Guys can't understand why i am a virgin. I can't have sex because..

[sea change]

I dont know if I am.. for sure.

 

I was sexually abused on more than one occasion by someone i trusted and when their family found out.. they did nothing they encouraged it. I was abused when i was 9-10. Im a mature adult now, 19, going to school. But as I get older relationships and sexual intimcy is something I cant avoid. Guys want me. And I dont necessarily like it. They want relationships with me and relationships that involve sex and intimacy. I bailed on so many relationships. I bailed on a date today too because the thought was making me have a slight panic attack. I just cannot get involved in a relationship period. Sex is something i can't have. My guy friends try to hook me up ALL the time as if I need a favor. I have carefully explained that sex just doesnt interest me - but I dont tell the entire story - they say "sex is natural you are missing out," Maybe not. Sex is something unhealthy and disgusting a way to control and hurt someone a way to use and abuse another person. I know that guys are out there who are good but even with good guys I cant let them touch me. Not ever. And when they do, I run and never look back..

I am in therapy but this feels very permanent. I have been working with this for 3 years in therapy and nothing has changed. Any form of intimacy is run. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Despite feeling lonely and the amount of dates ive turned down.. i just cant go there. I just can't. Its too painful. Its very difficult. I do everything to avoid dating and relationships. I get confused when guys ask me out. I say no or try it out but the anxiety kicks in and I can't handle it because touching leads to sex and I can't go there. Not again.

 

Please help me. Therapy.. is not helping. Come to terms with it but it just wont work. I can't erase what happened to me.

[LDRohnos]

Have you ever confronted the person(s) that you believe did this to you?

[sea change]

Have you ever confronted the person(s) that you believe did this to you?

I have seen them out and about. I dont believe they did it. I know they did. I know what they did. But when I have seen them I experience a moment of detachment. I dont feel anything for them.

 

This is just messing up my entire relationship and sexual experience. There is no way I view sex as something healthy and okay. To me its a power trip, impulsive and disgusting. A way for someone to use another person.

[sea change]

Please. How can I just forget it and just be normal?

[LDRohnos]

Please. How can I just forget it and just be normal?

 

There is no quick fix for this. What has your phycologist said?

[sea change]

There is no quick fix for this. What has your phycologist said?

What do you mean? She tries to get me to open up but I can't. Because I dont see the point.

I mentioned what happened little by little.. she says typical things.

 

I honestly think this is something that I cant get over. No amount of therapy will help me. As a child I learned people I should trust cannot be trusted. I learned that people I should love and trust were there to cause me pain and hurt. That is what I learned. And it has severely messed up my distortions growing up.. How pathetic is it? 19 and never been in a relationship? Always running away from it.

[FathomFear]

Please. How can I just forget it and just be normal?

 

That question is likely left best to the professional you've been seeing. Clearly, many people can and do get beyond trauma caused by abuse. Hopefully you'll be able to do the same. Perhaps join some online support groups? I'm sure you could take comfort in hearing how others dealt with the feelings and overcame them.

[meoww]

how comfortable are you with kissing, etc?

 

I'd start slow and work with things from there.

 

And it really might help to confront your abuser. One of the best ways to overcome trauma is to go to the source, as well as finding other ways to see yourself not as a victim anymore, but as a whole person.

 

Sex is a wonderful thing, I'm so sorry that you were victimized by such a terrible person. You don't deserve to scarred by this for life.

[sea change]

how comfortable are you with kissing, etc?

 

I'd start slow and work with things from there.

 

And it really might help to confront your abuser. One of the best ways to overcome trauma is to go to the source, as well as finding other ways to see yourself not as a victim anymore, but as a whole person.

 

Sex is a wonderful thing, I'm so sorry that you were victimized by such a terrible person. You don't deserve to scarred by this for life.

Not comfortable at all. I freeze and try to run away. I am not comfortable with people touching me or being anything like that to me...

 

Sex doesnt feel wonderful. I wish I could see how you felt. people tell me it is great. But it is not for me.

[annie24]

I think you need to keep going to therapy, maybe consider going to a sexual abuse survivors group and talking about things there.

 

the awful thing is that while what happened to you was in the past, he is still stealing from your life today. as a result, you can't have a normal relationship with a man where you are able to trust him and be intimate. this won't be forever, but you'll have to work through the issues. there's no magic button we can push to erase everything. i'd focus on working out your feelings, maybe reading some articles on rape trauma.

 

hang in there!

[FathomFear]

Not comfortable at all. I freeze and try to run away. I am not comfortable with people touching me or being anything like that to me...

 

Sex doesnt feel wonderful. I wish I could see how you felt. people tell me it is great. But it is not for me.

 

I just think you need to acknowledge that your feelings are dictated by your mental state. It seems pointless and daunting due to that. With successful therapy that will change over time. As I mentioned before, I'd ask your therapist about typical recovery times to better understand what your realistic path to recovery is. You should probably also seek out support groups from people who have been through the same thing.

