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Why do girls talk/joke about random cute guys (i.e. a waiter) around other guys?


benkuske

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I know this can vary between different people and different circumstances, but just wondering in my case:

 

Hanging out in a group setting (about 12 of us at dinner), all in our mid 20s, this girl knows I am interested in her and we've hung out a few times with friends, and she seems to be at least somewhat interested in return as she'll keep wanting to hang out, respond well to questions asked, etc. etc. But, I don't think either of us are sure and we haven't known each other very long, but do have a lot of mutual friends. I'd like to hang out 1-2 times more casually in groups and then ask her out.

 

Anyway, just wondering why her and her friends might joke about the waiter and giving him their number, etc. - that sort of thing. Clearly joking, but laughing and being goofy about it, initiated mostly I think by the girl I'm interested in. What's the mindset behind this, or is there any?

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I was gonna say joking was probably all in good fun, but giving him their number? Clearly joking? *shrugs*

But you could probably join in on the fun too to get closer with her, point out guys she should go for, lots of teasing, and joke around.

 

 

@king6, I don't think they're trying to make him jealous at all. That's over analyzing. It really does sound like they're messing around and that's how they get their kicks.

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Yes, she was flirting with the waiter and hoping he'll call her - but being lighthearted about it. Doing this sort of thing with a light heart means that she'd be likely to have fun if they did go on a date, and she'd be very unlikely to pine for him if he doesn't call at all.

 

I'm curious as to how she knows you're interested in her if you haven't actually asked her out, you say you're not sure about each other and you don't know each other very well. However, you are clearly not dating and she owes you nothing - far from trying to make you jealous, she just thought the waiter was cute and that your group were hanging out as friends.

 

It all sounds quite straightforward to me from her point of view; she's not to know you've got an agenda of your own if you haven't actually talked to her about it.

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Why do you make everything into 'Why do girls...'?

 

Girls don't do this stuff. This one particular girl does. What her motivation is I do not know, but if she knows you are interested, and nothing has happened, I think she isn't as interested in you, sorry. She could have been joking, she could have been trying to make you jealous, she could have just been totally unaware of how it came accross.

 

She'll probably have more time for you if you stop making judgements about a whole sex based on one person's behaviour.

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haha I think I miscommunicated some of this. It was her and her three friends joking about it, as if, "ha, what if we did that" - but (1) none of them are the type to do that (2) they didn't and (3) they weren't flirting with the waiter, they barely talked to him in our group. She knows I am interested her because her friend noticed it a couple weeks ago, and I told her friend straight up "yes I'm interested in getting to know her more" ... another one of her friends mentioned to one of my girl friends that "she knows I'm super into her, but doesn't know if it's reciprocal" and that the girl is "cautious with that sort of stuff"... I feel the same way.

 

Anyway, not trying to get into all the details of it, I guess the basic question was just is it just girls being girls, end of story - or do girls sometimes intentionally bring up misc. "celebrity crushes" whether its a firefighter or a waiter or a movie star (when they have no intention of doing anything about it) around guys (especially if they may be interested, or given or situation) for a particular reason?

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The same reason that some guys talk about which female celebrities are hot or not in front of women - because it's fun and that's what you do around your friends. Jesus. Calm down. It's not like you're exclusive. And I know personally, when I'm around a guy friend I might be interested in, it's not like I'm going to refrain from talking about my crush on Jon Hamm if he's brought up. In my experience, guys who can roll with that kind of conversation (and/or admit that they have a guy crush on Jon Hamm) are much more attractive than ones who suddenly try to overthink my intentions.

 

Women are not that mysterious.

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I try to avoid talking about guys at all in front of a guy I'm interested in so that he won't think I'm not interested (if there's a guy who is interested in me and I am not, I may use the reverse tactic, talking about a cute guy at the gym and whether I should ask him out, that sort of thing). That being said, I've definitely talked about a guy being cute, or a guy I dated in front of someone I was interested in, because I was nervous and also trying to find something funny and interesting to say, and instead put my foot in my mouth. Some girls might think this is fun and flirty since they are teasing you and making you a little bit jealous (but showing they are not REALLY interested by not showing any actual interest in the waiter). I'm not saying this was a smart or sleek or well-informed move, but I'll be honest and admit I've said some and done some pretty stupid/awkward things while trying to tease/flirt with/have conversation with a guy I like (blame the giddiness hormones).

 

I wouldn't drop my interest in this girl based on this one event. If you start noticing that she does this a lot though, I'd say she's either trying to tell you she's not interested, is someone who would do this in a relationship all the time (not something you want IMO), or else super immature. Either way not good signs.

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I think people need to learn from the consequences of their actions.

