Is this really as good as it gets?

[JacsRocksSoMuc]

Hello anyone reading this thread

 

I'm new here, in fact I've never once joined a forum before in my entire interweb life.

 

I'm looking for comfort I suppose... I'm 27 years old, I am a big girl, but I am by no means unattractive. I take care of myself and my look... yes, I like to show off my cleavage, why? Because it's simple, most cute shirts show off the tata's. Does that make me a floozy? No...

 

Truth be told I'm a 27 year old virgin. I am extremely cautious with who I let into my life, and I take good care...no great care of those who I do let in.

 

Recently, I've been on a dating website, it's opened me up a lot, and I've gone out with many different men. The most recent guy I fell extremely hard for. We spoke every day for nearly 5-6 months, we webcammed as well, we also met up in person as often as we could. I almost slept with him, luckily he did not have a condom and I did not go through with it. After dating for a few months it became evident he had no intention on ever making me his girlfriend. I called it off, told him we should just be friends. He was upset over it, but continued to call me daily and talk.... I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him to stop calling me for a while before I hated him... three days later he's in a relationship with another girl... this hurt me in more ways than I ever thought possible. I suddenly felt like a piece of crap... i did everything I could for him, I comforted him when he was feeling down, I went out of my way to make him happy, I was always there for him, I never gave him crap about not being able to do something etc... I was the most understanding person alive... and even throughout last week he had mentioned how wonderful he still thought I was and how he hoped it worked out for us in the future.... so... apparently the future changes within a few days and I'm not good enough to make your girlfriend but someone else is...

 

I just can't describe how hurt I am right now... I've never felt this way. No I didn't love him... but the potential was there, and I suppose on some level I did love him.

 

So I started looking back at all my past dating relationships. They are all the same... guys date me for a few months, say they want more, say they care so much about me, and then they find another girl within an instance. I'm very sweet and affectionate, but I'm not crazy either... I give people their space, I'm probably one of the most unclingy people ever. I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs. But tonight something came over me... I stood up for myself. I sent this guy a message and I told him I was happy for him and that everything made sense now... he was simply using me until this girl came to her senses. That's fine, I just wished he were honest... I also asked him to tell me what was wrong with me? What was so bad about me to make no guy ever want to be with me?

 

I've never thought something was wrong with me before... Not until this time around. I'm a 27 year old who has never had a boyfriend... Each and every time a guy does this to me, it cuts a little deeper, hurts a little more and closes me off for lengthy periods at a time... You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now... but I haven't... I keep hoping that there's someone out there for me... The worst of it is... I didn't go looking for this guy... he kind of just popped up...

 

So... my question is... Is this really all that there is left to my life? Dating guys casually, never having anything meaningful? I dont' want the only good thing in my life to be my job... Is being single the rest of my life really so inconceivable? It hurts when someone is careless with your heart and feelings... but it hurts when the only person you have is yourself too... I don't know what to do

[quirky]

Hi and welcome to eNA,

 

You mention in your post that you weren't good enough and I want to stress that this has nothing to do with how good YOU are. The guy was after something else. Men are quite excitable, perticularly younger men. They say lots of things taht they maybe mean at the time but not the way you mean them (the lasting way).

 

Each and every time a guy does this to me, it cuts a little deeper, hurts a little more and closes me off for lengthy periods at a time..

 

I can really understand that and you will find if you read accross the forum that many people feel this way, it's an awfull feeling. But eventually that someone may spark it in you again. There are no certain answers, many people are in happy relationships, the more open you are to it the more likely love will find you.

[TearsofFate]

You didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. I can point a lot of things he did wrong just by reading your post. I'm assuming he would have had sex with you without a condom had you have let him. That alone shows he's not very caring. He seemed to just be using you for sex. There are a lot of guys like this online, but you did the right thing. You were strong and left him.

 

I met a guy once, who I wanted to date. He always had sex with me without a condom and I did it to please him...eventually I got a yeast infection since he never washes his hands (and I thought it was an STD). Luckily it wasn't, but when I thought it was an STD I just sat there and cried, and realized he wouldn't have cared if it was or not and he was never going to be my boyfriend. He was always talking about other girls who he was seeing but apparently not having sex with.

 

When I finally faced up to him and said "No, no more, you are just using me for sex" he got upset at me (just like how your ex did with you after the confrontation). Don't let this bother you...they never change. I dealt with it for 3 years until I eventually despised him for using me. He knew that I had feelings for him...but he'd never be my boyfriend and keep having sex with me. I finally deleted him out of my life and he chased me for a year or so trying to make up lies and things..and promises I knew weren't true.

 

There are nice guys out there though. You just need to pretend you have a radar...that detects "red flags". Trust me on this...I am pretty good at detecting users, abusers, or people who are not genuine. If a person cares about you, ..they listen to you, they care about you, they try not to make you hurt, and they want you.

