My twin.

[Gimpyrks]

I am off 2000 miles away from home attending school. When I left, I told my twin to look after my Mom (no she isn't in ill health but my Mom means the world to me).My sister promised she would. For a few weeks after my Mom left me here to go back home I would ask my twin how my Mom was (because I know my Mom wouldn't tell me if she was crying, upset, etc). I have been away from home for a month and I am very upset with my twin right now, for many reasons.

And the main reason she is being the way she is, is because she has a boyfriend:

1) She hasn't tried to contact me for over a week. I have gotten to the point that I told myself she is going to contact me, I'm done doing all the work (this is my twin, someone who I talked to EVERYDAY up until now..and it's really hard)

2) She is treating my mom like crap, and not looking out for her. When I was home I always asked my Mom how her day was, because that way she had someone to talk to if she was stressed. Now my twin is making all the stress.

3) She only thinks about her boyfriend! And she blames everyone else for her not doing well in school.

 

There is so much more but it's hard to explain. I love my twin..she's my best friend. Its hard enough to be so far away from home, but now I know that my Mom is stressing over her, and doesn't have someone readily to talk to. I want to be home so I can smack her and show her what she is doing! I'm just upset and there isn't anything I can do from over 2000 miles away...

 

Is there anything I can do?

[DN]

How do you know she is treating your mother badly?

[Gimpyrks]

My Mom tells me (because I ask), mostly because I haven't been in touch with my twin. And also my twin is lately posting things like "I'm goign to leave and never come back" and how she is going to move out. And she never posts stuff like that unless her and Mom aren't on the same page. It's hard I hate seeing my twin bashing my Mom like that.

[DN]

It is not unusual for siblings to have different dynamics with their parents. I think this is something that should be worked out between them and you should keep out of it. Obviously you should comfort your mother but do not engage in twin-bashing.

[Gimpyrks]

I don't want to upset her, but just make her realize what she is doing. Her attitude is so innapropriate. Like, she decided that she wasn't going to be home this weekend, and she left my mom a NOTE saying that she was going to be gone all weekend, didn't tell her left a lousy note. I mean..my Mom deserves so much more respect then that. What gets me the most is that it's all because she has a bf. When she gets a bf that's her life and anyone that doesn't like him is just "trying to make her unhappy".

[annony]

I don't want to upset her, but just make her realize what she is doing. Her attitude is so innapropriate. Like, she decided that she wasn't going to be home this weekend, and she left my mom a NOTE saying that she was going to be gone all weekend, didn't tell her left a lousy note. I mean..my Mom deserves so much more respect then that. What gets me the most is that it's all because she has a bf. When she gets a bf that's her life and anyone that doesn't like him is just "trying to make her unhappy".

 

Honestly that strikes me as being nit picky.

Your sibling doesn't have to look after your mother and treat her like she's made of eggshells, even if that's what you used to do.

A note isn't as disrespectful as you seem to think it is, and it's certainly not worth starting a war over.

Your sibling is not you, that's for sure. She's not as close with your mother as you, that's for sure.

Trust that your mother is an adult and will be able to survive on her own without you.

[Deciduous]

How do you know she is treating your mother badly?

 

Hi Gimpyrks,

 

Well quite! Like DN, I seem to have missed that explanation. I know you love your Mother dearly and that is to be admired, but this is a grown woman in charge of her own life.

 

You say she isn't suffering from ill health. She is just dealing with the readjustment that comes with empty nest syndrome. I don't think your twin can help her with that, unless she chooses to give up adulthood for good.

 

This really is time for Mum to start carving out her own social base and her own interests.

 

Your twin seems like the average young adult in the throes of a young love. All very average and to be expected. A swift smack is hardly likely to cure her of the affliction, although you can certainly try.

 

Early love is obsessive and narrow-minded. You think of nothing else except your beloved. Even her school work seems to be going down the drain, but that is her business and her responsibility. You cannot talk her out of love. Various chemical changes are released into the brain, which have been likened to a swift hit of heroin in its potency. High dopamine, low serotonin, oxycontin etc.

 

Nature own cocktail so good luck waging war against it. You won't win. Very little enters our tiny brains when we are in the throes of love. Only thoughts of our beloved seen important. When we will see them?, how to secure their love? All entirely normal. You can't explain this phenomenon to another unless they've experienced it themselves.

 

All you need to know is that she is beyond rational, reasoning for now. You'd be better off trying to repair your relationship than scold her for her normal emotions, which will only alienate her further.

 

It seems that you are struggling with the changes in your families dynamics. Once you were the chief confidant of your sister. Now it seems she has another. From 2000 miles away you are trying to keep the same family dynamics that you had as a child. It's heartbreaking to witness the changes that are taking place, but most of them were inevitable. I don't doubt your sincere pain and worry over your Mother and sister, but what can you do - except advise them with love. They are both now responsible for themselves.

