SethSLC Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Random thoughts from last night, but it got me thinking about what exactly Closure meant to different people, did they get it, what it was like, how they did it? So I'm curious what others thoughts are on the subject. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigoblue Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Closure is a proper break up where you sit down face-to-face and tell each other what's on your mind. Unfortunately, I have not had that experience... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dabbledave Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I think closure is acceptance of the here and now. Many people look to the answers to questions or the reasons why. But answers and reasons can be elusive. Closure is finally accepting that it is what it is in the here and now, regardless of answers and reasons. DD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoDice Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I agree with indigoblue, during my last 2 BU with same girl, first there was no closure just a "I am not sure, I don't know what I feel" her crying and leaving, when she came back and left again, it was random and over the phone, as she refused to see me in person, and her only reasoning was that she was a B**** to me always and had no desire in changing that(because I was only ever the best for her) so she decided to split again. In the past I have had good break up talks that I define as closure, where you both sit down and talk about the issue or problem, or the difference between you two that is causing the break and where you stand from that point. Seems those were way easier, unfortunately it really depends on the maturity of the person. Any over the phone, text, email, or even worse 3rd party or silent break up is an act of cowardice in my eyes. But people are amazing at coming up with justification for their BS in a break up, especially when they flip it on you and make it seem like you are the problem. Being truthful and not coping out is the best closure, or is true closure. No what if's or maybes, a definite end with a definite reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dabbledave Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 So are you guys saying that without answers and reasons for a break-up you can never close the book on a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I don't think you get closure from someone else. You get it from yourself by accepting that the realtionship is over. The reasons someone else provides for a breakup often aren't honest so you never know if the reasons they are giving are real. To me acceptance is closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoDice Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 So are you guys saying that without answers and reasons for a break-up you can never close the book on a relationship? No, don't get me wrong sometimes you have to provide your own closure, or whatever helps you to move on. I think Seth was talking about the "closure" from the other person. Many times you will not get it, who ever said anything about being unable to close the book on a relationship without it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoDice Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Closure is usually a form acceptance, but acceptance isn't always closure. Its just acceptance, eventually the book gets burned and you move on. Saying its closure though, is just a formality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dabbledave Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No, don't get me wrong sometimes you have to provide your own closure, or whatever helps you to move on. I think Seth was talking about the "closure" from the other person. Many times you will not get it, who ever said anything about being unable to close the book on a relationship without it? Closing the book on something is another way of saying "closure". OP simply asks what closure means to us. I think closure means acceptance of the situation (in order to get on with life), whether or not you get a honest reason/answer for the situation. And I think you would agree, no? DD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoDice Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Closing the book on something is another way of saying "closure". OP simply asks what closure means to us. I think closure means acceptance of the situation (in order to get on with life), whether or not you get a honest reason/answer for the situation. And I think you would agree, no? DD I misread the question I guess, we will always get the closure we need, but not always the closure we want. And recently I found out the sometimes the dumper(her) doesn't always get the closure they want at all, ie-denying them friendship after, fwb, or even acknowledging their existence. Weird but true. I am still a bit raw from my BU so my mind is kind of through the loop so to speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Closure for me def includes acceptance of the situation right now. This does not mean I still do not have unanswered questions that I may want to ask...but then again, does it really matter the answers if it's over? It really doesn't so I just need to accept it is over and nothing the person can tell me really matters. It changes nothing. Additionally, all the closure I really need is to know the person chose for whatever reason to leave and not work on the relationship with me. That's really all I need to know. I have found that when I seek this so called "closure" it's really that I am trying to find out what went wrong so I can fix it and win them back. It's not really that I want closure, I want a second chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gluestick Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Closure to me is the acceptance that the relationship is over and that it's time to let go. However, I think knowing the reasons for the breakup really helps speed up the path to acceptance, at least for me. I agree that dumpers should not breakup through email, text, FB, or phone. The least they can do for someone who was once important is to have a face-to-face conversation why the relationship went sour and why they want out. That said, you cannot take what the dumper says at face value because it's not the entire truth. Even though they may give you the courtesy of breaking up with you in person, that