Went through his phone, think I ruined us

[Michelle82]

I am in a long distance relationship, about 2000 miles apart. We have known each other for years and have tried to be together many times but this time I think we are finally getting it right. I am here visiting him now.

 

Two nights ago we had a long talk about us, a very good talk, one that was almost too good to be true. He told me that he loved the fact that I was so secure, and that we could trust each other.

 

That same night I noticed him txting on his phone and could tell it was a female, but nothing inappropriate. The very next day, just yesterday he got in the shower and left his phone on the bed and I let it get the best of me and I looked. I saw part of a convo to a girl that said 'have a great day beautiful'. It ate me up to pieces. He went to work and I stayed here, I prayed about it, wondering if I should say anything.

 

He got home last night and I started to ask him. He said 'I have a lot of female friends, I say nice things to them sometimes. It doesn't mean anything is going on, I love you and only you, we just talked about this last night!' he was upset that i went through his phone, but he said that more than anything he was upset that was just like everyone else. That he had put me up on this pedestal as being different from his past relationships and that this shows him I'm not that different. I am heart broken. I am so MAD at myself. I feel like ruined this amazing relationship that we had. He hasn't hardly looked at me since last night muchless touched me. I leave in two days to go back home, but I feel like he doesn't want me here at all. What do I do? How do I fix this?

[annie24]

hmmmmmmmm..... i dunno - calling another woman "beautiful" is rather flirtatious. Maybe your gut was right in this case? He's sure turned things around on you nicely!! I wonder how he would feel if you were texting your male "friends" "handsome" or whatever. hmmm.

[LDRohnos]

LDR's are about trust but my immediate reaction to them is my username. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of independence/trust/chemistry for them to work. Unless a relationship between two people is perfectly in sync they usually do not last. His words can be interpreted in many ways, just because he called someone "beautiful" doesn't mean he wants to get with them. If one of my girl-friends I know were going through a hard time and needed a boost to her self-esteem I would probably say the same thing to them to make them feel better about themselves.

 

I'm not saying thats what he did but I think you really, really need to think about this relationship and figure out if you're going to be able to handle it at this stage of your life and with this person. Maintaining a long distance relationship and worrying about trust is the same as torturing yourself.

[DylanNotorious]

He's just upset that you caught him out. Do you think you can trust him? I probably doubt it.

 

The distance is too far, it will ultimately be a hurdle in ever being together properly.

[WindowTo]

What you did basically communicated a sense of distrust of him, even if it came from a place of general insecurity from you. Even if it was not immoral, it is not a very comforting thing for him to deal with. On the other hand, in my opinion, his comment to that woman is completely crossing the line of friendship and if he doesn't have the balls to admit that then he needs to man up. So you both did something wrong, sounds like only one side has apologized... His "mistake" is not forgiven by the fact that you made one.

[Michelle82]

I thought about that. But he is very flirty w/everyone, and I've known that about him for years. I just feel horrible. I thought about leaving early, calling the airline and seeing if I can move up my flight.

[annie24]

why?? you should try to stay and work things out.

[Michelle82]

Thank you for the replies.... How do I fix this though? I love this man so much, and I feel like it was my own insecurity. I dont want to leave here with us in this mess. Could one small moment of insecurity ruin it all?

[Michelle82]

why?? you should try to stay and work things out.

because I feel like he doesn't want me here, he won't even look at me.

[DylanNotorious]

Ok so he sits there texting another woman calling her beautiful and now you think it's your fault for being insecure.

 

Wake up and smell the coffee. I agree, you should try and get that earlier flight home.

[Fudgie]

I agree that you shouldn't have gone through his phone, but then again, I find it very inappropriate that he's texting stuff like that to other women.

 

You certainly have blame here but so does he. He's not admitting his wrongdoing at all?

[Michelle82]

No, he said he talks to his friends like that. But that it doesn't mean anything. He hasnt admitted any fault whatsoever

[Fudgie]

I think you should tell him that a) you feel uncomfortable when he does that and no, you don't feel that it's because you're "insecure" and b) how would HE feel if you did the same thing with your male friends, calling them handsome and everything?