 

Build bridges with your sister. You won't regret it. And as a bonus you will hold more influence with the carrot than with the stick.

 

If there is something key that I have missed, then do please write again.

 

Good luck

 

Deci

[sunnyhappydays]

This is going to sound harsh but... if you were so concerned about your mom, why did you leave? It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it. You want to run off and have adventures but have your twin at home do the work of taking care of your mom so that you don't feel guilty.

 

If you feel this is life or death, then transfer home. If you feel that it is irritating but not serious or dangerous then stop badmouthing your twin to your mom and stop nagging her. Encourage your mom to adjust to this new reality and get on with your life where you are!

[Gimpyrks]

For the major I wanted to go for I had to leave. There are no vet schools in my state, and the one that striked my interest the most was this far away.

 

It's not life or death, I just feel like my sister is desprespecting our Mother, after all she has done for us. My Mom deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. She doesn't deserve to be ignored by her daughter and come second to a guy..I don't nag my twin, I haven't talked to her (again she has chosen this guy over family)...I will admit I always find it hard to understand her reasoning. I try to put myself in her shoes..but I have never chosen a guy over family, no matter how much I liked the guy. I guess I am more aggrivated because this is the second time she has done this (but she had another guy) and she said she wouldn't do it again and realized how much she put the family through.

 

When she has a boyfriend she is so different, personality wise and it irritates me. I haven't shared this with my sister I don't know if I will, because like you guys have said, it won't change anything and I realize it won't change anything because I tried in the past.

 

I guess "worry about my Mom" is too deep, for lack of a better word. I just want to make sure she is always okay and has someone to talk to. Granted there are plenty of people she can talk to, but I know she always talked to me about what was wrong, because I was so good at picking up when she was super stressed. I guess in a way I was kind of looking for my twin to step up and kind of fill my shoes in that aspect, and that might have been wrong of me, but I love my Mom.

 

My Mom as adjusted very well. When my older sister went to school my Mom was a wreck for the longest time (months), but when I left my Mom was calling me the next day laughing, but I always asked Tia if that was the truth or not, because I know my Mom wouldn't say if she was a wreck. She has done great, I just want to make sure she stays that way.

 

Everyone does have a point. We do have a different relationship with my Mom and I am way more family orientated then my sisters.

 

And despite what I may have been saying about my twin, I love her to death she IS my best friend, I guess that is why its also making this harder.

 

Also, I am very well adjusted myself. I miss home but I haven't been depressed or anything.

[petite]

The problem is not how your sister treats your mother - the problem is your expectation of your sister. The relationship is different with every child and your sister doesn't need you telling her how to treat your mother, unless she was doing something extremely unnecessary. It is not your sisters responsibility to be at your mothers back and call, they are both adults and are free to lead their lives as they choose.

 

My twin left home at 19 to attend school in another country, she only comes back for holidays but my siblings and I were never told by her how to treat our mother and we never told her when and how she should contact our parents. Unless there is some serious neglect there is no reason to expect your sister to have the same relationship as you have with your mother, and you don't have a right to ask her to be there when mommy needs a chat.

 

Your mother seems fine, there is nothing wrong with her and she is an adult. Depending too much on parents or children is not always a good thing, eventually you will both marry and have your own families, and whilst parents are big part of their kids lives, they do have to share them with other people - in particular their significant others.

 

1. Mom and you have a relationship

2. Mom and your sister have their own relationship

3. You and your twin have a separate relationship

There is absolutely no reason for anyone to tell their sibling how they should treat their parents, unless they are really downright disrespectful.

[Gimpyrks]

Thats the thing she is being down right disrespectful though. It's not just that she left a note to say she was gone for the weekend, but she's been giving my Mom and attitude ever since she met this guy and complains about everything. To me that is very disrespectful. If your parents put a roof over your head, feed you, give you clothing, etc you live by their rules. But my twin doesn't want to do this. She wants to be her own boss and yet still live under Mom's roof. That is disrespectful in my eyes and my sister was brought up that you live under Mom's roof it's her rules, and my mom's rules are not strict or too hard to follow. I realize I can't change her..but it's frustrating.

[DN]

Once you let go of the idea that you have to do something about this and realise that it isn't really your business - it will make your life a lot easier.

[Deciduous]

Can I ask how old you both are?

[catfeeder]

Your mom has been a fully functioning adult since long before she had you. If you respect her, then respect her capabilities to manage her own life and her relationship with her own daughters plural. You may get along with her better than your sister, but that's for them to work out. Your role is not to police your sister, it's to live your own life with respect for other adults to do the same.

 

Attempts to pull off the good twin bad twin game into adulthood will not help you mentally, emotionally or socially. It won't help anyone else, either.

[Gimpyrks]

We are 20. But again age doesn't matter when you live under your parents roof and not paying rent.

 

I'm not trying to play any game, I just want my twin to give my Mom the respect she deserves.