Jump to content

Lost and Confused...long story but could really use some solid advice.


Recommended Posts

Let me first apologize for the lengthy story (I should have found this site and posted the minute it happened) but alas, I have just recently been lurking. In fact, if he ever visits this site, he will definitely know who I am...lol


Met a man on a dating site that was going through a divorce (yes, I know, huge mistake on my part). I had

my doubts as to whether he was ready or not to date, he assured me many times that he was. I told him that it was important to me that he had already been dating and that I was not the first, he assured me I was not. I was still hesitant but had never felt like this about anybody before (I am no spring chicken). When we first started dating he actually told me he was divorced, we fell naturally into a boyfriend/girlfriend situation without having "the conversation" but we talked all the time about taking it slow which was fine with me. I find out shortly that "well, the divorce isn't quite final yet". This was a major red flag that I discussed with him (his lie) and he assured me that he was afraid of losing me. (I should have bolted but boy was I already in head over heels). He invited me on many trips into the future, took me home to meet his family for all the holidays, met all his friends. He treated me very well, loving and kind the entire year we were together. On several occasions I was reticent but he always assured me that he would never hurt me (how can anybody ever promise that?). He dropped the bomb 5 months ago and I did not see it coming, he never pulled away, was always very attentive, sex was the best (for both of us) and never dropped off so needless to say, I was blindsided. He texted me the morning of the breakup that he loved me. I stopped at his house after work because he said he wanted to see me. He walked in gave me a kiss, sat down and said "I am breaking up with you, I think you love me more than I love you" and "I used to be enthralled by you" (ouch) and even "you might have to move soon" (within the same neighborhood...w-t-f?). I did not freak out as I remember reading somewhere a while before this that you should remain calm and not beg, cry, etc. so I did not. I asked him if he was sure that he would never feel enough love for me and asked if I had ever pressured him. He adamantly said "no baby, you NEVER pressured me" and in response to my question about "how is he sure how he will feel tomorrow" he said "well, I don't know, but I don't think it I will love you enough, I'm not sure..."


I shed one tear, told him I would contact him over the weekend to get my things. He stood up crying, tried to hug me and of course instead of crying I turned cold/angry. I told him "do not f'ing touch me". I got up and he chased me out to the car. I never turned around I just drove away. As I am heading home he is texting me "I never wanted to hurt you", "I thought sooner rather than later" and "you have the biggest heart of anybody in the world". Of course I am crying now but can't reply as I am also driving. I reply when I get home "sorry baby, I am not the one who is going to make you feel better, I think you've made a mistake". Of course that pissed him off and he said "i make mistakes every day". Anyway, I went to get my things a few days later and he was calling me "baby this and baby that" I just kept packing as quickly as I could and told him "oh well, life goes on and i'm moving on". I just was not going to make him feel OK about crushing me like that without having even talked to me WHILE he was having doubts rather than coming out of nowhere. We never fought, we had a very strong connection, fun, laughed a lot, same sense of humor, etc.


I sent him a letter a few weeks after the breakup telling him that upon reflection breaking up was probably best for both of us and that we both need time and space and that I had very good news and maybe down the road after some time I could share it with him, but not now. He texted me the day he got the letter "I got your letter, thanks it made me feel better" and "if you would like to call me to share your news, i would like that. I was waaaay to fragile to hear his voice so I ignored the text.


I waited about a month and sent him a text letting him know somebody hacked my email and it was sent to his work laptop. He replied "thanks, how are you"? I said "good, I will be in your area tomorrow if you want to meet for a beer" he said "no, working". I replied "that's great, glad to hear work is good".


Fast forward (I bet you wished I would have done this many paragraphs ago...) to July 21st. I get a "wink" from a profile on the same website in which we met, the bio states "I met the woman of my dreams on here and I let her go" blah blah blah. I knew it was him (he posted a pic of us that was from his Iphone), so I wink back. Then I start getting messages the same day from the same phony name from a FB profile saying "i miss you". I texted him because the settings would not let me reply and basically he acted as if he had said nothing. He sent me several more messages from the FB account which had the same pic of us from his Iphone. Since every time he reached out to me I basically got the cold shoulder I started to ignore and not reply. Finally after the last message he sent I texted him "are you sending me messages on fb"? He says "no, I'm not on FB, hope you're good". Now I am pissed. I texted him and asked him to call me, this was just a few weeks ago. He waits a couple hours and calls me (first time I have heard his voice since the breakup at beginning on May. He claims that somebody must have "hacked" his iphone and done all of this, I move the topic to something pleasant, we are laughing and talking then he blurts out "I have been seeing somebody for a month" I said "oh, wow, that was fast" then he backpedaled "well, yeah, it's ok..I am just taking it a day at a time". I said "great, when you get back from your trip I would like to get the rest of my things which he failed to leave at my house months earlier. He got back, I went to his house and of course I looked hotter than any time we had ever been together, I took up dancing, dropped 20 lbs, etc. I was happy, gave him a hug, we chatted, he mentioned maybe seeing me again and that he would love to see me dance. He brought up the profile and Iphone pic again and asked me if I ever figured out who did it. I just said "i'm still looking into, now he tells me "i don't even think I have that picture anymore. (i'm thinking, yeah right). Anyway he texted me last weekend on my bday "happy birthday sexy". I said where's my bday dinner? He cut off the convo with some off topic stupidity so I did not reply.


