Sexual failure and the feeling of being alone

[Silentlyfor]

This is a bit of a story, so I'll just start from the top.

 

I met the girl about 3 weeks ago. We got to talking - it was a conversation about 3 hours long - and before you know it, I get her number and we start dating. I really liked her. She had the curvy and ample body type that I adimre, a great and intelligent personality and she was fun. Over the last couple of weeks, we've been dating and progressively each date was better than the last. We decided not to sleep with each other until about the third date. Up until that point, things were fantastic and I couldn't have asked for me especially since this was around the time I was sure I would never meet someone again.

 

Then, of course, we get to date number three. We have a late night coffee and a really nice place. Then we head out for dinner elsewhere. The night went well and she welcomed and admired all my romantic gestures and caresses. She said things like "I'm not used to this sort of romantic stuff." and "I like you very much." throughout the evening. And of course, I was quite smitten with her as usual. Things couldn't get better. It was quite clear that this date would be *the* date where we finally become intimate with each other.

 

So she takes me to her place, we talk for a bit and then we start making out. Sooner or later, we start shedding our clothes ... you get the idea. So after some foreplay and I get arouse I get to it. Worked out until what I thought would never happen happened: I lose my erection and the condom I was wearing starts slipping off (so it was claimed, anyway).

 

This is the point where I go through the most idiotic experience of my entire life: trying to put on a condom on a soft penis. It was wrong and it was stupid of me. It was so embarassing and she saw the entire thing. Worst yet, I couldn't get it up again. I was so embarassed and so humiliated. Eventually she demanded I left and to never call her again (though I later left a text message to apologize to her for the entire debacle). Later, I found out from the doctor it was just a fluke chance that it happened. So, I couldn't even blame myself directly for what happened; it was just bad luck.

 

I feel useless. And worst yet, I feel powerless as a man and alone. VERY alone. I mean, this just happened right out of the blue and I screwed it up just as suddenly. I'm going to a 29 year old guy soon and I feel like I'm not going to find love at all. I mean, I know it isn't impossible, but I'm thinking I'm always going to make the one mistake that overturns any good fortune I may receive in the future. After a while, I'll lose my looks. Then I'm probably going to lose my muscular physique in a few years. I feel like I'm not going to find a partner to continue on the rest of my life with.

 

What can I do? I know a lot of people go through long periods where they are alone but I see no end in sight to when I might meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. Am I just fated to have this happen to me whenever I meet someone I'm attracted to? Should I just give up and admit defeat without trying to find the one for me?

[guynextdoor]

Hey man it happens to the best of us. If she can't understand you were nervous on the first time and kicks you out then you saved yourself the headache of dealing with her later on.

[quantumst8]

Dude, this has happened to me twice! I kind of laugh about it now just because of how wrong the circumstances always seem to be when the "opportunity" arises. Both times, I was on heavy stimulants--the first time, many many years ago, I had taken one of those minithins they use to sell at truck stops. The second time, several months ago, I had had way too much coffee in one day, been awake too long, and was dead tired when she invited me to her house in the middle of the night.

 

As a male, it's often hard to say no when the chance comes up. But I'm learning that's really what I should do. If I know it's bad circumstances, I just need to call it that and bail.

 

Dude, it's pretty harsh that she said she never wants to see you again. The first girl I was in that situation with didn't return my calls afterwards, so I guess that's sort of the same thing. The second girl was much more understanding. In any case, you know your junk works so don't sweat it. Just take things slower next time and wait until you're with a girl that actually cares about you.

[Cheetarah]

You're overreacting. You are seriously disasterizing, and that girl was not very nice at all.

 

These things happen. I spent 6 months with my ex and that happening on a near daily basis(was psychological, not physical). It happens once(and yes, it happens to every man at least once in their lives - stress, tired, sick, worried, anxious, blah blah blah) and you're gonna carve out the rest of your life this way? Honey, I know you feel embarrassed, I understand it's a pride thing, but you need to get a grip on this thinking before it spirals out of control; I guarantee you with this line of thinking it WILL happen again. Psychological effects on performance are massive.

 

Unfortunately for you, you didn't have an understanding woman. That's REALLY unfortunate, and I like to believe that the majority of ladies aren't like that. If she doesn't get that we're not all perfect and not every first time sexual encounter is a smooth operator suave love scene, or even remotely close for that matter, then you are better off. So completely better off.

 

You are no less of a man. You are perfectly normal. It happens. Are you really going to let a one time nerves things dictate your future love life?

[SongCoyote]

Hey RedMage22,

 

I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience, but the most important things to remember in dealing with it are these:

1. You are not alone. It happens to everyone. Even women sometimes can't really get into sex first time, because of nervousness, a rough day, or just being unable to shut up the monkey in one's head.

2. Tied to 1, it's perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just a thing.

3. If you were kind and apologetic and friendly about it and she kicked you to the curb because of one moment of inability, then as guynextdoor said: you're better off without her. That was pretty un-compassionate of her. A good person who actually cares about you will tell you it's okay (because it is) and spend other kinds of intimate time with you.

