why won't my husband tell me how he feels about me?

[mem4625]

Why won't my husband tell me how he feels about us? (married 30 years) I asked him how he thinks we are doing (relationship wise) and he answers, "I don't know, how do you think we are doing?" Two days later, laying in bed at night, I ask him, if he is content in our marriage and he says no and when I press him for why he doesn't try to do something to make it better he says stress from work, fatigue, then gets mad and says he feels like I'm blaming him for any problems we have. So I shut up and nothing more is said. Three days later, I ask him if he will please talk to me in the morning and tell me how he feels about me, he says yes, but hasn't talked to me yet. Last night in bed, I say, can I ask you one question, he says yes, I said, "so I take it that you don't really care what happens with us?". He says, " yes I care". Thats it! Nothing more!

I don't get it. We don't fight, don't have any problems to speak of. Granted, he is stressed and tired from work but I don't demand anything, we talk very little, I don't hen peck him about anything. I have purposely withdrawn because it doesn't seem like he wants to be close. But I'm at the point where I need to know if this is how its going to be from here on out so I can re-evaluate my life and do something to compensate for my loneliness like a new hobby or something. Anyway, my question is why doesn't he talk? I realize men don't like to talk about things like this anyway but when your wife point blank asks you to please talk to me and tell me how you feel and you still won't........what does that mean? So outside of depression, stress, etc, WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN A MAN WON'T TALK? (I don't suspect someone else) Thanks for any help I can get.

[MrFrustration]

My advice is don't push the subject... leave it be. If you continue to push and ask that non confrontational relationship will turn into one.

 

Sometimes we don't know the words to say. Are you very active socially? Sexually are you pleasing each other? When is the last time you both have gone out with your friends... seperately? There could be a lot of things that can change a marriage. Sometimes you just lose sight of what it is you are together because of. It might be time to try to rekindle a flame that might be low.

 

Do something different, break from the norm. See how it is received. It doesn't mean he doesn't care what happens, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you... you guys are going through a transition. Figure out how to transition smoothly and you will be all good.

 

Hope this helps.

[quantumst8]

Try sleeping in a different room and see if he misses you.

[wiseoldwoman]

Consider talking about things in a more relaxed manner or environment. Sometimes people have an easier time talking while they're engaged in some type of manual activity. Perhaps painting a porch together or taking a bike ride. But most importantly, rather than asking point blank questions that are difficult for someone who's good at communicating would have a difficult time with, ask more general ones that are more about him rather than the onerous "our relationship" ones. Ask him what he's finding most stressful at work; ask him whether he ever fantasizes about the perfect vacation and what it would entail. In other words, let him know you're interested in him as a person, not just in the relationship you have with him. It will give both of you a chance to get to know one another again and once you do that, he might feel more comfortable with the relationship talk. Or talk yourself, giving him openings to contribute, should he so desire. Talk about how you're feeling about the relationship or what you need from it or what you think could be done to improve it. Don't use language that suggests things are his fault or that you expect him to fix things and don't whine or nag about things from the past. Instead, talk about what you'd like the future to look like, what you're planning on doing to improve things - asking him whether it's something he'd like - etc. The way you're approaching this right now is the way to most guarantee the conversation will go nowhere because he's feeling pressured by your questions, without feeling as though you're truly interested in the answers. He's afraid if he's honest, you'll get angry and if he's not, what's the point of answering? Plus they're just difficult questions to answer, period.

[offplanet]

Maybe because if he answers honestly, his answers would upset you, and he doesn't want the upset. Whatever reason he's not content, he might not think there's any way of fixing it, so no point telling you and upsetting you.

[misssmithviii]

Well I'm not a guy, but I wanted to share my thoughts...

 

I've come to the sad and horrible conclusion that talking is not something men in general particularly like to do, and they like doing it less when they're stressed.

 

In my opinion, at base - ANYBODY in a situation that's uncomfortable or uneasy, will do whatever they can to rectify that situation to their level of comfort. This is the nature of people. When you're itchy, you scratch; when you're dissatisfied in a marriage, you divorce; when you're getting bad grades and losing your scholarship, you study; when you feel neglected and ignored by your spouse, you vent and try to make things better. If he's not paying any attention to your needs, you must let him know how you feel.

 

Instead of asking him, I'd say it's safe to tell him how you're feeling. Explain, in a non-confrontational way, that his actions (and lack thereof) are hurting you emotionally, and making it difficult for you to be supportive of him. How can you possibly function well enough for him in the marriage when you can ask straight-forward for a sentence or two and the best he can muster is a couple words...

 

If after expressing your pain and loneliness he remains short with you, or worse, quiet - I'd say I'm sorry... but he's accepting your pain and doing nothing about it.

 

I'd probably add something along the lines of validating his stress like, "Honey... I'm sorry you're stressed, let me give you a massage to help you relax... I want you to know you can talk to me about anything and it'd really put my mind at ease if we could spend some time together, perhaps out at dinner and just talk or something... I feel hurt and dismissed when you don't talk to me, and I'll be here for you to help you in any way I can so we can have good communication. I love you."

 

But that's something I would say, and that's not worked so well for me before - but in my defense, every man is different in some way so Idk; it just might work to help him open up to you whilst letting him know that the more short he is with you, the more it bothers you.

 

As simple as it is, it's worth noting that once you've let someone know what it is that they do that hurts you or affects you negatively - their only (broad) possibilities for not improving or working towards improvement to cease that activity are they're literally INCAPABLE, or THEY DON'T CARE.

 

However! If you're comfortable with just finding a hobby then I guess this life is what you're going to have to accept.

 

How long have you two been so distant from each other?

Has anything happened that would cause you two to become so impersonal?

Has he always been short with words and dismissive?

[Deciduous]

Hi mem4625

 

I'm assuming he was this way when you married him. The "Clint Eastwood/Spaggetti Western/ Monosyllabic" type.

 

In that case I would have to agree with "wiseoldwoman" and "misssmithviii". Openly chatting about how you feel about your long marriage, is more likely to open up a productive conversation, when he is able to respond to your insights.

 

Be respectful but truthful. Reflective without accusation. the "I feel" conversations can go much further that the " you do this" approach.

 

Also have a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from venus" link removed

 

This might also offer insight into your husband's approach to marriage. Seems he is one of the old fashion types and unlikely to become a metro-sexual new-age touchy feely type any time some.

 

Sounds like you are suffering from emotional isolation. A very painful sitation to be in, indeed. However if you would like to continue your marriage but need more emotional input, then why not see if making new friends can bridge the gap. Therapy may also teach you new techniques in emotionally sharing yourself with others that allow you to be authentic and feel heard.

 

Fact is, you may never get this from your husband. This shouldn't mean you are sentenced never to receive it at all. Take the lead on your emotional welfare. Lets not wait for him to provide that input. Start making inroads for yourself.

 

Good luck

 

Deci

[chitown9]

Another book you might be interested in, "When Your Mate Has Emotionally Checked Out" by Craig Miller.