[sea change]

I think you need to keep going to therapy, maybe consider going to a sexual abuse survivors group and talking about things there.

 

the awful thing is that while what happened to you was in the past, he is still stealing from your life today. as a result, you can't have a normal relationship with a man where you are able to trust him and be intimate. this won't be forever, but you'll have to work through the issues. there's no magic button we can push to erase everything. i'd focus on working out your feelings, maybe reading some articles on rape trauma.

 

hang in there!

I do. I read a lot about it.

 

I have met nice guys. I have. But that feeling always lingers. "Can they be trusted" How can I ever trust someone again like that if the sole people I trusted violated me? I had to grow up to realize what happened. I finally understood why I can't form and maintain relationships like other people around me. My social life was affected.. until two years ago. EVen then I still can't get close to people. Women or female. I keep my distance. I go out once in awhile but I can't maintain relationsips.

 

I have tried dating a little. It made me feel nauseous. And sick. Sometimes it was nice. But as soon as they do anything like touching me, i couldnt bare it. I just had to get out. I wish i could be different. I have been working with this for 3 years trying my hardest. Everyone thinks its easy it is not. I want to trust.. I want to be in a relationship.. but sex is disgusting to me. I can't reverse it and the powerlessness I feel about it. I think anyone that wants to have sex with me is a bad person that I dont wanna be involved with.

[sea change]

I just think you need to acknowledge that your feelings are dictated by your mental state. It seems pointless and daunting due to that. With successful therapy that will change over time. As I mentioned before, I'd ask your therapist about typical recovery times to better understand what your realistic path to recovery is. You should probably also seek out support groups from people who have been through the same thing.

Being around people that feel the same thing is just traumatic for me. I dont want to be reminded of what happened to me.

 

Do you think there is some hyponisis to make me normal and healthy again? This mental state has been this way for years since it happened. How can you just magically fix it?

[sea change]

I also am terrified to date because I believe i know longer have a sense of the right guy. Because the people i trusted violated me. Therefore I cant trust anyone. I can.t Ive talked about this through the sun with my therapist for years. I accepted I am not a trusting person.. i cant date because I am scared that i will date the same type that abused me. I cant even trust my own sense of self.. does that make sense? Avoiding relationships due to fear for dating the one that abused me?

[Capricorn3]

She tries to get me to open up but I can't. Because I dont see the point.

 

I honestly think this is something that I cant get over. No amount of therapy will help me..

I would agree with you when you say that no amount of therapy will help, BUT that's only because you say you don't see the point and you can't open up. It seems you have already put a mental block on it and by NOT opening up, and NOT fully communicating and not fully co-operating with the therapist, then yes, it will be a waste of time.

 

That said, you CAN get over this in time, but ONLY with your full co-operation and a change of attitude - meaning to see that there IS a point in therapy.

[annie24]

Just try - it might be helpful to go to a support group. You can't run away from this - you've tried, it's not working. You are going to have to face the issues head on and work through them. The good news is that many survivors of sexual abuse are able to go forth and move on, get married, enjoy sex, etc... so, there is hope for you.

 

I don't know much about the techniques that people have for rape victims in therapy - how to help them trust again and so forth. maybe you might want to try a new therapist?

[annie24]

I also am terrified to date because I believe i know longer have a sense of the right guy. Because the people i trusted violated me. Therefore I cant trust anyone. I can.t Ive talked about this through the sun with my therapist for years. I accepted I am not a trusting person.. i cant date because I am scared that i will date the same type that abused me. I cant even trust my own sense of self.. does that make sense? Avoiding relationships due to fear for dating the one that abused me?

 

Many men are good guys and won't rape or abuse you. The "good news" is that there are warning signs before they do these things. You can learn how to clue into their behavior so you know if this is going to be a guy who winds up abusing you, or is a decent guy. obviously, this takes time, it's not going to happen overnight, you can't get to know someone quickly. I'd tell the people who are currently pressuring you for sex to knock it off.

[sea change]

I would agree with you when you say that no amount of therapy will help, BUT that's only because you say you don't see the point and you can't open up. It seems you have already put a mental block on it and by NOT opening up, and NOT fully communicating and not fully co-operating with the therapist, then yes, it will be a waste of time.

 

That said, you CAN get over this in time, but ONLY with your full co-operation and a change of attitude - meaning to see that there IS a point in therapy.

I can;t talk about it in detail... it is too painful... it is embarrassing and just awful. I can;t really accept that it happened to me. I knwo it did. But why on earth would I tell another person in detail what happened on more than one occasion, isn't vagueness enough? WHy would I tell her this? So she can think badly of me and feel disgusted like I do? I refuse to be vulnerable. I can't tell her in detail. Would you tell someone in detail? Word for word? That is just sick to me.

 

I have opened up. I explained what happened but not in full detail because that is just horrifying.

I can't help that I have a mental block its the only way I can deal without breaking. What is the point of saying it word for word? Do you understand i really can't relive what happened.

