Confused over his sudden change behavior

[nicoley701]

My BF and I have known each other for 7 weeks. I know that it was a very short time to establish a relationship, but everything happened so perfectly until last Tuesday when he told me that he doesn't want anything serious at this moment and hope that we can be good friends.

 

Before the break up, everything was so perfect for us. We were the happiest couple on earth. Everywhere we go, people would look at us and told us that we are the best couple ever seen. We emailed each other 5-6 times a day, each and every word in the email filled with passion and love. I spent every weekend at his place and he will come over to my place every middle of the week. We have a great chemistry and lots of things in common, so we were attached to each other very fast. We even planned to move to another state to start a new life, and next year, he will bring me back to UK (he's a British) to see his hometown and meet his friends. We would cook for each other every weekend, and made love to each other twice a day every time we see each other. He even cleaned up a closet space for me, built extra bathroom storage just to put my stuffs, and always let me sleep on his side of the bed. He even made a copy of his house key for me.

 

After 2 weeks of dating, I confessed to him that I love him. He said "Really?" and asked me that wouldn't it be too fast to say I love you after 2 weeks?

 

But, on the 4th week, he had to undergo a rhinoplasty surgery, and due to that, he was resting at home for 2 weeks straight without getting out from the house. I committed myself throughout the 1st week of his rest by staying at his place and took care for him. I even took 2 days off on the 1st day of his surgery as he was bleeding and couldn't walk properly by himself. I took him to the hospital, drove him back, cooked for him and cleaned for him for the first week. He felt touched and on that week itself, he told me that he loves me. He told me that he had never have a woman in his life that treated him so nice before. He even asked me not to leave him and promised him that I will be with him forever.

 

After the recovery, things change rapidly. He was never that sweet anymore, and he seems to get agitated easily and always tried to closed himself from me even we are together. One Saturday morning, he told me that he was not ready for anything serious right now, and wanted us to become friends first and slowly get to know each other better. I asked him why he changed all of a sudden. He said that we've been spending too much time together, and that was not healthy for the beginning of the relationship, as he couldn't do his own routine things anymore. He knows that I am everything that he wants. but he just not ready to commit to me 100% yet. I told him that we shouldn't give up on each other, instead work it out to make things work. I agreed to give him more space by not seeing each other too often and also cut down on the emails. He agreed, and we resume back to our bf gf status.

 

The following Tuesday evening, he called me and said he wanted to break up with me. He said he already packed up all my stuffs and will be driving over to my place to drop off my stuffs, and also have his house key back. I was so shocked by all his sudden change. We had a deep talk at my place. He actually got a divorce back in April from a 7 years marriage (which I knew), and he said he was still not over the divorce yet, and it's not fair to drag me along. He also said after the 2 weeks stay at home, he got really depressed and haven't been feeling good since. He needs to focus fully on working with himself to get back to normal mode, thus, he can't commit to me right now. I asked him what happened to all our plans that we discussed in the past and his "i love you"? He said that he didn't lie to me. That was how he felt during that time, but now he feels differently. He also told me that he wants to go back to UK as he miss his family there, and probably won't be coming back to U.S anymore. He keep on saying that he is not as good as what I think of him (as though he was really trying to convince me to get over him). He also said that he can't promise anything to me now about our future, but he would really hope that we can become good friends.

 

I felt really devastated by his sudden change. He said that he knows that I truly love him, and I am everything he wants, but how could he still treat me this way? How could someone be so perfect in the beginning and broke down all of a sudden? I agree to become his friend. But, what happened if he really going to leave U.S one day and never comes back? We haven't talk to each other since, and I've been crying every night since. I really miss him and all the time together with him.

[Batya33]

I am really sorry things didn't work out. I think the problem was your expectation that you can substitute getting to know someone over a period of months by cramming in tons of time together in an insta-relationship in a matter of weeks. You describe so much of what happened as if it was a pattern developed over the better part of a year. There are no patterns yet in a matter of weeks - most people can keep up the smittendom/excitement for a number of weeks. As one of my friends used to say, until you're dating two months it's basically meaningless as to whether there's a future -and typically you need to get past the 4-month mark to know if there is serious potential. There are exceptions of course but it's often sabotaging to play wifey/couply so fast and see each other that much in the beginning. You need breathing room, to miss each other, to keep up with your friends, activities ,life. It doesn't matter how perfect everyone else thought you were -of course you looked adorable together - many couples do, especially shiny new couples.

 

If you think about it wasn't a sudden change -it was simply a typical transition from "the chase is over" to "ok now that the chase is over do I want the prize I have won?" I also think that while it was extremely thoughtful and generous of you to take such good care of him after his surgery you probably went overboard/overwhelmed him. If it wasn't emergency surgery then surely he had it schedule before he met you or shortly after -what had been his plans for post-surgery care?

 

Again I'm sorry about this situation -I've been there.

[dan10]

i have to agree with everyone else just because it seems logical. but if he was telling the truth about his depression then here is my take on that...

 

 

depression will mess a person up. in order for it not to the individual needs a slue of support behind them every step of the way and even with that they need a heck of alot of luck to not have it get bad.

 

it really sounds like this guys is a wonderful one. from what you said, i think he is realizing that things are going to get bad for him and he doesnt want to drag you down with him. depression hurts the people around the depressed person more then it hurts them. so it is very possible that he wants to save you the problems and move back with his family so he has them there to help him through this. i know that you want to help him and be there for him and everything but honestly if he cares about you he will break your heart and walk out on you never speaking to you again before he lets you take the brunt of this. especially if he knows what is going to happen if he has delt with depression before.

 

thank him for what he is doing, help him when you can, but dont push yourself to close to him or he will push you away.

[LDRohnos]

Okay let me break this down in a timeline first.

 

Day 1 - You met or started the relationship

 

Week 2 - You told him you love him.

 

Week 4 - He goes into surgery.

 

Week 5? - He breaks up with you and takes his house key back.

 

During this whole time you spent nearly all your free time with him.

 

Do you see how incredibly fast this is? You can replace week with month and that would STILL be fast.

 

He went through a traumatic experience and he probably felt completely smothered. Sometimes when people are sick or in pain they actually want to be left alone, plus he barely knew you to feel that comfortable around you while in that state. I know I wouldn't want someone I just met weeks before hanging around me every day if I felt that way.

 

You apparently have a lot of love in your heart but you cannot smother someone so completely no matter how much you "love" them. This relationship went through more phases in 7 weeks than most do in a year.

 

Future relationships you need to slow down, that said I do feel bad for you and you'll be just fine. Give it some time!

[Missnomer1246]

How can you love someone after 2 weeks? I have dated people for 6 months and not even gotten close to love.

 

Have you never had a boyfriend before? This relationship moved far too quickly and unhealthily. It sounds like you don't have much dating experience and perhaps don't even know what love is.