How do I tell him how angry I am?

[Adele]

For 6 months I feel that my boyfriend has been mistreating me and not even realizing it. He treats me really well in some ways, but in others I feel walked all over and taken advantage of. He has a double standard and thinks that whatever he does is ok because he can justify it in his mind even if it deeply hurts me. If I do the same thing, however, even on a much smaller scale, he becomes all wounded. If I try to tell him my feelings he either brushes it off and tries to joke about it or becomes angry with me. I'm not a crier, but he has made me cry more times than I can count because I feel that things are very unfair and he won't listen. I have tried to forget about it, but the last time this happened something snapped in me and I became furious. I had been depressed, but that last thing was too far. Since then I have been evil. I am so tired of feeling on the brink of tears. I decided to start treating him exactly as he treats me. And you know what? The roles are certainly reversed. He doesn't like it at all. I don't want to feel all evil and vengeful though. I think he is just oblivious and clueless and selfish about what he does because he has been spoiled. I know now that I have to stand up for myself more because no one will do it for me. My question is, should I go all out and tell him everything that has happened that has seriously hurt me? I want to point out every selfish and unfair thing he has done and make him know that I am NOT ok with it and that I will NOT be treated that way any more. I don't know if this is a stupid idea. I don't know if it will make me feel better or if I will regret it later. I just feel like I need to let these feelings out somewhere. What should I do? Do you think I will regret telling him off? He thinks everything is ok with us, and I need him to know that I'm not ok with that kind of treatment before I can move on with life.

[april15]

Not sure if your measures are justified, need more information on what you consider ill-treatment. Usually though, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If you are treating him the way he was treating you and he is now unhappy with his treatment, it is time to stop. Let him complain and then give him an example or two or three showing him how what he is angry about, is exactly how he was treating you, listing every single time he was unfair will serve no purpose but to beat him down. If he cannot see the connection listen to his explanation. Try to communicate your feelings and thoughts. Also remember to listen to his side (that is the hard part). See how things go afterwards. See if this new perspective helps either of you.

[flaminghair81]

My bf has a tendency to do the same thing. This week, I have started to treat him exactly as he has been treating me and he is slowly getting the picture. I did preempt my new found attitude with a note, clearly stating that I was not handling things well and that if I had a bad attitude, he would know why and also leaving it up to him to either want to fix or not. I do better explaining my feelings by writing them out.

 

He never realizes how his actions hurt me and when I try to tell him, he will justify it and convince me I am wrong, which I end up backing down because I get more upset and flustered and cannot prove what I am saying. So, I started writing things down when he would do something that upset me where I could have that as a reference when we'd talk about things.

 

I love my bf so much, however, like you, I am tired of crying. I have set a date in my head of when he will either start to work on his issues, or I will be done.

[Adele]

Well, here are a few vague examples of what I am uncomfortable with. I don't want to go into details. He thinks it is ok to be sneaky about things with me, but he wants to know everywhere I go, who I am going with, and goes through my phone. Actually, I am totally fine with this. I have nothing to hide, but I expect to be able to do the same thing if I want to. He harasses me about things that I did way before I met him, but he has done the same things and other things on top of that. He told me he expected me to tell my family everything about our relationship while he thinks it is ok to keep things about us from his family. It's ok for him to insult my anatomy, but if I make an obvious joke about his then he gets his feelings hurt. Also, if I disagree, it is apparently not ok for me to have my own opinion. It seems he tries to make me feel like I'm a bad person for disagreeing, even about silly little things, like telling me he's disappointed because I suggested doing an activity he doesn't want to do. I guess I'm supposed to read minds too? Not sure. Anyway, I feel my super angry streak wearing off slowly, but I realize that I have to start communicating my feelings better. I have tried to do like you said and speak out when he complains about something he does to me. I just know I haven't been doing it as calmly as I should the past few days. I just want to feel close again. I am frustrated.

[Adele]

Oh flaminghair81, you sound just like me. I could have written that myself. I love him so much too. I didn't put the really hurtful things he does in the post above because I am kind of embarrassed. Does writing it in a note help? I want to write a note. I am also better at expressing myself through writing because I can gather my thoughts. In my heart I know that I can't keep this up for the rest of my life because it drains me too much. I just want to be able to communicate without having things turned around on me. I really want to work things out so we can both be happy. Is that working well for you so far?

[25thfloor]

If you cry and are upset in a relationship more than you are happy and content.....get out of the relationship. Nobody should be in anybody's phone or personal items. he's sneaky (so he's lying) he wants all your people to know about you guys, but doesn't tell his (this way, it's basically only YOU in the relationship). He sounds like a selfish boy. And it drains you? what are you waiting for to begin your life?

[happpybear]

No offence guys but these relationships sound really one-sided and unhealthy, probably best to move on and find a guy that respects you cause it sounds like your bf's don't and you deserve better

[wiseoldwoman]

He sounds like a very controlling and selfish person. I'd definitely hold strong with treating him how he treats you and if he doesn't get it, consider that you might be better off moving on. If he wants to know what's going on - tell him. I wouldn't go into every single event; stick with some major examples together with a few smaller ones. And make it clear you've had enough. My husband went through a couple episodes of treating me poorly, and although I let it go for a bit, before long I made it clear I would not accept being treated that way and if he wanted me in his life, he was going to have to treat me well. It was like a light turning on for him, and both times he did a 180 degree change and treats me incredibly well. Truth is, you'll be treated poorly only if you accept poor treatment. You have to be willing and ready to move on if things don't change, but I guarantee you, if he won't or can't recognize his double standard now, he never will and you'll only become more miserable over time.

[april15]

Adele and Flaming... If these guys think this double standard relationship is what they want then you need to decide if the attraction is worth the disrespect. I would lose any attraction and love I felt for someone if they showed such blatant disrespect. I look for more balance in my relationships and definitely give my women more respect, even those I don't love.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Oh Adele, what you just described is typical controlling behavior. He has no self esteem. He can't take it when you make a joke about him. He can't take it when he thinks about things you've done before you met him. He bolsters his self of worth by keeping you under his thumb. He always knows where you are. He constantly checks up on you. He ridicules you. He tells you what to do and how to handle situations. And if you balk, he verbally beats you down in a subliminal attempt to destroy your self esteem and increase your compliance and dependence.

 

You can tell him off if you want, but I doubt you're going to change his behavior. Typically, this type of person only gets worse. Don't get trapped in his spiral. Get out before this gets worse. I know it only will.