 

I doubt he would be okay with that. If he's not, then it's a double standard on his part.

[Michelle82]

I did tell him all that last night, but the whole focus is on the fact that I went thru his phone and that now he sees me like all his exs.

[DN]

There are people who use words like that when talking to other people, not uncommon with people from Northern England, for example who use endearments all the time, often with total strangers, without it meaning anything like cheating - if he does it with everyone that is maybe the way his group of friends interact with each other.

[Michelle82]

There are people who use words like that when talking to other people, not uncommon with people from Northern England, for example who use endearments all the time, often with total strangers, without it meaning anything like cheating - if he does it with everyone that is maybe the way his group of friends interact with each other.

I agree with you DN, But now what do I do? How do ifix it? I want to go back in time and never have looked in the first place. Help please

[superfox]

I did tell him all that last night, but the whole focus is on the fact that I went thru his phone and that now he sees me like all his exs.

Bull. He's hiding something. LDR are hard, you have to have trust but you have to have consideration and understanding too. I'm in a short distance LDR, I know my bf's mobile pin and he knows mine, likewise with computers. I don't doubt for one second that my bf would go through whatever he could if he had the slightest doubt and I have no problem with that as I have nothing to hide.

 

Some guys do call all girls babe, baby, beautiful, whatever but not when they're MY guy. You caught him out, he's turning it around. You can't unsee what you've seen but your hunch seemed right.

[superfox]

There are people who use words like that when talking to other people, not uncommon with people from Northern England, for example who use endearments all the time, often with total strangers, without it meaning anything like cheating - if he does it with everyone that is maybe the way his group of friends interact with each other.

Beautiful is not a common term of endearment up here! Hinny, flower, pet, anything not actually personal.

[swann]

I did the same thing and saw what I feared I would see, that she was back in touch with her ex and not only that, that she had already seen him a couple of times and had asked him to spend a weekend together with her the very weekend before she was to be with me. OUCH! So guess what happened when I started asking questions without her knowing what I knew? Right on, SHE LIED! Stone cold faced lied. Does anyone really believe that if their cheating that when questioned at first that the cheater will be upfront and honest right off the bat? Really?

 

So then I tell her I went through her phone and saw it all and guess again what happened? Right on again, she blamed me for going through her phone and tried to lie her way through the text messages that were right there. LDR's are tough and I for one don't plan on going through another anytime soon. Trust is huge no matter how close or far away one is but in LDR's it's essential to sustain the relationship and like any relationship, without it it's over and done with and just a matter of "when" not "if" in my opinion.

 

I didn't mean to harp on my personal experience but to say you have to take of you first and listen to your gut. Him texting other girls and then getting mad at you is a huge red flag to me.

 

Take care.

[DN]

I have heard it used by people - "hey beautiful, howya doin'." for example by a shopkeeper to a customer.

 

We are getting to the point where people are being put into a verbal burka.

[LDRohnos]

I think you need to look at the context of it. In my opinion how it was used wasn't that bad. Shrug.

[DN]

I saw part of a convo to a girl that said 'have a great day beautiful'.

What was the conversation about?

[superfox]

I have heard it used by people - "hey beautiful, howya doin'." for example by a shopkeeper to a customer.

 

We are getting to the point where people are being put into a verbal burka.

Shopkeepers do it for a sale! My bf will say 'how are you my pretty flower ?' to a woman in a shop to het a discount ;-)

 

It's context. The op knows her bf and how he talks to other people, especially girls. Like the other poster said, him getting angry is a huge red flag.

[DN]

He's probably getting angry because she went through his phone.

 

I still think the context of the remark is important.

[Michelle82]

The convo was "hey how r u" "congrats on ur game" "have a great day beautiful"..... Nothing that I thought was inappropriate other then the beautiful. But my question is what do I do now?? How do I fix us?????