I've never been so heartbroken

[DaniArizona]

I met my boyfriend a year ago...almost to the day...I live in a very very small tourist town and I actually had moved there after a bad break up....there's nothing to do in this town except go down a self destructive path, which is exactly what I was doing....

 

"C" was here on vacation visiting his dad when we met at the bar....he was 10 years older than me and told me he was legally separated....I believed him and didn't really care because, although he was one of the most attractive men I've ever met, I knew he was a tourist and he'd be gone soon. We had a two week fling in which we fell in love and he went back to Oregon where he was from but we talked everyday....two weeks later he came back to Arizona to live with me and that's when I found out that he wasn't legally separated... he had just left his wife and kids for me...making me the other woman...I don't have kids, I've never been married and although I am responsible, I am very immature, esp. when it came to this situation....I had never been in such a situation and I did feel extreme guilt for being the other woman...but I was in love.

 

Last December my mom who was also my best friend died...my self destructive path got even worse...I went to work when I was supposed to but when I wasn't working I was drowning myself in vodka..."C" expressed how much he dislike this so I worked on quitting...I never quit drinking, but I did cut down considerably and expected him to do the same, but than his father died soon after and his drinking got worse. Over my emotional grief that I was still feeling and my anger towards his continuous drunken state, I wasn't exactly the support system he needed...and I also didn't realize that at that same time he was missing his kids so much. He kept making me plan on moving to Oregon with him...I would make back up plans and he'd get angry and tell me that, no, we were going to Oregon together....

 

well, two weeks ago we got into a drunken fight, he called his grandfather to send him money (yes, a 35 year old who needs to borrow money) and he promised his family he'd come back home within the month....than last thursday night he decided to leave....he told me he wanted to spend one last night with me that night but around 8 pm he called me a * * * * * and told me to leave....when I asked him why he was talking to me like that he said because it was easier that way, so I left....later that night I talked to him and he was mad that I did leave...telling me I picked the wrong time to listen to him. He called me the next morning to tell me he was in Idaho and that he still wants to be in a relationship but he wants to take it slow....after a YEAR of living together, he wants to take it slow?! Than he didn't call me for days...My heart felt like it was being torn out of my chest..

 

yesterday, .after a thousand unanswered calls and texts I finally left a text saying, "if you don't want me anymore, be a man and tell me instead of putting me through this torture" in which he replied, "I'm with the kids, can't talk....we're done...don't call anymore"....This was my first time actually being in love...after my mom died, he became my whole life...and he knew it...and allowed it to happen...than today I found out that my supposed friend had emailed him the night he left saying she's in love with him...I know that's not why he broke up with me...He hasn't been online since he left so he wouldn't have read it, but not only am I suffering from such a horrible heart break, but I find out I can't even trust my friends?! I haven't eaten since he's left, I barely sleep more than a few hours a night, I'm a bartender and I keep crying at work...no one wants to drink when the bartender is crying!

 

What should I do? I know he left me for a good reason...to go back to his kids, but I feel like I will actually DIE of this heartbreak.

[LDRohnos]

Ok I read it, but it was hard. Please use paragraphs next time. I understand you were just trying to get it all out but it makes it 100 times easier to read.

 

I'm going to be a little harsh here so I apologize.

 

First off, you never should have taken this man in to begin with. He outright lied to you about something very serious. He was still MARRIED when you had an affair with him. That isn't your fault (you didn't know) but the fact you let him get away with it was a huge mistake on your part when you finally found out. You should have told him to hit the road. Why? Because once a cheater always a cheater. I'm sure you realize that now.

 

This guy is a wreck and has no idea what he's doing and it's plainly obvious he has no sense of responsibility. His parents probably told him he needs to stay in Oregon and take care of his freakin kids and that's why he's not coming back.

 

Your "friend"? Guess what, he probably cheated on YOU with her as well. Why would your friend proclaim to "love" him if he didn't? You shouldn't be very surprised at that, after all he cheated on his wife with you.

