After a fight is it best to let them know how you feel or walk away?

[Voguester]

I just had a fight with my boyfriend of 3 years and i dont know whether i should send him a detailed email outlining why i felt upset and what im really thinking, i feel like that would put it all out there and he can do what he will with the information and at least i tried and was heard.

 

basically our fight came down to his commitment towards me and feeling like what he's giving atm just isnt enough and i want to know whether he thinks there could be a future with us, otherwise i will go on my merry way and not wait around for him.

 

I'm just wondering, after a couple has had a heated argument and it could very well be the end of the relationship...is it better to let it be known why you actually felt that way and what the situation is? because when he's saying stuff back to me i feel like he just retaliates and thinks its all bs, he gets so angry and doesnt listen to anything.

 

I don't know what would be best...the silence or the email?

i feel like with being silent though that he got a chance to say what he needed to say and i didnt, he gets the last word

[Fudgie]

I think it's best to talk/email him (if you can't talk to him directly) with your feelings. You need to get this resolved if the relationship is to continue. If not, resentment will build and nothing actually gets fixed. You're likely to fight about the same thing again.

 

Silence is really not the best option here. You only have silence in a fight to "cool down" so you don't say something regretful...but then AFTER silence, you talk.

[Snowy]

Communication is very important in relationships.

 

The difference between a couple breaking up and strengthening their bond after a fight is COMMUNICATION.

 

Fighting cold wars is never good.

 

My advice is that you DEFINITELY put it all out to him, and then ask him what's his take on the issue. It is so much better to put everything out in the open.

[Sim54]

The absolute best is to talk face to face, but if he isn't listening or it just escalates to another argument then send the email.

Try not to blame him, but rather state how you feel, and how his behaviour is effecting you. Don't offer an ultimatum, and don't say 'you make me feel...' as he isn't 'making' you feel it, but rather just let him know how you feel. Also, try to be open to hearing his side of things. You might be behaving in a way that he doesn't feel safe around, and so he pulls away. Push pull is always caused by 2 people not one.

 

Good luck.

[Voguester]

if i go ahead and write this lengthy email though, i will sound like the biggest nag

 

i don't know how to get my point accross without putting too much emotion in it and being straight to the point. ive done the lengthy emails with him before regretted it, i feel like that gives him the upper hand.

 

maybe i should sleep on this?

[Sim54]

if in doubt, def sleep on it, you'll be clearer tomorrow and it can wait a day or two.

And don't make it lengthy, make it short. And DON"T talk about him, and what he does, but about you, and how you feel.

One is nagging, the other isn't.

[Voguester]

i'm glad i didnt send the email just yet, thanks for your advice. im still in shock considering at the end of the conversation he said 'F U and F these games' and then says a few minutes later 'i love you, night' O_________O. what the heck does he want from me?

[Snowy]

Why don't you meet up with him and sort it out face to face?

[Flyingpiglet]

Defo best to talk things through but I would always advise to wait until things have calmed down and emotions are back on an even keel. Otherwise, there is a high risk of a 'talk' turning into another argument.

 

Is there anyway you could get face to face with each other?

 

I think its a good idea to write down how you feel initially, but save the actual conversation for when things are calm

But, it can be easy to forget or underrate the initial feelings once things are calm... Make sure you don't convince yourself that it wasn't such a big deal in the first place.

[penelope13]

Def don't send anything that you wrote while you were emotional and/or upset. Communicating face to face is usually the best option. However, before you approach him about this, try a little exercise first: try to imagine how you would relate your fight to one of your friends - if you were him, i.e from his perspective.

 

When we are emotional about something, we usually lose objectivity. Thus try to force yourself to see things with a bit of distance. How much merit is there to your claims? Have you been contributing to the situation? Did YOU listen to his arguments as well, or were you too focused on getting your point accross?

 

After you have done this little exercise it may be easier for you to pinpoint what the real message is that you are trying to convey. That is what you should be communicating to him (preferably in person) in a calm way.

[OptomisticGirl]

The OP is LD - face to face talks aren't workable right now.

 

V, L and I get into some pretty heated fights (it's normal) and after we have cooled down and are no longer emotional, THEN we'll send lengthy emails talking in a more calm manor about why we felt the way we did, why we acted the way we did, and APOLOGIZING. If I"m wrong, I'm going to admit I"m wrong. However, your relationship has been plagued with his none commitment issues to you and him not making any effort. He clearly doesn't want to admit there might be a problem and is pushing that off on you - I'd say it's time to cut him lose.

[oldenoughtoknow]

If this is an ongoing issue, he doesn't appear to be willing to change. You can't nag someone into paying more attention to you, you know? And yes, this is a very fundamental relationship dynamic. If he's been unable to give you what you need to this point, I don't see it getting any better. It may be time to leave.