sea change Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I went to lecture with my best friend she introduced me to her male friend.. he seems okay. But he doesn't respect my boundaries or anyone for that matter. I dont get it. Is it my fault? I am already uncomfortable with people touching me especially guys.. i prefer not to be touched and we get along okay. But if they start touching me even in a light way I can't handle it. Her friend touches me a lot.. I dont like it. I never said anything at first because I thought it was just a coincidence, that maybe we were walking too close together. But then he lifted me up.. I didnt like it at all. My feet hurt and he thought it was okay to pick me up and touch me. I screamed and told him to back off. He might thought i was weird because he told me to chill.. After that I just got uncomfortable and didnt want to be around him. A lot of guys in my life even people I come into contact with through school or business have this problem. Touching me. Without my permission... Am I doing something wrong here? Shoudl I feel bad about not wanting to be touched without permission? Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Do you have a comfortable, approachable demeanor? Are you petite? I realize some people are more touchy feely than others, but you seem to be experiencing a pattern. Have you tried standing with more, I don't know, dignity or confidence? I'm not saying this is your fault, but maybe a small adjustment in the way you come accross to people will make you seem less open. Link to comment
sea change Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Do you have a comfortable, approachable demeanor? Are you petite? I realize some people are more touchy feely than others, but you seem to be experiencing a pattern. Have you tried standing with more, I don't know, dignity or confidence? I'm not saying this is your fault, but maybe a small adjustment in the way you come accross to people will make you seem less open. I am petite.. I am only 5'2" I dont know if that is petite but I am small. Dignity and confidence? What do you mean? People tell me they sense confidence when they see me. But do you think i am doing something wrong? Please help if you do.. Link to comment
TheVP Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Sea change, this clingy guy really needs to be a little more REFLECTIVE about your feelings. Link to comment
wiseoldwoman Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 You might simply need to be more assertive. When people touch you in a way you don't like, simply state openly "hey, no offense, I'm a kind of nontouchy person and like my own space, so. . ." If someone can't respect that, it's their problem. But you can't blame someone who is a touchy person to know by osmosis that you don't like to be touched. Just state the facts so they know where they are. Link to comment
Alezia Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 The way you handled the situation is probably not the best. Screaming and shrieking out don't touch me and he lifts you off the ground is probably not any helpful - he will just dismiss your behaviour as 'silly and cute'. I would simply say in a calm manner that you would appreciate it if he did not touch you. Don't scream or yell or do anything dramatic. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 These two things are interrelated sea change. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 you remind me of another poster REFLECTIVE..hmmmm anyway,if yo dont lik eit tell them. it's not that hard to figure out Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 you remind me of another poster REFLECTIVE. Sea change, this clingy guy really needs to be a little more REFLECTIVE about your feelings. Yeah the posts are kind of familiar aren't they? Hm! Honestly sea change you don't see how this is somewhat relative (reflective?) to ? Link to comment
sea change Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 You might simply need to be more assertive. When people touch you in a way you don't like, simply state openly "hey, no offense, I'm a kind of nontouchy person and like my own space, so. . ." If someone can't respect that, it's their problem. But you can't blame someone who is a touchy person to know by osmosis that you don't like to be touched. Just state the facts so they know where they are. What if I do tell them this.. and they keep doing it. Do i have to keep reminding? Link to comment
sea change Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 The way you handled the situation is probably not the best. Screaming and shrieking out don't touch me and he lifts you off the ground is probably not any helpful - he will just dismiss your behaviour as 'silly and cute'. I would simply say in a calm manner that you would appreciate it if he did not touch you. Don't scream or yell or do anything dramatic. No I did not scream yell at him It just slipped out more like my voice got louder than it normally does i speak very soft so it startled him and me Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Sea change: It has everything to do with the sexual abuse you talked about in your other thread yesterday. The same advice would apply in this thread. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I am petite.. I am only 5'2" I dont know if that is petite but I am small. Dignity and confidence? What do you mean? People tell me they sense confidence when they see me. But do you think i am doing something wrong? Please help if you do.. Again, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. And, I'm sure this has a lot to do with your other post when you spoke of early sexual abuse. But, if you are petite and you also mentioned you speak softly, that combination, well, often gives off a child like quality that reduce other people's perceived personal space boundaries. An example would be it is somewhat common to rub or pat a small child on the head - their head is about hand height and they're cute and kids are generally receptive to attention and have minimal boundaries regarding personal space. People may have a similar perception of your demeanor and feel more free to touch you. It's like looking at a child and thinking "you're so darn cute, I have to give you a pinch." Although I have to admit, picking you up is a stretch. Maybe that occurred because he was a friend of a friend and he felt more of an associative rapport than you did. Anyway, how can you change this? Well, if you normally speak softly, stand somewhat closed and minimized, like with your head down or pointed down, your feet together, your shoulders slumped and your arms crossed, that can come accross as very submissive and will lower people's perception of your personal space boundaries. If you speak with a bit more authority, stand up straight with your head held high, your feet at shoulder width and your shoulders back and straight, and your arms at your side, you come accross with a sense of authority and confidence. Think of a soldier standing at attention - you don't have to be that exaggerated, just more towards that direction. That will make you appear less approachable and will reinforce heightened personal space boundaries. Again, you're not doing anything wrong. This is just a suggestion to think about and maybe try. People who already know you may need a verbal boundary mentioned to them in a calm, non emotional manner. If you come accross as annoyed or upset when you state your boundary, that will make some people continue the behavior just to test and tease you. I hope this helps. Link to comment
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