Does anyone else feel frustration after making changes and looking back?

[vel2011]

It's been 2 months since my ex gf broke up with me (2.5 yr relationship), and it was a very amicable, respectful BU.

 

I read alot of people posting on here saying what they have changed since being dumped, and how they wish they had done these things whilst still in the relationship, and how they wish their ex could see the changes they've made.

 

I've been NC for the whole time (she has intiated 3 times and we met last week). In this time I've changed alot of things (for myself, not her), but I realise alot of these things are a direct response to the BU.

 

After analysing my relationship alot and why essentially she went from being in love with me to deciding I'm not the one (therefore losing attraction I guess), I realise that I wasn't entirely happy with me and that she was the source of the majority of what I loved in my life.

 

I have since joined a gym and started working out (something my ex would have loved), reconnected with a lot of friends and started being more social and active (like I was before the relationship, as I had made my gf too much of a focal point of my life towards the end and become a bit lazy in organising things with friends), started reading more books, collecting and listening to more music, decided to learn a language, become a bit less worried about money, generally started being a bit more nonchalant about life in general and care-free / fun around people.

 

My question is this... I like to think that I knew I needed to do these things towards the end of the relationship because I'd become a bit easy, needy, less of a challenge and less of the fun attractive guy I was when we got together. That naturally leads to regrets, and wishing you could tun back time. But does anyone else feel that the changes they've made since being dumped wouldn't have happened without the BU? And then feel massive frustration that you left it too late, didn't analyse all this and concentrate on yourself more when you thought you had and were comfortably in love with an amazing person. And do people think that if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't BU with you and would give you the chance to show you can go back to being the person they fell in love with, or is it just a sad fact of life that it's too late and they will never see that you realise where you should have done things differently and have learnt from the relationship?

[catfeeder]

All deliberate changes for the better involve measuring your progress against the state you're leaving behind. While some people are fortunate enough to be their own inner catalyst for change, most of us change in response to something external--a loss, a goal, a discomfort.

 

While nobody can guarantee that an ex will have a change of heart after we've moved forward, moving forward is the best shot anybody has. Stagnating isn't attractive, and if ex ever wants to catch up with you on higher ground, you'll need to have made that leap to get there all by yourself, first.

 

Head high.

[Stay_home]

All deliberate changes for the better involve measuring your progress against the state you're leaving behind. While some people are fortunate enough to be their own inner catalyst for change, most of us change in response to something external--a loss, a goal, a discomfort.

 

While nobody can guarantee that an ex will have a change of heart after we've moved forward, moving forward is the best shot anybody has. Stagnating isn't attractive, and if ex ever wants to catch up with you on higher ground, you'll need to have made that leap to get there all by yourself, first.

 

Head high.

 

Where's the epic button?

[endy]

Where's the epic button?

 

Agreed. The most important job a man has in a relationship is holding, well really building attraction throughout the relationship. I don't look back in frustration. I look forward and see how I'm going to apply everything I learned and practice it with women any chance I get. It takes most people several meaningful relationships to get to a point they are ready to be in it for the long haul. Some people I feel never learn out of ignorance... or their ego is too big to never even get there. As in they blame everything on another person.

 

It's one thing to learn, it's another to actually apply what you learned which needs to be done. The truth is that relationship didn't work out for a very good reason. If you weren't holding her attraction as a man... then there was probably some logical, emotional, or sexual incompatibility. Either that or you just don't know how to build that attraction conciously. We all can do it subconciously, but you need to be conscious of it to build it. A lot of times people just need to learn from being in a relationship so they can be in a healthy one and be happy in the long term, not the short term.

 

I'm happy that hopefully my ex learned something. I know I did. Either way it wasn't going to work. She was broken, and has not learned enough to even attempt to be in a great thriving relationship, and honestly I was the same. Am I now? There's only one way to find out. Trial and error.

[tacs1895]

I can certainly identify with the OP. My break up sounds very similar (3 years together, her suddenly saying she wasn't attracted any more, and me realising that I wasn't really happy in myself). I had also become reliant on her in many ways (although in other ways, she had become reliant on me) and I have been working to make similar changes - be a bit braver, more outgoing, trying to build my self-confidence and self-esteem, therapy, trying to worry less about money, etc, etc. It's been a very slow process, and is still ongoing right now, which is 9 months post-breakup. I definitely still have a long way to go. These changes are big things go quite deep, so it's not been easy. Sometimes it feels like I'm getting there, other times not, and sometimes it feels as though plain old life circumstance conspires to get in the way even when my intentions and energy for change are there.

