returned things and got this email- really mad!

[BlueRose66]

Returned things today and got mine-then went to lunch- had Thai- didnt shed a tear.

 

Get home to get this message

 

Thanks, I know how hard this was... I am always here for you.....

 

I wrote back, that it wasnt as hard as you think and that you werent there for me in the way I needed and wanted, didnt respect me. Why and how could you "Be there for me now"

 

I am so mad to have my feelings and thoughts presumed for me. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW F'N DARE SHE? Why cant she leave me alone, spare the pity and leave me my dignity.

[annie24]

I'm sorry!! Definitely let out your anger, it will help with moving on.

[DN]

Well, it's too late but perhaps that message would have been better left unsent. In future when you want to write back an angry response, write it but don't click send until you have reviewed it the next day.

[BlueRose66]

Why better unsent? In this case? I would rather set the record straight that I am not pining away. I dont want her pity or her help.

[DN]

Well, it was a little rough. But it's not a big deal I suppose. Certainly I understand why you wanted to send it.

[learning2relax]

I think DN's point is that your response shows her that you have a reaction. Thus you might not classify it as "hard" it is a reaction and she gets the satisfaction knowing that you are still emotional through your response.

 

That is all. You might be too close to it to even realize.

[thejigsup]

DN is right. If I had received a message like that from a guy, I would realize that I still had all the power. That was not wise if you want her to think you are healing and she means nothing to you. Your response shows her very well that is was, indeed, hard for you.

[BlueRose66]

Of course I have a reaction, no games here. I also expressed my anger and dissapointment in not being respected when it would have been so easy for her to do so. She does have all the power, the power to apologize to me for her part in the BU, the power to look at herself. All I can do is put out what I feel honestly.

 

Now that all things have been exchanged and money matters settled--- Day 1 NC.

 

If I hear from her again then I will certainly not reply.

 

BTW- I really agree with not sending off emails in the heat of the moment. I just thought it was really rude and insensitive what she wrote and as badly as I may have botched it, I was trying to protect my diginity and self respect.

[Mishmon]

Well, it's too late but perhaps that message would have been better left unsent. In future when you want to write back an angry response, write it but don't click send until you have reviewed it the next day.

Definitely! I've wrote one msg few evenings ago, didnt sent it, next day i felt relief cos i didnt sent it. If we keep letting them know how vulnerable we are, we are opening ourselves to get another disappointment. Blaming and attacking doesn't make me feel any better anyway. It's a road to nowhere.

[dabbledave]

"Thanks, I know how hard this was... I am always here for you....."

 

I know it sucks, and I don't know her or the context of your relationship with her, but on face value the words she wrote do not seem rude or intentionally insensitive.

 

On face value it seems that she's offering friendship (sounds familiar!), which I know is not want you want to hear ...

 

Process your anger; embrace it and soothe it. Soon you'll be ready to forgive her and forgive yourself and start truly healing.

 

Take care,

 

DD

[BlueRose66]

Thanks DD....

 

Exactly, offering friendship......... I have plenty of friends, I have a handyman. I'm hurting bad because she didnt give me simple things like respect in the relationship. She would just do things even though she knew I didnt like it.

 

She cant be there for me at all. Its over forever and in her response to me though it seems innocent enough it shows how truly apart we are.

 

I have some Buddhist books on healing and embracing anger. I need to break them out.

 

I had to cut a big beautiful tree down outside, but we left the branches long. On it are several birdhouses she made me. I bought some some Buddhist prayer flags to decorate it. I may write some letters on it expressing my feelings and pin them to the tree and let the sun and wind take them away.

 

Your gently response helped me go beneath the anger to the intense pain and sadness that is there. Thank you for the healing cry............

[PaintWithLight]

I know it sucks, and I don't know her or the context of your relationship with her, but on face value the words she wrote do not seem rude or intentionally insensitive.

 

On face value it seems that she's offering friendship (sounds familiar!), which I know is not want you want to hear ...

