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We kissed, she wants to take things slow, but here is the real problem.....

dumpedinshock

By dumpedinshock
in Dating Advice

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dumpedinshock Contributor

dumpedinshock

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Ok, so I posted earlier about this girl whom I met online, her profile said she is only looking for friends, she just got out of a relationship and wants friends for now...she told me that, I agreed to start this way...

We hung out together multiple times, things got kinda intense once (she grabbed my hand and was holding it and got alittle touchy), we then started talking that this is not what just friends would do, I told her there is definitely "SOMETHING" in here...we kissed that night, a couple of times, and she told me to listen to a certain song about taking things slow so we dont mess things up...

 

So everything sounds like it's going in the right direction, I do like her alot, she seems to like me, she even took me with her to hangout with her friends, we had fun...we almost always kiss everytime we meet...

 

The problem: she never initiates contact, nor text, sometimes she won't even reply to my texts...i ask her out and she will only go out if she has nothing else to do, is this a part of taking it slow? or is it just not interested?

What I really need advice with: Should I let her miss me? Just stop texting and contacting her for a few days? fwiw, i asked her out on the weekend on a nice dinner, she said she is not sure if she had plans with her other friends and that she'd prefer to do it on a weekday night...How should I deal with her not initiating contact at all?

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april15 Rookie

april15

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You two are not at the same place. It sounds like you are ready to not only be dating but also in a relationship. If not contacting you at all is her way to take things slow, it does not seem a pace that fits you. She could be still recovering from her past relationship, just not that interested in you or anything in between those two. If you can deal with being second choice and having to make all contact, get into that mindset and do your best having fun without getting to attached. I find it hard to put in so much effort and not develop feelings.

 

If you cannot keep this mindset it might be time to put her in the friendzone until she is ready for the next step or until you meet someone who is ready to be in a relationship and leave her in the friendzone.

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dumpedinshock Contributor

dumpedinshock

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so what do u think all the "kissing" and "touching" is all about? fwiw, she's usually the one who initiates physical contact when we get together...is it just her feeling lonely? it has nothing to do with me? She told me that she doesn't hold hands and kiss friends when we were talking

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blueidealist24 Collaborator

blueidealist24

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so what do u think all the "kissing" and "touching" is all about? fwiw, she's usually the one who initiates physical contact when we get together...is it just her feeling lonely? it has nothing to do with me? She told me that she doesn't hold hands and kiss friends when we were talking

 

Well, she most likely is attracted to you, but isn't 'emotionally available' for a true relationship right now. I'd stop initiating contact with her for a few days or even a week, and see if she initiates contact with you. Maybe because she's emotionally messed up from the previous relationship, as she even said, she doesn't want to put forth too much emotional effort in a new dating situation (I see initiating contact a lot as putting forth emotional effort, since you run the risk of 'rejection' if someone doesn't respond in the way you want). I think you're a little bit more into this thing than she is at this point, but I don't think she's at all DISinterested and if you can wait around for her to be emotionally ready for a relationship then by all means I'd do it. Maybe you should see other girls as well though if you feel like it, since she's not committing to you completely..

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laura40 Contributor

laura40

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Hi dumpedinshock,

 

I was in a similar situation with a guy I met a few years back. He was still hung up on his ex and it seemed as if he was still really in love with her.

 

We had started seeing each other, going on lots of dates and kissing and just hanging out. In total we were seeing each other for around 3 months.

 

I didn't want to admit it, but I felt as if he was only after someone to just kiss and be with, but to have no proper relationship with. I started to feel a little lost and wondered what the heck I was doing. After all, it was the same as you, I had to initiate the contact most of the time. What really got to me is that once he said he was meeting another woman.

 

I really liked this man though, so didn't want to finish things. I knew in my heart that I had to though, as he was still in love with his ex and just wanted some company.

 

Back to your situation - I think she is not ready for a relationship at all. She only wants some company. Please, please move on, it will save lots of heartache...

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dumpedinshock Contributor

dumpedinshock

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ok guys, I think just dropping off the face of the earth and not initiating any contact is the way to go now....if she comes around and wonders what's happening, we'll see...

I am not gonna get hurt again, at least thats my plan...

 

Thanks alot everyone U guys/girls r just awesome

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nutbrownhare Veteran

nutbrownhare

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so what do u think all the "kissing" and "touching" is all about? fwiw, she's usually the one who initiates physical contact when we get together...is it just her feeling lonely? it has nothing to do with me? She told me that she doesn't hold hands and kiss friends when we were talking

I disagree with the posters on here who suggest you're on the back burner until something better comes along; it's more likely that she's just not ready to have a relationship with ANYONE right now. It's a very human reaction when you've lost something (in this case, a relationship) to want to replace it as soon as possible - which is why she's got an online profile at all. It will be a barrier to all that overwhelming loneliness and sense of loss which she'd experience otherwise, combined with a bit of interest and excitement. But she really isn't ready for anything else yet. Sure, she's attracted to you - but that doesn't mean AT ALL that it will develop into a full-blown relationship.

 

Carry on seeing and meeting other people; if you like her as a friend then keep it that way, but looking for anything more than that will only result in heartache for you.

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Morgan13 Newbie

Morgan13

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No because she will just tell you what you want to hear. I agree with the others, leave all contact now and see if she contacts you, if she does be casual and see how she acts, what she says etc. I have just been through this and see now that we hear what we want to hear and make excuses in our minds to deny that someone does not care about us as much as we care about them.

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cereza Apprentice

cereza

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wow. I'm taking things slow but when someone means "taking things slow" it means getting to know each other better before a relationship..she seems like she might be waiting for other guy to come around and when he does she will stop seeing you or she doesn't want a relationship and is just with you for when she gets bored..you should tell her how you feel and if she doesn't do something to change it then leave and stop waisting your time.

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