 

You made some mistakes because you were in love with this man's good looks or his witty charm, whatever. Learn from it and move on, you're dodging a huge bullet here if you never talk to him again.

[DaniArizona]

Sorry for the difficulty in reading it...I was letting everything out like you said. I've argued with him so many times about how he lied to me but he kept telling me he was only in the marriage for the kids and that he would never do something like that to me and he really felt we were meant for each other... and me being in the fragile state of mind I've been in so easily accepted that.

No, I know he didn't do anything with my "friend"...I read the email and it said that she had to get it off her chest because she couldn't live with herself if she never found out "what could have been"....no indication that they had ever fooled around.

During our worst arguments "C" would be brutally honest with me and he would always reassure me that he never cheated on me, and not because he was guilty, but because my jealousy was at an all time high....like you said, if he cheated on his wife, why wouldn't he cheat on me?

It's taking everything I have not to text him or call him today... I know I should delete and block him from my facebook but I don't even have the courage to do that...

I feel so alone and I feel like I've lost the best and I'll have to settle for less after this, even though deep down I know "C" had so many many many flaws, but I find it hard to look at those right now and all I can concentrate on is the things about him that made me so happy.

[LDRohnos]

No, I know he didn't do anything with my "friend"...I read the email and it said that she had to get it off her chest because she couldn't live with herself if she never found out "what could have been"....no indication that they had ever fooled around.

 

Sweetheart, don't fool yourself. I would bet my last dollar this man cheated on you with her but none of that matters now.

 

What were the things that made you happy...his lying? his cheating ways? the fact he bailed on his wife and his kids? the fact he's as responsible as an 18 year old? This is what I see from the text above. I'm sure there's more.

 

This man is poison. You need to realize that. He was good looking and probably pretty charming....great...you know how many good looking people there are? Based off what you've said this man is an absolute scumbag. You-are-better-off-without-him.

 

You may not see it right now because it's so fresh...but give it some time and you'll realize what a huge mistake he was...and would continue to be.

 

You are the victim here and I'm very sorry about that. I'd give you a big hug if I could. But you need to calm down and look at this objectively.

[Wutdo]

Well, being heartbroken also, and not one to listen to advice... I can honestly say you probably aren't in a state to take this statement... but anyway...

 

As the above posters have said, he cheated. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I've had friends do this to their gfs/spouses. I've even seen a friend mess with another woman on the birthday of his own partner, then mess with her, along with other things.

 

Quite frankly, regardless of how you're feeling right now. This guy is no good for you. He started the relationship with a lie, and it will always be just that. He's not worth your love. You've been in a bad place for quite a while, and he's definitely not going to make it any better, even if he comes back. The reality is, you're just fooling yourself with the situation. You wouldn't have had all those arguments and him yelling at you and other issues if he was truly a respectable guy worthy of your love.

 

Get therapy. I'm considering it myself. You need to respect yourself and better your life first. You'll realize that he's probably not a guy that you'd have gotten with in the first place if you weren't already at an all time low. Just my two cents.

[DaniArizona]

Thank you

When he sent me that text telling me we were done, I almost felt a little better for the closure, but than today I hung out with one of my best friends and her boyfriend who are soooo in love it made me feel even sicker than I was already feeling...they were shopping for this thing called "zombie prom" that "C" and I were planning on going to. I had to wait in the car the whole time to keep myself from crying.

The only time I've been able to smile is when I hang out with my friend "J" who we have a strict platonic relationship, but he is everything I wanted "C" to be... Responsible, funny, extremely intelligent, and only a moderate drinker. But I don't want him... I just want "C" to be him (if that makes sense)....

Anyway, back to what I was saying...The only time I've been able to smile since "C" left is when I hang out with "J"...even though he puts it out like it is, telling me I was nothing but "C"'s midlife crisis. I don't know why "J" can make me smile, but no one else seems to be...and I don't know how to make myself cheer up either and that's what's the worst.

