Do you blame yourself for the breakup?

[gluestick]

I think it's safe to say that most dumpees tend to take more, if not, all of the blame post BU. I know I did a little over a month ago when my ex broke up with me.

 

Last night, I even re-read my gchat conversation with the ex immediately following the BU, trying to understand why he gave up and what changed. The realization hit me that I took full blame for the BU, how pathetic and self-loathing I sounded, and knowing I pretty much gave him the biggest ego boost ever. I still remember the last contact we had was when I went over to his house to let him know I needed NC and that it might take years before I can reconnect with him as friends. Guess what he said to me? That he felt I sort of took him for granted and that his ex (the only other serious relationship he had) told him she always regretted dumping him and that it was the biggest mistake of her life. I hope, for his sake, that at the end of the day, it takes two to make a relationship work and a BU is never one person's fault.

 

I know I am thankful for this experience will give me so much room to grow, mature, and learn from my mistakes to be better applied to my future relationships.

 

Do you think it's always 50/50 blame for both parties for any failed relationship? Or do you think either yourself or him/her contributed more to the demise of your relationship(s)?

 

In my case, I think I don't think it was 50/50. I feel I contributed more to my BU, so more along the lines of 60/40.

[indigoblue]

I feel that way a lot, and my mother made me feel guilty for it. I don't know how she managed to get herself involved in the whole thing but she even said and I quote, "you will always fail at your relationships even your friendships." Yeah she's really supportive, of course she apologized for it later on... but it still rings in my head. It makes me optimistic about my life...

 

I know I wanted to break up eventually but then when it happened it just hit me then... up to now I dwell on it a lot, why is that?

[LDRohnos]

Depends on what caused it. Someone cheating on someone else is a 100/0 blame. When two people just aren't right for each other but try anyway it can be a 50/50 blame. None of that really matters though, you live and you learn. Blame is irrelevant.

[amob]

I blame myself almost 100%, though it's probably not the case. I was inexperienced, and didn't really know how to be in a relationship, among other things. I too, came accross as pathetic and self-conscious to my ex, which I hate. Argh!

[symbiot]

I caught my ex with another man in her apt bedroom and twos days later when she let me come over to see her I was begging her to be with me. I think I took it as I wasn't good enough for her so she left me for another. Of course she said no. She should have been begging me! But I was f'n crazy in love with her and she knew it.

[DN]

Although break-ups can easily be the fault of both parties sometimes the actions of one person are 100% to blame.

 

But sometimes there is no fault on either side. If someone falls out of love it isn't a question of fault.

[Little lady]

In my break up we are doing it more like 60/40 the 60 being her and the 40 being me. She broke up with me. I wanted to work things out but she just couldn't get the feeling back. Nothing I can say or do will change that.

 

I'm using the NC, I wish you the best routine.

 

I really do wish her happiness as well as myself.

 

The last time an ex broke up with me I wished them all the happiness in the world

.....they were crying to me a year later of how they felt so alone.

 

i'm pretty sure I'm a catch

and it's not my fault they made mistakes that made me upset

so my upsettingness caused "problems"

 

well, excuse me!

[Wutdo]

Although break-ups can easily be the fault of both parties sometimes the actions of one person are 100% to blame.

 

But sometimes there is no fault on either side. If someone falls out of love it isn't a question of fault.

 

Idk. Seems that falling out of love can be influenced by actions, I'd say. I've come to terms that I changed her from a part of my life to the focus of my life, etc. Got clingy and all that good stuff. I cared, it was just a turn off that I didn't stay the person I was before and when we first started dating. In this case I say it is the dumpee's fault. Not intentionally. If you realize this you can stop yourself in the next relationship.

 

I've never believed in "the one". Anyone can love anyone. It's just a matter of what you do and the situations. Of course I only apply this to relationships without abuse, etc. Everything else to me is an excuse. But maybe I'm old fashioned.

[gluestick]

Idk. Seems that falling out of love can be influenced by actions, I'd say. I've come to terms that I changed her from a part of my life to the focus of my life, etc. Got clingy and all that good stuff. I cared, it was just a turn off that I didn't stay the person I was before and when we first started dating. In this case I say it is the dumpee's fault. Not intentionally. If you realize this you can stop yourself in the next relationship.

