Girlfriend Hiding Things

[adonis_boy]

Apologies for the long text. I need urgent advice, thank you for reading.

 

I'm in a 6 month relationship. There was this guy who my girlfriend was very close with. He always posted songs on her Facebook wall and I could see they are in constant contact. I always thought like he is a good friend and didn't ask her about him.

 

When she went back to her hometown for the summer, thus guy took some photos of her at a festival they went together and tagged her on Facebook. Out of curiosity, I asked her if she could introduce me to her friends online because she never mentioned who they are whereas I always let her know who I was meeting even if she hasn't met them in person. She complied with it and told me this guy is her ex and now they are friends, "nothing to be jealous of". Being not comfortable with her being this close with her ex and confused about not knowing of his existence in her life until that moment, I ask her how much she has seen this guy when she is in her hometown. She told me she met him for this festival, went to play guitar hero with him, went to his place to see his dog and to get a dvd he recorded for her. I also found out that she has been talking to him on the phone every day she is there. I tell her calmly that I am not comfortable with her being in such a contact with her ex when she is in a relationship and let her know she is crossing boundaries here. First she gets very defensive and tries to convince me that this guy is just a friend and they did nothing romantic. I tell her I sense something not right with this and it is not acceptable. I want to know if she is really committed to me and I don't want this drama. In the end, she agrees she hurt me and tells this guy to not to contact him "that often", maybe once in a month. Afterwards, the guy tries to contact me and when I tell her why she didn't end it already, she defends the guy to me and tells me what he is doing is normal: That's what a friend would do. I ask her to solve this or else we are not good and she tells this guy not to bother her anymore.

 

Two weeks after, as she was showing me a message on her Facebook, I've seen a new message from this guy and asked her why she hasn't kept her promise. She said it was just an echo and he asked if she is ok, nothing more. When I asked her if she contacted her again other than the message, she said he called her and asked if she is fine with her decision. She was still defending to me that he is a friend and him being an ex doesn't matter.

 

After everything seemed allright, I wrote her a letter to clean the air: How I think her bringing up exs and being that close to them hinders my trust and raises suspicions. How being open and honest with each other is very important. How considering a loved one's feelings and respecting boundaries is important to keep safety and comfort in a relationship. She replied saying "You are the one for me. Thank you for this letter. I will do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening again." A few days after, she tells me she totally cut contact with this guy, but he's still added on her every contact list: Facebook, Twitter, Skype...

 

Putting everything behind and moving on to a stronger relationship, I see the ex liking her new profile photo on Facebook. I suddenly remember a friend of hers asking to meet her at the airport when she arrives at her hometown. I call her and ask her who that friend was and why he could still be liking her photo when they are not talking anymore. After a long pause, she tells me it was her ex. She told him not to come but he appeared there anyway. She lied to me all the time because she told me she just called him when she arrived at the airport. I ask her what else she is hiding from me and it turns out that he tried hugging her intimately every time they are out and she tried to avoid it. I ask her why she hid these things from me and she tells me she didn't want to bother me anymore and she wanted to handle this herself. Then I ask her why she continued meeting him even though she felt uncomfortable about it and she says she was too naive and wanted to believe that he is a friend. I ask her why she never beleived me when I told her something was not right and why she always defended him to me and she said she made a big mistake and she was too stubborn. Then she deletes him from everywhere, including his photos.

 

Now I feel very bad not only because of being lied to but also because of her seeing this guy that frequently and allowing him to make advances on her even though she was aware of it all the time and I told her something was not right many times. She tells me she had no romantic feelings towards him at that time and it was pure friendship but my mind doesn't accept how a person can be that naive and still continue seeing this guy if she has no other thing in mind. I wonder what else she could be hiding.

 

She again tells me I'm everything she wants and she begs me to forgive her but I don't know what I should do. She says she will change and she will correct what she has done. However, it feels to me like she will always hide things from me and I will be hurt once more.

[sidehop]

She says she will change and she will correct what she has done. However, it feels to me like she will always hide things from me and I will be hurt once more.

 

Has she changed? And will you be able to trust her again? It just seems like she always needs attention. You sound like a very patient individual but don't allow her selfish behavior to consume you that's slowly eating you away. She can either prove herself or you simply need to call it quits on a person who cannot be truthful and faithful to you.

[april15]

Do you feel she is being honest or do you still have a nagging suspicion? My wife had an ex contacting her and hid it but when it came out she gave as much details as I asked for and willing cut all ties. She never lied but did not want the confrontation that she knew was coming if she told me. After she told me about it I did not have that feeling, as if there was more. It has not been a problem since. If she is not ready to move on from him though, there is not much you can do, I am thinking you will be in for a world of hurt if you continue

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you have one idea about honesty in a relationship and she has another. I wonder how she would feel if your ex was hanging around.

 

Since you are a guy you know this guy wants to hook up with her and have sex and not be "friends" but she claims she was naive.

 

If you aren't willing to throw it all way because of this then you simply need to decide if you can accept what she has done and move on. Checking up on her is no way to be in a relationship but that is what it sounds like you will be doing for some time until you can trust her again. In the end that is what has been damaged the most here, your trust in her. Can it be regained? I don't know.

 

Step back a little and rethink your whole time together to see if any other red flags pop up that you ignored becasue you were so into her and then make your choice. Once made you can't hold this over her head and need to start with a clean slate with you eyes wide open though.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[Pinata Giraffe]

I would definitely be sketched out as well. I would say it's alright to keep in contact with some ex's if it's just talking every now and then being like "hey whats up how are things?" But it seems like they are a little more than that... Everyone deserves a second chance... But don't keep giving her a billion second chances. And if she keeps lying to you and/or hiding things from you about this, then why shouldn't you feel like something more is going on then? And you don't deserve to be treated like that... No one does. Maybe consider breaking things off with her and trying to find another person who you can trust more if she doesn't change in the way that will make you feel more comfortable and less worried.

[trustno1]

She is up to no good....straight talk....you need to think very serious about how much pain you think she is workth enduring....I am talking about your heart being in pain.....Remember ....you have to have self love...true self love to be in a relationship....because you are responsible for making you happy not her....it dosen't seem like you are happy anymore....why continue having to worry about the email , the text, facebook....run in the other direction if you want to save your heart....Peace.

[trustno1]

I look at it like this.....If you take all the time , minutes and moments that she has spent with that "dude" and add all of it up....that is time that was taken away from you....that is not fair.....she has unfinished business ....