only interested in women who are already taken

[Forget Myself]

I don't know when it started happening, but i have earned the reputation of being the guy among my friends who dates women whom aren't single. I don't know why this happens, but it never usually lasts very long, although it tends to be very passionate, and they usually end up leaving their s.o. for me. in some cases even their marriage, and getting divorced.

 

I'm not sure why, but my best relationships have been with girls who are unavailable and we start dating under very unstable grounds. my most recent ex was married when we started dating, and she was the most significant heartbreak for me. she left her husband to be with me, and when it didn't work out a few months later i was devastated, and i don't know why, because i expected it not to work out anyway.

 

I guess i just want to know if this is normal or if other people do similar things. I have many very beautiful female friends, but often I am not attracted to them until they are seeing someone else, and often I become a source of stress in their relationship, and a source of comfort for the woman at the same time. why do things happen this way? my girlfriend left me for one of her best friends too. and I guess i'm just trying to make sense of the whole psychology behind it, because i honestly can't see her being attracted to this guy. but maybe he has become the same thing to her as i have to my female best friends? it really bugs me. has anyone had a similar experience?

[annie24]

I suspect that you have some problems with commitment. if you are always falling for women who can't get into a relationship with you, then it seems like you're picking them because of that.

[Fudgie]

I suspect that you have some problems with commitment. if you are always falling for women who can't get into a relationship with you, then it seems like you're picking them because of that.

 

I agree with this. Attached girls who are willing to cheat will give you the sex that you want, without the emotional or physical commitment that a relationship would entail.

 

I think you need to work on this if you want to have a healthy relationship.

 

In the meantime, I would stop picking off girls who are in relationships. That's just mean. I would contact single girls for NSA sex or maybe a hooker, if you are looking for sex.

[Mesemene]

I'll agree with the above and hazard a guess that if a woman leaves her relationship to be with you - she's no longer so attractive?

 

Might be partly the illicit thrill ride, but sounds like the unavailability to you makes them "safe" as far as them making any demands on you that you don't want to or aren't ready to meet.

[superfox]

I think part of the problem is you having to 'win' these girls when you have so many single ones to choose from. You really think so little of yourself that you have to prove you can get them? That is how you come accross to me but I did know another guy who did similar. His problem was that he had to be the knight in shining armour and save these poor hard done to wives. Once he'd rescue them, he'd move onto the next. Either way it's not a relationship either of you are after but a huge ego boost.

[caveman91]

Yes, I can relate. In my age demographic, women in relationships are definitely the "low-hanging fruit". Married/in-relationship women are far more likely to assertively flirt. A lot of them do it with their S.O.'s sitting right beside them. Their S.O.'s usually even feel its safe, but it's just the illusion of being safe. But when their S.O. get up to go to the restroom (or whatever), the flirting seems to intensify.

 

Now for me personally (and this is just a personal choice), I draw a "hard-line" between married women and women in relationships (even live-in). To me marriage, is the ultimate level of commitment. I don't cross lines with married women. Married women have asked me outright for sex, and no matter how attractive...I say no. But non-married women in relationships are fair game (not that it's a game....it's not).

 

Especially if these married women have children, I personally do not want to have anything to do with a woman leaving her husband. I don't want to be part of the reason that "little bobby" or "little susie" doesn't get to live in the same house as their daddy. That's just me, and like I said that is a personal choice.

 

A grey area that I struggle with is women in non-married relationships with children and the children clearly view that man as their daddy. I'm not sure what to do with this grey area. Luckily (maybe its just the people I run into) this one doesn't come up too much.

 

But anyways, you aren't alone. Women in marriages/relationships are certainly the "low-hanging fruit." Single women are far less likely to associate their own personal unhappiness with a man who isn't quite filling their needs. And therefore, single women seem to be far less likely to see me as the answer to their problems.

[erzerum7]

It's adultery and really disgusting. I hope no children were involved, as breaking up marriages and engagements is horrible enough.

 

Your problem is that you don't have a proper sense of right and wrong. It is wrong to make sexual advances on someone who is already committed to someone else.

[Ms Darcy]

It seems to me that you are more bothered that your gf left you than your proclivity to encourage unfaithfulness. Is that correct?

[Fudgie]

Caveman,

 

I completely disagree. I think in a monogamous relationship, it's just as bad to cheat, even though you're not married. When you make that commitment, you make that commitment...regardless if you have the legal rights of marriage or not. You're really invalidating many non-married couples because you don't see them as committed as married couples.

 

I suggest you stay away from all coupled women.

[Fudgie]

I forgot to add Caveman,

 

How would you feel if you got a girlfriend, and there was a man who was coveting her, would you be angry? Or is it okay for him to try and get with her just because she's your girlfriend, and not your wife? I mean, that's "fair game", right? You really don't have any right to get angry. If you want to commit to her, you better put a ring on that woman right away!

 

/sarcasm

[Ariel85]

You do this because you never have to be genuinely vulnerable, nor involve yourself emotionally in anything "real".

 

When you have affairs and consider them your best relationships, it's either because you grew up with infidelity, feel so insecure that you need to feel you need "win" someone, or simply lack the ability to bond on a true intimate level.

 

I think it's awesome you're realizing the pattern. Next step is professional help.

[chitown9]

You do this because you never have to be genuinely vulnerable, nor involve yourself emotionally in anything "real".

 

When you have affairs and consider them your best relationships, it's either because you grew up with infidelity, feel so insecure that you need to feel you need "win" someone, or simply lack the ability to bond on a true intimate level.

