Therapy?

[flownthecoop]

I have just started therapy at my college. It has brought up a lot for me, and I have been searching and searching for somewhere or something safe to express all these thoughts I have coming up.

 

I was sexually abused. My father and my mother had me as an accident. They were married a little over a year after I was born, and I am 8 months younger than my half-sister, on my father's side. My father sexually abused me. He was sick, with multiple sclerosis, so he stayed home and my mother worked. I have 4 siblings, all from one of my parent's previous marriages. He would get me home alone with him whenever he could, and when he would he would call me over. He would have me be naked. He would touch me, and make me touch him. He never left marks, he rarely hit me. For the longest time it was really confusing to me because he never directly caused me a great deal of pain. He would even ask me questions like 'does this feel good'. Sometimes it did. For the longest time I thought that meant he wasn't abusing me, because he wasn't really hurting me. He said I was special, that it was just between me and him, or people would get mad, my siblings would be upset, and he would be in a lot of trouble. I didn't tell. I didn't want him to get in trouble. I started to grow up. He didn't want me anymore. And then, suddenly no one wanted me. The only time my father talked to me was when he was saying I wasn't good enough, whether that meant in school or whatever it was I was trying at. My mother was not around even when she was home. She would lose herself in a computer game and never cared about anything her children were doing unless she had to. I had no friends. I had never made any. Even know, the only friends I have are friends of convenience, people I hang out with because we are both forced to be in the same place (class) or those who just want to be around SOMEONE. I have a boyfriend. We live together, though we have only been together for 6 months. He knows I was abused. He seems supportive, but still I feel like he will never truly understand. I feel like no one will, even with therapy. I blame myself so much for not stopping it. I feel like I could have said no, like I should have told someone. When I was 16, I confronted him. He cried and said he was sorry. He offered to turn himself in. I told him not to. I did not feel any better. I tried to kill myself a week later, and ended up in the hospital having my stomach pumped, and having told my mother what my father did to me. Since that night, she was around more. But we never talked about it again. I don't know if she believed me. I only have brought it up once since, and she wouldn't talk to me. Since then, I have sworn them off. I have not contacted them (i have moved away for college) and anytime they contact me I reply with a simple answer to whatever the question. Still now, I feel like nothing helps. I feel like everything I'm doing to get better is useless. I just feel more on edge, more easily upset, more out of control, and I don't know what to do.

[Moontiger]

Welcome to ENA,

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I cannot imagine what you have had to and continue to endure.

 

You are taking the right steps by going to therapy. Continue to go, increase the number of times you go a week if you have to. I think you will find a supportive community on this site. It is a great outlet when you feel you have no where to turn.

 

I think there are a lot of things you can do to build your social circle. There are support groups for victims of abuse you could go to. This would, I think, help with your healing process and give you some social interaction. Are you involved in any activities at your college? Do you have a job?

[chitown9]

Welcome to our little community. I am so sorry that you had such a messed up childhood. You demonstrated a great deal of resilency in order to deal with that as a child. Therapy will be beneficial for you. I hope that you are able to continue with therapy for an extended period of time. ((Hugs))...chi

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Therapy may seem messier than it's worth at times, but that's because it stirs up what needs to come out. Please stay with it, and you will thank yourself later.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[greywolf]

OP, first you have to accept that it wasn't your fault. I know how difficult that is to do and it may take awhile for you to accept it, but you will feel much better when you do. No one expects a child to know what to do in that situation. Children trust their parents.