Is boyfriend being unreasonable? Only a bike ride

[hangingout]

Hello. Recently, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a (faithful) break as things weren't going so well. During this time, I stayed with my brother and we were training for a long distance charity bike ride. My brother and I were training and some of his friends too so we trained together a couple of times.

 

Once we finished the race, the next day I wanted to go out for one last blast on my bike as I had been given this really cool bike and had to take it back to the person who lent it to me but my brother's friend offered to come out with me as he too had a new bike so I was like - OK, Cool. Let's go out for a bike ride together. I have known this guy for something like 10 years as he's one of my brother's best friends. Anyway, we went out for a bike ride then I went home and he went home.

 

A few days later I met up with my boyfriend for dinner to talk about us. During the dinner I told him what I had been up to and that I went on this bike ride. My boyfriend got really mad at me. He said I had done it to make him jealous as my brother's friend has got a reputation for being really into sex with his girlfriends (this is true - the guy talks about sex alot but he never did anything disrespectful or sexual towards me and I've always felt comfortable). I didn't do it to make my boyfriend jealous - I just wanted to go for a bike ride and didn't think it was a big deal at the time.

 

Anyway, my boyfriend said it was the angriest he'd ever been with me (!) and that night he wanted to tell me he wanted to get back with me but now he doesn't because he feels he can't trust me because he's worried I'd break his heart and i have 'power' over him.

 

How can I get him to see that it WAS an innocent thing, I think he's being unreasonable towards me as I don't think I did anything wrong. I told my brother too and he thinks my boyfriend is being crazy jealous but my boyfriend thinks I'm that bad person. Help! What should i do?

[DylanNotorious]

Tell him that his anger is stemming from the whole relationship not going too well. Because that is the root cause. It was already not going well - hence the faithful break. Things have not been resolved and repaired and when he found out about the innocent bike-ride he's now using that as the excuse.

 

I wouldn't put up with it, and I'd just say that unless he grows up and we talk about what's really going on in our relationship then there's nothing left to talk about. Getting angry over the bike-ride is not the main issue here.

[DN]

Under normal circumstances the bike ride was no big deal but think of it from your boyfriend's point of view

- you are having problems and go on a 'faithful break'.

- you go on a bile ride alone with a guy you both know has a lurid reputation.

- you decide to tell your boyfriend about this ride during a discussion about getting back together when presumably emotions are running quite high.

 

Can you see why he might feel as he does?

[petite]

He is being controlling. Regardless if you were on a break or not you have every right to ride a bike or go to the movies or whatever with a friend, even if that friend has a reputation. He obviously has never treated you in a disrespectful manner or made a pass at you, and there is no reason why your life or activities should stop.

Your boyfriend is being unreasonable.

[Mesemene]

While I can see why it might've been unsettling to him, he's overreacting.

 

Him telling you it bothered him - reasonable. Even saying he'd feel better if you didn't hang out solo with this guy - reasonable. Blowing it out of proportion and making it into a breach of trust that's worth ditching the whole relationship for? Makes me think he might have some unresolved issues you're taking the heat for.

[DN]

So - if you are convinced he is being unreasonable and he thinks you were trying to make him jealous - what are you going to do? I don't think you are going to convince him you were not - as I said, look at it from his point of view.

 

It will be especially difficult in the light of this thread:

[Princess123]

He isn't your bf if it's a break. That is essentially a break up. BS that he was going to ask you back. He is now trying to GUILT trip you for hanging out with a male friend. How does he guilt trip you? By making you believe and using it against you that he wanted to get back together. Now making it your fault if you guys don't get back together. This guy is full of it.

 

Another reason why "breaks" don't work.

[DN]

I don't think it is wise to assume to know what someone was intending to do - there is no way to have that knowledge.

 

In any event, it is usually not a good idea to call someone with whom you want to reconcile a liar.

[hangingout]

So - if you are convinced he is being unreasonable and he thinks you were trying to make him jealous - what are you going to do? I don't think you are going to convince him you were not - as I said, look at it from his point of view.