I'm sorry....I know I'm rambling senselessly right now...but there's just soo much on my mind!

As far as the things that make me happy about "C" is the relationship I was in before the one with "C" was worse than hell...He was my high school sweetheart, but he was also very abusive. "C" made me realize that I didn't deserve that and that I was a better person than my ex made me feel I was. "C" opened car doors for me, he knew how to cheer me up after a tough day, He was there for me when my mom died, and he even came out to New Jersey with me to see my biological father for the first time in ten years....something I couldn't do by myself....these are the things I keep thinking about...

I keep trying so hard to be angry at him, but I can't.

[DaniArizona]

 

Get therapy. I'm considering it myself. You need to respect yourself and better your life first. You'll realize that he's probably not a guy that you'd have gotten with in the first place if you weren't already at an all time low. Just my two cents.

 

I know I really do need therapy...all I've been doing is beating myself up thinking of "what could I have done differently?!!" My self esteem has been shattered by my previous bf before him and I guess just one step up from that seemed like a world of great...even if I was still settling for (as my grandmother calls "C") a complete shmuck.

[LDRohnos]

Good, go see a therapist. It would be the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You need to build up your self-esteem and reach for a guy about 150 steps up from the previous two. That will take time but you can do it!

 

Your grandmother is exactly right...you fell for a complete shmuck. Stop dating for a long time now and build YOU up. When your self esteem is where it should be you'll know you're better than the next shmuck who enters your life and will know not to engage into a relationship with him.

 

Best of luck!

[Wutdo]

I know I really do need therapy...all I've been doing is beating myself up thinking of "what could I have done differently?!!" My self esteem has been shattered by my previous bf before him and I guess just one step up from that seemed like a world of great...even if I was still settling for (as my grandmother calls "C") a complete shmuck.

 

Honestly, don't beat yourself up. He was in no position to be starting a relationship with you. He may have treated you better than your last boyfriend, but that doesn't mean they both are less than stellar material for that role. The best thing to do is find something to occupy your time. Unfortunately, you'll think of things while doing other activities, along with relating everything to him.

 

Remember, you got through your first ex, and you can get through him. I'd say other positive things about getting back together, but quite frankly, this time it really isn't you, and you should cut him off for reasons other than your own pain. Don't beat yourself up about whether you were good enough, whether you could have done something better, whether he'll come back in the future.

 

You deserve to be in a committed relationship with someone who only has eyes for you, with someone you know won't have kids with you then leave and make excuses for why it's okay to cheat. There are too many reasons to list why you shouldn't be with this man. You're a human being too, and you deserve respect. Unless you demand it, no one will give it to you. Stop lowering yourself, because even if he comes back, it won't be for the right reasons.

 

If you haven't already, at some point you'll be thinking you're worthless, used, etc. Distraught, and all that good stuff. I do the same, but for what it's worth, you're not. There are a lot of bad people out there that just shouldn't be in relationships. Unfortunately you had to deal with several. Keep busy, and when you want to cry, cry. It'll get better with time, hopefully.

 

Just a note from my own experience. The more you contact, the more details you'll get, and the more hurt you will become. So hold off.

[DaniArizona]

 

Just a note from my own experience. The more you contact, the more details you'll get, and the more hurt you will become. So hold off.

 

Yeah I'm pretty hurt from the few things I have found out....It's sooo hard not to call or text him though.

 

When I usually feel distraught I play my guitar, but it's my guitar he bought me. So I can't.

You know when you fall in love with someone and everyone else just seems to fall off the face of the earth? That happened for me...I even let my phone get turned off because I didn't care about anything but spending time with him. Now I lost my old phone, lost my old phone numbers and I don't know how to get a hold of a lot of my friends that I put on the back burner this past year, so I like I said I feel soooo alone...which doesn't help when trying not to contact him because I don't have much to keep myself busy.