 

Process your anger; embrace it and soothe it. Soon you'll be ready to forgive her and forgive yourself and start truly healing.

 

Take care,

 

DD

 

Exacty. Ignore the words of what she wrote. They are just something she put out there to ease her own mind and to play the role of the dignified, calm, mature party. And you responded in the role of the angry, hurt and bitter party.

 

Do not play the roles she is assigning you. Begin NC and make your life the best you can! Good luck.

[learning2relax]

BR66,

 

You are simply moving through the stages of grief. It is a mixture of emotions and no fun. I am 45 and I will tell you, I never realized that it gets harder as you get older. You are more invested. Recognize that is what it is, that is where you are at and forgive yourself. Allow yourself. And most of all, be patient with yourself. You will get through this, we all do.

 

Remember that just a short while ago, you were the one that was offering her friendship. Maybe she is just at a different place then you are.....right now. This too will change.

 

One thing that I have come to realize is that in the relationship, we tend to move together. Once it is broken, the two people that were once together are now moving at different paces. And because it is not linear, it is confusing at best. One is at one stage, the other at a different one, then it gets confusing as one moves back to a stage they were in previously and the other is now yet in another place, the logic is hard to find. I think that is one of the reasons that so many have stated here that the best is to have the longest period apart. You both work through the stages. You both let the emotions dissipate and you no longer are over analyzing because of the emotions and lack of synchronicity.

 

You are doing fine. You will get there. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be angry, to be sad, to be fearful, to mourn. It is what is best for you at this time that matters most. Try not to read so much into her actions or words. Just focus on you. One step at a time my friend, one step at a time.

[BlueRose66]

Learning 2 Relax, Thank you so much! Now I feel bad about the nasty email I sent. My pride was really hurt, and I felt so vulnerable to her. I am 51 and I thought we would be together forever. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions, one day just fine, the next day angry, the next sad, the next wanting to bargain if only.....

 

I know its important to feel those feelings whatever they are. I agree with having a positive outlook and having gratitude is a great way to heal, but and a big but I wont get there if I am not true to myself and what I am feeling in the moment. What I dont want to do, is vent those feelings inappropriately like I did the other night- I lashed out! I have this board to vent to- that is appropriate.

 

I know I just cannot have any contact with her at all at this point, and probably not for a good long while. I do wish to be a part of her life, as I love/loved? her very much. I just dont want to be the ex that is now the friend. I know that sounds selfish but its what I feel. I dont think she is capable of giving me what I want and need. It really isnt her fault, she is at her max and she gave me the best she could with what she has and who she is. Its so very sad. I have so many regrets too, if only I hadnt been drinking and said mean things, if only, if only.

 

Today, I took the little note off of the tennis ball that hangs in my garage and that tells me where to stop while parking. On the note is says "Welcome home, I love you" She may not have been the greatest communicator but she did the sweetest things for me..

 

I know I am just so mixed up still, I am a mess. You are right that people process in thier own way and its also cyclical. I go through a stage and think, thank god that is over. Then a few days down the road its baaaacckkkk... AGHHHHHHH!!! LOL

 

Thank you again for your support xo

[Stormcap]

Oh man, I know exactly how you feel. I got an email from my ex after the BU where she wished me "the best" because "I deserved it", and I also got a couple of "God bless you's" and a "Best wishes". I think they try to be nice but have no idea how much those words hurt. I didn't reply to the email, just got angry like you and hit my pillow, and then went for a run. You have to understand they know how we feel about them, they know we are heartbroken, and they know it's because of them, so they are full of themselves right now. From their perspective, there's no way out without hurting us, because if they don't respond, then we are going to think they suck, and if they respond something other than "I want you back I love you with all my heart", they suck, LOL!! So they take the less harmful road by being "nice", although for us that condescending tone is just a knife through the chest... My advice is to take your anger out in a good and creative way (break some stuff that she gave you, I did that and it felt good! and then just let it go, stop thinking about it, because any way you read it, it's going to hurt.