugh, REALLY laugh

 

But of course the issue here is where do you draw the line between getting good from them, and that good being outweighed by issue after issue..

A good friend of mine said something that stuck in my mind,

"You deserve someone who is really excited about being with you"

 

I guess I've never felt she is really that keen, I mean when push comes to shove or in hard times, she has stuck by me, so I know she must care a lot, otherwise why not just walk away?

But unfortunately that's not enough, I need consistency..

Most of all I'm just afraid,

Last week I felt much more in control, like I would rather lose her than feel like rubbish.. and that was a really powerful place to be, but now the cycle starts again and I find myself back in fear land..

Things were actually pretty good this week until another close friend gave me a "wake up call" conversation where he essentially accused me of making excuses for her and that I should just get rid of her, he went through a relationship with a similar girl so I know he's projecting a lot of his anger from that, but still on some level I know he's right.. I just didn't need to be thrown back into "questioning" everything land so hard.

 

I think all in all i've just been through a LOT in the past 6 months, and I am admittedly very weak and fragile right now, it really is just one day at a time for me.. and sometimes these past few months feel like years.