 

It took me 10 years to find someone like that..and it was hard for me to open up to him in the beginning since I met about 500 perverts..but then I noticed the clean cut difference of this guy. The good things about abusers or users..is that they make it easy to see the good guys and the bad guys in the end. Use this experience as something that can help you find the person who is right for you. Use this experience to avoid more bad guys like him. Keep saying no to the bad ones, they arn't worth it, trust me.

 

I think you are strong. Don't give up just because some a**hole was being a jerk..that's his problem, not yours, and he has to live with it on his pallet for the rest of his life, knowing that he used girls. Walk away, strong, and know you deserve a heck of a lot better than someone like that!

[JacsRocksSoMuc]

Thanks so much for the encouraging posts... I'm too much of a romance addict to give up entirely. I still really believe that my prince charming is out there... as crazy as that sounds!!! I just get so discouraged when this happens repeatedly. I'm happy I joined this forum, other people really do understand and care and feel what I'm feeling. Thanks again

[abitbroken]

Reading this, I am hearing "I am not * * * * ty, I talked to him a lot, I am not clingy, what am I doing wrong?" I think that it is simply that you are basing on what a guy should feel based on what qualities you have or effort you are putting in to the relationship. Its not so much about the things you do for any random guy, but for the right guy. Decide what you are looking for and what you will tolerate and what you won't.

 

I think that you did not screen him more than you 'got along good" if you got to the point of "almost having sex" and he didnt have a condom. Attitudes about sex should be discussed earlier on. Find out if he is waiting for marriage to have sex, if he waits until he is in love, is officially a boyfriend or does he consider sex important to get to know someone. I think for you, taking on the attitude that you don't sleep with a guy until you are dating exclusively is a good way to be and even more so, not until you are "official", but that's just me. it saves you from the heartache of getting attached to someone who is not attached to you. I think it seemed to you that he just instantly went for this girl when he merely might not have been dating you exclusively and you had the right to ask that earlier on. sometimes we don't want to know.

 

When I met my boyfriend we talked early on about if we were open to being married in the future (not necessarily to eachother), if we were looking to have kids, if our attitudes were to have sex when we were in love or did we feel its an important part in the getting to know you phase.

 

It is easy to talk about it if you see their dating profile - its no big deal to ask them about that because its already "out there". You certainly don't have to be looking for a husband, but you want to date someone that you won't in 5 years be here on ENA talking about how he'll never marry you or how you guys are having a lot of problems and you are trying to iron all your major differences out. If it doesn't work out in the end, at least you were dating someone who could potentially be long term versus a relationshoip that was warmed over months ago.

 

When I met my boyfriend, we got things out of the way in the first three months about what we were looking for (taking things slow to get to know someone but we wanted a relationship, we wanted marriage someday if the right person came along, and I was very adamant about not "living together" - he had a few other things too that he wanted which were very easy and reasonable. Some we didn't have to even discuss because we just "were". he wouldn't date a smoker, etc and i already was a nonsmoker

 

Also, another tip - don't talk to a guy constantly at first, even if he initiates. Don't play games and ignore him, but be busy and don't be constantly available to Skype an chat and visit, because we tend to miss the downside of someone's potential as a boyfriend or date when we put our energy all on one guy before we are even really dating.

[Hollyj]

Are you choosing people with common interests and good looks, or are you choosing people of similar values. A relationship cannot work, unless you have the same values in place. Have you considered meeting others through social settings, (link removed), classes or volunteering?

 

"i did everything I could for him, I comforted him when he was feeling down, I went out of my way to make him happy, I was always there for him, I never gave him crap about not being able to do something etc... I was the most understanding person alive." This is another big problem! If we allow someone to treat us a doormat, people will walk all over us. You sound very sweet, but it doesn't sound like you have many boundaries in place.

 

" also asked him to tell me what was wrong with me? What was so bad about me to make no guy ever want to be with me?" Please don't EVER send something like this to a man again. This guy did not appreciate you, but by writing this you're showing you have little self esteem and respect. You have to believe in yourself. Others do not make do not make you happy, you do!

 

If we keep repeating the same type of relationships, we are the common denominator. I would take a break from dating and try to determine where you continue to make the same mistakes.

[Stockings]

Are you choosing people with common interests and good looks, or are you choosing people of similar values.

 

Excellent point. Sometimes all three things align, but values are crucial.

 

OP, you mentioned that you are becoming more closed off with each new encounter. Are you emotionally available to be in a relationship? Are you open to love? If you are, as you say, becoming more closed off, that could be translating to "not relationship material" and therefore attracting types who don't want relationships.

 

What was so bad about me to make no guy ever want to be with me?

 

Some points to consider:

 

- The guys you've met are by no means representative of the entire male population.

- There is a fundamental flaw in thinking there is something wrong with you because you've been rejected.

- In light of the above, do not rely on men/others for validation.

- You need to be in a place in life where you see yourself as desirable.

- You need to think about what makes you want to be with a man as well, and what he has to offer you.

- This will happen when you establish healthy boundaries for yourself. That entails discussing sex before having sex, amongst other things.

 

If someone isn't open to discussing sex with you when you are approaching that stage, you'll know him to be more casually oriented.