 

Plus I think it makes you look weak and desperate to ask them out when they have expressed interest in someone else right in front of you. There's a good chance it will be either "Wow, man, can't you take a hint, I am not interested in you" or "Well, I just showed interest in someone else and now you are interested? Yuck"

 

Especially since she knows you expressed interest in her to her friend.

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I think people need to learn from the consequences of their actions.

 

Plus I think it makes you look weak and desperate to ask them out when they have expressed interest in someone else right in front of you. There's a good chance it will be either "Wow, man, can't you take a hint, I am not interested in you" or "Well, I just showed interest in someone else and now you are interested? Yuck"

 

Especially since she knows you expressed interest in her to her friend.

 

Yes but ... I don't think I would write anyone off because of one thing they did (ok yes I would, but it would have to be something more major than this). I don't think she was actually "expressing interest" in the waiter because they mostly ignored the waiter and didn't have much to do with him. Clearly they thought it was a funny joke - immature, thoughtless and tactless, but I'm quite sure no one really wanted the waiter's number. It could honestly be a one-off, ill-advised way she was trying to tease him or flirt with him. If he really likes her, I think it's a shame to move on because of this one incident.

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I think this has been covered in the thread already, but to me it sounds like she is stating she is not interested in you without saying it.

Personally I find this kind of behavior spineless and juvenile.

Potentially more hurtful to the person who is interested than it is to hear them say they aren't interested.

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Yes but ... I don't think I would write anyone off because of one thing they did (ok yes I would, but it would have to be something more major than this). I don't think she was actually "expressing interest" in the waiter because they mostly ignored the waiter and didn't have much to do with him. Clearly they thought it was a funny joke - immature, thoughtless and tactless, but I'm quite sure no one really wanted the waiter's number. It could honestly be a one-off, ill-advised way she was trying to tease him or flirt with him. If he really likes her, I think it's a shame to move on because of this one incident.
Well, for many men (don't know about the OP) it is hard enough to ask a woman out in the first place because of not wanting to be rejected. To expect them to ask her out after that is expecting a lot when it is entirely possible it was a "don't ask me out" coded message - after all, many women won't ask men out at all. You said yourself you do that to turn men off asking you out. Why would you expect someone to try after that?
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I wouldn't discount her because of it. You've got another thread going about how (1) you're interested in her and another girl in her social circle, and (2) each of them knows you've been pursuing the other. If you can express your interest in another girl with whom she associates socially, why can't she joke about flirting with someone else with her friends?

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I wouldn't discount her because of it. You've got another thread going about how (1) you're interested in her and another girl in her social circle, and (2) each of them knows you've been pursuing the other. If you can express your interest in another girl with whom she associates socially, why can't she joke about flirting with someone else with her friends?
If he was doing it in front of the girls that would apply - if he isn't, it doesn't.
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Each of the girls knows he's pursuing the other, and so does their large group of mutual girlfriends. If a guy was openly pursuing me + someone in my social circle - especially if all of my friends knew about it - I would most certainly not be tiptoeing around his feelings. Plus, based on this...

 

It was her and her three friends joking about it, as if, "ha, what if we did that" - but (1) none of them are the type to do that (2) they didn't and (3) they weren't flirting with the waiter, they barely talked to him in our group.

 

It sounds like she and her friends were just joking around. If a guy was pursuing a close associate of mine and attempted to "call me out" or teach me a lesson about joking with friends about a waiter, I would laugh in his face.

 

And OP, to your subsequent question - I don't think there's any deep hidden meaning behind it. Women are prone to chattering about attractive men when in groups.

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Yes, you're right, I read the thread. It could be some sort of payback.

 

I still don't think it is a sign of interest though.

 

As for chattering about attractive men in groups - if they are interested in a man in that group then they should wise up and stop doing it. It's silly behaviour if they want him to ask them out.

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As for chattering about attractive men in groups - if they are interested in a man in that group then they should wise up and stop doing it. It's silly behaviour if they want him to ask them out.

 

You'd think. But jealousy games are a huge part of a woman's arsenal, especially in the 18-25 age group. They hope you'll be afraid of losing them and ask them out a lot of the time. It's meat to spurn you into action.

 

It's hard to tell when they have no interest or are just doing it to get you to ask them out. I can't tell from the OP. I don't think once can unless you ask them out.

 

I don't go for women trying to make me jealous personally. The one place my thinking got me was long-term single.

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You'd think. But jealousy games are a huge part of a woman's arsenal, especially in the 18-25 age group. They hope you'll be afraid of losing them and ask them out a lot of the time. It's meat to spurn you into action.

 

I don't go for it. The one place my thinking got me was long-term single.

I understand that. But since we know that people also do this in an attempt to turn away those that they are not interested in (or maybe for revenge) then how is a man (or woman, if a guy does it) to know the difference?

 

Additionally, who needs someone who plays childish games?

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