Generally, how does the dumper feel?

[mecastillo1987]

I'm just curious...

 

(I'm the dumpee, and have been trying NC, 'cept... I didn't just disappear, I actually said "Goodbye"

 

In general, how does a dumper feel?

Does it vary according to issues in the relationship? (Cheating, Emotional Abuse, Boredom, GIGS?)

Does it depend on how long the relationship lasted?

Is there a particular time when they start to miss the dumpee?

How often will they think about getting back together with the ex?

 

I'd love to know your thoughts, especially from the dumpers out there.

[Wutdo]

Depends.

 

After numerous painful conversations, my latest ex within those said she was supposedly torn in the situation and felt guilty. However, she's practically living with someone else and been messing with him since about a week after she dumped me. So, I'd say they don't really feel anything, assuming the situation was somewhat fine. Like my case, her feelings changed about me and she stuck with not communicating about this, then bailed after "trying" to feel the same for quite a few months. But by the time she dumped she had definitely already checked out, emotion wise, from the relationship. She doesn't look back and pretty much thought I would be over it all after a day or two. I didn't come to accept this situation till earlier today, lol.

 

As a dumper:

 

I've cut off people also. But that was generally because of something they did, or mind games. In which case, I was sad, more for myself. Didn't care about their feelings, because they had caused the situation(Hurt me with no remorse). I had no lingering feelings and didn't look back. But those that I cut off generally... weren't as serious as when I was dumped. So... ehh. There's only one that I think about every once in a while. Like how is she doing? But she had emotional problems, insecurities, the whole works. It was unhealthy for both sides.

[king6]

They dumped you for a reason and Id say they arent seeking out feelings, they are trying to move on to the next best thing for them.

 

Every situation is different, but Id say generally they are thinking about only their selves now.

 

Everything else your asking my opinion those questions are pointless to ask because nobody knows, reality is there are no guidlines or common events that happen after a relationship ends. You will know those questions when the time comes.. and they say its always when its to late if it does ever come.

 

Im the dumpee and Ive had many chats with my ex when she was finally able to talk to me about things, she has told me she did miss me the entire time and thought about me almost everyday, she still cared for me and there have been many times she thought about reconciling. However, that doesnt mean shes ever acted on any of it, nor did anything ever change..she decided to pursue other relationships. So in short, even if you knew those questions.. they dont mean anything.

[Daylight]

What I have to say that I have talked a lot with my ex lately (3 months after BU)

He thinks about me, cares about me, worries about me, still have feelings about me BUT I have to agree with king6. HE IS REALLY THINKING ONLY ABOUT HIMSELF TRYING TO MOVE ON! He jumped in another relationship 2 weeks after BU. Whatever he feels about me he fights against it. He has made up his mind!

[Flyingpiglet]

I have been the dumper just once... But he was quite a possesive, controlling person and I had checked out of our relationship emotionally way before I actually did the deed.

But still, I hated it, I hated the fact that he was so upset. I hated to see him broken and begging for me to take him back. This was the guy I had fallen in love with years previous.

Of course, all the things that had been wrong about our relationship he offered to change.

I let him convince me that we should try 3 months of dating and doing things together while living seperately. But I was just delaying the inevitable.

 

Of course I missed him and I worried about him. I only ever wanted to see him happy.

 

But I wasn't willing to sacrifice my own happiness to the cause.

 

IMO, If love isn't a two way street in a relationship, then there will never be a happy ever after!

 

Footnote.... It took me three years to move on... He's been in a new relationship for over a year now and is super happy... And I am genuinely happy for him and his SO

[offplanet]

When I've done it, I've felt a strong sense of relief and freedom. Because those times, I had got involved with someone and then regretted it, and felt trapped. I felt very guilty at having got into that situation and ended up hurting the person, but I didn't feel that I could have foreseen it happening that my feelings would change. I still cared about them, but I felt relieved to be out of a false situation.

[Eocsor]

I'd say relief, like a heavy load has been lifted off of you and maybe a little guilt.

 

Thats why a lot of dumpers don't want to hear from the dumpee. I mean really, the dumpers made a descision to make themselves happy and moved on. Why would they want to be dragged back down by the dumpee who essentially is trying to guilt them into reuniting.

[calichick007]

Relief, most likely. Maybe some guilt, depending on the reason. By the time someone dumps you they've probably been contemplating it for awhile, gradually distancing themselves from you emotionally. I think it's natural for feelings to linger to some degree, but that's probably not the predominant emotion.

[mecastillo1987]

I've been reading around the forum that the anger and resentment coming from the dumper lasts for about the first couple weeks or months after the break-up; but then feelings of missing the dumpee start coming in --(IF No Contact was strictly observed), no matter how bad the break-up.

 

Is this true for most cases?

[Glowguy]

I've been reading around the forum that the anger and resentment coming from the dumper lasts for about the first couple weeks or months after the break-up; but then feelings of missing the dumpee start coming in --(IF No Contact was strictly observed), no matter how bad the break-up.

 

Is this true for most cases?

 

In my case that was pretty true. I had a lot of anger and resentment toward my ex. I didn't really want to break up with her but felt forced into it. I still don't think she treated me well or was very invested in the relationship at the end. The resentment was mostly gone after 3 or 4 months. I did still think about her all the time and of course thought about reconciling but I knew there was just no way that was going to happen so I forced myself to move on. Mainly I just missed the familiarity and companionship of knowing someone that closely.... and also the sex (not that there was much of that going on before we split). In the end I knew we weren't right and it was never going to work so it had to be done.