does not mean they tell you what you need to hear in order to accept and move on. Also, the maturity of the person doing the breakup can affect the dumpee's sense of "closure". Ultimately, it doesn't matter what the reasons are for the breakup. The fact is, the relationship is over and they do not want to put in anymore effort. They made the decision to give up, so we need to make the decision to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I don't think reasons matter. Closure to me consists of acceptance of the past and current situation, forgiveness, learning from it, and letting go with love. It doesn't have to be in that order, but that's the order that I go through. So closure comes from within. Is it easier for some to get an explanation? Sure, but why does it really matter? What matters is a person chose what they thought is best for them. That's the ultimate reason it happened and that's all there is to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Self acceptance to an end. It can happen involving two people or sometimes takes a person to understand it for themselves. I believe true closure comes from within. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I've never really gotten an answer to "why" from anyone who broke up with me. It didn't matter. Closure means that you accept that the relationship is over, you don't think less of yourself because the relationship ended, and you are now ready for your next adventure. Simple as that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SethSLC Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Interesting discussion and thanks for all of your input so far. My thoughts were leaning towards this: I believe I've come to accept that she and I just aren't going to be together, that even were she to come profess undying love for me right now I just don't think I'd take her back. I am still in love with her but I just think too much has happened so I've begun the process of accepting and forgetting her. Over the course of the last year (during which we dated again for about 6 months) I have had ample time to reflect on the places I feel I made mistakes during the relationship. I believe I'm honestly sorry for them. So... If you are honestly sorry for something(s) that you've done do you need to tell them or do you just be "sorry" to yourself kind of thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I always feel that if you're truly sorry for something that you indeed have the right to let any person know. Just do it with the right intentions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SethSLC Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Sure I get the whole "right to tell" aspect but I guess I was more asking is "should" you? If you're actually sorry for things that went on, does it require you telling the other person you're sorry in order to kind of complete the circle of "being sorry, learning, letting go"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 When it seemed like a good idea, of course I apoligized. Most of the time they didn't really care what the heck I did or didn't do, so I kept quiet and just recognized I had things to work on and I was a better partner for the next guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueRose66 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I think a heartfelt apology with an explanation as to how it affected the relationship and the other person can be very helpful for yourself. I dont know how it would make the other feel though. Thoughts about closure: Imagine this person died? How would you have closure then? I would probably write a letter letting it all out. And then I would create a special ritual to release that letter. I would maybe bury it under my tree or hang it from a branch and let the sun, wind, snow and rain release it out into the universe. Or I would burn it and allow myself to grieve as I watched it burn. OK, Maybe sounds kinda corny but it is something that would work for me. People often dont know all the reasons why when they break up. We have to find it within ourselves to live with ambiguity which life is full of anyways. And then, even after supposed closure, there would be more questions, more thoughts swirling around your mind. Healing a broken heart and letting go of a relationship that meant a great deal to you is very hard business. I remind myself daily that my pain and willingness to not run from it and accept what is, is the pain and blessing of being TRULY ALIVE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I think if you realize that you wronged someone, and if it's easier for you to completely let go of it... Then appologize. To me that would NOT be part of letting go completely. If it's something you feel you would need to do to let go that's fine, but forgiving yourself is really what matters. Just make sure that's your intention and that you're doing it because you truly are sorry. Not to just break NC (I know in your case that isn't the reason). I think time away and reflection is needed before you can truly say you're sorry. So I wouldn't advise it for others until they have taken the love goggles off and looked at the situation completely and pretty much completely let go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karianne Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I think if you realize that you wronged someone, and if it's easier for you to completely let go of it... Then appologize. To me that would NOT be part of letting go completely. If it's something you feel you would need to do to let go that's fine, but forgiving yourself is really what matters. I agree. After my ex broke up with me, I had so much guilt that would consume my thoughts every single day. I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong. A week after he broke up with me, we met up and I sincerely apologized for everything I had done wrong in the relationship, and I meant it. Even though I don't know if he has forgiven me yet, knowing that he knows I am sorry is the first step to forgiving myself, and I think that's the most important thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oO pd Oo Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Life is short. If you've got something to say, you may want to say it because the chance may not present itself again. By not saying it, you hang onto it. By saying it, you let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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