Do MEN really like it when a woman approaches them?

[Batya33]

I have asked out men, initiated conversations with men I was interested in and flirted with men I found attractive, many many times when I was single. I don't consider that chasing. I think I did chase men (well, boys) a number of times when I was younger. The majority of those men liked the attention, not surprisingly. Liking attention (whatever gender) doesn't always mean an interest in dating the "pursuer" much less an interest in a potentially serious relationship.

 

I think it's easy to lose sight of the title of this thread -the answer in my opinion is yes, the vast majority of the time men like when a woman approaches them (especially since there's far less likely to be a safety concern as there can be the other way around). But the question wasn't about asking out men or pursuing a potentially serious relationship with a man. I think approaching especially in a natural environment for conversation/socializing is essential for almost anyone who has a real interest in finding a good long term match. Less important for casual dating unless the person is really interested in dating.

[penelope13]

Often women forget the following when they claim "whenever I get approached/pursued more - it's a positive dating experience, while when I pursue - it never leads anywhere serious": by the time a woman agrees to meet with a guy who is pursuing her, she most likely has already turned down far more guys than she will remember afterwards. The reasons for rejecting all those other guys are of course multiple: not interested, not the right time - his method/approach was a turn off etc, etc. However, it reduces the number of "being successfully pursued events" in a statistical sense.

 

Additionally, women who finally dare for once to be more of an active pursuer and are not met with utter enthusiasm always seem to jump to a single conclusion: "it must have to do with him losing attraction because I am not acting like 'a woman is supposed to and he must think I am desperate thus not serious relationship material". They never consider it could have anything to do with any other reason and most certainly not that it could have anything to do with their particular approach. Men need to learn how to approach women in general and how to recognize how to adjust to a specific woman. Why do women not think the opposite is equally true?

 

But no, it's of course way easier to jump to the conclusion that "see I tried ONCE and failed - let men do all the hard work from now on, because that has been oh so successful".

 

If it was that successful - women wouldn't continuously be unhappy and complain about not having found the right one. Dating and finding your long time partner is just hard and complicated for everyone.

 

If you can afford to wait till the right guy stumbles over you and approaches you - good for you! But life is short and busy, thus if you want to increase your chances - be proactive. I'd rather be active and try to pursue men (in whatever form appropriate according to the individual in question) that I am interested in and have thus already somewhat preselected than waiting to be approached by numerous men that I already know are not right for me just to finally meet the right one.

 

It might be equally useful for future generations of stopping with all the complicated semantics of what entails "being proactive" versus "pursuing" in order to be able to tell myself one day "oh, but he pursued me" because it makes me feel like a "true woman with true womanly qualities" while all the while I have approached him first, have emailed him with pretexts of work or an activity, have dropped hints of liking "the ballet, this restaurant, tea" etc - anything but saying "let's go and do this together".

[Batya33]

"Additionally, women who finally dare for once to be more of an active pursuer and are not met with utter enthusiasm always seem to jump to a single conclusion: "it must have to do with him losing attraction because I am not acting like 'a woman is supposed to and he must think I am desperate thus not serious relationship material". They never consider it could have anything to do with any other reason and most certainly not that it could have anything to do with their particular approach. Men need to learn how to approach women in general and how to recognize how to adjust to a specific woman. Why do women not think the opposite is equally true?"

 

Most of the people I know who were in the dating scene didn't have anywhere near this type of black and white thinking on the subject -in particular those women who spent years in the dating scene.

I never cared that my husband did most of the pursuing -he enjoys telling and re-telling the story of our courtship including how he did the more traditional "pursuit" (but not chasing) -and I say - good for him -enjoy the memories -I sure do. For me personally it was much ,much harder to restrain myself from doing too much pursuing because that came naturally to me and was not particularly daring. I was one of those sell-outs I guess who decided if you can't beat 'em join 'em- my desire to be happily married trumped my desire to make some sort of "equality" statement at the time -I saved that for other aspects of my life -career, education -that were far more important to me. I knew I'd be happy in a more traditional relationship/marriage so I didn't mind what others label as "unequal" because he did more of the traditional pursuing. We have had an equal relationship for many years, fortunately.