 

It will be especially difficult in the light of this thread: ]

 

Thanks for your quote guys.

DN while I appreciate your advice, it's not OK for you to assume that you might know anything about me based upon other posts. I post all kinds of problems for all kinds of things for myself and for other people. Some posts have been written by friends or on behalf of friends as this is a cool place to get advice and a different perspective so thanks for your advice but quit assuming you might know more about my relationships coz you made some 'connection' when there might not be one.

 

Peace blud

[DN]

Thanks for your quote guys.

DN while I appreciate your advice, it's not OK for you to assume that you might know anything about me based upon other posts. I post all kinds of problems for all kinds of things for myself and for other people. Some posts have been written by friends or on behalf of friends as this is a cool place to get advice and a different perspective so thanks for your advice but quit assuming you might know more about my relationships coz you made some 'connection' when there might not be one.

 

Peace blud

If you are saying that thread was not written by you but by a friend then your friend should join ENA herself. We do not allow people to do that as it becomes confusing t other members.

 

Members are free to look at previous threads in order to gain some context to their advice and not give it in isolation from previous context. That is why the feature exists.

[RedDress]

I see both sides.

 

I understand that the bike ride was innocent, that you've known him a long time, etc, etc. And on the surface? It sounds very controlling of your bf.

 

I guess the part I don't understand is... why would you specifically bring up that particular event? I mean... if it was nothing... why did you feel the need to mention something that you probably knew would push his buttons a little bit? It's potentially going to be controversial at the best of times. Why bring it up in the worst of times? Did you mention the time you walked the dogs? Or the coffee that you had with a girlfriend last week? How about lunch with a colleague?

 

When people mention weird things like that - it gets my back up too. It usually means they are covering for something (even if that's not what you were trying to do).

 

At this point... I mean... what can you do? It was a bad move. You shouldn't promise not to bike ride with him again (because that is controlling)... all you can do is try to reiterate that it was innocent, that you didn't mean anything by the comment and that you want him back. I would focus on the wanting him back part - not the "you are so wrong" part.

[hangingout]

If you are saying that thread was not written by you but by a friend then your friend should join ENA herself. We do not allow people to do that as it becomes confusing t other members.

 

Members are free to look at previous threads in order to gain some context to their advice and not give it in isolation from previous context. That is why the feature exists.

 

No sorry, I don't agree with you there. We're free to seek advice on whatever problem we want whether it is our own personal problems or that of others. This is not a 'get-to-know-me' website. I can write about whatever problems I would like to have a different perspective on and my friend is allowed to tell me her problems which I can seek advice to. I'm certainly not going to check up on everyone's posts before replying with advice just to see if there is a connection in events. It is not confusing if we see a post and reply to it, regardless of other connected or unconnected posts. Problems are transient. They come and go so they don't have to be linked. Everyone has the right to write about whatever they problem they wish.

 

As for Reddress, I agree with your response. I never thought about it like that and i suppose it has some significance that it was mentioned over say, a coffee with a girlfriend. I'll have to think about that. I suppose I mentioned it at the time as wanted to be honest and open with bf, even though it was innocent, I wanted him to know I had been honest about it but it still back fired but everything happens for a reason and yes, he can be a little controlling at times.

 

Peace blud

[DN]

No sorry, I don't agree with you there. We're free to seek advice on whatever problem we want whether it is our own personal problems or that of others. This is not a 'get-to-know-me' website. I can write about whatever problems I would like to have a different perspective on and my friend is allowed to tell me her problems which I can seek advice to. I'm certainly not going to check up on everyone's posts before replying with advice just to see if there is a connection in events. It is not confusing if we see a post and reply to it, regardless of other connected or unconnected posts. Problems are transient. They come and go so they don't have to be linked. Everyone has the right to write about whatever they problem they wish.

Moderator Note: I am telling you, as a matter of fact and whether you agree with it or not, that this forum does not allow members to let their friends use their account. You may ask questions on behalf of a friend providing that you make it clear that you are doing so.

[DN]

Thread closed.