Ex boyfriend wants to be friends after 8 months of NC

[vodka]

Well, not exactly 8 months of NC, he sent me a message a few months ago basically saying how he was sorry for what has occurred between us. We have substantial history. We have been together for 3 years in the past, but broke up nearly 20 months ago. It wasn't exactly a bad breakup per say, but painful none the less. I broke up with him but we didn't stop seeing each other in way or form for 4 months. (Literally, we would go to each others dorm everyday, movies, etc.) Felt like we were still together although we didn't have sex. The main causes of the breakup was my depression/weight gain I believe. In about two years I put on 50 something pounds or so. He loved me, but wasn't attracted to me or in love with me. When I moved out of state Jan 2010, he got another girlfriend within the week actually. We still talked to each other but his current girlfriend wasn't having it. On top of that, I was still madly in love with him.

 

I moved back to the state were I attended school June 2010, the same state we he lives and tried to get him back. He turned me down, said he didn't love me in that way anymore and that was that. A few months later he broke up with that girl. Then almost immediately got another girlfriend. A girl I sometimes hung out with in school we were friends on FB. At this time, all three of us were friends on facebook but early 2011 his girlfriend unfriended me and told him to follow suite. He did. She said he mentions me too much and finds it annoying. We had no contact at all until he contacted me in August with the apology, explaining how people just have preferences physically and that he never doubted that I truly loved him. All I said was thanks and that truly gave me closure considering I felt totally rejected at the time. I still love him, but have accepted that the relationship is over. It seemed to have taken forever for me to just not hurt anymore. Hell, even after a year, I still thought about him almost everyday. We were going to meet for a drink but I said that if his girlfriend wasn't going to be aware of this then I was not interested in seeing him. We didn't meet. He told her and she said no, so that was that. No other contact until...

 

This week he broke up with his girlfriend and contacted me, wanting to go out for that drink. I didn't know he broke up and asked why so sudden. He said that he was single and could do whatever he wanted now, but then said that he needed to rant. So we decided to talk on the phone. He told me about the issues with the girl, then moved on to what he was up to in his life. Basically told me every damn thing he's been up to. Then he wanted to know about what I was doing. Over the course of the NC, I've lost some 55 pounds and started to date another guy. He said he knew because he was recently on my facebook. We spent a bit of time talking about the guy who I am with now. My ex and the guy I'm dating are aware of each other and they don't particularly like each other. The guy I'm dating says he doesn't want me talking to my ex because of the negativity associated with him, yet my ex says he's merely reaching out to a friend he doesn't want to lose.

 

But I don't know....my ex suggested that instead of going out for a drink, I could return to that very same dorm I've spent years hanging out in for a drink there. I said I would prefer a public setting because that would just be too awkward. He has said that he just wants to be friends but I'm getting that sinking feeling in my gut. I don't want a relationship with my ex but I still have feelings for him. Somehow I feel as though that'll get in the way of us trying to be friends.

 

I should even bother going out for a drink with him?

.

[1guygirl]

hi can you clarify pls? he wasnt attracted to you because of the weight gain? ive been depressed and weight gain is common. which then leads to further depression and low self esteem...not helped by your ex not fancying you anymore

 

he said he just wants to be friends but i dont think this is a good idea. your new bf is your priority not your ex. its intersting how your new bf mentions your ex as 'negative' ...this doesnt sound like jealousy but someone who wants the best for you and thinks your ex treated you badly....jeez...you sound like you got a great guy there, dont ruin it because of an ex who wasnt there for you when you needed love and support

 

id politely turn down his offer.

[offplanet]

what if he wants to get back with you? What if you ever put on weight again?

[CatsMeeoow]

It could really pour salt onto old wounds...

 

He's fresh out of a break up and looking for validation - I mean he just broke up this week???

 

You have feelings though you don't want to reconcile.... this is a recipe for heartbreak in my opinion. Seeing him may allow these feelings to flood you and you just don't make rash choices.

 

I would tell him you are not interested right now. Its not the right time for you and see what happens down the road when he isn't dealing with break up emotions.

 

Good Luck

[doiiiieeezie]

If he just wanted to be friends, he wouldn't be so particular. He wants to see you and find out what he is missing. If you look at his history, he gets together with another girl right away. He simply wants to have you for either a rebound or a way to get over his last ex. Either way, I would say that I wasn't interested, and if he does want to reopen communication, it can be in a mutually agreeable public situation.

 

Btw... focus on the new guy.. .and even if it doesn't work out, you need to approach this with classs.

[vodka]

hi can you clarify pls? he wasnt attracted to you because of the weight gain? ive been depressed and weight gain is common. which then leads to further depression and low self esteem...not helped by your ex not fancying you anymore

 

he said he just wants to be friends but i dont think this is a good idea. your new bf is your priority not your ex. its intersting how your new bf mentions your ex as 'negative' ...this doesnt sound like jealousy but someone who wants the best for you and thinks your ex treated you badly....jeez...you sound like you got a great guy there, dont ruin it because of an ex who wasnt there for you when you needed love and support

 

id politely turn down his offer.

 

Pretty much. Throughout our relationship we had intimacy issues.

 

Also, the guy I'm dating, we're more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not to sure if I'm ready for a relationship to be honest. I have told the guy I'm talking to that as well. I guess you could say I'm keeping my options open for the time being (I'm only 22 years old), but not for my ex. Some of the things that were said regarding my appearance in my past can be forgiven but never forgotten. So even if he does want to get back together, he's barking up the wrong tree.

 

 

what if he wants to get back with you? What if you ever put on weight again?

 

If he wants to get back with me, I'm going to direct him to a site like this one because once someone regains self confidence, we're not so apt to merely give people passes for their unacceptable behavior.

 

If the weight comes back, it means that I've broken a promise to myself. It's been over a year now and I'm getting near the milestone of 60 pounds lost. It's a lifestyle change.

 

If he just wanted to be friends, he wouldn't be so particular. He wants to see you and find out what he is missing. If you look at his history, he gets together with another girl right away. He simply wants to have you for either a rebound or a way to get over his last ex. Either way, I would say that I wasn't interested, and if he does want to reopen communication, it can be in a mutually agreeable public situation.

 

That's what I suspected.