How to handle working with an ex?

[averytaylor]

How do I handle working with my ex boyfriend that just dumped me?

 

A few days ago he broke up with me after work, and he was gentle about it. During our relationship we fought a lot about little things, because we're both stubborn argumentative people. But otherwise we were fine, always had fun, and made each other happy. He said he just didn't want a girlfriend right now and I was too young for him (I'm 18 live with my parents he's 20 lives on his own.. we live different lifestyles right now). He claimed that he still cared about me a lot and would always be here for me. He made me promise that I wouldn't quit my job either, because we both work at the same small restaurant together. Let's say AWKWARD. Of course I cried, but I didn't start begging or act desperate or anything like that. He gave me a hug and wouldn't let me drive home until I was done crying.

 

So the next night we had to work together, and we didn't say a word to each other. He asked some of my friends that I worked with how I was doing, and they replied that I was fine and all I said about the break up was that work would be weird.

 

The night after that we worked together again, but this time we were civil, not having a conversation but we weren't ignoring each other. Before work, my ex from a while ago that I never got completely over asked if I was working. I told him yes, not thinking he'd come in to see me. Well he did. BAD IDEA.

 

My recent ex was livid. He called me right after we got off work and blew up on me, screaming that I was immature and stupid for doing that and I only used him to make my old ex jealous. He hung up on me just as I was three words into explaining that HE is the one that broke up with me and he has no room to get angry.

 

Then he went and called my best friend, ranting about how much of an idiot I was being for going back to him after I swore that I hated him and never wanted anything to do with him again. My recent ex knew all about my old ex and how bad he hurt me when we broke up. He said that he still cares about me a lot and doesn't want a relationship. He also doesn't want to see me get hurt by my old ex. He said that he'd hunt him down and beat the * * * * t out of him if he did.

 

So basically, I don't have any feelings or attraction left for my old ex. I just wanted to be on good terms with him at least, so I could only focus on getting over the most recent break up. But that seems impossible because I'm going to be seeing him all the time and working with him, and there is no possible way to do complete NC. I also want to know if there's a chance me and my recent ex will ever get back together..? Not any time soon.. it's just a thought I have on the backburner.

[LDRohnos]

Er um... I would seriously consider taking a Michael Jordan type retirement from dating for awhile first off. You're having a good career but try something else like baseball for a bit. Come back in 6-12 months though.

 

This is really why you do not **** where you eat. I don't know what to tell you other than to be as cordial and professional as possible around him. Make it clear that if he wants to talk to you it's to be about work only.

[averytaylor]

Ha ha funny.. but not helpful whatsoever -__-

[endy]

Uh, yeah that relationship sounds no good. I think you need to take a break and work on yourself as well. Most people that don't grieve a relationship and then need to get involved with someone else have insecurity issues or need to feel important in that way and that's why they do it. They lack self worth. Work on that a bit, but you are also young. Very normal at this age.

 

What was the gap inbetween relationships and how long did each last? What you do at work is keep NC and just communicate if needed for professional reasons. Does it suck and is it harder than true NC yes. Check out the book by Susan J elliot Getting past your breakup. Gives you a pretty damn good explanation and instruction on how to keep NC. Even when you work with the person. It will also help your improve a bit in the relationship department and tell you how to grieve a relationship the proper way which you should do.

 

What you described above was not love. Love is an act in a relationship. People that love each other recognize their partners are suffering and in pain. They don't lash back out at them to cause more. In other words they take care of it when their partner is suffering. They are not quick to act. They do not react to the pain caused by the other person. When they do, they realize it. They recognize things like anger, pain, suffering with compassion, insight, and understanding. Only then is love possible. There's a lot for you to learn, but you're young. I wouldn't go back to the relationship above. I would be single for a year at least.

[averytaylor]

Thank you, that was very helpful. There was a two month gap in between the two relationships, and I definitely used the second one to get over the first one. I thought it was a form of healing, when in reality it was just a flimsy band-aid. I liked the guy a lot, and I was starting to develop strong feelings for him, which is why I would have wanted to get back together eventually even if it was months and months from now. But I think being single for a while is best.. besides, I'm hoping to be going off to university 6 hours away from my home town next fall anyway

[endy]

In general you want to take 6 months to a year off in between relationships. At least significant ones. Use that as a rule of thumb. Once you are back on your feet and feeling good about yourself by yourself... you can date but take it slow. Make sure you aren't doing things like comparing other guys to your ex etc. My guess is there are still hidden feelings for your ex before this one.

 

I want you to understand that attraction and getting strong feelings for someone right away is part of an "in love" feeling. It's just an ideal of love. Really that's not what love is at all. Love comes from inside of you. The goal of everyone should be to be able to feel that "in love" feeling while singe. Love yourself, before you love another always. Because if you don't love yourself first and foremost you are not capable of loving another properly either. True love, and even that in love feeling is coming from inside of you. When you "fall in love" it's just love being reflected off each person like a mirror.

 

Start now on all of this. It will benefit your future. Get to know someone before you decide if they are the right person for you. Date them for a month or two. Don't just jump in full bore. The most important thing though is that you grieve the relationship. Take time to do this with both. Do not ever use someone as a band aid like that above. For one, it's not fair to the other person's feelings. For two it's going to bite you in the ass further down the road. For three answer this question... Would you ever want to be with a person that you know is broken?