General Question about Cognitive Dissonance - How do girls justify this?

[rbsx]

I'm not asking this question because of any one specific relationship that I've been in, suffice to say this is something that I've observed in many of the girls that I've dated and I'm curious as to how you girls do it. I just don't get it.

 

For the past year I've been tussling with one of my exs, the same one who hates me, yet says I'm the most attractive man in the world. The one who says she'll always pick up my call, then never returns it. The same one who says she misses the fun we have had together, isn't over me, but doesn't care to get off her butt to come and visit. The same one who wants to travel with me, spend time with my family, or sends me texts wishes that I was around to spend time with, or reminisce about trips that we took but doesn't ever put any effort into anything. The same girls who will say "Do whatever you want" but that's actually code word for "You know what I want and you better do exactly that".

 

The worst of course being "I wish we could do that again!" -- well.. why aren't we? Girls generally don't have an answer for that. Actually the worst would be saying "No I miss you but I can't visit you!" Only to see her take a trip to visit someone else at the last minute a week later.

 

I've spent many a phone call with teary eyed girls telling me that they miss me, and all that * * * * and then at the end they're like.. we're friends right? ?

 

After all the tears, you want to be my friend? No thanks.

 

As men this simply doesn't make sense, as an economist we'd say that we have unlimited wants and we are forced to make choices due to limited resources (in this case, the limit of our resource is how much we invest in things). From my point of view, I'd love to have some of these girls as a part of my life. The problem is, I can't have one foot in the 'relationship' life and one foot on the 'friendship' life. It just doesn't work that way, not to mention it's just not possible.

 

I don't understand how girls justify such dissonance between words, and actions, and fundamental disconnects between what they expect versus what is reasonable given what has been invested. Maybe girls do want both. Maybe some girls are scared of real commitment. Maybe some girls are bitter. Maybe some girls care but don't know how to express it.

 

I don't know, but this is hard to process.

[dabbledave]

"The universe is female

Eluding the science of men

You sway and swagger

With your mean little dagger

You're going to blow it again."

 

-- Steve Kilbey (from the song "Essence" by The Church)

 

Great question, rbsx.

 

I've no answers.

 

I also wonder whether ladies get the same confused feedback from their ex-boyfriends.

 

DD

[rbsx]

In so far as whether they get the same confused feedback? My ex sure did. Though, she still says us not getting along is my fault.

 

 

 

 

Maybe I should throw this question out there too:

 

How do women manage to externalize their guilt so well? Frankly, no girl I've met has ever taken responsibility for their actions, and consensus amongst me and my friends is that sorry is a word that women rarely feel the need to use towards us men. If anything, they've used the guys they've been dating as conduits to seek either absolution for things they've done, or for guys to take the burden of responsibility for them.

 

Now, furthermore, us men are responsible for letting us happen. When was the last time that a girl came to you looking for support and you said "Oh, it's not your fault!" (When we all absolutely know it is) or when they have a problem, we say "don't worry, I'll deal with it".

[jonr87]

I cannot offer anything more that would improve on the question posed by rbsx. You've framed this perfectly- an experience i've been ravelled within for the last 7 months. I've often put it down to pure narcissism on the lady's behalf, fuelled by my availability to listen, often inadvertently feeding her ego. I'm interested to see how this conversation develops. Pleased it's been put out there.

[bulletproof]

 

For the past year I've been tussling with one of my exs...

 

This behavior is not specific to females. Some people, male or female, just don't mean what they say or say what they mean.

 

And it's your choice to be doing this back and forth with her for a year. Why would you do that?

[Seraphim]

This behavior is not specific to females. Some people, male or female, just don't mean what they say or say what they mean.

 

And it's your choice to be doing this back and forth with her for a year. Why would you do that?

 

I agree, no behavior is gender specific.

[Brendon3]

Well the thing to remember about women is this:

 

'Watch what they do, rather than what they say' -

 

To truly know if they mean what they say, watch their actions. Actions speak louder than words. If she is telling you she misses you, and 'wishes she could do that again', but then doesn't do anything about it, what does that tell you?

 

However, I will say this, Remember that as a man, you have to lead. You have to make things happen. So when they throw the carrot in

front of your face, they are not necessarily going to be the ones to take action. Be the man, and LEAD.

 

Then if she is still hesitant and doesn't comply, you know that she doesn't really mean it.

 

hope that helps!

[Seraphim]

^^ That applies to all people men included. Watch ALL people for actions and words not just women.

[WindowTo]

This really is not as complicated as people make it out to be. Sometimes, when a woman (and a few men) respond to something or say something, they are usually referring to a reflection of how they feel about it at that moment as opposed to a well considered stance in respect to events and experience. As they say a man's word is his honor, a women's word is her true expression at the moment. It is not quite lying to them because it is really how they feel in the moment, and the fact that they might feel differently about it 20 minutes later does not make their feelings now irrelevant even if they are aware that such a change is likely to happen. So your reaction to this sort of behavior should be to listen to what these people say more like poetry. Interpret the tone and feelings behind the words, and if you want to get a different reaction appeal to her emotions not to a rational line of argument with a negative tone.

