'For now' or Forever??

[fireflies23]

Ive been with my boyfriend a year now and beginning to realise that he has no intentions of a serious future with me. I am 23 and he is 27; i'm at a point now where I want to be with someone who WANTS to stay with me for the long-run, otherwise I really dont see the point in developing a relationship.

He's very much logical/rational about things and tends not to look ahead further than several months (in all areas of life) He isnt comfortable expressing how he feels so therefore I am often left feeling uncertain about his actual feelings towards me; although he tells me he loves me frequently. Many friends have asked why we havent considered moving in together as that is what would make sense in our current situation but honestly whilst id love to do so, I just KNOW he wouldnt and he hasnt mentioned the possibility of it in the future. He has commented on how if we were having to handle long-distance permanently (we have been for a few months now) then he's not sure if he could do it. In a years time he moves even further away and it feels like that is the set cut-off date for relationship.

I realise alot of this is my own insecurity.. but Im more insecure because he doesnt show any sign of commitment. The one time I did ask if he was serious about us he said 'of course, you know I love you'.. and that was that. It doesnt make me feel any better somehow.

 

I cant go on feeling this anxious over it all because its affecting the relationship at the moment. Everyones advice is to 'enjoy it for now'.. but I dont want 'for now', I want potentially forever. Thats not to say I want a proposal..of course not.. I just want reassurance that he IS serious about me.. And if he isnt, I can prepare to move on.

[DN]

You need to ask him these questions.

[LDRohnos]

You're still young...23. If you were in your 30's and looking to start a family I would say the time is of the essence. You have the luxury of time at your disposal. I have to agree with your friends in that you should just enjoy the time you guys are spending together. Don't rush into a relationship for the sake of marriage alone, it's something you could end up regretting more down the line than if you took your time. I would just approach him about this and see what he thinks.

[fireflies23]

You need to ask him these questions.

One thing I forgot to mention is that I plan on doing so in a months time when he has finished his exams. Hes VERY work-oriented and these exams are vital to his career, so hes been quite stressed revising for them. It would be cruel and selfish of me to throw in all of this on top of that. So yes, I need to wait until then to bring it all up.. hence why I am posting here for guidance first, and just generally to vent.

 

You're still young...23. If you were in your 30's and looking to start a family I would say the time is of the essence. You have the luxury of time at your disposal. I have to agree with your friends in that you should just enjoy the time you guys are spending together. Don't rush into a relationship for the sake of marriage alone, it's something you could end up regretting more down the line than if you took your time. I would just approach him about this and see what he thinks.

 

Thankyou. I know, its just that, in my mind ,a year is long enough to know if you want to settle with someone.. and he doesnt seem to be on the same page. I am trying to 'enjoy the moment' etc etc, but its hard when one of my main life priorities is to settle down and have a family.

[fireflies23]

Bumping this because I really need some support

[sugarbeet]

Hi Fireflies,

 

You seem to be very thoughtful about all of this and trying to be as considerate and kind as possible. You really feel that asking him to talk now versus a month from now would be a big burden? You know him best so perhaps you are right and it is best just to vent here for now. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I assume that in the past when he says, "of course, you know i love you..." you haven't asked any follow up questions, like "do you see us together long-term?"

In almost all my relationships (which have all ended btw- including an engagement- so this is no guarantee of success, but in each case i think the dude did see a future- just didn't work out) there is banter between the two of us about future plans... where we would like to live, pets we would like to own, etc... silly stuff like that. i assume that isn't part of your regular?

 

have you talked to him about moving in? it seems like you are afraid to talk to him- to come accross as pushing. while i understand that impulse- believe me- communication is really important. Especially about teh big things-- your feelings are big things.

 

You are very young. I know it doesn't feel like it now. And the others are right about trying to enjoy. I've spent so many relationships looking for clues. It drive both of you nuts. So to whatever extent you can, enjoy it. When that isn't enough, post here and we will try to help you unravel the clues you aren't supposed to be looking for.

[mhowe]

I guess I have to disagree with the "a year is enough time" to know if you want to settle with someone. Maybe for you ---- but not for everyone. And especially to make a lifetime commitment.