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suspicious much?


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Hi everyone, I am looking for some opinions on what looks like an extremely suspicious situation. He insists there is absolutely nothing more to it, and he has given extremely weak excuses for each instance. My thoughts are consuming me and I need be reassured that I am not being completely irrational in my suspisions. Thanks in advance, and sorry if this is just pathetic…


3 year relationship, 10 year age gap. I was 18 and he was 28 when it started. I am now 21, he is now 31. he was my former lecturer at university.


The first year or so was passionate, but unhealthy, I realise now that I put up with more than I ever should have. He was extremely manipulative, used emotional blackmail and had a clever way of making the things he did, my own fault. (he still has remnants of this, which he recognizes, and has tried to fix.) He didn’t see it all then, but he admits now that he had indeed been selfish and has apologized. (though I am not sure he fully recognizes the emotional blackmailing.)


However, one particular issue that has stayed with me throughout the whole relationship was an issue regarding one of his exes. (He also taught her at university, but she apparently left early) All I know about this woman is that he had a short, but intensely passionate relationship with her, I’m guessing at least a couple of years before ours started.

In the early months of our relationship, he had a spell of being still in love with her. He admits this. He said this was down to being depressed (Which i only found out about a year later).


---He had artwork that he made of her, and had this on his professional portfolio, and made a big point about it “meaning a lot to him” years after their relationship was supposed to have finished. And would boast about how cool her tatoos were.


---He insisted he hasn’t spoken to her in over a year, then wished her happy birthday in an msn conversation.


---her email address was still available in the msn drop down menu, that happens when multiple people have used messenger on that particular computer. Only her name was to be seen, even though he had two relationships after her and before me, and it had been about 2 years, and had friends over a lot… yet not one their names were to be seen.


----The wrappers for her hormonal contraceptives were lying on his floor. He insisted he hadn’t seen them in a long time. They must have been lying there for about 2 years. Granted, he never cleaned his flat.



----He cried in my arms about how pissed off he was at himself for messing up that relationship. “because she was so cool.” (I know, I am an idiot for staying after this point.)



After this, it just stopped being mentioned. I think he realised he had taken it too far at that last point. I don’t know how long afterwards he continued to feel this way. No new incidents occurred for over a year.


However, just over a year ago, he seen her at a public event for the first time in years. He mentioned this, and he said that they just said “hi, how are you?” etc etc. I was a little uneasy, and I asked him “what are the chances of you running into her again?” and he said he didn’t know. Fine. And I put it to the back of my mind. And a year and a bit of silence on that subject passed.


Though in general, as you can imagine, the relationship hasn’t exactly been a brilliant one and a few days ago I called him and told him I was seriously ready to end things. This was not just because of this ex situation, but for many other reasons including that. I had tried to end it about 4 or 5 times before but he kept reeling me back in (and I kept going back) or he would just completely ignore it. Anyway, a few days ago was the most serious and forefront I had ever been about ending it, and it was looking pretty final. I arranged to go up and get some of my belongings with some time to talk to him. We didn’t communicate for 2 days except for arranging times.


I arrived in his city and he was immediately romantic with me. He bought me drinks and complimented me, stoked me and touched me romantically and looked at me romantically. His behaviour was almost no different than usual. And when I said I better arrange to go home, he asks “do you really?” in a sad tone. I shook off his compliments and nudged away his caresses, but the next thing I know, I was in his flat drinking tea and we were almost back the way we were. ](*,)


But then, sitting on his couch, I notice that he had added THE EX on facebook! (2.5 years after the night where he cried in my arms about her) And to rub salt in the would even more, it turned out he added her a few hours after our phone conversation.


-----It also turned out he had blocked me from seeing his facebook activity, (he says he didn’t want to hurt my feelings if he should start seeing someone else. even though, all of his other exes were allowed)


-----his reasons for adding her was because he was considering hiring her for his new company, even though there was a myriad of talent in the same field to be found. He though that she, in particular, was perfect for the job.


-----then it turns out that for this past year, she was working/studying in the same building as him and he seen her often.


----it turns out that she worked for a company he was keen on applying for a job with.


----he said that because I was out of the picture, there would be no problem hiring her.


----she attended public events that he was a part of, and he spoke to her at these events.


----When I asked why he never mentioned ANY of this to me, he says it was because it “was not important


----when I got access to his facebook wall, they had already been exchanging friendly chit chat, not to do with business... the tone was playful. He insists that is is perfectly normal, but then deletes it.


He insists that this was all innocent... and that he had no intentions towards her at all, or any underlying feelings. I would love to believe him... but I can't help but be weirded out by all of this.


Regardless of whether I stay with him or leave him, this has brought a lot of s**t back and i'm finding it hard to deal with.


And... he never did make any such artwork of me, or any of his other exes apparently.


thanks for reading.

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