 

You know, I also changed to a different person at the end of our relationship and made him my world so to speak. But, I honestly don't think it's 100% my fault because I was dating someone who made his family his #1 priority and ONLY priority. It came to a point where we spend 85% of our time with his family. Vacations were spent with his family, every other meal was eaten with his family, he wanted to invite his mom on our vday celebration b/c he didn't want to leave her home alone, yet throughout 4 years he was only willing to meet my parents 2x. I became clingy and resentful as a RESULT of that...hence the arguing and fighting, etc. So I don't think it's ever the case where one person should take all the blame.

[symbiot]

Many people tend to get clingy towards the end of a relationship, I know I did. I think you can sense the end is coming. When you realize you're losing something you hold on tighter.

[endy]

You know, I also changed to a different person at the end of our relationship and made him my world so to speak. But, I honestly don't think it's 100% my fault because I was dating someone who made his family his #1 priority and ONLY priority. It came to a point where we spend 85% of our time with his family. Vacations were spent with his family, every other meal was eaten with his family, he wanted to invite his mom on our vday celebration b/c he didn't want to leave her home alone, yet throughout 4 years he was only willing to meet my parents 2x. I became clingy and resentful as a RESULT of that...hence the arguing and fighting, etc. So I don't think it's ever the case where one person should take all the blame.

 

 

Honestly... I think in a man/woman relationship the breakup can either be personal incompatibility or something else that causes loss of attraction. That is a man's responsibility to me, but what can he do if he doesn't know how to hold attraction? It's a learning process and I would bet the majority of people need to go through a series of relationships in their life until they figure it out.

 

With that said then you have the serial relationship people etc. So it depends on the situation. Most of it occurs because of personal incompatibility or specific needs not being meant. That would fall in logical, emotional, and sexual areas of the relationship to me.

 

Logical being distance, (because let's be honest here most LDR's just don't work and I will never be in one) where you're at in life etc. Does it make sense from a logical standpoint to be together? Emotional being the way you interact with each other and how those needs are meant. Then also sexual. I think sexual attraction doesn't matter as much, but it still needs to be there. If one of those things are missing, it's bound to fail. Is that one persons fault? No, it would be personal incompatibility at that point. Learn your lesson and find someone that will meet all those needs.

[gluestick]

Where's the boundary between being clingy and being healthy in love? When is spending too much time too much and when is spending too little time too little for a couple deeply in love?

[symbiot]

The boundary you are talking about is arbitrary. It depends on what if enough or too much for the other person. There is no measuring stick. When we were together before she left for the " Big Collage " she couldn't live without me for any amount of time. After she went away she grew more and more distant. Sometimes I held on tightEr so she wouldn't leave and sometimes I let her roam so she wouldn't feel smothered. Nothing worked for me. But I have no doubt in my mind that she didn't or doesn't know that I would have given my life for her.

[Wutdo]

But I have no doubt in my mind that she didn't or doesn't know that I would have given my life for her.

 

That's a sad thing to say. Mine even admitted to knowing I would. Gotta agree with endy. The attraction thing is the man's responsibility. Though I think the woman can definitely help in that aspect. It shouldn't be our responsibility to be perfect when it comes to keeping the attraction. I don't believe I should have to go through endless relationships till I figure everything out. One relationship would have been just fine if both were on the same page.

 

I think in the end, we aren't prepared ahead of time for what we're getting ourselves into and the state of mind we should be in when trying to build lifetime companionship.

 

As for too much time together and clinging... Seriously, if you're speaking for hours on end each day, like I was, and didn't do ALL the things you did while single(excluding any whoring around), then you've probably crossed that boundary. People are attracted to the person that was single. If you don't stay true to those aspects while together, they will leave for one reason or another.

 

Hate the fact that it took a really painful breakup to realize this. As they say, and as I've now come to believe... Unfortunately, this is all a game. You just need to stick to the walk-through to complete the journey and avoid game-overs/continues.

[endy]

Where's the boundary between being clingy and being healthy in love? When is spending too much time too much and when is spending too little time too little for a couple deeply in love?

 

There's no boundary. There's a responsibility of the man to hold the attraction from the woman and become more attractive every day. It's not easy to do, but it's very possible and gets easier the more you do it and understand it. It's not about time. It's simply how you convey attraction. As in, it's simply how much she is attracted to you and what you do to attract her.

