Does Marriage Counseling Work???

[Allie86]

Has anyone been through marriage counseling to try to save their marriage? Wife and I are definitely on the rocks. I moved into the guest bedroom this week. We have decided we want to try to fix this thing but we're not sure when we stopped being in love with each other. We have been talking about professional counseling but I kind of skeptical on whether or not it will help. Has anyone who has been to marriage counseling found it helpful? It save anyone's marriage? Did it fail after counseling? Is this site helpful to me. We've been together for 5 years and married for 2. Send me your suggestion and help me to protect our relationship.

[Generation]

I don't know. But hey, at least you two are on the right track, because both of you want to fix this. I'd say that's half the battle already, now it's just dealing with each other and yourself and what's happening in the relationship.

 

I'd recommend a few books, like 10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationship and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara DeAngelis. There are audio tapes available online somewhere too so maybe you and your husband or wife can listen in together or apart. I've listened to them and you can learn a lot and really empower yourself and your marriage.

[Lester]

By the time the sleeping separation has occurred the wayward wife , (I assume your wife because you are the searcher. Aka victim), has been secretly/actively taking to another man. This is where most wayward wives get their courage to divorce. (Low self-esteem builder)

 

So to answer your question,

At this stage almost anything you do, (counselors, trips, bully talk, etc.), to move your wife back into "place" will be viewed as weakness with a dash of disgust and contempt. (It makes for good stories in hidden "circles of sorrow... her friends" and the "hidden one.")

 

Also

 

Counseling requires time and study. Most counselors need money to pay the bills. This conflict of interest drags out sessions into months when it’s days that are needed.

 

By the time the victim, (you) recommends going the wayward spouse is already been talking to a secret savior. The push by you for a "fix and move on solution", (weakness), drives the wayward spouse even further into the "hidden one's" arms.

 

What to do?

 

Don't panic...

Forget counseling… too late.

Secretly educate yourself.

Buy James Dobson’s ”Love must be tough” New hope for marriages in crisis. and

Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” What no women can resist.

Secretly buy books and talk to us.

NEVER let your wife know what you are doing to save your marriage. Don’t show her the books! Use a computer she has no access to.

 

First aid;

Secretly snoop her cell phone record on the internet. If you find suspicious calls…. DO NOT CONFRONT HER!!! Come back to us.

(Ignore persons who tell you not to snoop. They don't understand your denial and urgency of these matters.)

Listen to your wife but don’t talk.

Give you’re wife a sincere complement today. Then stop talking.

Become strangely or somewhat aloof.

 

Begin your journey of becoming a loving husband.

 

PS, Time is your enemy... don't waste it looking for quick fixes or magic bullets. You have to change into a loving husband or she's gone.

[catfeeder]

Counseling can work when both partners are invested and open to changing themselves rather than changing their partner.

 

Counseling is a waste of money if either partner is already checked out. Some people will go through the motions so they can say they did everything they could--but if they're not invested and open to changing themselves (rather than their partner) it's not worth the time, energy and money.

 

I would establish clearly where both you and wife stand with regard to this investment. If you're both legitimately curious and open, then it's worth it to both of you. It's not a car wash, it's a commitment to do some serious work--and that's the only way it can work.

 

In your corner, and fingers crossed for both of you.

[Miss Kitty]

It all depends on why you're wanting to go, but if you are both willing to be open and work through things and your marriage is worth saving, then marriage counseling can help, but don't depend on the counseling. You and your wife both have to put in a LOT of footwork to fix this.

[wiseoldwoman]

Counseling can help, but only if both of you are invested in it AND you get the right counselor. There are many counselors who went into the field because they needed help themselves. Work as hard at selecting a counselor as you'd work at finding a good financial adviser or a doctor - don't just pick one from the yellow pages. Then go with a clear understanding on both your and your wife's part of what you're hoping the counseling will accomplish. You've both contributed to the place your marriage is right now, so you'll both have to be ready and willing to make changes.

 

Good luck to you and wife - if you both want to get the relationship back on track, you should be able to do it. Just remember, every relationship goes through its ups and downs and its stagnant periods.

[Tarnation Joe]

I don't know if marriage counseling is that helpful, but the fact that both parties are willing to go says something positive. The best thing about counseling is simply having another person in the room to hear and check what you are saying to each other

[jaywalk]

I would recommend something that I found on the main page of this site called "7 secrets to fixing your marriage". I would also recommend searching your Bible as well as a few other books on the topic. Having been dealing with my own mess for 3 years now (maybe more. hate keeping count) I have read a number of books and spoken to a number of people about this. And as for Lester, dont discount him so quickly, we all come with the wisdom of our experience and I found some of his recommendations worthwhile. He offered advice in the form of a book called "if only he knew" by gary smalley that was insightful. I would add "the 5 love languages" by gary chapman as well. The 7 secrets makes alot of sense though. One of them was to put your problems aside and dont (yes it says dont) deal with them right now. you dont need to deal with them to move forward. Act in love even when you dont feel like she deserves it after all this junk and not only will you begin to feel it but she will as well.

As for counselors....I for one am wary,they are paid as long as you are in their office. Much like dentists are there for detal maintenance but really, do you honestly believe they want to eradicate cavities? they would be obsolete at that point. Same goes for counselors in my mind. They may genuinely want to help you and fix whats wrong but how quickly they do so is up to them and their billing. Me, I come here and I have found a way to get real open and honest with a few of the guys and that has been real helpful.

hope this helps God Bless