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tired of feeling lonely


ohboo

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So, I'm 31 years old, and all my friends are married or living with their significant others. I live downtown in a major city, and they all live north, in the suburbs, starting their families. I got this great job, that I've wanted for years, about a year ago, and I love it. I travel a lot for work, and the hours are all over the place, so it keeps me quite busy. If I do end up with spare time though, I have to drive nearly an hour north if I want to see my friends. Which means I never get to drink, because I'm driving, and they always want to hang at one of their houses, or a local pub in the burbs, with their significant others all in a group. So, I'm always like the 5th, 7th, 9th wheel kinda thing... It sucks.

 

I hate that I feel this way, because they are my friends and I love them. I should want to hang with them, but instead, I'd rather stay home alone because I'm starting to feel annoyed. I stay home nearly every friday and saturday night. Let me tell you, I rent a lot of movies lol! At first, when I got this job, it was good, I enjoyed the alone time as the job was so busy. But now, nearly a year later, and I'm wondering, what's the point in life if all I'm doing is working eating and sleeping and working again... Seems pointless really. I love my job, or at least I did. Now though, I'm so lonely and bored, that my motivation at work has gone down, a lot! I used to be one of the top people on my team, and I wanted to do so well, I tried so hard all the time, like an over acheiver! I wanted to impress my boss, which I did. But lately, I'm tired, all the time. And I don't even go out or do anything, so I don't understand it. I stayed in bed the entire day today, not sleeping, just watching tv and playing around on the internet. Basically, I lay around doing nothing all the time if I'm not working. And, I work from home, which makes this all even worse, because it's hard enough to get motivated to work normal hours when you work home, let alone when you are feeling lonely and unmotivated and perhaps a bit depressed.

 

I want to see my friends, but I have nothing in common with them anymore. They talk about their weddings, their honeymoons, their house purchases of bbq's and drapes and silly things like that, house renovations and babies... I'm still renting! And in a crappy part of town none the less. I feel like I'm never going to have what any of them have. I make ok money, but it's not great. And I'm starting to think I'm going to be alone forever. I don't have anyone to go to a bar with me so I can meet a guy or stuff like that. I can't commit to being on any sports teams because I travel so much for work, and I can't afford a gym membership.

 

Everyone always says to join a team or some sort of activity like a hobby to get out there, but I can't with my schedule. I'm at a loss. Lately, I think I'd like to just buy sleeping pills to use everynight so I can just sleep as soon as I'm done working, so that I won't have to stay up all night feeling so bad about myself, and my life. I'm starting to think I'll be alone forever. I broke up with my ex last summer, just a little over a year ago, and at first when I got this job, I didn't care that I was single. Loved the job, and was totally motivated in it. Loved spending time alone when I was done working... but now, I'm starting to feel so lonely that it's making me think I should try to find a bf, but I have no idea how to even do that.

 

I'm at a loss as to how to fix these feelings, and they are getting worse. I know there are others that feel this way... Are there any that have felt this way and come out of it? If so, how? And please don't say by getting a significant other, because really I don't even have anything on the horizon as far as that is concerned, and if I keep hanging out with married people, I'll never meet someone! lol.

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right now, the job is the only thing i like about my life. I thought about the fact that it takes up a lot of my time, but before this job I had one that was just 9-5 monday to friday, and I had all this spare time, and nothing to do because my friends are so busy with their families. This job, I think, is the only thing that gets me through day to day stuff. It makes me feel good about myself, because I'm good at it, and it's a good career job for me. There has to be some other way to feel better, I really don't want to leave this job

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lol same suggestion as above ^^ the good sites are the ones you have to pay for though, and google the person if you ever agree to meet in person. or volunteer work, even if its just a couple days a week you can still get out and meet new people.

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Can you get involved in an organization to volunteer your time? When you volunteer it can be on your own schedule. Once people get married their life does indeed become different and it is harder to relate to them as they seem to be caught up in the world of white picket fences, home renovations, and all the not so fascinating things their child just did in the last hour. Time to look for new friends.