 

Certainly I feel frustrated and regretful that I couldn't have realised these things sooner, both in theory and in practice. But without the breakup, it may be that I would never have faced up to those things. Maybe in time I would have realised them even if the relationship hadn't ended, and it would have worked out it the end - but that is something we'll never know. What is certain, is that the break up did serve as a catalyst to make me face up to them right now, and that's what I've had to do. So it is the positive that's come out of the breakup - although that's not to say that I've actually felt positive much in the last nine months, mostly it's been horrendous. But I'm getting there, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. I wish I could have become the person who I want to become earlier. I wish she could see, or have seen, the person that I hope I'm going to be. But I try to remember not to blame myself for not being there yet.

 

 

 

I agree with most of this. Certainly I know that feeling of wishing I could turn back time. If I could have changed for the better sooner, while we were still together, then perhaps it could have worked out. But yes, I do think that probably I wouldn't have changed without the breakup. So in that sense I needed the breakup to happen, even though I didn't want it to. I think she did truly love me, although there are certainly times when I question it, because of the simple fact that she left. But if I accept that I wasn't happy in myself, then maybe I can't really blame her for leaving. I can't definitely say that she should have stayed and been with me as I worked it out. Maybe if she had stayed, then I would have just slipped into my old ways and nothing would have improved. It does hurt at times because it feels like she gave up on me. Did she give up too easily? Or was I too resistant to change at that time, so that eventually she had no other option but to leave?

 

As for whether it's too late? Who knows. All we can do is work with the reality of now, and make the most of now, even if it's not where we'd have chosen to be.

 

I think catfeeder's response is pretty much spot on.

[dabbledave]

I for one needed the break-up to wake up. I hit rock bottom emotionally in the aftermath but since then, over the past two and a half months or thereabouts, I've achieved levels of self-confidence and self-love I've never experienced before. I really am a better man than she met four and a half years ago!

 

I've told her about that AND she's seen it for herself ... but that's a different story (see sig for the full story).

 

As to whether I wish I had this insight and made these changes before BU ... of course! Have I ever felt frustrated by that? Of course!

 

But a key part of my healing journey and in many respects the catalyst for it was forgiveness; both of her and of myself.

 

In this link Bob Proctor talks about the power of forgiveness: link removed

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[lemsip]

This is a sad thread, although I can definitely relate to it: especially questioning "if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't BU with you and would give you the chance to show you can go back to being the person they fell in love with" I guess it's one of life's cruel ironies, that by the time you realise things need to change, it's too late.

 

I was confident, creative and outgoing at the start of our relationship but towards the end I had become needy and insecure. Ultimately that's why we split. I had become depressed and, truth be told, didn't really like my life. While my ex was content to settle in our home country and have kids asap there was always a niggling part of me that wanted more: to experience as much of the world as I could before I die.

 

I'll fully admit that towards the end of the relationship I was depressed and no fun to be around. But 3 months post BU, I'm now starting to realise that this was because deep down I knew it wasn't going to work between us. I was going along for the ride: living the life she wanted, as opposed to living my own and having the courage to follow my heart.

 

I loved her dearly, and she hurt me more than she will ever know, but it needed to happen.

 

Personally, I think everything you need to know about life can be summed up in this paragraph someone posted on twitter today:

link removed

 

It really struck a chord with me.

[purrbaby]

I am kind of on the other end of the spectrum with this. My ex had become dependent on me for many things: driving him places, he never did anything with his friends or family aside from when we did together, he focused entirely on just me. While the attention was great, he wouldn't do things that would allow him to grow as a person and become independent or that would allow for our relationship to grow. It became stagnant and boring. It lead to the end of our relationship because I just couldn't do it anymore (there were other issues too). I hope he grows from this breakup, I truly do. I hope he regains his friendships and relationships with his family he once had. I hope he gets his license and becomes a more independent person. I hope he figures out exactly what it is he wants in life. I was his first real serious, long term relationship so I hope he takes away as much as he can from our breakup.

[endy]

And WHAT exactly is that? LOSS OF ATTRACTION. Why? because he didn't know what he was doing was causing you to lose that attraction. Man's responsibility. I don't think it's completely ever always the man's fault. But men, take the responsibility of holding that attraction. The majority of females that leave relationships leave it for this reason. They may not understand it or call it that. But that specifically above is exactly what happened from a females perspective.

[lemsip]

My ex could have written that...