[Angel Irulan]

The cognitive dissonance I hear is coming from OP. You think it's unfriendly of an ex to have to hear their tears? Well, then why think about these girls? By the way, I think the behaviors you speak of sound really passive aggressive, but in a more normal way. Ladies are socialized to sublimate their anger and it often comes out as tears. I admit that is changing over time, but each generation has it's addition to the equation.

 

Really, if it's problems you want: how about guys who think it's great to play the player with women, and that all of us want just that?

 

Angel

[abitbroken]

I think that some girls who cry they miss you genuinely do, but they are hoping that you will remedy that situation. They are making you aware of a need and are hoping that you tell them you want to see them or make plans to see them. It is not necessarily playing games. It is putting one's feelers out really. Its like me hinting around the "L" word to sort of assess if the water was safe with my bf before saying it. But really, sometimes womnen are not wanting you to act but just wanting to know if you feel the same.

 

I think your most recent ex is beyond something like that, though. She is throwing you a rope - saying you are handsome and will always pick up just to keep you on a string. . She may not know what she wants, but certainly doesn't want anything serious with you. Heck, I think a certain australian actor is extremely handsome, and even though he is married and I am seeing someone, I WOULD pick up the phone if he called. I would probably ask him about his acting method, etc, but I would definitely pick up. There would be no romantic interest involved. And so with your ex.

 

I would simply not give her any calls to "wait for".

[rbsx]

Yeah she puts feelers out there with me because she knows that I would help externalize guilt and responsibility. Actually, you're the first girl in this thread to actually try and provide some sort of explanation. Ironically all the other girls externalized responsibility.

 

You know what that bolded part is? It's called baiting someone. Making them vulnerable, and then as you said, my ex whacks me over the head. The fact I don't need compliments from her, because her actions don't demonstrate the same kindness. Which is fine, I don't expect her to be kind, but I don't want her to launch a PR campaign every time we talk to hear about how great of a person she is... when her actions don't demonstrate the words she spews from her mouth.

 

Suffice to say, any communications I've had with her since we had our last blow up have been very superficial in nature.

[rbsx]

I should also say one of them still brings up how beautiful our kids would be, and marriage, etc. without realizing that it's just completely inappropriate given the context of our relationship.

 

Pfft.

[Thorshammer]

When things walk down the path where they talk about how they miss you, and how they miss what both of you were, but doesnt take the steps to recreate it, it signals to me a loss of attraction. I know the OP says his ex said he was the most attractive in the world, but sometimes attraction goes up and down, and its not based on the physical, its based on our behavior that reflects attraction to some people. My ex left me when I was getting the most muscled, a lot of girls were staring at me and made it obvious to her that they had interest in me in front of her. But, behavior-wise, we lost compatibility. We lost the attraction to stay together. My ex would always grab my pecs, and she never let me breath to watch a movie, but she still left me cold.

 

A simple week of neediness from our parts when a partner has doubts (doubts from her will multiply this bad behavior from us, hence the spiral downard), will spiral for some people. If we lose compatibility and the "glue" to stay with them, then all we have is attraction that might cling on for a few months, and it will be up and down for some couples. Once attraction is out the door, so will we. And keeping in contact with an ex who broke up with you, and hanging on her words, will lose further attraction for you. Many sense this desperation, hopefully the people in question arent doing that for ego-boosts, and are doing that just because they are fools and dont know any better.

 

I am not saying this is the case for the op's first post, but this is pretty common. People dont easily leave when they still have attraction unless there is a HUGE issue (cheating, depression, a really bad fight, etc.).

[rbsx]

Let's just say we didn't break up because we didn't love each other, but that she had to move home because of a catastrophic issue with her family. There was a lot of unresolved issues.

 

It's funny that you should bring up the loss in attraction, because that is what has happened. It's not that she is any less beautiful, or smart, but that she as a person is not nearly as endearing to me as she used to be.

[bulletproof]

Actually, you're the first girl in this thread to actually try and provide some sort of explanation. Ironically all the other girls externalized responsibility.

 

You know what that bolded part is? It's called baiting someone. Making them vulnerable, and then as you said, my ex whacks me over the head.

 

What does it mean that all the other girls externalized responsibility? If anyone is blaming external factors, it's you. You choose to speak to your ex. You choose to put yourself thorough this. And then you are angry at her. Take responsibility for your own life and stop putting yourself in the situation. Nobody can "make" you vulnerable. You make yourself vulnerable.

[rbsx]

What does it mean that all the other girls externalized responsibility? If anyone is blaming external factors, it's you. You choose to speak to your ex. You choose to put yourself thorough this. And then you are angry at her. Take responsibility for your own life and stop putting yourself in the situation. Nobody can "make" you vulnerable. You make yourself vulnerable.

 

Sorry, maybe you misunderstand, I would love to be able to talk to some of my exs. I dated them because they were great people. The problem is that talking to them usually results in them blaming me for something.