Friendship Ending over This?

[hopefulromantic79]

Hi, Everyone:

 

Here to get some advice on a recent conversation I had with a close friend of mine. My friend, G, is going through a rough time trying to get pregnant with her husband. So, as we always do, we talk all day at work about our issues and provide feedback/empathy/sympathy/advice about each others' lives (well, she gives most of the advice; I try and not do it as much). Well, yesterday we were IM'ing back and forth and I ended up getting on my soap box about how she should be grateful for what she has (husband, house, good job, health) and not stress so much about what she doesn't. She tried to tell me that she should have started to have kids earlier, etc - how our ovaries are drying up, etc. at age 29-31. Of course, I know so many people who have gotten pregnant later in life, it's almost silly to argue over this issue over and over again. I eventually got so worked up I told her that there are other things to do than have babies! Well, this turned into me being self-righteous and now she won't talk to me (we talk every day over IM, person, text). Feeling like I really pushed the boundary and now I've lost a friend I wrote her this email and no response:

 

Hi -

 

Sorry if I came accross as self-righteous yesterday. Obviously this is a stressful time for you and I shouldn't make it worse by trying to project my own insecurities about my life. I think having a family (of some sort) is what life is about - something I've always wanted but have denied for whatever reason. Perhaps you aren't even thinking about our conversation yesterday, but I am and it bothers me to think that you would believe that I don't want the very best for you and (Husband). You have been true friends and I'll always be grateful for that!

 

So, just wanted to send my apology because I know that I let my anxiety about my own future get the best of me, and in turn, offended you which was not what I intended.

 

Have a great day & enjoy the wedding! Let me know if you want to borrow my dress.

 

****************

 

What should I do? Wait for her to cool down?

 

Thanks for any advice!

[RedDress]

Wow! What a lovely letter of apology. Humble, insightful, genuine.

 

I think that your friend is going through a tough time right now and she might be a little weird. Let her. I think you did the right thing and apologized beautifully.

 

I think you should let her cool off for a bit. In time, if she's a reasonable person, she should come around (but might be less likely to talk about the pregnancy issues).

 

You did good.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't understand how your opinion that 'there are other things to do other than have babies' would be self-righteous in any way. And really - you're right - at 29-31 it's completely ridiculous to worry about your ovaries drying up. That's completely false. It would be hard for me to listen to someone who believes that as well.

[Mesemene]

Your letter was fantastic.

 

That said - I've known a few women who started obsessing about possibly being infertile that, to put it diplomatically, had some huge personality changes, and not for the better. So you're letting her do the right thing and cool off.

 

If they've been trying for a while, might be time for her to visit a doctor instead of stressing to the point she could lose friends. At 29-31, her ovaries (barring any medical problems) should be just fine.

[offplanet]

I can totally understand her being stressed about it, having tried and been unsuccessful at 29. The craving to get pregnant gets so strong, she wouldn't appreciate being told to be grateful for her other blessings. She could have polycystic ovaries or some other issue affecting fertility, so she should get it checked out definitely. It was a nice apology letter.

[hopefulromantic79]

Thank you all for your responses - it felt good just to get this all out in the open. At least I can rest assured, while she did not respond to my email, I did all I could do to make sure she knows that I value her as a friend and admit to my own shortcomings. Nobody is perfect. Should this relationship end, perhaps it was meant to take that course.

 

I will continue to wish the best for her and her husband - I can only imagine how distressing it is for her. She does have PCOS and she is seeing Fertility docs, so that is just extra stress that she's going through right now. I'm actually in counseling courses right now and the thing they keep stressing is NEVER give advice. Listening and putting the onus back on the person sharing is the appropriate thing to do when trying to help someone. I need to remember that