[purrbaby]

I didn't really lose attraction to HIM. I still am attracted to him, at least physically. But emotionally, the relationship was no long fulfilling my needs and he wasn't stepping up to help make it happen. After 3.5 years together the relationship hadn't progressed at all, if anything, it went backwards. We had talked about it over and over and over again... and yet nothing ever seemed to change. I just had enough....

[endy]

Yeah, that's an important part of a relationship too. The post was more for the men. He just didn't get it, it seems like.

[endy]

I didn't really lose attraction to HIM. I still am attracted to him, at least physically. But emotionally, the relationship was no long fulfilling my needs and he wasn't stepping up to help make it happen. After 3.5 years together the relationship hadn't progressed at all, if anything, it went backwards. We had talked about it over and over and over again... and yet nothing ever seemed to change. I just had enough....

 

 

Also yes, you may not look at it this way but you DID lose attraction for him. I'm talking in a logical point of view. You said he became needy. You said you had to do things that you shouldn't of had to do for him. That causes you to balance the masculine/feminine energy with more masculine, as in leading (driving him places etc, him being needy). It causes you to not be at your feminine core. Which causes a loss of attraction. Sexual/physical attraction is just a part of that, which yes you can keep that and still not want to be with someone.

 

I don't even expect a female to understand this, because honestly we don't think or operate completely the same. You don't have to agree with it. That by no means is meant to be offensive either. It's just something that a man should understand. It's his job to hold it, and we must understand it. A woman doesn't need to because IMO it's not her job. It's simply part of being a man.

[gluestick]

I didn't really lose attraction to HIM. I still am attracted to him, at least physically. But emotionally, the relationship was no long fulfilling my needs and he wasn't stepping up to help make it happen. After 3.5 years together the relationship hadn't progressed at all, if anything, it went backwards. We had talked about it over and over and over again... and yet nothing ever seemed to change. I just had enough....

 

If he changed to the person you fell in love with and truly learned from this BU, would you ever consider reconciling years later if you both happen to be single?

[MissMazzi]

I keep hoovering backwards and forwards on this one...Sometimes, yes I feel really gutted that he can't see that I've changed/am changing for the better. He used to hammer this belief into me that I could never change and would always be the way I was. How liberating would it be to see him eat his words. Those words still get under my skin, even now when he is gone. Had I been 'with it' at the start, I would have put a halt to it very quickly. Oh the irony.

 

On the other hand, sometimes I am close to just not caring due to the new things I've learnt. It lessens the pain alot, because these new beliefs and positive thinking are even 'higher', I would say, than the things he used to impose on me and the way he acted. If that makes sense. Even though I was the most unhealthy one in the relationship, he was also, still a very angry and negative person. I would even venture to say that his negativity drew out mine like a magnet. It's all good to get it to the surface because now we have something to work with...

 

We may all regret the way we acted, but atleast we are no longer blind to how we are/were. In that aspect, it's really positive

[dabbledave]

My ex could have written that...

 

Mine too ...

[purrbaby]

If he changed to the person you fell in love with and truly learned from this BU, would you ever consider reconciling years later if you both happen to be single?

 

Yes I would. If he had changed the things that needed to be changed and that he had promised to work on (license, car, moving in together, some sexual stuff etc). I still love him and wish it would have worked out and progressed. We had the potential to have an amazing life and relationship, but unfortunately he couldn't seem to get his crap together and now it's been over six weeks and not a peep...

[EgoJoe]

All deliberate changes for the better involve measuring your progress against the state you're leaving behind. While some people are fortunate enough to be their own inner catalyst for change, most of us change in response to something external--a loss, a goal, a discomfort.

 

While nobody can guarantee that an ex will have a change of heart after we've moved forward, moving forward is the best shot anybody has. Stagnating isn't attractive, and if ex ever wants to catch up with you on higher ground, you'll need to have made that leap to get there all by yourself, first.

 

Head high.

 

 

I really liked this statement because it's very true to me!

 

There is a third scenario in my mind with regard to this: Those of us who began to change and then upon experiencing a catalyst accelerate the change as they realize their discontent sprang from more than one source.

 

I really like the logic and the reference to relativity, Catfeeder!

[catfeeder]

I really liked this statement because it's very true to me!

 

There is a third scenario in my mind with regard to this: Those of us who began to change and then upon experiencing a catalyst accelerate the change as they realize their discontent sprang from more than one source.

 

I really like the logic and the reference to relativity, Catfeeder!