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have you tried online dating? I also think you should maybe try to find some new friends or take up a new hobby. i'm not saying you should ditch your married friends - not at all! just that i think it would be good for you to have some single friends to go out with from time to time. no one wants to be the 3rd wheel, i agree.

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My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, and don't allow your job performance to slip. Refresh your gratitude for your position during this global recession, and turn your job back into your rock of achievement for the moment--build pride into it again.

 

From there you've got a solid foundation on which to build. Tricky, I know given your hours, but consider adding two or three sessions of therapy into your monthly calendar to combat depression.

 

Depression can sink the strongest ship, so work backwards in addressing your social life. Work it from the inside out--starting with changing the depressive thinking that spirals you downward. That sucks all your energy, which keeps you paralyzed--and worse, it tricks your psyche into believing that you can't be inspired and that this is a permanent state. It's not, it just feels like it. Recognize the difference, and talk ourself OUT of adopting blanket thinking--that's a bad habit, and it's what stagnates you. Habits can be changed.

 

By therapy, I don't mean going to an MD for meds--I mean talk therapy, preferably with an MSW rather than a psychologist unless the psychologist specializes in social behaviors and has group and other resources actively at his/her disposal. Otherwise, the therapist may be more academic than you need--interview a therapist during assessment and ask whether he/she can include social coaching into your sessions.

 

The right social worker can help monitor depression and also help with the kind of brainstorming and steps you'll need to work to find your best reach. This is unique to everyone. We can suggest joining a church group or other trite ideas that have zero to do with your private interests and goals--so work with someone who its TRAINED to help you design reasonable and achievable plans. This will keep you accountable to someone so you won't sink into bed.

 

I hope you'll also consider writing back here for updates and idea exchanges. I can't fit all of mine into one post, but I'm in your corner and understand.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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Time for some new friends, then.

 

I understand that a job involving travel can make it challenging to schedule outside stuff. But there are lots of volunteer agencies that allow you to do just one event, and pick and choose when that happens.

 

You can also take fun classes in subjects that you have always wanted to try, and as an adult, let your instructor know that you do travel for work but you are choosing to take the class for your own benefit. Most teachers are understanding of that. Or, you can take a class that is just for one weekend.

 

And just because you can't afford a gym doesn't mean you can't exercise. Join a running or walking group- they don't require you to be there every time. Or go out to walk/run on your own.

 

There are tons of things to do that don't hold you to a schedule. You have to do research and have an open mind.

 

What your friends are doing has nothing to do with you. It doesn't mean anything about where you are in your life.

 

I do disagree with those advocating internet dating. The idea that a boyfriend will change things is not entirely true. It will put a band-aid on the problem, which is really that you don't have good friends close by that support you. What happens if you get into relationship and start depending on that for a social life, and then it ends?

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Thanks for your responses!

 

I have dealt with a therapist in the past for depression and anxiety, but I thought I was past all that. I dealt with a particularily bad relationship and breakup last summer, quite well, and thought I was much stronger and over the depression. When I got this job, everything seemed to be going in the right direction, and I was on top of the world.

 

Bulletproof, I agree. Internet dating is not the answer. I did try it, but to be honest, it's just not for me. It gets your hopes all up when you start talking to someone because you think they look a certain way (based on their pics) and that they are a certain way (based on their emails or phonecalls), then you meet them in person only to find that none of that was the case at all. Such a let down.

 

My friends are getting on my last nerve lately too. They feel pity for me for not having someone, so anytime they meet someone who is single, they tell me about them and that I should give it a shot and that I shouldn't be so picky! Like, as if at this point in my life, I should just take what I can get!! Pisses me off. I know I deserve what I want, and that a man is not the solution to any of life's problems. It's annoying that they pity me, and it makes me rather stay home alone than hang with them. I don't need pity. I just need to figure out how to make my life more full with this silly schedule I have.

 

Volunteering actually sounds like a really good idea!!! I love people, and I know I'm lacking in the social interaction department lately. Also, volunteering means that I could do it when I have time, which is perfect. Another good thing about it, is that the quality of people I'd meet doing that, would most likely be really decent people! I'm definitely going to look into that!

 

Thanks guys

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