 

Most guys at first seem strong and confident. Without knowing it women test them subconciously with body language etc. If you end up with her you usually pass those tests. The problem is those tests are still put out throughout the relationship. When a man starts being more feminine... needy or clingy instead of having his own purpose and giving into wants and demands to do soething he think will make her happy... he starts to fail those tests. That creates a need for her to be masculine to balance the feminine and male energy. A female who assumes a more masculine role in the relationship... causes poison in the relationship.

 

Being a man, understanding all of this is a lot of work, but it's what it means to be a man. This to me is the most important part of keeping a relationship stable, growing, and thriving. It creates love from her. If you want to learn more about this and I suggest every single male on here does... read the tao of badass (download it using bit torrent) and the way of the superior man.

 

Get out and test all this. It's the only way you're going to get better at it. If you want to not be cheated on, not be left like this again, understand and learn as much as you can about attraction.

[LonelyJedi]

Yes I blame myself.

 

I do wonder where the boundary is though when it comes to being clingy, being nice, and not caring/not showing enough affection. It is a constant guessing game and it drives me nuts. To be always be safe, I feel that you should not do any nice things, without having a long period of doing nothing in between them. This way, you can spread out the kind acts and not be looked at as clingy or smothering. But at the same time, some may view this as not caring enough and not showing enough affection. This is where I become confused.

[endy]

I don't think there is a boundary. It's simply understanding body language from her and what you give off to her and how you act or behave to convey attraction. A man with confidence is attractive. He is not needy. He is not smothering. He doesn't need her because he's confident no matter what. When you're not behaving this way, and actually being confident it does not convey attraction. The point is learn and be confident constantly in a relationship and you won't ever have to worry about there being a boundary at all. There's much to learn about this and being a man for all men. The better you get at it, the more women you'll get, the more successful you'll be in holding attraction when you meet a woman you want to settle down with.

[gluestick]

That may be true from a man's perspective, but how about women? I know from what I witnessed of women in long term relationships, including mine, is we tend to make our relationships first priority. We lose ourselves, always wanting to spend all our time with our boyfriends and only make time for others when they're busy. That's not to say all women are like this, but in general it's what women in their 20's tend to do. The ones with more relationship experience, however, either learned from their past to not make their partner the center of their world or learn to have their own social life outside of the relationship.

[endy]

All I know that when a woman is attracted properly that she feels love and it doesn't matter that a man has a purpose. They want to look up to a man. He should be a leader. All people of both genders need to experience several relationships and learn what they need and don't need in a relationship. I think the more important thing to women is how the man responds to her emotionally.

 

A lot of younger women have no idea what love is, or what a good man is either. I think you are spot on to what happens when women get older. It's important for a man to be social with his friends, and it's important for a woman to go out at least twice a month with the ladies, shopping, out to eat etc. It brings her back to her feminine core, and brings her around like women hopefully.

 

There's not much to holding a man's attraction for a woman. Just be yourself. The only thing I would work on if I was a woman is understanding men, knowing exactly what I want in a man, and any psychological issues. Like codependency, depression, self worth etc.

 

It IS a man's responsibility to lead in a relationship. Some women don't agree with this, but they think of it from a purely emotional standpoint and tend to have more of a masculine energy about them. It's not the end all be all, but the majority of men and women at their core are masculine and feminine respectively. One's that are not need someone who is balanced more like them. In other words a more masculine woman would need a more feminine man.

[gluestick]

Do you think it's purely the laws of attraction that govern the dynamics of the relationship between a man and a woman or personality and beliefs play an important role too?

[learning2relax]

Many people tend to get clingy towards the end of a relationship, I know I did. I think you can sense the end is coming. When you realize you're losing something you hold on tighter.

 

Well stated. However, does that mean that hanging on tighter means that you caused the end of the relationship? No. You were reacting to the distance and the anxiety you felt by the distance of the other person in the relationship. Thus, it was on it's way to the end regardless. You didn't cause it, you may have only sped it up, possibly.

 

What we that have been "released" tend to do when being released, is to bargain. We don't want the relationship to end. We may see it coming. In most cases, we do. And nothing we can do will change it. If it is already in motion, it is just a matter of time. You have a choice to call it or not. We tend not. And as a result, when faced with the end, we tend to negotiate. Part of that negotiation is to accept anything that is given to us as a reason for the end. And we promise to "change" or to "fix" or to do anything possible to prevent it from ending. Does it mean you are to blame? No. It just means that you are human and having a natural reaction to losing something that means a lot and has played a significant part in your life.