[sea change]

Just try - it might be helpful to go to a support group. You can't run away from this - you've tried, it's not working. You are going to have to face the issues head on and work through them. The good news is that many survivors of sexual abuse are able to go forth and move on, get married, enjoy sex, etc... so, there is hope for you.

 

I don't know much about the techniques that people have for rape victims in therapy - how to help them trust again and so forth. maybe you might want to try a new therapist?

I am facing it. I talk in therapy about it. I am facing it head on.

She thinks I should try to get to know guys and go out with them. Personally I think she is really full of herself. is it me or do therapists lack empathy? Do they not understand things? She tells me like it is so simple.

[sea change]

Many men are good guys and won't rape or abuse you. The "good news" is that there are warning signs before they do these things. You can learn how to clue into their behavior so you know if this is going to be a guy who winds up abusing you, or is a decent guy. obviously, this takes time, it's not going to happen overnight, you can't get to know someone quickly. I'd tell the people who are currently pressuring you for sex to knock it off.

They make me feel so terrible about it. Like something is wrong with me.

Just because I dont want to have sex. Maybe there is something wrong with me. They make me feel really guilty, which makes me not even want to talk about it because they wont get it.

[annie24]

I would shut them down pretty quickly as soon as the sex talks start. say you are not interested in being their sex partner, this is not up for negotiation, end of story.

 

and then do try going to a support group. you might get some help from women who have been there and been able to move on with their lives. don't let this guy keep hurting you!!

[LDRohnos]

They make me feel so terrible about it. Like something is wrong with me.

Just because I dont want to have sex. Maybe there is something wrong with me. They make me feel really guilty, which makes me not even want to talk about it because they wont get it.

 

When you meet the right guy you'll know you can talk to him about it. Eventually it'll be very important that you're able to open up about it with a partner. If they love you and care about you it will not turn them away and he WILL understand. But you're not at that point now. Do what was advised above and keep going to therapy. If this therapist isn't working for then go see another one. Above all you need to be open about going to therapy or it will gain you nothing.

 

My recent relationship was with a girl very similar to you. She had built up walls around herself so high and deep that I could not get through to her in any way. She was caught in a shell and I stayed with her and suffered for a year and a half hoping that she would eventually open up to me. I truly believe to this day that she was scarred at some point in her life and was protecting herself. She never did open up and it destroyed our relationship. When I'd suggest her going to a therapist she would cry, simply because she didn't want to expose whatever was going on inside her head. It absolutely killed me because I did love her, she just wasn't ready.

 

When you meet the right man (and when you're mentally ready yourself) it will be easy for you.

[Betweenthebars]

Have you thought about "therapist shopping"? There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying out multiple therapists until you feel you have met someone who doesn't lack empathy.

 

I also want to point out though, since you have constructed that mental block by saying "there's no point in therapy", it may make it very hard for you to fully open up and talk about details even to the best therapist ever.

[meoww]

That might be in your head. When I was really depressed I thought all sorts of things about my therapists that may or may not have been true. Some therapists are definitely better than others, you might look into finding one that seems to have more experience.

 

Like someone said, therapy is just a tool. It's pretty much only effective for people who are able to see the benefits in it. That's what is difficult about it, since the people who really need therapy usually aren't the ones who can benefit from it.

 

In that case, you'll probably get to a breaking point where it matters more to you that you want something more out of life than to remain traumatized. Who knows what that trigger will be for you. For me, it was a combination of falling in love and finally having goals that seemed worth achieving. You need a reason to be get better! Especially since you're on this forum, and seeking help, eventually you'll figure out how to start the process of healing. : ) hugs

[Capricorn3]

I can;t talk about it in detail... it is too painful... it is embarrassing and just awful. I can;t really accept that it happened to me. I knwo it did. But why on earth would I tell another person in detail what happened on more than one occasion, isn't vagueness enough? WHy would I tell her this? So she can think badly of me and feel disgusted like I do? I refuse to be vulnerable. I can't tell her in detail. What is the point of saying it word for word?

.

You say you have been in therapy for THREE YEARS and you say that you feel you can never get over it or that therapy can help you. Again, I have to stress that it is NOT helping you because you are witholding all the important information a therapist NEEDS, so that they can understand the full impact of what you are going through. So YES, it IS VITAL that they hear ALL of the story. Being vague will never get results and you will never get over it, simply because they have no idea of what is really going on.

 

Also, and this is very important. No good and reliable therapist will EVER think badly of their patient or feel disgusted. That is not part of their training. If they felt that way, they shouldn't work in this field and would be struck off. It is really very unfortunate that you see things this way, because due to your lack of understanding (for want of a better phrase), you are doing yourself a great disservice. So yes, with this outlook, then again, I agree that it will be pointless, a waste of time and money and no amount of therapy will help you, until you are able to get over this mental block and are able to FULLY co-operate/communicate with your therapist in every way, shape and form.

 

Good luck.