4. That said, it's possible that she has issues with her own attractiveness and sexuality, and got scared because "obviously she wasn't able to excite you". This is also unfortunately normal in American society, which demonizes sex and sexual people while simultaneously demanding that we all be ready at any time and that if we aren't sexy we aren't worth anything. She could have been caught up a bit too far in that particular conundrum and not known how to deal with it.

 

Relax, don't worry about it, and move on, hopefully to someone who will smile and show you other ways to have fun. If you can't seem to shake the feelings that this left you with, get help - there's no shame in talking to a counselor or shrink to work on self-image issues. They've done wonders for me, and I'm grateful for the insight I have learned.

 

But above all: you're not alone, it's okay, and you will be able to move on and find what you most need.

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[RobRoberts1977]

Dude I feel for ya and I just wanted to add to the chorus of "it happens to everyone" and "that girl is not very nice". Both these things are 100% true. Its happened to me once and I felt like sh1t for quite some time. I put it down to nerves, due to not having had any action for a while! That said I expect that the girl has her own isses be they with body image or just not being experiened enough to know that these things do happen.

 

Anyway, don't worry about it. Don't think its going to be a recurring thing, its not. And don't think that its going to stop you finding love, it not. Next time if you're feeling nervous take it slower and maybe say you are feeling a bit nervous as you really like her, any nice girl should take that positively. Maybe she will reply to your text eventually. But don't sweat it if she doesn't, some things aren't meant to be and there are plenty of others out there.

[LDRohnos]

She took that personally? Seriously? Dude, whatever man just move on. That crap happens to the best of us and she's obviously not worth it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm going to a 29 year old guy soon and I feel like I'm not going to find love at all.

 

You were never going to find love with that particular woman..she was in it for sex, not love. Date #3 is still very early to have sex as you don't know the true motives of the person. Even had you performed well, it is not likely she would have been interested in you as a partner, because she is just looking for a sex machine. So don't take it so badly...you didn't mess up at all...you just weeded out the type of woman who is only interested in sex.

[gvision]

sounds like you and I are going through the same thing.

 

It does truly suck, but girls like these are straight bit

 

its def a blow to the ego but its all in our heads im sure. I don't know what advice i can offer except just say i feel your pain, literally.

[Deciduous]

Hi redmage22,

 

Geez! What a Witcccccch, with a capital B. Seriously what kind of crazy behaviour was that? "Get out of my house and don't call me again." What normal person behaves like that? gvision is spot on.

 

It does truly suck, but girls like these are straight bit

 

Dude, not all girls are like this. I've been in this position twice with new lovers. On neither occasion did I think the appropriate response was "Get out of my house and don't call me again." With the first guy he was on stimulants. We left it for that night and got together two weeks later. With the second guy, he'd a long standing problem which he faced. He took the little blue pill and we were together for a year after that with no problems.

 

Ya see. That's how normal people behave. Can you imagine if this happened the other way round. The guy says, "Hey, your not getting wet. Get out of my house and don't call me again."

 

It's outrageous, whichever way you slice it.

 

This chick has issues, none of which are to do with your penis. I can promise you that. Your not looking at it objectively just yet. There was something pretty off centre about "ice-queen" over there. Maybe she took it as a rejection. In that case, to have such an extreme reaction is a serious problem with low, low, low self esteem.

 

I know you are hurting, oh course it hurts to be treated in such a manner, but once you are past it, you'll be thanking your penis for steering clear of her.

 

You can do better

 

Deci

 

 

PS. As an aside you mentioned that she is "ample" bodied. It's a pity that our culture doesn't celebrate that as much as you do. She may have been dealing with major body issues. If she finds her own body deeply unattractive then she may be wondering why you were attracted to it. So the failed erection is taken the wrong way, if you see what I mean. You leave, she sobs herself to sleep. yadda yadda! Yes she behaved very badly but if you suspect that the above maybe the case, then I wouldn't cut and run just yet. As you can see. With my two chaps I didn't take it personally. There-fore we were able to move forward. Maybe your girl did. Just a last thought.

[blueidealist24]

That was really rude of her to tell you to never call her again! She's just nasty, and if she really liked you she would have been more forgiving. She must have just wanted a lay. Also, it could have been her own insecurities as Deciduous mentioned. If that happened to me and I really liked the guy I would have kind of shrugged it off and still wanted to talk to him after that.

[rightguardfail]

man I really feel for u there buddy, I had the EXACT same scenario with a girl I met at the start of this year, pretty much the same timing and what happened word for word. The minute we stopped to put a condom on I lost it, and she pretty much hasn't spoken to me since. The last few months my heads been in turmoil and it's triggered off depression in me as this happened to few quite a few times purely through anxiety and I just have no way to control it. It's no use trying not to think about it because you will and it will happen again if it's got to the stage where you have worried about it so much to come on here for advice. The only thing that helped m e was that llittle blue pill.. At least for some short term confidence to tell myself I was capable. Until I personally get over my deep seated issues then it's not something that's going to go away by just "not thinking about it" You on the other hand seem to have not had this happen before, my advice, get a pill, go out and enjoy yourself, don't let the problem dwell like I did. ps I'm the same age as you and I fully understand what you're going through. best of luck man