 

I agree with those that have stated that when one cheats or some other egregious act that one should not tolerate in a relationship, then the cause and the "blame" for the end is more clear. Doesn't mean that it feels any better.

 

What is best to do is to get as much time between yourself and the breakup for the emotions to die down and to learn from it. A lot of people state that you need to focus on yourself and what you want to change. If there was nothing that you did that one would view as a deal breaker, it is not so much what they tell you as the reasons for the breakup, but more about how you reacted to it (e.g. begging, pleading, negotiating, etc...) It isn't about changing to be what the ex told you should change or how you should be. It is about being true to yourself and respecting yourself and the boundaries that honor your self.

[endy]

Do you think it's purely the laws of attraction that govern the dynamics of the relationship between a man and a woman or personality and beliefs play an important role too?

 

Both play a very important role. Although the law of attraction will reinforce that you attract like. In other words if you are not in a healthy mental state, you will not attract another in a healthy state. For instance I am codependent and did not have enough self worth at one time in my life. I would have to do things for others to feel worthy...

 

What did i attract? Women that had psychological issues I felt I needed to take care of. Issues like abandonment, depression, women that had been abused etc. This happened over and over for 12 years. The relationships all basically lasted the same amount of time.

 

The law of attraction does not govern the dynamics of a relationship, however if you're broken, if you do not love yourself... you will have a partner that does not love themselves also. Beliefs are a farce to me. Religion, what society says is right or wrong, politics, and the news and philosophy for example are all ideas by other people that have most likely been beaten into your head. I think a big point for most people in their life or a turning point is when they realize inside that we are spiritual beings. We were not put here to be material based beings, which unfortunately is what most of us have become. Beliefs can always be removed and always changed. I believe that to be important in a lifetime let alone a relationship. Beliefs also manifest in your reality. So in other words... if you believe you can or can't... you're right. That has to do with confidence, but most importantly in terms of the LOA... it matters a lot what you believe. What I did recently is totally wipe out my past belief system. Actually I always had my own. I'de always learn on subjects and decide for myself which I thought was right or wrong.

 

Personality definitely plays an important role, though not as important. Your personality would have to be confident and able to hold that confidence as a man, and it's also important as a woman. Other personality traits are more important to others than some. Do they govern the dynamics of a relationship? I would say to some yes, others no. Someone with certain beliefs, personality would govern more. For example someone with the belief that she needs a man with money etc... that would be part of their personality because of a belief.

 

I think the more a person can let go, be ok with who a person is, and have the intention to understand that person deeply, the less that matters. This is why when using the law of attraction you want to examine exactly who and what you want in a potential partner. KNOW them before you meet them. I think personality doesn't matter as much as far as governing the relationship. I think what personality does is hopefully build attraction throughout the relationship with a compatible partner, and also plays an important role in the success of the relationship or how compatible two are. This is important, because most relationships you can say end because of personal compatibility. In reality they more likely end because of loss of attraction due to personal incompatibility. Because one person changes their behavior. Sometimes subconciously.

 

So are they both important? Yes. The most important part is working on yourself and loving yourself so you will attract like. A woman that is full of love is VERY attractive to males. Also, it's important to know exactly what you want and don't want in their personality. Try listing out positive and negatives in your past relationships to see what you really can live with, and can't live without.

[somethngwrng]

I don't know whether I blame myself for the break up. She was a very unhealthy person and did not treat me decently, which is easily seen that when we finally broke up, she stole from me. I am to blame for her losing attraction - or maybe that's just in her nature.

 

I should have had more self respect. When she became angry and put me down, I should've put my foot down. I should've never let her treat me like that. But the line gets blurred and before I knew it I was regularly on the receiving end of cussing. There were many times I did put my foot down, and she would crawl back apologising for her behaviour. It happened too often though. I just wanted to be with her, so I let her get away with it. When I let her get away with it, it must have made me look weak.

 

We are both to blame. I should've seen the signs of who she is long ago.

[sunnydee]

I have always blamed myself for the break up until a couple of months later when I finally realize it wasn't all me. It takes two people to cause a break up, although one may be more at fault than the other.