 

Good point, EJ, and I like your combo plate.

 

Comparing our progress against our starting state is the only measurement that's useful. It makes no sense to compare, say, your own physical recovery from injury or neglect with the healthy state of an athlete, or your own social growth against a long time popular figure in your school or company--or anyone else for that matter.

 

While we can admire the cumulative successes of people around us and note some particular habits or practices of those folks that can help us along if we try them out, the only real yardstick for recognizing our own progress is recalling where we started.

 

I'm not the same person I was yesterday, although the change is subtle. Not one of us carries a single cell that comprised our bodies 6 to 8 years ago.

[symbiot]

If he changed to the person you fell in love with and truly learned from this BU, would you ever consider reconciling years later if you both happen to be single?

Many times we change for or allow ourselves to be changes for the ones we love or in the opposite case we change the ones we love. When this happens we become something other than we were when they feel in love with us. They were attracted to what we were not what we have become even if they made us that way. Now they arent as attracted to who we have bacome. I'm not speaking of personal growth. In that case I think that if two people are at relatively the same point in life they (should grow) around the same pace. Just my Opinion.

[vel2011]

Purrbaby - I'm just wondering how you have felt since the BU you describe here and what your emotions have been like. Was it a sense of relief and were you able to move on quickly, or have you found it difficult?

[The Man Who]

I think in a lot of cases us men(I'm including myself in this) tend to get too comfortable with what we've got and get stuck in a bit of a rut with women. I acted needy/clingy/took her for granted, I realise this now but I've gained a lesson in life since the break-up. It's an opportunity for me to finally correct these wrongs that I knew I had - I've watched my Dad be like this with my Mum all my life and vice versa. It was bound to happen to me since I'm an only child but never really thought about it this way until the break-up. I was smothered as a child(even as a damn teenager)/over-protected etc, it was bound to rub off on me.

 

Purrbaby - my ex said the exact thing to me "The spark is gone, I don't know what it is or how to get it back but it's gone" and as Endy has said, I realise now it was the attraction. I made her the boss and she took over the masculine role of the relationship while I drifted to the feminine side.

 

I don't tend to look back on it as frustration, as many have said if you can attract them once, you can do it again but in order to do so you have to focus on YOU in the present to mould your future for the better before even contemplating anything with your ex ever again.

[beacon]

I did some things that sort of made me as you were, TMW, but there were some extenuating circumstances that need attention. We were usually very free-flowing in our relationship but when I started to express concern about real life situations, the relationship deteriorated very rapidly. Maybe I approached things too negatively for her at the time, but it was very fast because a month before we split, she told me she loved me more than her family. Whatever it was, she didn't even talk to me about things. She just withdrew after saying things like that to me. Maybe to her, the party was over, so she kept moving. And she is partying a lot, with drugs, etc.. She turned 30 over the summer and I thought she may mature, but she didn't. I've been down that road before and I don't need to go back.

 

So in answer to the thread title, yes, I'm frustrated as hell. I wanted her to come with me and make a life, but I'm not "cool enough." So be it.

[lemsip]

I'm an only child too, and that's how I became in the end: clingy and needy. She took on the masculine role while I lost all my power and self respect. Never again. I've been going to CBT for 6 months now and it's definitely helped me. I've made so many positive changes but my ex will never see them as I won't give her the opportunity to. She blew her chance when she walked out on me. No going back. When there are issues like we have described (neediness, loss of spark etc) I truly believe there is no chance of reconciliation anyway. Too much history, it would always be lingering in the background.

 

Work on yourself. Move forward. It's the only way.

[purrbaby]

Purrbaby - I'm just wondering how you have felt since the BU you describe here and what your emotions have been like. Was it a sense of relief and were you able to move on quickly, or have you found it difficult?

 

I did feel a sense of relief once I broke it off. I think because I was finally "done" worrying about it everything and feeling the anxiety that came with it, i.e. if he was ever really going to get his license, where our relationship was going etc. That really took it's toll on me this final year. I have felt so much more at ease than I had before the breakup.

 

My emotions have been up and down over the past few weeks. This week has been better though. I'm finally feeling like I don't miss him (as much) and that everything is going to be just fine. I've been focusing a lot on myself, my job, and the things I love and it is helpings a lot. I haven't really moved on completely because I still miss a lot of things and still wish things could have and would have been different. I still wonder how he's doing and what he's up to, but now it isn't constantly in my mind. I'm kind of glad I have the opportunity to just be by myself and figure me out. I haven't been single in a very long time.