Feeling lonely... and in love.... oy!

[minimini]

I've posted previously about the 6 month cyber/ emotional relationship I had with my ex from jr. high. Long story short. Basically met up with my ex from jr. high (first time in 20 years) and we were intimate back in January. Since then, we were having a cyber relationship and ended up completely in love with each other. Good thing... finding the love of your life. Bad thing... we're both married. I know, I know... don't judge. Anyway, it all ended a few months ago. It needed to end... it was killing us both. He needed to get his life together.... so he started "the end" of it. Not what I wanted, but I respect him for taking that step.... proves he was more responsible than I was. It was just a matter of time.

 

It's been a over a month since we've written. I've defriended him from my Facebook. I wrote to him on my birthday in August, asked him to wish me a Happy Birthday... he did. I wished him a Happy Birthday via Facebook message in mid-Sept. He wrote back a week ago to say thanks and that he missed me and that I still mean the world to him.

 

So, here we are. I can't stop thinking about him. I am absolutely in love with him. I believe he is in love with me... just wanted to get on with his "real" life. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time getting him out of my head!!! I keep wishing I could fast forward my life a little so I could forget about him. Hubby is working out of the country (which is how all this started in the first place) ... so here I am.... alone again. Lonely. I'm trying to keep myself busy...... doing all I can to not write to him.... oy! Oy! Oy! What more can I do???

[LDRohnos]

I don't know what to tell you beyond that you should probably try to reconnect with your husband at this point. I'm sorry you feel the way you do but what did you expect? How could this relationship have ever worked on any real (non pixelated) level?

 

 

Now, I shall rant.

 

 

Cyber relationships (some will argue with me here) are a dead ends and it's setting is fantasy land. You may develop an emotional connection with someone on a very, very detached (and unreal) level but you cannot explore a relationship online. I'd love to see the statistics of how many purely long term cyber relationships actually make it into reality. Beyond that, how many of them actually succeed when that other half of their personality comes into play that you never saw through a computer screen.

 

PS: This is in no way relevant to anything that exists, and should be ignored completely.

 

Ok I'm bored now...rant over.

[Moneypenny]

Dear minimini

 

I don't visit this site too often now but for a strange reason, I did today, and your post struck a chord with me. I'm glad I did because posting this is helpful for me, as I hope it will be for you.

 

Your on-line relationship mirrors mine; I.e childhood loves contact through Facebook after a decade and confessions undying love for eachother, and/or confessions to a love that never died.

 

This is the dangerous and dark side of FB that allows for this sort of thing to happen. I thought initially that my own relationship came to be by some mysterious form of God-given gift of fate – aka Facebook!!

 

You have my deepest sympathy for the very REAL pain and grief you are currently experiencing. I know it first hand, and it is a truly horrible place to be in, and I wish it not on my worst enemy.

 

I'm not knocking cyber-relationships, or long distance relationships because I do believe that there are sometimes exceptional circumstances that allow for positive outcomes. But as you so rightly say' “this is not any type of cyber-relationship”. What it is though, is an Emotional Affair, and one that has the most deeply psycologically damaging affect where there is primarily no physical contact.

 

While there are very real moral issues at play here, such as adultery, it's not that part I want to focus on precisely, because, what is done, is done; and you cannot change that fact. However, it is about you, as an individual.

 

As human beings, we all make mistakes. And there is a reason why we make them, and the consequences of our thoughts and actions, are a wake-up call for other issues in our lives that we have/or are neglecting, and which need serious addressing.

 

I promise you, this is not about your lost love, and the love you have for eachother. It is about 'you', and his needs and circumstances are about 'him'. They are not about 'you and him' – because 'you and him' never really existed for any realistic amount of time, or to put it more bluntly, never really existed in the real world anyway. That's the truth.

 

I have just undergone 7 weeks of counselling/therapy because I was in your situation almost exactly. It was ruining my life. I'm on the cusp now of ending my relationship, because it is not real, in every sense of that word. The hardest part is the letting go.

 

Minimini please feel free to pm me and I'll give you my email address if you wish.

[ToF]

You should probably leave your husband, so he can go find someone who cares about him enough not to cheat on him.

 

Sorry, but saying, "I know, I know ... Don't judge" doesn't minimize the fact that you cheated on your husband. You made solemn vows to him. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

[minimini]

Dear LDRohnos: Thanks for your reply and for the rant. The rant was very true and I agree with every bit of it. ;-) But.... it's always easier said than done... ignoring it completely. I'm trying. Believe me...

 

Dear Moneypenny: Thank you so much for your response. To tell you the truth... just knowing there is another person out there that understands how I feel, has made me feel better. I appreciate you validating the fact that what I felt/ feel is real and that there is real pain and grief associated with it. It's a tough situation, and thank you so much for not focusing on the adultery part of it. That is just an added factor of guilt in this whole thing. Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and insightful reply to my post. As of this moment, I feel a bit better. But it comes and goes. I'll surely PM you if need be... thank you for the offer.

[Moneypenny]

Minimini, you might want to take a look at this book; "He's Scared, She's Scared", by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It's a straight to the point - no-nonsense read that explains why we sabotage our relationships and it gives sound advice on how to stop doing it.

 

It will also help you get over the anguish of that feeling of 'being dumped' - because as I said in my last post, it's not what the other person has done to you - but what you have done to yourself; i.e. created a fantasy relationship. It's true that these sort of relationships are extremely intense, and the highs you experience are VERY addictive. They also take much longer to get over.

 

Do yourself, and your husband, a favour, and focus on getting over this as quickly as possible, because believe me it's not worth all the pain and your precious time.

 

I highly recommend the book though - both you and your hubby would find it useful.

 

Mx