 

I think it's awesome you're realizing the pattern. Next step is professional help.

 

This is absolutely right on target. OP, if you continue down the same path you have been on you are going to become a lonely, old man. Please get the assistance of a therapist who can help you change this pattern....chi

[Forget Myself]

I should have put this a different way.. I do not chase after women who are in relationships, it's just that my last two relationships started while the woman was still involved with her ex, and ended with the girl leaving her ex for me. I certainly would never go after a married woman, she was the one who was unhappy and came after me. And the only reason I think it bothered me so much was that we did get really close in the end. I guess I'm just wondering why women do that. And since I'm getting older now, it seems everyone is dating someone already anyway, and I have a lot of very attractive friends, so it makes sense that they are always dating someone.

 

I guess I'm just wondering how dating is supposed to really work, in that fantasy dream world way, if people are always in relationships. I mean, how can you really find a great person who is single, other than by going to a dating site where they advertise their singleness. Which is nothing I'm interested in doing anyway. And trust me I am never getting involved with a woman again while she is still involved with her s.o. or ex. I learned my lesson and I know things now about relationships that I didn't know before. I guess you could say I was somewhat in the dark, and naive about things. I had believed it would all work out, and our situation was special and different. The reality is that situations like that can never really work, and it is exactly like what first comes to mind. bad news.

 

I'm just curious how many other people out there have gotten involved with someone who is still tangled in other relationships and how they worked out in the long run. I'm curious to know other people's experiences with this in relation to my own, and if this is a more common thing that happens than most people would care to admit.

[Ariel85]

I do not chase after women who are in relationships, it's just that my last two relationships started while the woman was still involved with her ex

 

Um...sounds like you most definitely ARE getting involved with women that are taken and in other relationships. lol. Isn't that the title of this thread???

 

I think if you can say your "best" relationships were with women that were already involved with someone else, then I doubt you've learned your lesson. You still seem to glorify and romanticize these types of dynamics.

 

While at the same time, you eschew those who do online dating and advertise themselves as being single. Um...that is who you should be looking for. Single people. You make it sound like the only women you find valuable are those that aren't single.

 

I don't think it's very common for healthy people to get involved with those that are still involved with someone else.

[Forget Myself]

I think if you can say your "best" relationships were with women that were already involved with someone else, then I doubt you've learned your lesson. You still seem to glorify and romanticize these types of dynamics.

 

I said my best relationships STARTED that way. And it wasn't because they were involved with another person that made it special, that ended very fast after we got together. I'm just saying they were the best in terms of how we were together, the relationship itself was troublesome and lacked a solid foundation. but the compatibility and the connection between us was very real and different, which also points to my own growth as far as being a better partner. People DO move from relationship to relationship, and this is often how it happens. Stop bashing me with advice I don't need please.

 

While at the same time, you eschew those who do online dating and advertise themselves as being single.

 

I never said that. I don't care what other people do, I'm just saying it's not for me. I'll repeat from my last post why this thread is here. "I'm just curious how many other people out there have gotten involved with someone who is still tangled in other relationships and how they worked out in the long run. I'm curious to know other people's experiences with this in relation to my own."

 

Basically I want to know what people's experiences have been like as far as being on the receiving end of GIGS. Being the 'reboundee'. Does it ever work out, is there trust issues, do they know about their last partner, and do they end up leaving again for someone else after a period of time?

[annie24]

I've definitely been involved with men who were already in relationships and honestly, it did not turn out well. it just drags on and on, he tells me why he doesn't like his gf, but yet, somehow, he doesn't leave her. from experience, i won't do that again. There is a book, "If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single?" It touches on these sorts of relationships - basically, people are commitmentphobes and are standing in their own way of a successful relationship.

[Ariel85]

I said my best relationships STARTED that way. And it wasn't because they were involved with another person that made it special

 

This is what you said in your OP:

 

my best relationships have been with girls who are unavailable and we start dating under very unstable grounds. my most recent ex was married when we started dating.

 

I have many very beautiful female friends, but often I am not attracted to them until they are seeing someone else, and often I become a source of stress in their relationship.

 

I think now that you've put it out there, seeing it in print may not be quite so lovely. Don't run from it and be so defensive.

 

Again, to answer your new question a second time, no, healthy people do not gravitate to married or taken people over and over. Some people have made that mistake once, learn from it, and don't repeat. You seem to exclusively only want taken women and no, that's not common, nor is it healthy.

[Hollyj]

This is what you said in your OP:

 

my best relationships have been with girls who are unavailable and we start dating under very unstable grounds. my most recent ex was married when we started dating.

 

I have many very beautiful female friends, but often I am not attracted to them until they are seeing someone else, and often I become a source of stress in their relationship.

 

I think now that you've put it out there, seeing it in print may not be quite so lovely. Don't run from it and be so defensive.

 

Again, to answer your new question a second time, no, healthy people do not gravitate to married or taken people over and over. Some people have made that mistake once, learn from it, and don't repeat. You seem to exclusively only want taken women and no, that's not common, nor is it healthy.

 

I agree with Ariel.

 

OP, you seem to be changing things around and have become defensive when we focus on your behavior.

 

You seem to be interested in attached women because they are unavailable. I think you like the challenge of attaining someone who is attached-great for the ego-but when it comes down to something real and you have to follow through on your word, you bail. You are incapable of being responsible in a 'relationship' and carrying it through to something sustaining-But, how can one expect to have something healthy, when it began on unhealthy terms.

 

I highly suggest you get counseling and deal with your trust issues, as you don't want to be known as the creep who has no character, and pursues attached women. blech!!!