[Mauxly]

I admit, I read your original post and skimmed the rest. But from what I gather you fell in with an adorable charming selfish lying loser. You know now, intellectually, that he was bad news and that you are better off. The really really hard part is getting your emotional self caught up with the intellectual self. It will take time, painful, confusing, heartbreaking time.

 

You will miss him, you will justify his actions, you will blame yourself, you will hate him with a Passion that you never knew you had, you will demonize him, and then you'll miss him all over again. Over time you'll start to see things more clearly...one day you'll simply pitty him. That's when you know you are healed.

 

This process will take place no matter what you do. You can't stop it, even with the most self destructive behavior and thoughts..You'll heal beside yourself.

 

But you can speed up the process. You can. It's just as painful, but not as extended. First, go full blown NC. Delete his phone number (DON'T MEMORIZE IT if you haven't already.) Delete all call and.text history, block him on.social networks. Delete his email and block his from coming in. Delete all old emails from your in and out box. You do this for.three reasons:

 

1. Completely removes your ability to.contact him in moments of weakness. Saves you some pride and removes his ability to.manipulate you.

 

2, Cuts all avenues of contact for him. You'll no longer wait by the phone waiting for it to ring. It won't, it can't, you did that. You can also delude yourself into thinking he's desperately trying to contact you, but you'd never know. This is a fabulous lie to tell ourselves until we no longer care.

 

The next big thing you have to do is change your thinking. When you lay in bed, alone, sobbing because you love and miss him so much...you have to stop and remember how he hurt you. Remember that you aren't crying over the true him, you are crying over losing what you thought he was. BIG difference! And cry, kick, scream, agonized over losing a fantasy. It's a huge loss to be sure. But once you separate the loss of the fantasy out from the loss of the reality (a cheating selfish jerk), you'll start to heal exponentialy quickly.

 

And be sad, be angry, be crazy. It's OK...its all a part of the healing process.

 

You will be fine in a while. I promise you this. We all came here with our bloody little hearts tattered out of our chests. But we are much better now.

[DaniArizona]

The NC is the hardest....I keep going to my FB page and I stare at his picture and I find it impossible to delete him....I did delete his number/ texts/ recent calls from my phone, but I know his number by heart...so it has taken everything in me to NOT call him today. I've already sent him this pathetic message on FB earlier today:

"Sorry for being so rediculous....I'm happy for the closure....I'm sad we are done...but I understand why...and you left me for a really good reason....I shouldn't have constantly called you....I should have done a lot different...through out our relationship and after you left...I've just never been in love before...I never felt this way about "R"....I guess I'm thankful that I got to experience a really good relationship...And I got to spend this past year with a really good person...I'm happy you are with your kids...I'm sorry I took you away from them for as long as I did. But really, thank you for being so great to me and I obviously hope we can be together again, but I'm sure that won't happen, but I do hope we can be friends....and I'm sorry for being upset. I love you and good luck and I'm really happy for you....and this is the last time I contact you unless of course you contact me...xoxo"

I have the WORST word vomit when it comes to my texts and emails to him....I don't even know what I'm exactly apologizing for...

[DaniArizona]

Oh...by "left me for a really good reason" I meant for his kids...I guess I worded it wrong...he didn't leave me because I constantly called him..lol

[DaniArizona]

This truly is torture....these past few days just draaaaag on....I can't sleep because I hate waking up alone....I moved in to my grandmother's house because I couldn't stand the thought of staying in the house we lived in together, sleeping in the bed we shared every night. I still can't eat anything. I feel like my soul has literally been crushed.

[DaniArizona]

I checked his Facebook today....He changed his relationship status from being in a relationship with me to "it's complicated"....W-T-F does that even mean?! I took him off my facebook....but once again I broke the NC rule...I did IM him with "I'm taking you off my facebook. Not to be mean, but I don't see the reason why we have to eventually see other people making us happy instead of each other I do love and miss you though."