 

Whatever works but the black/white explanation above I don't, with all respect, find accurate nor do I find it particularly helpful for women who would like to do more of the pursuing than they do because of the somewhat strident tone. I do hope that 20-somethings are enjoying far more of a balanced dating life than I did -much easier that way.

[pl3asehelp]

I always liked it and no it doesn't look desperate, do you think it looks desperate when mean approach you? I think men who like the chase are bad news because they'll continuing chasing women even if they're with you OR they get bored quick as soon as the whole newness of the relationship wears off. Then again, I think cold approaching strangers no matter who does the approaching is about the worst way to go about getting a date though. You have to realize that approach is only going to work maybe 20% of the time and that just as far as getting a phone number or something.

[Batya33]

I always liked it and no it doesn't look desperate, do you think it looks desperate when mean approach you? I think men who like the chase are bad news because they'll continuing chasing women even if they're with you OR they get bored quick as soon as the whole newness of the relationship wears off. Then again, I think cold approaching strangers no matter who does the approaching is about the worst way to go about getting a date though. You have to realize that approach is only going to work maybe 20% of the time and that just as far as getting a phone number or something.

 

Yes I agree- I don't think men or women should chase. I also think that a woman who would find it a turn off if a man preferred to do more of the asking out (or even most) should ask out men on a regular basis -perfect way to weed them out.

When I was dating there was a double standard when it came to coming accross as too aggressive or desperate. These days from what I hear traditional dating is on the way out anyway so maybe all of this is a moot point anyway.

[itsallgrand]

If you watch men approaching, watch it like a movie, you'll see that rejection is all part and parcel it. Why should it be different for women?

 

My advice is to get over the hump of feeling sad about it, and learn to take it in stride. "no problem", "cool, he's not interested", "well there is no harm in trying".

 

It's not that I am advocating that every woman be the approach er all of the time. It's that I think it gives a person a new confidence and look on dating/relationships to get over that hump of being afraid of rejection. Push past it. Don't just stick with the easy ones all the time - the ones that fall in your lap. Take some chances. Get some rejections. Embrace it. You'll come out stronger and more in tune with what YOU want and seek in a partner this way, and what works for you or not.

 

My opinion. I think it's beneficial for all men and women to get comfortable with approaching, for its own rewards, even if you decide to go back to taking a more quote unquote traditional role.

[Batya33]

My mother's traditional advice to me many years ago -with a very large wink - was "chase him until he catches you". I didn't take that advice to heart but even in those ancient times in the 70s and 80s (with the advice being far more dated than that) women weren't supposed to be passive wallflowers. I think the less "approaching" the better -meaning, in natural environments like volunteer work, sports, the gym, dance classes - there's no need to do any kind of aggressive or forward approach -conversations start naturally and there are natural things in common. It also makes the asking out easier whether for men or women. Sometimes putting the effort in to be in those types of environments is more than half the battle -- I find that people make so many excuses not to be out there meeting people and don't want to put in the effort.

[sidehop]

Moderator Note: This thread is over a year old.

[Abbykemp]

I've approached a few guys to show interest...but always make sure they do the asking out and the chasing afterwards

Guy can be intimidated and sometimes need a girl to do the approaching, especially if she is attractive.

[jonny15]

Any guy who has a problem with women approaching them in general must have some problems.

 

Seriously, how could that be a turn off?

[Contrigo]

My mother's traditional advice to me many years ago -with a very large wink - was "chase him until he catches you".

 

I think that's the best advice I've ever heard, for both sexes, and probably the most fail-safe approach of them all. Flirt and send signals to your person of interest, if they're interested, most of the time they'll respond in kind. Continue this back and forth till one of you "catches" the other. It take a lot of the risk of rejection out of it and makes the actual asking out almost trivial at that point.

[H8Reality217]

Any guy who has a problem with women approaching them in general must have some problems.

 

Seriously, how could that be a turn off?

 

exactly, especially if there is mutual attraction involved