I love this man, but this is BS. He reaches out, I reach back, I get my hand slapped. I don't know what to do? I know he is coming out of a very long marriage where he was burned badly, but I have never in my 46 years felt this way for somebody, I am hurt, I am PISSED! Ever since he saw me he has been blowing up the online dating site, so I think his story about "dating somebody" was his cover story for the profiles not being him, do grown men really behave this way?


Please, tell me what to do. He texted me a very sweet text yesterday as he found out that I put my beloved dog to sleep last weekend (he offered twice to go with me, I said no) but I don't know how he found out I had done it. So here I am, I have not replied to his text. In my mind texting is for p*ssies, if he really wanted to talk to me or missed me, wouldn't he be calling? What do I do? Ignore? LC seems to be getting me nowhere, he is very very confused AND confusing. Please, I really need some solid advice, especially from the men here. Again, I apologize for the very long story and if you stuck with me, thank you. And please don't tell me I am stupid for dating a man who is just coming out of a long marriage, I am already kicking myself for that every day. I still believe we are meant to be and I want to behave in a way that gives us the best chance. I am very good at NC, so that isn't a problem for me, it's these mixed messages that he keeps sending me that drive me insane.


Thank you everyone.

Link to comment

In my mind texting is for p*ssies, if he really wanted to talk to me or missed me, wouldn't he be calling?


Yes, he would be making an attempt to get back together instead of stringing you along. If I were you I would ignore it and just let it fade out. And if he asks why you're ignoring him, no need to get angry or dramatic, just politely explain that you're busy.

Link to comment

In my opinion, mixed messages is the biggest red flag you can ever get - and it seems like this guy has been Mr. Mixed Messages from the beginning. Starting your relationship off with a lie, proceeding to keep you out of the loop emotionally then trying to reel you back in... I'd say he enjoys this push-and-pull you two have got going and if you enjoy it too by all means, continue.


However, since you don't - I'd say cut to the chase. If you can't just be friends with him (although I would say that's a stretch even) then just cut him out of your life and let him know that. Tell him firmly that you can't do this anymore and you need resolution for your own sanity if anything (and for the respect of his newly-found-gf, if she exists Idk)


But continuing LC here and there obviously isn't going to solve anything, right? So ask yourself... what do YOU want? Is it something he can offer you? Is it this game that he's made you play with him? Or do you want a serious, long lasting relationship with him?


The answer to your predicament lies in what YOU want.


Best wishes

Link to comment

Bullet and MissSmith, thank you for taking the time to read and reply. No, this is not the man I fell in love with (the way he is behaving now). You both gave me basically the same advice, NC. However Bullet says "ignore" unless he asks then tell him. And MissSmith suggests "telling him straight out then NC". Hell to the NO do I want this BS, if the man I used to love comes back, I might consider it. But this new, idiot, no thank you. I have felt compelled to just unleash on him today and tell him to leave me the "F" alone unless he has something significant to say (I'm having a very I hate him kinda day). I feel like he got off too easy. What says it better, me being able to just let him have it once and for all or just go NC ? When I'm feeling like this, which isn't often, I really want to hit him verbally which I have never done to him before. Thank you both, all advice welcome. And NO, I do not want or need his friendship. That will just make it easier for him, not me. And being friends with an EX has never done the dumpee any good IMO. He has some serious GIGS I believe...good luck with that, there is a turd on that side of the fence too buddy.


Thanks again :star:

Link to comment
I feel like he got off too easy. What says it better, me being able to just let him have it once and for all or just go NC ?

I am more of a fan of walking away quietly, because I think telling someone off makes them realize how much power they have over you. I also don't believe in thinking about whether someone "gets off the hook too easily" because really, it's not my place to punish anyone. He's probably an unhappy person and should be left to sit with that.

Link to comment

Bullet, thanks sounds right, I'm just having one of those day. There is one more matter of several hundred dollars he owes me, is it ok to send a short email providing my new address and asking that he send it? That's all. He promised at the breakup that he would do "the right thing" with regards to this financial matter but has not.


Thanks again

Link to comment

Thanks Bullet, sent an email, he said no problem...we shall see. Going complete NC, want this guy out of my life (at least for now). I am angry at myself for not leaving him immediately on the first "red flag" and/or lie. I remember back then thinkinng "get out now"...but I didn't, hindsight...ugh. It is obvious that he will (unless he gets professional help) just keep doing this for the rest of his life...to that I say, good luck.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...